I thought I knew what ego death was... (5-MeO Trip Report)

[davebryand]

After about 30-40 DMT breakthroughs, tonight I had the opportunity to try 5-MeO-DMT for the first time. My work with DMT was built on a foundation of inner-work, meditation, and psychedelic exploration resulting in constantly deepening levels of spiritual awakening, but mainly that this whole thing is all about L❤︎VE. I've met entities, jesters, and had what seemed like initiations into higher consciousness over the past year and a half and came to see all of that as figment of the One imagination. I've recognized the reality of myself (and you, and you, and you!) as God and have experienced this directly on a number of occasions across a variety of experience over the past three years. Long story short, all of the work is going well and I have a lovely life magically manifesting before my eyes.

Tonight I put on Djesse Vol. 3 by Jacob Collier and loaded somewhere around 25mg into the ceramic donut coil of the Yocan Evolve Plus XL. I had taken about 10mg two nights ago and confirmed that this stuff takes me to what I might call as the "finish line" of my DMT experiences. I instantly recognized and was saturated in Oneness and knowing my Divinity. That was an appetizer, tonight I was ready to GO IN.

I meditated for a bit with some incense and got very centered on my intention. I began inhalation using my normal protocol from DMT experience of slowly breathing in for a count of 30 while I pulse the Yocan two seconds on the button, two seconds off. As I get about 10 seconds in I try to gauge from the vapor consistency whether or not I need to pulse more or less or for longer than two seconds. I did that and then after about a count of 20 I was at my limit, began holding my breath and that was that.

I don't remember much overall but I do have the memory of repeating to myself: "This is it, this is pure awareness, you're experiencing pure awareness! This is pure awareness--you have to remember! This is pure consciousness--bring this back!" I was out for about 20ish minutes I believe, from working into it later, when I suddenly find myself sitting up, looking at some beautiful candles and flowers that I have setup in our porch, dubbed "The Lotus Lounge". Things are glitching and reality is sort of quickly cutting in and out or something. I was seeing this manifest reality from a MUCH different perspective of inclusivity and perfect connection with everything in existence. Next thing that pops into my head is "Holy shit, is this what Leo was talking about with 5-MeO-DMT and Mahasamadhi?!?! Fuck!!! I'm merging with the Universe and I have to choose right now if I want to die and complete the merge or stay here on earth... Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck. I CHOOSE EARTH, I CHOOSE LIFE HERE!" (not sure that's exactly what Leo was saying, but that's what came up for me)

"Holy fuck, am I gonna dematerialize and disappear from existence?" At this point, I kinda shit my pants. (Thankfully that's just a metaphor) "Fuck, I need to get grounded! I start grabbing the flowers, saying 'keep me here, I wanna stay here!'". That was working a little but the state I was in was FUCKING INTENSE. The sharpness of the awareness and "allness" was UNREAL. Completely sublime and blissful, but I can't even begin to describe how intense this dose of reality was for me. MUCH more intense that anything I experienced on high doses of DMT. For some reason, I was always prepared with my mindset in those experiences to just go along for the ride. In this experience I was like, "yup, I'm gonna die", everybody is gonna be disappointed that I fucked it all up.

I thought "Fuck--I need to wake wifey up and get help!" I ran into the room and woke her up "Babe, I need help." My voice sounded like some of the effects in the Jacob Collier album I was listening to (I think that's why I like it ?)--glitching and skipping. "I took 5-MeO-DMT tonight and I'm freaked out!" I still felt like I was dissolving and could disappear completely at any second.

We went out into the hallway and sat down across from each other. We held hands and she looked me in the eyes and said "it's ok, babe, I'm here, I'm here." I've never been so happy to see someone in my life. She looked beautiful and I was so comforted to look at her. "I need to get grounded, I need to you help me get grounded", I said in a slightly calmer state then even just a few moments before. I was coming down and things were starting to feel more material and I was beginning to believe that I would see another day on Earth.

"White wine! Please, white wine!" I had this intuition that the cool, crisp taste of white wine would get me back in touch with my senses and further solidify my return to reality. I walked out onto the porch to wait as she poured the wine and within the few minutes it took her to get that ready, I was already ready to walk in and tell her that I was good to go. I was still slightly woozy at that point, but it was clear I was back and good to go.

We sat up and had a long conversation about this experience, my DMT experiences, my call to the shamanic path, and other topics which we don't have super high bandwidth communication around. She was amazingly accepting (I'm a very lucky person!) and supportive. Thank you, Lovey.

