Horrible break through

[James123]

59 minutes ago, Bulgarianspirit said:

A finite being needs a beginning and end. However the being itself is a fiction,orchestrated by a bigger mystery a beingness. In deep sleep it is as if i don't exist because i don't perceive myself. Being in that state consciously is the timeless state i think, from experiencing similar states.

Beginning, duality, birth and end are consciousness, but they are just a thought. Just a thought in infinite nothingness. 

Edited August 31, 2020 by James123

[Exystem]

@Breakingthewall

16 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

What psichodelic was?

lsd + dxm, I didn't feel much anymore and decided to smoke a joint. It suddenly kicked back in exponentially.

16 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

What did you do after that?

Beeing happy to feel human again I contemplated a lot about that experience. I realized that the conclusion of beeing the victim of my eternal presence was not really instantly completely present but built up from one thought to another. It changed within time. I slowly realized in which misery I'm in, dramatized it and so on. The whole experience felt like an expanding infnitude of meaninglessness, but it also stopped at one point (when I came back to my physical form again). In retrospect I guess I still perceived through the lense of the ego. Maybe it was something like a bardo-state in buddhism, between life and death. My ego came to the threshold of death and infinitesimally approached it, but didn't actually reach it.
So after that I said to myself: Let's find out next time!

34 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

How to integrate?

Seek the bottom. You scratched the surface of death, which may be terrifying. But rather break through it! For you, in your present sober state that is almost too big to integrate I guess. You can only integrate from a bigger "safe" place. Search that safe place. Try to realize the all-containing everpresent unlimited infinite Self. Therefore don't lose yourself in thoughts about what happened and how to interpret it etc. Just become aware of it all without claiming personhood for it. By that, you will automatically realize how your limited ego constructs a story around an imaginary memory which is completely dependent upon a space and time not beeing here and now. Next time experiencing the void again, try to become conscious of the mechanisms with which the ego tries to deny or get away from the experience, and why it does so. See through the process as a failed attempt to hold onto something seemingly solid/constant. That may vaporize the ego.

56 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

You said in that post that after that enlightenment was a jocke. That's I felt. Why to enlighting?

The process within time and space which ripens the human fruit until harvest, this process is actually like a circular movement between more or less illusion. My desperate search for enlightenment is a complete joke, since that is what keeps the wheel spinning. Searching for more creates more to search for. Enlightenment as a state of consciousness is nice, but also could become boring over time maybe. One day you'll ask yourself again: How would it be to not realize myself? How would it feel to believe to be limited? What would it be like to experience something like "others"?

You know, it's easy for god to be what it is. But what a task of infinite intelligence is required to delude yourself beyond recognition? So then you prepare your next ultimate trip as a realized self and jump deep down to dive into delusional duality just to slowly automatically rise back to unity again. You will always end laughing about the stunning dumbness veiling the infinite intelligence behind it, that's for sure.

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

maybe better rest a bit....

Yeah, that's a good idea. Let it settle for a while.
Also don't believe the stuff I tell you, there's a lot of personal interpretation and so on. Im seeking for more truth, too. I need to make sense of my expierences also. Maybe it's different for you. You are the only one beeing capable to understand your experience. Keep on searching for the truth in it. I wish you the best!

[cetus]

@Breakingthewall Once you reach the absolute all your troubles will be well behind you.

[Breakingthewall]

8 hours ago, Exystem said:

Next time experiencing the void again, try to become conscious of the mechanisms with which the ego tries to deny or get away from the experience, and why it does so. See through the process as a failed attempt to hold onto something seemingly solid/constant. That may vaporize the ego.

In that moment, wasn't anything to try , wasn't "me" but I think you are right, I only scratched the surface of the death, let's see next time. 

 

8 hours ago, cetus said:

@Breakingthewall Once you reach the absolute all your troubles will be well behind you.

