Issues with confidence

[soos_mite_ah]

Lately I have been doing some shadow work because I realized that I have some issues with confidence. I find it difficult to really put myself out there because deep down I feel like I don't deserve to take up space. I feel like I'm always doing the most just by existing, like there is something inherently wrong with me. A lot of this has to do with trauma from my childhood (think from like 5-10). I've been trying to unpack that and dismantle those core beliefs but even though I consciously know that the messages that were ingrained into me were bullshit, I have problems with really embodying it. Some days I feel like wanting to hide in a cave and never have anyone see me again. This has caused me to isolate from people, keep quiet about my thoughts and opinions, and made it difficult to sell myself in certain settings where it is necessary. I might also have mild social anxiety from this as well. 

But the more isolating factor is that people see the opposite. They see me as someone who seems like they have it together in many aspects of their life and some people have even told me that I intimidate them because of the way I carry myself. I think I carry myself well because I have done a lot of self improvement work and have benefited a lot from it. I got into self improvement for a variety of good reasons, the central one being to improve my well being and quality of life so that I can live to the fullest. But there is a shadow side to this as well. I got into self development because I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. 

I can't get at what exactly is wrong with me, what exactly I can fix anymore. I'm trying to integrate the notion that self development won't make you a better person or more worthy because you were worthy during all parts of the journey. I think my problem is that I can be too hard on myself but I don't know man. I don't know what's wrong with me or if whats wrong with me is me thinking that there must be something wrong with me. 

How do I embody what I consciously know subconsciously? I feel like there are parts of myself that are fighting and contradicting and this thing just feels like a mess. Like the conscious part of me is like "Of course you are worthy, you were worthy this entire time. Literally no one thinks that you are lesser than them. It's all you." But my unconscious programming is like "Hide yourself away and keep improving yourself until you can come out as a perfect person because no one will love you if you have flaws."

[Nahm]

@soos_mite_ah

Meditation, working your way up to an hour every morning, is great for realizing you’re never thinking about what people think, you’re only thinking about what you think other people think. Also, through meditation, the body releases the emotional misunderstanding all on it own. The trick is mindfully getting out of the way / not ‘going into’ thinking about yourself. Meditation done properly revealed you are the awareness, aware of the thoughts....so no thought about you was ever actually about you, but was supporting the identifying as the body (suppressing & preventing emotional release). 

If emotional release gets too strong, go for a walk and focus on seeing, hearing, breathing & feeling. Write about how you feel. Pour yourself into things & activities you love...pain becomes beauty miraculously, but only in direct experience. Never in thinking. Godspeed. ?

Take advantage of all resources available to you. 

Sometimes the mind says ‘more is needed’...when often less is helpful. Food, thoughts, etc. 

[Jacob Morres]

You can try Noah Elkriefs videos, he addresses these questions. Since his comeback he changed his direction to self love and worth, inner child work, and healing. I think it is high quality stuff from what I've been watching so far 

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Jacob Morres

[soos_mite_ah]

@Jacob Morres I went through and skimmed over his videos on youtube and they seem like a pretty good resource to go off of  in this issue in particular. I have yet to watch anything because I'm currently bogged down with work but I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your recommendation

[Mu_]

On 8/28/2020 at 6:01 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Lately I have been doing some shadow work because I realized that I have some issues with confidence. I find it difficult to really put myself out there because deep down I feel like I don't deserve to take up space. I feel like I'm always doing the most just by existing, like there is something inherently wrong with me. A lot of this has to do with trauma from my childhood (think from like 5-10). I've been trying to unpack that and dismantle those core beliefs but even though I consciously know that the messages that were ingrained into me were bullshit, I have problems with really embodying it. Some days I feel like wanting to hide in a cave and never have anyone see me again. This has caused me to isolate from people, keep quiet about my thoughts and opinions, and made it difficult to sell myself in certain settings where it is necessary. I might also have mild social anxiety from this as well. 

