Love And Believe In Yourself

[I_Am]

My story:

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I was raised by an NPD father and passive mother who allowed the abuse to go on in the family home (gaslighting, verbal and physical abuse by my father) and becoming the introvert scapegoat of the family while my (criminal) brother was the chosen golden child. From an early age I learned to ignore my intuition, treating it as false and that my father spitting in my face was somehow deserved and that I was a piece of shit.

This lead me to become a perfectionist who could never find satisfaction with myself (or others) and always seeking external approval, I suffered from depression and low self esteem all throughout school having severe acne and social anxiety. Allbeit I have always been pretty smart going by the amount of subject material in philosophy and sciences where I looked for insights into the human condition and an answer as to "Why me?" I took a job at my fathers company which at the time I felt I had no other choice, my father was very manipulative and my goals/dreams were deemed stupid or unrealistic.

As the years went by with daily personal development work I'd become a good looking guy who had a series of short lasting relationships with attractive women after many years studying PUA matterial but now knowing the reason for the brief and sometimes bad relationships was the inherent lack of self-love I had.

I never became the actualised athete/actor/artist I imagined I'd be, and 10 years working for my father just blew by becoming accustomed to the feeling of hopelessness and anxiety. After using up all the self-taught knowledge I'd attained in digital marketing despite dropping out of college to focus on educating myself full time in my bedroom thinking that the key to my freedom and financing myself would be in internet entrepreneurship, He/My father publically shamed me and fired me when he saw me as a threat to his position when I acquired the confidence to speak up about my ideas to company stakeholders after developing his company and hiring key staff to progress his business, all while on a mineal salary.

I sought therapy around the age I started smoking weed at age 25 to gain some insight beyond what philosophy offered into my own personal experience and how to overcome it. I was diagnosed as having OCD and being twice gifted, which I think came about from being isolated most my life and going into my visual imagination to entertain and live in a fantasy world where I could feel empowered.

I am 29 now and have had a few psychedlic experience with mushrooms over the past 2 years which have given me great insights into truth while painful has been eye opening and pushed me toward enlightenment by abandoning my depressing story everytime a "thought" comes up to remind me of who I think I am based on past experience.

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My message to anyone who has suffered from a lack of love growing up is to love yourself unconditionally with absolute beleif in your self-worth and ability.

Do not get caught up in your current circumstance. It can and inevitably will all change but it is down to you.

Look no further than yourself for approval and love others, even those who hurt you with the same tenacity you love yourself.

Hardships DO make us stronger and as long as you are still breathing and your heart is still beating you can make a difference.

This is not woo-woo talk, it is real.

I am on course to making a large sum of money (7 figures) after founding my own business in the health and fitness industry online after completely surrending myself to reality and moving through fear into love but more importantly putting positive energy into the world and peoples lives being a "benevolent force" as Leo puts it.

I love you, I am you. We are all on a journey and there is light at the end, there is light with you now no matter how dark it may seem at times God is good, YOU are good.

To repeat what Leo said in the most recent video if you are in a dire situation and see no way out psychedelics can definitely help you.

I still have a long way to go but my message here is this: You are not your past, please believe things do get better.

I love you, take care

[Orange]

10 minutes ago, I_Am said:

 

To repeat what Leo said in the most recent video if you are in a dire situation and see no way out psychedelics can definitely help you.

Where and how can you do that when you don't have any trusting people around to guide you in this?  I have a few trusting friends but they are not near me, I've been wondering how to do this nevertheless. 

 

10 minutes ago, I_Am said:

I love you, take care

Me too

[Blind Observer]

Well said mate, great that you're making such achievement considering what you had to deal, what doesn't kill you make you stonger!  I have a manipulative dad as well, he actually has a bipolarity disorder, me and my family realised that just now so my mother is asking separation.  At least  was him that pushed me for go in England, where I'm now, from Italy,. He wanted me to improve the English to  work in hotels like him, not sure if I'll follow his idea but definitely  here I have greatest possibilities to become my greatest version. As says David Deida live like your father is dead, meaning do what's right to you always! Keep going and all the best!

Edited August 12, 2016 by Blind Observer

[I_Am]

On 12 August 2016 at 11:58 AM, Orange said:

Where and how can you do that when you don't have any trusting people around to guide you in this?  I have a few trusting friends but they are not near me, I've been wondering how to do this nevertheless. 

