Benefits of Spirituality/Meditativeness

[Applegarden]

Hello, actualizers.

I wanted to share some of my day to day experiences with meditation, self-inquiry, self-reflection. More so i will elaborate on the feelings and cognitions that i usually feel.

I have picked meditation habit on and off since 2015.

The first year was very boring. It was so boring to sit even for 20 minutes and i often wondered whats the point. I was trying to push myself, so i can sit trough it. It was just plain suffering for some time, but i noticed, it had some quality, that it was worth the struggle.

Then i somehow sat for an hour, when i was meditating. It wasn't blissful, it was quite peaceful. But really just that. I felt like my breathing were very natural and i was more aware of parts of my body and i feel more centered in my day to day activity. But i remembered at the end of the year 2015 i bought an inner engineering course by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, and i for the first time felt that i can change something in my life and that life was somewhat in my hands, however i felt a feeling i will always remember. That was the feeling of suffering and not knowing why you are suffering. Looking back at that moment, now that i underestand reality more and more, that was something i don't even want to experience again. So some suicidal toughts, some very depressing and dark toughts came. So turned my head all the way towards spirituality at that time. I remember being so negative and occasionaly violent irrational toughts were flowing trough my head, and also a sense of anger, anger for feeling like i have to live in unhappy existence. So up to this point i still have somewhat of a desire to leave the body, (not suicide), not by hurting it, but consciously, there is acctually a funny story about that also.

So i found Mooji's videos and whatever else guru's videos on the net. I practiced mooji's natrural noticing meditation religiously. Sometimes even up to 2 times a day, means 2 hours. Why did i do that? I felt absolutely miserable in my first job, which ironically is the same i am currently working now and externally its not much better. However the first thing i felt was a certain warmth lighting up in the region of my upper body. Then i started noticing that energies are real, there is such a thing as kundalini energy and what a chakra feels like. And soon after i noticed that my crown chakra has become loosely active. I could feel it pouring out warmth and bliss. Bliss is an actual feeling (chemistry in the body), almost like marihuana induced effect but sober. But my stomach was so hurting, it was almost like hurting from every worry and low self-worth pattern i held and entertained. And since i really wanted enlightenment but i was a mess, i suffered so much. But after a while it stabilized, it is still a struggle, however there is more and more bliss. And really all this time, the hardest thing for me is waking up and experiecing that bad feeling, so i have to catch up, but very soon after there is bliss.

Then later after that i started to have mini-awakenings, having a change of habits, and feel so complete about death. However the experience i still unsustainable. Yes, i can really choose to feel into the moment, as it is the only truth realy, and that ability, my friends, i wouldn't give away for anything. Ever.

Then i met and saw some psychics and now my view of life has changed completely. If i have to give description of what meditation does to you, firstly it makes you a different person much faster. Like you evolve your beliefs over your lifetime, with meditation, its almost like in 6 months time i am already feeling like a different person to what i used to be.

Now there just is a choice to entertain certain toughts, or just let it flow and be exhausted. There is more presentness. Less sleep needed. Bliss all over the body. Peacefulness and non-violent feeling. Feeling of wanting to be responsible for your duties like work, because this is the easiest way, there is just less suffering if you are upfront and integrated into what you do. Feeling like time has less impact upon me. There are also awakenings in my sleep (no-dream void/infinity experience) besides the enlightenment glimpses in waking state. Also you are MUCH more inuitive and in clarity to see who you whould listen to. There is more gratitude also. However still, if i could leave this body and never come back, i wouldn't hesitate. I have tried to do that in my evening sittings... It does lead to an awakening of sorts but i am affraid to go too far, as i still kinda want to live here as i am.

Weird indeed, how are your experiences?