Thanks! Im optimistic despite that experience, and your words help, sure they are true. It's more to see there, go deeper

[gswva]

@Exystem Thanks for the explanation. I'm still unbricking my mind but I'm not sure why it seems obvious to everyone that nothingness is a better state to be in than endless dreams, especially when those are crafted with flawless intelligence. (Well, if I understand you correctly it's not really a state. We are always one with the whole, and I'm just not aware of that). The issue is, since God has already created everything, if we become aware of infinity there would be nothing left to do anymore. I know it's only a selfish take and I'm probably just enjoying myself too much. There could be no greater feeling than being "pure infinite love", but we are talking about eternity in a one-way trip here. Such that even a pathetic insignificant point like me would undertake a more or less careful investigation before jumping in. Eventually, why does anything matter if we are going to be the same force of creation, only exploring itself in a more diluted way?

Why did I fall for the love meme? Things would be so much simpler if I wasn't conscious to begin with.

[WaveInTheOcean]

1 hour ago, gswva said:

@Exystem Thanks for the explanation. I'm still unbricking my mind but I'm not sure why it seems obvious to everyone that nothingness is a better state to be in than endless dreams

Your distinction between 'being in a state nothingness' and 'being in a state of dreaming' is that: an imaginary distinction, your ego is making; trying to grasp something that it cannot grasp.

Nothingness and life/dream/Maya IS completely identical. No difference at all. What you are experiencing right now  is  nothingness. It's absolutely nothing other than your own imagination as God. 

Sure, we can talk about states of being stuck in dreamland, and states of being aware 'of what's going on' , but even the state of being 'aware of what's going on' (nothing, imagination, God, Love) is actually just a state of complete and utter amazement, cos it cannot be understood within any thoughts what-so-ever. 

We can only talk ABOUT the truth with words. We can never GET to the truth with words/thoughts. The truth IS ALWAYS THE CASE. It is not a state. It is what is.

What stories you then create inside this 'is-ness' (your mind as God) is exactly that: stories, perspectives, narratives. This is the job of the separate self: to understand its own place in this world. Enlightenment is seeing that all 'trying to understand' is completetly and utterly futile. Reality is seen to be an utterly complete mystery, always out of reach for the separated logical mind.

To be enlightened is to give in. To let go. To stop trying. To surrender oneself to the truth is to pour so much love into the ego that it explodes and surrenders to the mystery of existence.

Edited September 1, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[gswva]

@WaveInTheOcean Oh. I feel like my mind is starting to register bits of clarity in your posts. Successfully unspinning my stupid self can turn out to be achievable. Basically if this structure of understandings is accurate, it's really simple. Nothing changes after enlightenment aside from the fact a massive wall of fear I've built for some reason, won't be there anymore. Or rather, in simple undramatic terms, I will always be loved? I'm not sure why would any bit of consciousness need me since I'm on par with the most unpleasant things that could ever exist, but whatever I suppose.

Thanks again for your replies.

[WaveInTheOcean]

11 hours ago, gswva said:

@WaveInTheOcean "massive wall of fear I've built for some reason".

You create fear because it is necessary for the survival of gswva. Now, why did you imagine gswva (and all the fear accompanied with forgetting that one is Oneness itself, and instead believing to exist as a separate self) into existence in the first place? Well, that's for you to find out, but the answer is probably that you did it out of love/a desire for infinite imagination.
 

Quote

Or rather, in simple undramatic terms, I will always be loved?

You are Love itself. You can't help but Love yourself. That's the absolute truth.

In more relative terms, no, you will not be loved by anyone, cos there is only you - as God. And it is up to you, if you want to live a life where you are loved (where you love yourself, that is) or if you wanna give in to fear, self-hate, etc.
 

Quote

I'm not sure why would any bit of consciousness need me since I'm on par with the most unpleasant things that could ever exist, but whatever I suppose.

This is self-hate, negative self-thoughts. Not necessary! <3 

The 'me' and 'I' you are talking about doesn't really exist anyway. This is the illusion of the separate self.

I mean, hehe, what do you even mean when you say 'me' or 'I' ?? Where is this separate self/<insert your name> that you are talking about?

I guess you have a sense-of-self -- we all do -- but what is the sense-of-self actually?

To quote veganawake:

Quote

I’d like you to ask him to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.
Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought Arising? If not, where is any Direct or Actual Experience of some sense of self?