 

Me too

Everything is made of absolute love, just obscured by fear and disillusion 

You must forgive me as the original post was very personal to me and hard for me to write. I'm not in the position to give advice beyond my own projected experience but I do know that the message Leo delivers in his video is divine truth 

 

[Naviy]

I am 26, and my father is very egoistic, neurotic and manipulative. He always tries to show his dominance any way possible by first making other people depended from him and then "punishing" them regularly, when they cannot just leave him (he is a founder and CEO of a company with 100 people there, and there are always people quitting only because of his character). He does this because his is addicted to the feeling of self-justification. When he punishes somebody, or makes somebody "guilty" before him, he feels self-justified. He desperately needs this feeling of self-justification, because he has always been acting like a crazy person and he knows it, and, therefore, constantly feels guilt for his crazy behaviour. And to overcome guilt, he has to cultivate the feeling of self-righteousness. The only way to feel self-righteousnes he knows, is to make somebody else wrong and guilty and owe him (and he does that literally every day all the time with everybody). So he does that, which adds more guilt to himself --> more need to feel self-righteousnes --> more punishing --> more guilt, etc, etc.

My mother divorced this crazy fucker when I was 8, but now I work on him. Which is a great life issue for me currently. He gives me a good job (in material sense) to use me as a resource for his guilt-punishing-guilt circle. He bought me a flat where I live and gave me a car (I never asked for those, he just signed papers, not asking my opinion and not leaving me a choice). He does this with only one reason - to make me owe him, and to self-justify himself for all his "sins" (crazy behaviour) that torture him, so he could use me for self-justification by constantly punishing me and making me guilty. He was doing it with all the people around him for his whole life, so now he is a master in manipulating other people and making everybody else guilty. This has really really affected me psychologically in may ways. He wants me to be his permanent victim.

On 12.08.2016 at 6:22 PM, Blind Observer said:

As says David Deida live like your father is dead, meaning do what's right to you always! Keep going and all the best!

I've heard about this concept some time ago, but forgot about it. It is very relevant to me now. Where can I learn about it more?

Edited August 14, 2016 by Naviy

[egoeimai]

@Naviy  oh hello!!! I have the same asshole for father!!! Excepth he doesnt buy me a single chewing gum,not a flat. You lucky!!!!

[Naviy]

7 minutes ago, popi said:

@Naviy  oh hello!!! I have the same asshole for father!!! Excepth he doesnt buy me a single chewing gum,not a flat. You lucky!!!!

Yeah, hehe, lol. But it's not that simple with this bastard. He bought me a flat, so my mother's mother (my grandma) could live in my own flat that I lived before (he bought my flat from me, added some money, and bought a bigger flat for me). So now each time when I do something he dislikes, he threatens me by telling that he will sell my old flat and my 76 years old grandma will have to look for other place to live.

Edited August 14, 2016 by Naviy

[egoeimai]

@Naviy  what an asshole. I hate him. :l 

Well we are still surviving you see. ????Thats positive!!

Make your own money and leave this bastard.

I wish I was 25 or 30 now to be able to do this and take my degree and disappear for ever.

[I_Am]

1 hour ago, Naviy said:

I am 26, and my father is very egoistic, neurotic and manipulative. He always tries to show his dominance any way possible by first making other people depended from him and then "punishing" them regularly, when they cannot just leave him (he is a founder and CEO of a company with 100 people there, and there are always people quitting only because of his character). He does this because his is addicted to the feeling of self-justification. When he punishes somebody, or makes somebody "guilty" before him, he feels self-justified. He desperately needs this feeling of self-justification, because he has always been acting like a crazy person and he knows it, and, therefore, constantly feels guilt for his crazy behaviour. And to overcome guilt, he has to cultivate the feeling of self-righteousness. The only way to feel self-righteousnes he knows, is to make somebody else wrong and guilty and owe him (and he does that literally every day all the time with everybody). So he does that, which adds more guilt to himself --> more need to feel self-righteousnes --> more punishing --> more guilt, etc, etc.