As I was talking to her I had an Aha, which was: "Ohhhh fuck! THAT's what ego death is!" I've had experiences that have completely transformed what I think of as my ego and have had experiences of dissolution on DMT many times, but all I can say was this was some next level shit! Ego death goes MUCH deeper than I realized.

Thank you, Leo, for all of the courageous work that you are doing to bring awareness to these glorious psychedelic gifts we've been given. ????

???

Edited August 27, 2020 by davebryand

[allislove]

Thanks for sharing, lovely read ?
Ego + Death = Lie + Lie, kinda nothing, noise 


 

[davebryand]

@Leo Gura I'm curious if your relationship to the feeling that you could choose mahasamadhi while on 5-MeO has changed as you've integrated that experience. I'd also love to understand more about why you say that you would have taken the whole universe with you at that point. Thank you!

[OBEler]

@davebryand Nice !! Sounds very intense. Martin Ball never talked about ego death much in his books. He said either you are on or you are off. There are no grades in between.

Maybe you never experienced an ego death before?

Or was this something different? Like real mahasamadhi? I dont know

Edited August 27, 2020 by OBEler

[James123]

@davebryand where are you in the body to experience mahasamadhi? 

[Nahm]

Beautiful, thanks for sharing! 

[Bittu]

Thanks for the story.

 

Can't wait to take my first dose of 5-MeO soon enough.

[Leo Gura]

@davebryand You took too much too fast. Next time go slower with your doses. And try plugging rather than vaping it. You will be much more comfortable in it.

Yes, there are many levels and even kinds of of ego-death. Even what you got there is still only the beginning, really.

The ego-death on salvia is even more intense and freaky than that of 5-MeO-DMT as you will lose all memory of having been human. You won't even know that you are inside your house or who your wife is, as your memory gets nulled out.

And ego-death itself isn't the end either. Beyond ego-death there are many degrees of God-realization.

[davebryand]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@davebryand You took too much too fast. Next time go slower with your doses. And try plugging rather than vaping it. You will be much more comfortable in it.

Yes, there are many levels and even kinds of of ego-death. Even what you got there is still only the beginning, really.

The ego-death on salvia is even more intense and freaky than that of 5-MeO-DMT as you will lose all memory of having been human. You won't even know that you are inside your house or who your wife is, as your memory gets nulled out.

And ego-death itself isn't the end either. Beyond ego-death there are many degrees of God-realization.

Thank you for the feedback--much appreciated ??

I believe you that it's only the beginning. That description of salvia clicks for me and I think I just shit my pants again.

"Beyond ego-death there are many degrees of God-realization." Aha--of course! We can't move into God-realization mode until Phase Ego Death is complete. That explains a lot of my DMT Path and the growth and setbacks that occurred during that time. I did move into a God-realization mode eventually on DMT and then had some amazing energy body experiences that felt like the end of that chapter for me.

I now see why this is next chapter. ???

[davebryand]

5 hours ago, OBEler said:

Nice !! Sounds very intense. Martin Ball never talked about ego death much in his books. He said either you are on or you are off. There are no grades in between.

Maybe you never experienced an ego death before?

Or was this something different? Like real mahasamadhi? I dont know

I'm not sure if I've experienced "ego death" or not at this point. What I know is that I've felt connected to the Infinite in many experiences in my life, but in this, I literally thought I was merged completely with the infinite and every shred of my identity here would cease to exist.

[Space]

@davebryand Yea 25mg is a big dose. I worked my way up very slowly over the course of 7 or 8 trips and always plugged so the come up is smoother. My biggest dose was 30mg and that is when actual God Infinity fully realised itself. It's extremely intense like a freight train hitting you, yet totally still and silent. You gotta approach the peak of the trip with a sense of calm and steadiness. When it gets very intense just breath slowly and intentionally relax the body - you must know this from doing so many dmt trips? Anyway, go for Actual Full Infinity and Actual God - there is not a single speck of doubt when it realises itself.

[OBEler]

@Space Can you really breath through everything storm that arises during higher 5 meo trips? I mean do you have the ability to concentrate on breath no matter what? Even if god realised itself?

If so then I could overcome every fear. I thought on higher doses 5 meo you forget even how to breath so how can you stay on it

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@OBEler It varies person to person.

I've never had difficulty breathing on 5-MeO-DMT or any other psychedelic regardless of intensity.