 

Edited September 2, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[Breakingthewall]

16 hours ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

Nothingness and life/dream/Maya IS completely identical. No difference at all. What you are experiencing right now  is  nothingness. It's absolutely nothing other than your own imagination as God. 

Its what I experienced. only was the nothingness, and me. I'm the only being that exist, alone, in the nothingness, in the eternity of the no time. I didn't see any imagination, only the nothingness, the absolute lonely. When I hadp pass to this world again, I felt: it's horrible, I'm god , and god is alone and can't escape of being god. Could god be like "desperate" or anything negative? Could god be triying to forget that is god and is alone in the nothingness? There was no love there, only nothingness, eternity. That's why my experience was so bad. I was god, and I don't want to be conscious that I'm god, because I'm alone in the nothingness. Wasn't love, only void. Now I don't feel good, I'm trying to accept the nothingness, to live again that void, but something inside me impulse me to do things, to meet people, to drink, to stay far of the void, difficult to sleep well or being alone. Well only was 2 nights ago. But now I remember clearly the void. Wasn't horrible by itself. The horrible was just when I pass to here. I felt oh no, I'm prisoner of myself, no escape for the eternity. Maybe I'm creating that illusion to forget that horror

Edited September 2, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[purerogue]

20 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

Its what I experienced. only was the nothingness, and me. I'm the only being that exist, alone, in the nothingness, in the eternity of the no time. I didn't see any imagination, only the nothingness, the absolute lonely. When I hadp pass to this world again, I felt: it's horrible, I'm god , and god is alone and can't escape of being god. Could god be like "desperate" or anything negative? Could god be triying to forget that is god and is alone in the nothingness? There was no love there, only nothingness, eternity. That's why my experience was so bad. I was god, and I don't want to be conscious that I'm god, because I'm alone in the nothingness. Wasn't love, only void. Now I don't feel good, I'm trying to accept the nothingness, to live again that void, but something inside me impulse me to do things, to meet people, to drink, to stay far of the void, difficult to sleep well or being alone

It could be that it was only how you felt about it at that time, what your mind made out of it. 

[Breakingthewall]

14 minutes ago, purerogue said:

It could be that it was only how you felt about it at that time, what your mind made out of it. 

Probably right. Well I feel stupid for writing about it again. I have to integrate, meditate and do 5 meo again not far in the future. That's it

Edited September 2, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[Dazgwny]

Sounds absolutely shocking to the ego. But the more I think about what you said about your experience the more I struggle to see it as an issue or problem. Because it’s obviously where you’ve come from in the first place so once you end up back there my guess would be you’ll create and imagine the illusion all over again so in a sense would kind of feel like your never actually there as this pure void because you/I keep doing this imagining that it’s not this empty void. Every now and then in different lives you’ll realise what you really are as you seem to have maybe done. Seems like it’’d be pretty easy to avoid being this void for an infinite intelligence. Which is exactly what it seems to do, just keeps imagining that it’s not. I’ve no experience of this void so this is guess work. Good luck integrating it though ??

[WaveInTheOcean]

10 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Its what I experienced. only was the nothingness, and me. I'm the only being that exist, alone, in the nothingness, in the eternity of the no time. I didn't see any imagination, only the nothingness, the absolute lonely. When I hadp pass to this world again, I felt: it's horrible, I'm god , and god is alone and can't escape of being god. Could god be like "desperate" or anything negative? Could god be triying to forget that is god and is alone in the nothingness? There was no love there, only nothingness, eternity. That's why my experience was so bad. I was god, and I don't want to be conscious that I'm god, because I'm alone in the nothingness. Wasn't love, only void. Now I don't feel good, I'm trying to accept the nothingness, to live again that void, but something inside me impulse me to do things, to meet people, to drink, to stay far of the void, difficult to sleep well or being alone. Well only was 2 nights ago. But now I remember clearly the void. Wasn't horrible by itself. The horrible was just when I pass to here. I felt oh no, I'm prisoner of myself, no escape for the eternity. Maybe I'm creating that illusion to forget that horror

The ego has yet to surrender to Love and its own unreality.

Takes time, takes more consciousness work. 