My mother divorced this crazy fucker when I was 8, but now I work on him. Which is a great life issue for me currently. He gives me a good job (in material sense) to use me as a resource for his guilt-punishing-guilt circle. He bought me a flat where I live and gave me a car (I never asked for those, he just signed papers, not asking my opinion and not leaving me a choice). He does this with only one reason - to make me owe him, and to self-justify himself for all his "sins" (crazy behaviour) that torture him, so he could use me for self-justification by constantly punishing me and making me guilty. He was doing it with all the people around him for his whole life, so now he is a master in manipulating other people and making everybody else guilty. This has really really affected me psychologically in may ways. He wants me to be his permanent victim.

I've heard about this concept some time ago, but forgot about it. It is very relevant to me now. Where can I learn about it more?

Everything that is not made of love is not real and therefore cannot/will not last.

You have the awareness to talk about the things you mentioned which are real to you, you need to feel your experience and learn from it to move forward and to not think or rationalize away the "Why" of what happened or the way he is as you are in effect justifying your inability to move forward (if you feel that you are trapped in memory).

The way out of this, hard as it may be is to not take any of what has happened personally, because once you make it personal you are making it part of your identity and perpetuating the story of being a victim.

You are here to raise the vibration of the world by giving love and being loved. You DO deserve to be loved because YOU ARE LOVE MADE OF GOD.

Yes your Dad most likely is a cu** but you need to be eternally grateful and trusting in that the insights you have gained through your experience serve a greater purpose that maybe you can't see right now because fear is obscurring the truth.

Psychedlics (mushrooms not weed) did provide me the breakthrough I needed to heal. It is one thing to be able to speak the truth but it's another to be the truth and sometimes we need a little help getting there.

You want to be at a place where you can say with absolute conviction "I am glad and grateful for the lack of love I have received growing up" because it has enabled you to seek and give love to yourself in abundance.

 

Edited August 14, 2016 by I_Am

[Naviy]

@popi @I_Am Thank you very much.

 

@popi Yes, this is probably the highest quality decision. But it is a very bold and scary decision for me. I have never worked on any other job, never earned my own money, never tried to be hired by anone, etc. I got so comfortable sitting on my ass on current job and making easy money in safety and having a lot of free time.

The scariest thing for me, is that I think, if I will leave my current job, then I will have to work 10 hours 5 days a week, and I will have no power or time left for any personal development and spiritual work. This is so scary for me. It's like: "If you will leave this job, then it is very probably you will lose all your mindfulness, you will lose any chances to see the truth and reality and enlightenment, you will die in misery and suffering and unconscious, just like an ordinary modern human, no truth, no purpse, no satisfaction, only worrying, obsession and fear. You will only have time to work and sleep, work and sleep, no interests or hobbies or time for meditation. You will always be tired and unsatisfied". This all is bullshit mostly, but still stops me.

@I_Am Yes, I cannot aggree to this more: "You want to be at a place where you can say with absolute conviction "I am glad and grateful for the lack of love I have received growing up" because it has enabled you to seek and give love to yourself in abundance". I am grateful for the suffering and issues that I had in life, because this what led me to deeper understanding and development. Also, current suffering could be a good object for further improvement. I've been interested in psychedelics for 6 years now, but I have never tried any. I think I am ready to try them, but the only reason that stops me now is that all psychedelics are illegal in my country, and currently I don't have enough money and courage to go to other country to get them. If I had any accsess to clean quality mushrooms or LSD, I'd do it 100%. I am interested in DMT the most, but I am not sure I have enough courage to take it (I used to plan a trip to Peru though).

Anyway, thank you very much for your words, they are real help.

[egoeimai]

I used to have this point of view. ...that job sucks N you dont have time left.

But its not true. You  will adapt to the new way of living.

Edited August 14, 2016 by popi

[I_Am]

3 hours ago, Naviy said:

@popi @I_Am Thank you very much.

 

@popi Yes, this is probably the highest quality decision. But it is a very bold and scary decision for me. I have never worked on any other job, never earned my own money, never tried to be hired by anone, etc. I got so comfortable sitting on my ass on current job and making easy money in safety and having a lot of free time.