But the more isolating factor is that people see the opposite. They see me as someone who seems like they have it together in many aspects of their life and some people have even told me that I intimidate them because of the way I carry myself. I think I carry myself well because I have done a lot of self improvement work and have benefited a lot from it. I got into self improvement for a variety of good reasons, the central one being to improve my well being and quality of life so that I can live to the fullest. But there is a shadow side to this as well. I got into self development because I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. 

I can't get at what exactly is wrong with me, what exactly I can fix anymore. I'm trying to integrate the notion that self development won't make you a better person or more worthy because you were worthy during all parts of the journey. I think my problem is that I can be too hard on myself but I don't know man. I don't know what's wrong with me or if whats wrong with me is me thinking that there must be something wrong with me. 

How do I embody what I consciously know subconsciously? I feel like there are parts of myself that are fighting and contradicting and this thing just feels like a mess. Like the conscious part of me is like "Of course you are worthy, you were worthy this entire time. Literally no one thinks that you are lesser than them. It's all you." But my unconscious programming is like "Hide yourself away and keep improving yourself until you can come out as a perfect person because no one will love you if you have flaws."

Do you think that by figuring out what is wrong with you it will go away?  Like a solution to a puzzle?  Most changes in my life never worked this way.

What if this wasn't the case, how would you approach your situation then?

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Do you think that by figuring out what is wrong with you it will go away?  Like a solution to a puzzle?  Most changes in my life never worked this way.

Yes I do think that's how it works. It worked for me every single time in the past. But then again, I have a broad definition of a solution to a puzzle. Sometimes the solution is more tangible where I need to do x y and z to deal with something. Other times the solution is more conceptual like understanding something about a person or situation to change my attitude with something. And some times the solution is me being more accepting and loving of the circumstances at play so that I can release the resistance that is holding me back so that the thing in question can pass through me. 

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

What if this wasn't the case, how would you approach your situation then?

Honestly I have no clue. 

[Mu_]

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Yes I do think that's how it works. It worked for me every single time in the past. But then again, I have a broad definition of a solution to a puzzle. Sometimes the solution is more tangible where I need to do x y and z to deal with something. Other times the solution is more conceptual like understanding something about a person or situation to change my attitude with something. And some times the solution is me being more accepting and loving of the circumstances at play so that I can release the resistance that is holding me back so that the thing in question can pass through me. 

Honestly I have no clue. 

Hmmm. I hear ya and nothing wrong with that. Not sure if this will help you yet, but I’ll put it out there. 

 

If no solution has worked for this issue as of yet, perhaps the “solution” isn’t in the realm of figuring it out. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Mu_ If it isn't in the realm of figuring out, does that mean I should let it be? Can the  process and attitude of "figuring it out" part of the problem itself?  

Just trying to see if I am understanding your perspective

[Mu_]

4 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@Mu_ If it isn't in the realm of figuring out, does that mean I should let it be? Can the  process and attitude of "figuring it out" part of the problem itself?  

Just trying to see if I am understanding your perspective

Yes!  Sometimes the process and attitude of "figuring out" is the same as keeping the belief system alive, like a magnifier glass.  To  drop the magnifier glass is to drop the belief system happening.  Sure some of the familiar thoughts and feelings may come up, but by not figuring them out, giving them additional meaning and story and energy in "the figuring out", the energy becomes less so in experience and there for less concerning and relevant to you.

Its "kinda" like this.  Next time you feel angry or unpleasant, instantly focus on something pleasant in your experience or think about something that makes you laugh or fill up with warmth and just keep focusing it there.  Notice how naturally the anger of unpleasant fades, even if just by a little (this can grow with practice of doing this with uncomfortableness.  Also just to note in case your thinking this is avoiding, this is not avoiding the sensation or  the discomfort either, its just applying attention elsewhere, to avoid would be to deny it being there or having been there or pushing it away and fighting about it being there.)  This can be a radical lesson and can open up a whole new way of being. 

