Self-acceptance makes me feel guilty

[mellifluous_mind]

At my core, I feel unworthy, seek approval from others, and convince myself I'm unworthy of happiness. I often catch myself in these moments of self-sabotage and doubt, but I feel intense guilt and anxiety when I attempt to convince myself that my thoughts are not true, and that everything is okay as it is. The anxiety is bred mostly from my beliefs that once I let my walls down, I won't be able to see the warning signs of someone getting bored of me, or the subtle cues that I'm doing something wrong. My biggest fear is to let go and discover my true self is bitter, uninteresting, unintelligent, and uncaring.

In moments of newfound content or excitement for life, I guilt myself into sadness due to my perceived image of myself. I have a close friend to which I pushed away this past year due to me convincing myself that I ruined our friendship. This caused me to be sensitive to jokes around him, I would panic and misunderstand simple questions, and I'd subconsciously start fights over me perceiving him as being angry at me or insulting me (he never was). This rooted from deep insecurity and fear that he didn't want to be my friend anymore, or he saw me as unintelligent, unfunny, comparing me to others, etc... all thoughts that only my brain was telling me.

So - when I try to practice self-acceptance and forgiveness, I think of all those instances that I acted from my ego, and tell myself I don't deserve to accept myself due to this behavior. I tell myself I ruined the quality of a really important friendship, and therefore I don't deserve to feel okay. I deserve instead to be punished. My brain is telling me that if I forgive myself, accept the behavior and move on, it'll just repeat itself - because I'm telling myself that this behavior is okay. I don't trust myself enough to make the distinction of a behavior I want to stop, and acceptance of my past mistakes. I viscerally fear acceptance and justification of my past unhealthy behavior.

I know this is incorrect, and fear speaking, but I can't get over these thoughts. I acted in ways I never wanted to, and therefore, it feels more logical for me to sit in disappointment of myself and ruminating over everything I've done wrong. I know this isn't true, but I don't know how to convince myself to believe it yet. I want to believe I'm an endless spring of love, that my soul is endless and my potential of being spreads as far as the fabric of the cosmos is. But my past behavior makes me think that's just a lie, that maybe at my core I'm just cruel, stupid, and bland. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts on this would be really appreciated.

Edited August 31, 2020 by mellifluous_mind

[okulele]

Hi @mellifluous_mind !

Seems like you are new here, welcome

Yeah, the endless mental bully... we all have to deal with that, it seems. For this, meditation really helps. It helps you disidentify yourself from your thoughts, kind of like you had to do here in order to even write this post, but more and more profoundly, until these thoughts vanish completely! You won't even know they were there in the first place (unless you stumble on this post later on).

That being said, meditation is a practice. It is a practice of freedom. A practice of being free of your thoughts, your emotions, your pains and sufferings. A practice of freedom of being you. It takes time to train yourself. And it is worth every second of the struggle it will ensue. Seriously  

 

When you say '

I want to believe I'm an endless spring of love, that my soul is endless and my potential of being spreads as far as the fabric of the cosmos is.'

what immediately comes to mind is this - I have something even better for you. There is no need to believe, you only have to break loose from each and every limitation. When you do that, you will find that all that is left is that which you always wanted and longed for, but which thought and belief could never bring. It will be shining bright and there will be no way to get rid of it (not that you would ever want to).

 

Much Love,

okulele

[Farnaby]

@mellifluous_mind you seem to be very conscious of the suffering you're putting yourself through and also of the mechanism that leads to this suffering (believing your thoughts). 

It's very positive that you're aware of the fear of dropping all of this. In a sense, these beliefs about yourself didn't pop out of nowhere. Babies aren't born thinking they are bitter, boring, etc. You probably picked this up from someone who projected this on you.

In this sense, these beliefs are conditionings that come from your experiences so IMO it's important to honour them because they fulfill a purpose. Don't fight them when they appear, just observe them and let them pass.

Yet, at the same time, they make you feel bad and make it difficult to relate to other people freely. 

I agree that meditation can help you a lot, as well as therapy in order to process your painful experiences.

[Nahm]

What do you like?

What do you love?

What excites you?

If you struggle with those questions, you surely know what you don’t like, don’t love, and don’t care for. Write a list of all those don’ts, and then step away for a while, hours or a day or so. Then come back to your list and write the opposite of each thing you wrote down on a Dreamboard. Your original post is rumination, thinking that doesn’t result in anything. The dreamboard is the opposite of that. Reality is unconditional and becomes what you write on it. You’re creating either way. Might as well be what you like, love, and what excites you. 

 

[susanyzm]

I so identify with this! I have a serious mental bully in my head for years!

It is hard to pull it out of your head. It obliterates all the good in life and in yourself like a dirty window pane. I truly understand. 

I have a small but quite effective technique to share with you. I pull energy from the universe by imagining a ball of light wrapping around my head. My mental bully can say anything she wants. Her words are wrapped in this loving energy and therefore won't affect me. I practice the energy pulling in my meditation too. By far, it's the easiest way for me to live peacefully with her. 

Human beings can push and pull energy even though we can't see it. After all, everything's energy. We are just not used to see the world this way. 

[knoansw]

Mother Teresa considered one of the 20th Century’s greatest humanitarians, she was canonized as Saint Teresa of Calcutta in 2016. She dedicated her life to poor people like the blind, the aged, and the disabled. Here I have collected the best Mother Teresa quotes to inspire and spread love everywhere.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” – Mother Teresa

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa

“I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, ‘How many good things have you done in your life?’ rather he will ask, ‘How much love did you put into what you did?” – Mother Teresa

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” – Mother Teresa

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” – Mother Teresa

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” – Mother Teresa

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, feed just one.” – Mother Teresa

“Love to be real, it must cost—it must hurt—it must empty us of self.” – Mother Teresa

“Love is not patronizing and charity isn’t about pity, it is about love. Charity and love are the same — with charity you give love, so don’t just give money but reach out your hand.” – Mother Teresa

“People are unrealistic, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway.” – Mother Teresa

“Prayer in action is love, love in action is service.” – Mother Teresa

“I pray that you will understand the words of Jesus, “Love one another as I have loved you.” Ask yourself “How has he loved me? Do I really love others in the same way?” Unless this love is among us, we can kill ourselves with work and it will only be work, not love.” – Mother Teresa

“Work without love is slavery.” – Mother Teresa

“Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” – Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa Quotes To Spread Love Everywhere

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