Fight or flight reaction to calling online

[liamnewsom202]

Ive been talking to more girls online in hopes of practicing talking to girls. Ive been applying some of the principals ive been learning about neediness and being high value. Ive called girls before and it usually goes really well but last night I had a complete fight or flight reaction. I greeted her then suddenly completely blanked on the awkward silence and hung up and blocked her. I felt completely small and helpless after that and struggled to sit with the way I treated her/acted earlier.

 

What ive come to understand on reflection is that I have become very challenged in terms of conversation and authenticity. I am learning alot more and trying to follow my intuition socially but it seems to create some kind of ego self image and often its hard for me to push myself to talk to just regular people even when im thinking I want to. I think what caused it last night was that I was too focused on myself and had no actual intentions with talking to this girl. When it came time to actually act I was too focused on not saying the wrong thing and being a certain way that it just completely malfunctioned. 

 

Im struggling to integrate this and have been trying to remember that I am not my feelings nor my thoughts on this. I feel like how will I ever actually become who I strive to be if it all just falls apart like this. It seemed like I was making progress but its clear I am just scratching the surface of the practical applications. I keep having the painful emotional feelings of the discomfort I felt at the moment replay in my mind. I am trying to stay present and see this not as something that shouldnt've happened but as a fair and equal result to the reality of where I am at. 

 

How can I integrate such an embarrassing moment and understand where the reaction came from? I feel like my confidence I built up before was fake and its hard for me to feel secure now. Should I continue to talk to girls for now in hopes of overcoming this or am I just going to embarrass myself more? Its particularly uncomfortable because I haven't felt social anxiety to this degree since childhood memories. 

[Farnaby]

@liamnewsom202 I don't know you so I apologize if I'm wrong, but I'll give it a shot.

Based on what you wrote, I think you're trying to prove yourself that you have value through succesfully speaking to girls. When it doesn't go well, you feel ashamed of yourself and beat yourself up.

The reason is because you're making your self-love and your sense of self-worth conditional to a certain result (succesfully talking to girls, whatever successfully means in your mind). 

This is usually deeply rooted in childhood experiences during the period where you build your self-esteem based on what people mirror back to you about your value, etc. 

I would explore that wounded part of yourself and start giving it unconditional love. If you can't, that's ok, try to give love to the part of you that can't accept this unconditional love. These parts are trying to protect you. By getting to know them, you can access the emotional experiences that led to those parts appearing. Then you can heal the pain they're protecting you from feeling. 

Next time you feel the discomfort of talking to a girl, breathe into it and ask yourself if you've felt this before. Try to access the earliest memories of this feeling. Maybe someone made fun of you for making some mistake or for acting a certain way? 

You see how the discomfort you feel today is trying to avoid that you feel that way again? By being compassionate to all of these protective parts, you're actually starting to love yourself unconditionally which is what you're lacking. It will also help you understand why you feel the way you feel. 

Hope this helps!

[liamnewsom202]

@Farnaby I have lots of trauma that I think i need to take a look at. I've been trying out Leo's holotropic shamanic breathing and its been really good and surprisingly intense. It often makes me cry but in a great cathartic way which seems to bring out emotions. That seems to be the essence of self love and working with trauma is finding comfort and loving through these wounds by feeling them through. I often have thoughts come up that make me uncomfortable especially in terms of girls. Like feeling really needy and worrying shes not going to respond to me or needing validation/needing to prove something. I feel like these things shouldnt be the case and I think thats just making the insecurity worse causing abnormal behavior like last night. I often feel like im looking for something in girls that I need to find in myself more readily. Ive gotten better at this by learning more about having value as a guy I just think ive thrown myself into it too quickly and need to work at myself before I really feel like I want to talk to girls in a meaningful way. I am really hurting today but im trying to sit with the hurt and feelings of worthlessness and see them as they are and get comfortable with it in order to accept it and love myself.

[hamedsf]

golden tip learned in my life:

be the man that never gets angry by any type of women's negative behavior otherwise it's not attractive