The scariest thing for me, is that I think, if I will leave my current job, then I will have to work 10 hours 5 days a week, and I will have no power or time left for any personal development and spiritual work. This is so scary for me. It's like: "If you will leave this job, then it is very probably you will lose all your mindfulness, you will lose any chances to see the truth and reality and enlightenment, you will die in misery and suffering and unconscious, just like an ordinary modern human, no truth, no purpse, no satisfaction, only worrying, obsession and fear. You will only have time to work and sleep, work and sleep, no interests or hobbies or time for meditation. You will always be tired and unsatisfied". This all is bullshit mostly, but still stops me.

@I_Am Yes, I cannot aggree to this more: "You want to be at a place where you can say with absolute conviction "I am glad and grateful for the lack of love I have received growing up" because it has enabled you to seek and give love to yourself in abundance". I am grateful for the suffering and issues that I had in life, because this what led me to deeper understanding and development. Also, current suffering could be a good object for further improvement. I've been interested in psychedelics for 6 years now, but I have never tried any. I think I am ready to try them, but the only reason that stops me now is that all psychedelics are illegal in my country, and currently I don't have enough money and courage to go to other country to get them. If I had any accsess to clean quality mushrooms or LSD, I'd do it 100%. I am interested in DMT the most, but I am not sure I have enough courage to take it (I used to plan a trip to Peru though).

Anyway, thank you very much for your words, they are real help.

Take a look and see how you are projecting into the future what you THINK will happen. You don't even know what is going to happen in your life an hour from now, all you can do is predict and torture yourself in the meanwhile life is unfolding.

You say you are not happy with what you're doing but it's comfortable. So what are you really saying here? Look deeper.

What do you love the most? What about you could be of service to someone else? What activities do you do where you completely forget about this idea of who you think you are and lose yourself in the moment? These are the questions that you'll only ever find answers to when you step out of your comfort zone.

What is holding you back is fear. But fear is not real because it exists in your mind and not in reality.

Also, give up the notion that you are in control of anything because you're not. Surrender to everything that currently is and put you intention, attention and belief on what you desire. As you do this the movie that is your life will play out infront of you differently, things you once were attached to will fall away and you will adapt. One day you will find yourself some place new and you will be somebody else.

"No man steps into the same river twice, as the river is not the same and neither is the man"

Keep going

Edited August 14, 2016 by I_Am

[Blind Observer]

23 hours ago, Naviy said:

I am 26, and my father is very egoistic, neurotic and manipulative. He always tries to show his dominance any way possible by first making other people depended from him and then "punishing" them regularly, when they cannot just leave him (he is a founder and CEO of a company with 100 people there, and there are always people quitting only because of his character). He does this because his is addicted to the feeling of self-justification. When he punishes somebody, or makes somebody "guilty" before him, he feels self-justified. He desperately needs this feeling of self-justification, because he has always been acting like a crazy person and he knows it, and, therefore, constantly feels guilt for his crazy behaviour. And to overcome guilt, he has to cultivate the feeling of self-righteousness. The only way to feel self-righteousnes he knows, is to make somebody else wrong and guilty and owe him (and he does that literally every day all the time with everybody). So he does that, which adds more guilt to himself --> more need to feel self-righteousnes --> more punishing --> more guilt, etc, etc.

My mother divorced this crazy fucker when I was 8, but now I work on him. Which is a great life issue for me currently. He gives me a good job (in material sense) to use me as a resource for his guilt-punishing-guilt circle. He bought me a flat where I live and gave me a car (I never asked for those, he just signed papers, not asking my opinion and not leaving me a choice). He does this with only one reason - to make me owe him, and to self-justify himself for all his "sins" (crazy behaviour) that torture him, so he could use me for self-justification by constantly punishing me and making me guilty. He was doing it with all the people around him for his whole life, so now he is a master in manipulating other people and making everybody else guilty. This has really really affected me psychologically in may ways. He wants me to be his permanent victim.

I've heard about this concept some time ago, but forgot about it. It is very relevant to me now. Where can I learn about it more?

@Naviy the quote is from the book The Way of the Superior Man, which I highly reccomand. 

About your dad I would suggest to get away from him and cut all contacts because you can't really work to become your best version under the pressure of a manipulative person, he can affect your development in many ways whithout you even notice counciusly, people fall in depression and killed themselves in extreme cases under the influence of manipulative persons, educate yourself about manipulate persons with books and videos and find the best solution for you.

[Blind Observer]

@Naviy this might help

 

Edited August 15, 2016 by Blind Observer