Feeling Underappreciated.

[spicy_pickles]

I know someone will have an excellent response to this that will fit perfectly in with my self-actualization journey. 

I do not feel as though I'm appreciated in my relationship. I know, common problem. I take care of the majority of the cooking, all the cleaning (including laundry) and packing lunches. I'll make my partner a coffee as he goes to work each morning. I'll take care of him when he's sick. I'll surprise him with little things to show I'm thinking about him. 

He has said to me that he can't thank me enough for the things I do. But for some reason, I still don't feel like I'm valued. 

It would be absolutely amazing if he just randomly did something to surprise me, to show me he's thinking of me. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a small token of appreciation. 

I know it's not about monetary or material items. But there are no actions to show his appreciation. Maybe once in a while I will get a thank you. 

[egoeimai]

Maybe you lack self love/acceptance, (you dont give much appreciation to yourself..? ) and by doing this you wont need his attention? Try it.

[spicy_pickles]

I do everything for myself. 

I think I'm just getting fed up with giving so much to others and getting zero in return. I might as well use that energy completely and totally on myself as opposed to others who don't appreciate it. 

[FindingPeace]

Two things here. firstly you are expecting appreciation and to be valued for the things you do. Secondly you need appreciation.

The truth is you weren't put on this planet to serve others. You can choose to do that though and many people do. But to do so with authentic love is to not ask for anything in return, not even appreciation.

4 minutes ago, spicy_pickles said:

I do everything for myself. 

You are doing everything to gain appreciation, otherwise you wouldn't be feel unappreciated. If you were truly doing things for your self and out of your natural generosity and giving nature, you wound't be expecting anything in return. You are looking for a transaction - 'I do this for you and so I would like something in return'.

Expecting anything from others in this world is a fruitless task. Your expectations are your own and reality doesn't know of or even care what they are. It, and the people in it, will do whatever they do regardless of your expectations. But it seems to me here that all though you say otherwise, you actually need recognition for your endevours. This is where the work needs doing I think.

Ulitmately, though, you don't have to do anything for anyone if you don't want to. You're not a personal assistant or a slave. You're at liberty in your life to live for yourself. Sure you can help others whilst doing that, but in the end, live life for you and give yourself appreciation and recognition for the things you do, even the things you do for others (even when they don't appeciate it). Take pride in it. Instead of feeling unappreciated by others, appreciate yourself and take pride in yourself what what you do for them. Also know that it's a choice to do these things. You can choose not to any time you like. So when you choose to do them, choose to regardless of any feedback or appreciation.

 

 

[Matthew Lamot]

18 hours ago, spicy_pickles said:

I know someone will have an excellent response to this that will fit perfectly in with my self-actualization journey. 

I do not feel as though I'm appreciated in my relationship. I know, common problem. I take care of the majority of the cooking, all the cleaning (including laundry) and packing lunches. I'll make my partner a coffee as he goes to work each morning. I'll take care of him when he's sick. I'll surprise him with little things to show I'm thinking about him. 

He has said to me that he can't thank me enough for the things I do. But for some reason, I still don't feel like I'm valued. 

It would be absolutely amazing if he just randomly did something to surprise me, to show me he's thinking of me. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a small token of appreciation. 

I know it's not about monetary or material items. But there are no actions to show his appreciation. Maybe once in a while I will get a thank you. 

I'm going to reply to you person to person here.

Some of the advice you might get here is maybe a projection, you heard the saying "when youre a hammer, everything else looks like a nail"?

Ya!

It's not because you lack self love that you want to be valued, it is because you are a person, and persons who feel themselves to be valuable EXPECT to be treated in accordance with their worldview, and if your worldview is that you are valuable and you want to be loved and cared for then that is correct that when your most intimate friend is not showing you love it WILL feel bad.

You are normal.

Low self esteem means you would be in a rage and create all kinds of drama even if you DID get the appreciation you deserve, because low self esteem people cannot see how they are loveable and create more of what they feel see and experience.

Transactions are MIND GAMES in order to covertly get another person into a drama, BUT what YOU are doing is healthy psychology!

So you are doing fine!

My advice is ask your partner for what you desire from him, get romantic now and again, stimulate his own romantic heart too and get him in the mood for love and appreciation.  

I don't know how long you have been together, that is not my business, maybe there is some stagnation in the relationship and things are getting routine based?

 

 

Edited August 13, 2016 by Matthew Lamot

[Matthew Lamot]

Also, you are female, and females prefer demonstration and experiences, tokens of appreciation.  Men are wired differently, we are more dry, logical, we sometimes expect that dry verbal expressions are enough.  Maybe you are kinesthetic too and need touch and feel over conversation?

These may be worth considering#1

[spicy_pickles]

You have totally nailed it Matthew Lamot. 

 

[egoeimai]

@spicy_pickles  some people are assholes. Thats the way they are developing in life. They re blind in front of people who give them valuable things such love acceptance understanding. The only one who deserves it is ourselves. Its hardly easy to accept. Give to yourself everything it needs!!!!! E v e r y t h i n g. Forget about him. Let him hive to himself if he needs sth . Take care 

[spicy_pickles]

Thanks popi.