Romantic relationships and awakening (Triggered ego/painbody)

[beastcookie]

Hey!

I have a question about dealing with triggers in romantic relationships. I wanted to post this in the relationship-forum but think it fits better here. 

The problem:  I need a lot of attention in romantic relationships, especially sexual attention. I'm a female, don't need to go into too much detail but I find it hard to find men that I can connect with intellectually that also enjoy sex as much as I do. I'm not extreme or anything but my reaction to sexual rejection is strong. Rejection can be when it's been 1-2 days without sex and a boyfriend isn't showing much interest in me even if I'm reaaaally trying to get his attention (I get really creative in sex and no I'm not ugly, fat or old just find it fun and think it's an important part of deep emotional connection)

If I don't sense a high interest in my partner, emotional pain is instantly activated. I really work on myself spiritually so I can be the witnessing presence to this most of the time, but it's challenging.  

To the question: Lately I've seen "old reactive ego patterns" clearly as they float to the surface.  
Romantic relationships bring it all out for me, but I wonder if this is a productive purge (getting it all out and into the light to be transmuted) or if it's a sign of incompatibility. Since I'm not completely enlightened, it can be really hard to tell, especially if I'm with someone that is also working intensely on spiritual awakening. 

I guess core question is about telling productive purge from just creating new emotional pain, being desperate for attention isn't very enlightened for sure but perhaps there can be some kind of yin yang balance to it...?   

 

[beastcookie]

Can't leave can you?

[Someone here]

@zeroISinfinity you sound like an incel lol jk 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Someone here

[WaveInTheOcean]

2 hours ago, beastcookie said:

Hey!

I have a question about dealing with triggers in romantic relationships. I wanted to post this in the relationship-forum but think it fits better here. 

The problem:  I need a lot of attention in romantic relationships, especially sexual attention. I'm a female, don't need to go into too much detail but I find it hard to find men that I can connect with intellectually that also enjoy sex as much as I do. I'm not extreme or anything but my reaction to sexual rejection is strong. Rejection can be when it's been 1-2 days without sex and a boyfriend isn't showing much interest in me even if I'm reaaaally trying to get his attention (I get really creative in sex and no I'm not ugly, fat or old just find it fun and think it's an important part of deep emotional connection)

If I don't sense a high interest in my partner, emotional pain is instantly activated. I really work on myself spiritually so I can be the witnessing presence to this most of the time, but it's challenging.  

To the question: Lately I've seen "old reactive ego patterns" clearly as they float to the surface.  
Romantic relationships bring it all out for me, but I wonder if this is a productive purge (getting it all out and into the light to be transmuted) or if it's a sign of incompatibility. Since I'm not completely enlightened, it can be really hard to tell, especially if I'm with someone that is also working intensely on spiritual awakening. 

I guess core question is about telling productive purge from just creating new emotional pain, being desperate for attention isn't very enlightened for sure but perhaps there can be some kind of yin yang balance to it...?   

 

Well, I agree, sex is important for deep emotional connection.

Obviously, if you are a very sexual creature, an ideal partner would also have a high sex drive, right?

"but I wonder if this is a productive purge (getting it all out and into the light to be transmuted) or if it's a sign of incompatibility."

Couldn't it be both? 

I'd say, emotional pain could almost always be viewed as a kind of productive purge, if you are conscious about it.

Many people fall in love, have a relationship for some time, where both -- or at least one -- grow as humans, and then they find out they are incompatible and break up. Then usually, if one of them had not grown much during the relationship, he/she will after the break-up.

"Since I'm not completely enlightened"  -- why aren't you? Be careful of believing your own narrative too much, ehe...:>

What would it take for you to become completely enlightened? And who isn't enlightened? :>

Being desperate for attention is pretty human I'd say. Nothing wrong about that, especially not when paired with consciousness/contemplation/inquiry as you do. 

Perhaps, the more rules you set up about "what is not enlightened" the further away you get from that you seek.

Enlightenment isn't about behaving in a special way, or being nice, or being a good person. The road of enlightenment is a quest for honesty: unravling the mind and its ego-structures, accepting what is.

