Uncertainty about starting a relationship

[Verg0]

Heyy! 

I just met a woman at a little healing gathering a month ago and we started to connect very quickly. After the week ended we started to spend a lot of time together and we got to know each other on a deeper level. 

What comes up a lot when we spend time together is that she feels like I am hurting her through my words and actions. Even though my intentions are purely to love her in her being and support her on her way, she still feels like I am holding her back or I am mean or just focusing on myself and at the same time harrasing her in some way. She often gets very very emotional (even with little things I don't even recognize) and I don't know how to deal with it.  In these situations I get very quiet and meditative because I just don't see the significance of giving these 'problems' the importance that she expects me to give them. I don't want to give up my sense of peace and happiness for petty little problems that an ego mind is clinging to, so I just stay in my space of peace. 

I think a relationship is a beautiful mirror and a very good chance to reflect on my behavior and become more aware and conscious in everyday life. So I thought I would start to work on my communication skills and learn  a lot about relationships and sex to develop and improve myself in that area. I'm at a point in my life where I have a lot of freedom and I am in the researching phase of realizing my life purpose.  But I can't improve my relationship skills instantly overnight. 

So on the one hand I take responsibility for my actions and try to improve myself and our connection but on the other hand I see in her a deeply traumatized person that is very sensitive, gets easily mad and angry, holds on to the past, doesn't love herself, doesn't even want to take responsibility or improve/learn/self actualize/become more spiritually aligned and has a completely different worldview and slightly different values than myself. That part triggers me because in my last relationship I spend 3 years trying to inspire my partner to go on that journey with me and it got to the point where I realized that it will not happen, no matter what I do because I cannot change another person. And now the same dilemma comes up for me again. I want to love her unconditionally but at the same time I feel a deep 'wish' in myself (or I have the expectation?) that I want to create a vision with a partner that is also passionate about Self-Understanding,  the embodiment of Love and spiritual practice or Self Actualization. And I don't know why, but I feel the desire to help her, support and give her the tools so that she can heal herself to match my (or hopefully 'our' ) vision more. 

Another thing I noticed in myself is that I have the fear of hurting someone else. So I tend to hold my full potential back and/or sacrifice myself for the well being of another person. I guess that is something I need to work through. 

And now I'm at a point where I don't know what to do or say to her anymore (yes I tried to communicate everything I just said here with her). I don't even know how to think about the situation, because everytime I try to think about it (or everytime I am in the situation where she get's so emotional) my mind goes straight into silence (which is also a beautiful thing I guess haha, but not really practical). 

And the last thing is that I don't really feel needy or like I need a partner in my life right now, because I want to focus my attention on my life purpose (which is also something that requires that I need to spend time alone and do solo retreats or move to a different place etc.). But again, I can also imagine to go on that journey in a relationship where we lift each other up. 

Thanks for reading! If you have any thoughts or questions about more details, please feel free to answer! I would really appreciate it. 

Verg0