everything I learned on my 10 day solo retreat

[NatureB]

((Skip to the bottom to see my tips for you guys))

 

Why I did the retreat:

I felt like more emotions were coming into my awareness than I could heal and integrate. I wanted to process these emotions and take the time to go deeper than usual. Specifically I wanted to heal some resentments towards my mother, look at emotions that have been holding me back from getting into a healthy romantic relationship, etc. 

What I learned about myself:

I have taken on the role of the Hero in my family system, which has caused me to take up more responsibility than I should and which has taken the place in my emotional life where a relationship should go. This is just one more reason why I haven't had a serious relationship in my adult life (currently 24) despite dating many different women.

I learned just how badly I want to travel and experience the world. I want to move out of my mom's and survive without the safety net that she is for me. I need to step up and be a man finally. So I want to move out, and since I am moving I might as well move out of state to get a real different experience of life, which I have faith will help me grow and learn about myself. Not to mention force me to make new, better friends than the ones I currently have.

My family:

My mother has created what family therapists call emotional incest with me. She treated me like her husband because she had dysfunction with her actual husband, my dad. In a moment of compassion I glimpsed how my mom is still hurt from losing her father to cancer. It wasn't her intent to create this dynamic with me, it just happened due to her own trauma and unawareness. I need to heal so that I don't pass these unhealthy dynamics down to my future children and simply for myself. I have a lot of neglectful patterns that I believe I received from my father and I catch myself repeating them with my younger cousins who live with me. Don't want that for them or my own children.

My purpose:

My purpose has a few different parts. 1A is to heal my childhood trauma, along the lines of John Bradshaw. Heal the guilt that has caused me to take on responsibility in a way that is not authentic to me. Heal my relationship with my mother and father, so that I can put it all behind me. 1B is to travel the U.S. and find where I would like to live next. 2A is to test my hand at becoming a meditation coach. See if I like it and if I do, pursue it. This calling came to me early in the trip and I think there is something there. The other purpose that came to me that I am not sure about is starting activism for a needle exchange here in Las Vegas.

What Else?

i let go of some long-standing resentments, such as resentment at my cousin Steven who has been dead for 13 years. These things don't just go away on their own, you have to actively let them go. A lot of fear was triggered in me due to being alone at night in a place I was unfamiliar with, and I used the opportunity to let that go. I also was surprised to find a substantial amount of negative emotions surface regarding past romantic involvements that I thought I was 100% over. Lastly, I let go of some shame I received from a high school friend, and I feel much more trusting of the world now.

It feels like 2 years have passed. Like I was in the hyperbolic time chamber from DBZ. I don't want to think about where I was headed before this retreat. I feel so much more mindful and conscious. Even if the heightened consciousness fades, I gained some tangible results in the form of written down insights. I know where I want to go with this now and what I will work on for the next 4-12 months.

 

Tips For Anyone Planning A Solo Retreat:

Get a cabin. I got a private section of this family's house through AirBnB and I could hear their kids running upstairs and whatnot. Just get a cabin, it will be well worth it. You want to get exercise and sunlight as well to keep you feeling balanced and motivated to keep going, so ideally go for a cabin in the woods.

Bring fresh food and cooking equipment. I ate vegan canned soups, trail mix and fruit every day. Stuff for a salad or some pasta would have been nice. Make it easy on yourself too. Next time I am cooking and freezing portions of homemade soup. Even bring a few unhealthy foods to hold you over until you can get back out into the normal world, like dark chocolate or chips. Consider bringing a blender and ready to go smoothie packs.

For first timers, consider doing 3 days only. If you have already done a 10-day Vipassana course like I have, start with around 7 days. Of course this is just a recommendation; do whatever you will be comfortable with. I originally planned for 11 full days but dropped the last two because it gets really hard being alone and facing your inner demons.

Request ahead of time that the hosts remove all TVs and the coffee machine from the property. This way you won't get tempted to numb yourself with coffee or slack off and watch TV.

Make sure the place has a full size fridge. It would be a good idea to bring a few days more food than you really need just to have a lot to choose from.

Bring a list of things that you want to work on and read it when meditation isn't providing fresh material.

Bring a blow-up mattress in case their mattress sucks.

Bring notebooks to write in. Bring 2 or 3 just in case. I wrote about 50 pages for reference.

 

[Nahm]

@NatureB

Couldn’t agree more with your ‘tips’. Have one on the calendar actually. ?? 

Great insights. Very happy for ya.