Now it may be better to practice the above for a while before you get my original paragraph or it may be all you need to give you tools to work through your dilemma.  They are almost the same, but a little different, if you understand the nature of putting attention on something or not and how it effects you, then it may become obvious that your attention is on this issue you have in more ways then you realize and "the figuring out" is a form of focusing and keeping something going and that you can drop doing so.  But again, this practice of focus changing can be a stepping stone to being able to not needing to figure, feel free to message me in the future when you've practiced the above and want to learn more.

[soos_mite_ah]

@Mu_ Yeah this makes a lot of sense. 

Actually this week I have been doing better. I started school again for the semester and when I catch myself having these thoughts and feelings, I let myself observe it for a bit and then I redirect myself to something I need to get done. I noticed that it has helped me acknowledge whats happening internally without getting too consumed in it through excessive focusing.

Meditation has been helpful in processing and purging my suppressed feelings so that I'm at least aware of the inner workings of this mechanism. But lately I find that it compels me to bring out the microscope even more. I'm still going to keep meditating but I think it's good to redirect myself when I catch myself spiraling since at this point I'm already aware of whats happening and any more pondering can potentially get excessive. 

On 8/29/2020 at 9:59 AM, Nahm said:

you’re never thinking about what people think, you’re only thinking about what you think other people think.

I really like this. I've been thinking about this for the last couple days now and it was eye opening. It just took a minute to really sink in. Thank you. 

I only know things from my limited ego, I can't know exactly what others are thinking/feeling because i'm not in their perspective. I only know what my ego is projecting for me. Also, I have had the realization about a couple months ago that I am the awareness rather than the thoughts. I think it's a matter of time and me solidifying my meditation practice until I fully integrate this notion.  

[Mu_]

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@Mu_ Yeah this makes a lot of sense. 

Actually this week I have been doing better. I started school again for the semester and when I catch myself having these thoughts and feelings, I let myself observe it for a bit and then I redirect myself to something I need to get done. I noticed that it has helped me acknowledge whats happening internally without getting too consumed in it through excessive focusing.

Meditation has been helpful in processing and purging my suppressed feelings so that I'm at least aware of the inner workings of this mechanism. But lately I find that it compels me to bring out the microscope even more. I'm still going to keep meditating but I think it's good to redirect myself when I catch myself spiraling since at this point I'm already aware of whats happening and any more pondering can potentially get excessive. 

I really like this. I've been thinking about this for the last couple days now and it was eye opening. It just took a minute to really sink in. Thank you. 

I only know things from my limited ego, I can't know exactly what others are thinking/feeling because i'm not in their perspective. I only know what my ego is projecting for me. Also, I have had the realization about a couple months ago that I am the awareness rather than the thoughts. I think it's a matter of time and me solidifying my meditation practice until I fully integrate this notion.  

Your doing great!  Keep with it then.  Ya what Nahm said is a eye opener  

Just a small thing but is it your ego projecting for you?  Ya sure its not just another thought form arising and being labeled by You as ego?

[soos_mite_ah]

17 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Just a small thing but is it your ego projecting for you?  Ya sure its not just another thought form arising and being labeled by You as ego?

I took some time to think about this and I will say with 100% confidence that I have absolutely no idea 

The more I think the more I realize how much I don't know. 

[Mu_]

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I took some time to think about this and I will say with 100% confidence that I have absolutely no idea 

The more I think the more I realize how much I don't know. 

And thats a fine place to be.

[soos_mite_ah]

On 8/29/2020 at 11:09 AM, Jacob Morres said:

You can try Noah Elkriefs videos, he addresses these questions. Since his comeback he changed his direction to self love and worth, inner child work, and healing. I think it is high quality stuff from what I've been watching so far 

 

I finally got around to watching Noah's videos. Thank you so much for recommending him to me. It fits what I'm working on perfectly. 

Honestly, this felt like a game changer. Thank you!!!! 

[Jacob Morres]

@soos_mite_ah Glad it resonates!!!