It's a sneaky trick of the ego. It senses its obliberation, and pulls up a last resort trick: "perhaps everything is false/nothing/unreal: but <I> must be true, I exist, me me me! And see what you have done to me by engaging in psychedelics and spirituality and seeing everything is unreal (except me ofc!): I've become depressed by it, stop, stop!"

You were just as much God during the peak of 5-MeO as you are now. You're never not God. Only God is!

5-meo "merely" expanded your consciousness as God.

"Its what I experienced. only was the nothingness, and me. I'm the only being that exist, alone, in the nothingness"

What do you mean when you say "I experienced" : can you show me this "I" ?

You say you were the only being existing, alone, but where is this 'being' you speak of? What is it made of? 

You cannot have 'up' without 'down' -- can you have "me" or "I" or "self" without "other" ? 

Contemplate.

[WaveInTheOcean]

The ego ('me' / 'I' / the feeling of being a separate self) is literally The Devil in this 'human game by God'. But of course, the ego is completely deliberately imagined to exist by God, because God is inherently playful, and nothing is more thrilling than imagining that the diametrical opposite of Oneself is real.

This game - dream, life - is a constant dynamic back-and-forth between God and ego, between love and hate, light and shadow, consciousness and ignorance, play and seriousness,  expression and depression, acceptance and denying, accepting and judging, letting go and resisting, gratitude and self-pity, destiny and chance, expanding and contracting, grace and cruelty, selfishness and selflessness, attached and detached, trust and fear, responsibility and blaming, etc.

It's most interesting when it almost seems like the darkness will win; when you are on the brink of suicide of depression and then bam: the Truth of Light hits you like a wrecking ball, and you cry and laugh uncontrollably over your own deliberate ignorance ❤️

Edited September 2, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[Breakingthewall]

@Dazgwny @WaveInTheOcean the problem wasn't the terror. The problem was that , if no one tell me the opposite and I believe, after the experience I absolutely thought that I saw the deep reality, and it was: I'm an human, deeply I'm like a being, and this being is in the infinite nothingness for the eternity, alone. I'm sure that I didn't surrender to the nothingness, because it's a repulse. But when I was there looks like pure nothingness, no thought, empty. Now I'm starting to remember that the nothingness wasn't "good" or "bad" I was dissolved and was nothing. But after a while I started to feel again who I am and I thought: nooooo, all except this! And after I was in my room again. It was a huge teaching, today I was meditating and my meditation was easier and more silently than ever, my breath remembered me to the void. So not so bad at the end, my ego is strong, I know that, I need control , the opposite of the dissolution. But this ego is going to surrender, maybe soon maybe late

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

The ego ('me' / 'I' / the feeling of being a separate self) is literally The Devil in this 'human game by God'. But of course, the ego is completely deliberately imagined to exist by God, because God is inherently playful, and nothing is more thrilling than imagining that the diametrical opposite of Oneself is real

So you say that god imagine all this crazy game of life and death, evolution, ego, suffering, only like a game? Without any objective ? My ego rejects the idea absolutely ?. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

2 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

So you say that god imagine all this crazy game of life and death, evolution, ego, suffering, only like a game? Without any objective ? My ego rejects the idea absolutely ?. 

Well, what would the objective be?

You as God decide what objective you want to imagine there to be

I could say that the objective might be love, a test for how loving God can be. Or how creative. Infinite imagination.

I could --along the same lines-- say that the objective is for God to wake up to Itself, after God had (on purpose) forgot that He/She was God.

The suffering only makes the waking up feel more profound.

The only one who suffers is God. There is no other than God. You are God.

Edited September 2, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[WaveInTheOcean]

Of course - in a sense - God has a plan for everyone (everyone is Him/Her), cos God is all-knowing, omnipotent.

But the metaplan is just God/Nothingness/Love itself.

So void of ground, it is infinite.

The ground of being is groundlessness.

Edited September 2, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[Breakingthewall]

2 hours ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

The ground of being is groundlessness

Beautiful and probably true...for now for me is enough to know that god isn't a prisoner in an eternal jail of loneliness, nothingness and desperation...was not a nice image, but was me, the ego, trembling in front of the eternity...thanks to god wasn't god. Thanks you all for the help, I was really desperate hehe

Edited September 3, 2020 by Breakingthewall