Feeling Hopeless and Stuck

[Thought Art]

After a recent egobacklash I left my Job, and now I am struggling to find another. I am running out of money and about do go into a lot of debt. Despite taking the life purpose course... maybe the life purpose course even makes things worse because I actually thought maybe life was improving for the better. I felt like I could actually go out and do things. But, people scare me, I don't have a degree and I am feeling both worthless and overwhelmed by the world. I feel like I have something to offer but also I feel so weak and useless compared to the complexities of reality. I keep falling into this suicidal victim hood place, overwhelmed by potential paths, each one seems impossible. I find myself almost praying that God will help me out of this. But, that doesn't seem to be how reality works. I want to kill myself in hopes I can create a whole new experience away from all the corruption, rent, money, and annoying complexities of human existance.

I don't have a Job yet, I don't want to be a cashier I would rather kill myself. I was on a great career path and I threw it all away. I would love to be a proessional musician, but thats not going to ever be a reality. When do I know that there just isn't anything here for me in this life? I don't feel loved or lovable, or capable of doing great things. The idea of being mediocre and doing this super repetitive day night day night, 9-5 cycle makes me want to kill myself. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this. Everything is too hard. 

I feel alienated and disinterested in secular existence, I am burning with resentment a of the time about ex-relationships, my family is full of victims and toxicity and addiction. I don't know. I feel up and down,  maybe I will make it through. But, suicide is on my mind more often than I would like to admit. I don't think people are supposed to live this way. It's like everyone is stupid, but everyone is also smarter than me. I don't know... What is my purpose? God?? am I wasting my time??

Edited August 31, 2020 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

@Thought Art

Feeling better has to come first, as everything you’re wanting is reality and reality is unconditional. This means changing perspectives & letting conditions that aren’t resonating with you go. The conditions in terms of perspective are limiting your feeling goodness, who you are, and what you’re capable of. 

I had a job counting empty cans & bottle returns for a while. It was one of three jobs I had at the time. A stinky, sticky, messy job. I set up little plastic basketball hoops with the dingers on em on the rims of the empty bottle bins. Flipped cans & glass bottles over my shoulders, round the back, etc without even lookin. Broke a few of course but developed the zone and was truly unstoppable. Definitely had to shower at the end of each shift, but man I loved that job. Next shift was making pizzas. I made the best pizzas ever. No one could distribute the toppings more evenly, not possible. The cheese was laid so perfectly that it formed a perfect circle within the circle of the outer crust. The symmetry clicked with the soul of the customers, I could see it in their eyes when it got to their tables. Lots of waitresses worked there too. They seemed highly attracted to the fun vibe. Good times. Lead to better & better opportunities and relationships. 

Wishing you the best man. This too shall pass. You’re plenty good enough & have tons and tons to offer, and you are not alone, we’re all in this together. 

[AlyK]

I completely agree with @Nahm about the jobs. I've done so much different stuff & for a long time a lot of it was low level stuff- once upon a time I spent a whole week shredding documents in an attic with no radio or proper chair (but nevertheless legally!). All of it is valuable experience though- the cafe/pub/checkout/call centre stuff, in particular, is an absolutely amazing opportunity to interact with many types of people in different contexts & get a real handle on psychology. 

Sounds like you need both the money & familiarity of interacting with people on a daily basis so I'd def recommend taking whatever job comes along (NOTHING is a waste of time!) and then do it like a legend for at least a few months. Not just a checkout worker, the best checkout worker in town, the one who always has a smile & a joke for the customers, the one that the manager begs to stay & offers a ridiculous (but ultimately futile) pay raise to. In that time, you'll naturally start planning your next steps & one thing will lead to another & another & another.    

   

[Thought Art]

@Nahm Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You have a point. Am I to resist reality and suffer? Or go with it and dance. My heart is aching though. 

@AlyK Yeah, You are making a great point there. I do need to be interacting with people more on a daily basis. I think these depressions I come into might simply be loneliness. I have applied to a sort of local wholefoods which I think would be a lot of fun, I would learn a lot about the teas, health products etc... and meet a lot of people I'd likely vibe with. I haven't heard back but fingers crossed.

I do often feel trapped in this physical existence that's for sure. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

[Nahm]

 

@AlyK So true. ?? 

 

@Thought Art

Good for you. The heart aches perhaps because it is your dance partner, and far from a wallflower. It’s dreaming you, infinite love intelligence. I’d listen, connect in feeling. It’s actually good in a way to go explore the ‘dark side’ of perspectives. Kind of a right of passage, an inspection work of curiosity if nothing else. But the delight is that such perspectives are always met with that confounded achy heart left on the wall. 

Anyways, how would we realize experience but by creating it via being it? Try to enjoy the show. When you do you infuse it. The more you do so the more insights you get, and the better you feel. Inspirations & opportunities literally just pop out of nowhere. The tougher times are when you really have to let go, throw your hands up and laugh at the absurdity of it all and have faith things will work out. It infuses the working out of things. The more you experience the more you know of what you don’t want and what you do want, that’s what what you do want is made of. It’s creation.

I had lots of jobs and bosses, and most were good, but the realization that I do not want jobs or bosses was greater. What you want is the phoenix of what you don’t, but you’re at the focus helm. Always up to you captain. Self always has what it takes. Doubting is futile. You just have to go see, rather than give thoughts about it too much weight. 

[Ananta]

@Thought Art I'm sorry you don't feel well.? One foot in front of the other. I was having some very rough months in the beginning of the year that lasted forever it seemed, but things usually turn around if you persevere. ❤ 

Just hold on and don't give up.

 

[Kiko]

Hey man feel sorry for you i hope you feel better now.

I find myself very often in that kind of thinking and feeling scared to death with the external world.

Every time when i have suicidal thoughts i tell myself that that victim mentality is just a state of consciousness right now and it will pass.