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions - which type on the enneagram is your core type? :>

[Farnaby]

@beastcookie I'm a guy and have experienced something similar to this.

Although instead of getting extremely creative I tend get frustrated and stop pursuing sex lol.

Haven't found a definitive answer/solution yet. However, I've found that any kind of pushing/forcing against what is happening in the now, never works.

So IME the best thing to do is to sit with the frustration/pain and not try to manipulate what is happening in any way. Because if you push and get rejected it's only going to make you feel worse and become more needy.

In my case, when the time is right and we both feel connected, sex happens naturally. 

Talking about how you feel with your partner, without blaming him, also helps. 

[Galyna]

 

4 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Ukraine 2nd place.

Glad you are with us, my friend. 

Hope you are feeling great and happy.

I am here as usual if anything.

Hugs.

[Johnny5]

4 hours ago, beastcookie said:

If I don't sense a high interest in my partner, emotional pain is instantly activated. I really work on myself spiritually so I can be the witnessing presence to this most of the time, but it's challenging.

 

4 hours ago, beastcookie said:

I guess core question is about telling productive purge from just creating new emotional pain, being desperate for attention isn't very enlightened for sure but perhaps there can be some kind of yin yang balance to it...?   

 

Could be that "being the witnessing presence" is really just a way of keeping your distance from that pain sothat you don't have to feel it fully. In other words a coping mechanism. Alas, the only way out is through.

If something got purged, you'd notice. If nothing changed, even after some time to recover, then nothing got purged, or you're holding on to something.

Don't be afraid to completely wallow in your feelings for as long as it takes, if it helps to purge them. They need to be let in and processed fully, not pushed away. Trying to purge them won't work, only letting them in works. It's your full attention that they're after, and only you can set them free. (Sound familiar...? ? ) 

Doesn't matter how "unenlightened" you think it may seem. You don't wake up by trying to act a certain way. Purging is messy, that's just how it is.

Also, it's entirely possible that this is part of a deeper, more general issue like neediness / lack of (unconditional) self-love. If so, you may want to look into that too. That could also be a reason why purging isn't happening or why you keep recreating that pain, as the case may be.

Edited August 29, 2020 by Johnny5

[WaveInTheOcean]

If you wanna get serious about purging, you should try Ayahuasca. We have a retreat-group here on Femø in Denmark called "spiritofaya", they are amazing , https://spiritofaya.com/ see you there perhaps  

[Nahm]

@beastcookie

Choose not to have sex. Then you’ll know on both accounts. 

[Galyna]

@zeroISinfinity lol, okay, I took it seriously that you were leaving the forum 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Galyna

[Galyna]

40 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Ok whatever lets help you deconstruct everything you ever think you know. 

you said you were not interested in talking about it? Am I right? 

[Galyna]

12 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

I am goodie.

not sure, is it coming from a hurt ego?

[Galyna]

2 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

It's mutual. 

it is mutual with whom?not sure what you are talking about.....

[Galyna]

18 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

This topic is about swedish girl. 

well, maybe you should quote her instead of me then? hah? 

[Galyna]

1 minute ago, zeroISinfinity said:

My advice find new boyfriend. 

She does exactly whats needed in her circumstances. 

[cetus]

@zeroISinfinity I'm glad your still here. You needed to hear this.

 

[StarStruck]

Have you talked this with your partner? You need somebody to share your described experience with.  If you are not comfortable sharing this information with your partner, you may want to focus on that. I´m having similar problems and what I really try to do is being an `open box`instead of a `closed box`. Closing yourself because of your feelings just retards one´s development. Relationships expose who you really are.

[cetus]

4 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

`open box`instead of a `closed box`.

No pun intended........

[StarStruck]

19 minutes ago, cetus said:

No pun intended........

That is what she said.

[Galyna]

43 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

That's my honest polar bear opinion. 

I know you are trying to help, no problem!

All I meant was that any advice is really irrelevant or meaningless, believe me, been there, done that. 

also so hard to understand what others need, we are not them, how can we know? To be them = live their whole entire life. It is all biased at the end.

Everything is going to be OK, Alex. No need to be unhappy....