But you might.

[allislove]

@OBEler yes, at the come up stage you can concentrate on breathing to calm yourself down. But on the peak, you let go fully, it's just your dream, so doesn't really matter.

Trust in yourself, it's all good, nothing to worry about. 5-MeO may just help you to realize that this is actually the case. 

[davebryand]

2 hours ago, Space said:

@davebryand It's extremely intense like a freight train hitting you, yet totally still and silent. You gotta approach the peak of the trip with a sense of calm and steadiness. When it gets very intense just breath slowly and intentionally relax the body - you must know this from doing so many dmt trips? Anyway, go for Actual Full Infinity and Actual God - there is not a single speck of doubt when it realises itself.

Great description! I was breathing slowly on the come up and relaxing myself, but then I was out for what felt like a minute and was 20. When I came back to some awareness of body I was still in a very heightened state and that's when I thought I done broke the Universe.   On DMT I was able to completely let go and surrender. In this experience, I thought I was surrendered until I hit the resistance/fear in my mind that Leo described about potentially leaving his body permanently. I now know that I can let that go and surrender to this experience. Looking forward to having a more controlled demolition in the future. ?

1 hour ago, allislove said:

@OBEler yes, at the come up stage you can concentrate on breathing to calm yourself down. But on the peak, you let go fully, it's just your dream, so doesn't really matter.

Trust in yourself, it's all good, nothing to worry about. 5-MeO may just help you to realize that this is actually the case. 

Well said, @allislove, thanks!

[OBEler]

@Leo Gura I dont mean having difficulties on breathing. I just ask me if I can focus/rely on it anytime during the trip because it gives me savety.

I just need an anchor if the storm gets strong. If it is not the breath then something else (concentrating on 3rd eyes, music, arm movements whatever). Can I count on this on full dose 5 meo anytime  or does this one anchor hinders me from realising God? Should I  even let go my anchor?

 

Edited August 28, 2020 by OBEler

[Grateful Dead]

@OBEler It always seems to me that you want to avoid fear..if that is true you shouldn't do psychedelics, especially 5-meo. Its all about facing your fears and overcoming them. Have you worked with other psychedelics like lsd?

[OBEler]

@acidgoofy Yes I tried lsd. Before lsd I tried 5 times AL-LAD and never had any fear at all, was just nervous at the beginning but when the trip started I was curious and exited. FIrst time LSD I took 200 microgramm and at the beginning everything was fine but then fear hit me and I was so overwhelmed by it I could not sleep without lights turned on. After one year of a psychedelic break  I came back with low to to normal doses. But these trips are different. There is fear always lurking around and I cannot enjoy psychedelics anymore. When fear comes up I now focus on the breath and fear goes away so this is my strategy.

My goal is to overcoming fear and if my strategy on focusing on my anchor (breath) doesn t work with 5 meo then I dont know how I can overcome this fear. What are the best strategies? Or maybe I just give up and look at it. No anchor on my breath

 

 

[Space]

4 hours ago, OBEler said:

@Space Can you really breath through everything storm that arises during higher 5 meo trips? I mean do you have the ability to concentrate on breath no matter what? Even if god realised itself?

If so then I could overcome every fear. I thought on higher doses 5 meo you forget even how to breath so how can you stay on it.

At the very peak of the trip there are periods where I stop breathing, yes. Honestly could not tell you how long for because I was in Eternity. But it's kinda intentional and the body is so non dual and free of contraction it feels perfectly natural. If you think about when you're in a very deep state of meditation you hardly breath at all, you're very still and the breath is very subtle. It's like that but just much more intense. 

However, even during the most intense 5-MeO high you can still 'take control' and take a breath like normal. There has never been any difficulty or physical restrictions on my ability to breath whatsoever.

Breathing is particularly interesting in high consciousness ego-less states. Feels like the whole of Infinity is breathing itself. Fun question to contemplate - what actually is breathing?  I read somewhere that Raltson said one his favourite things to do was breath, don't know if it was a joke or not .

1 hour ago, OBEler said:

I just need an anchor if the storm gets strong. If it is not the breath then something else (concentrating on 3rd eyes, music, arm movements whatever). Can I count on this on full dose 5 meo anytime  or does this one anchor hinders me from realising God? Should I  even let go my anchor?

Bringing your awareness back to the body and the breath can be a good 'anchor' if you really need it. However, fully letting go of everything is also very important.

[Grateful Dead]

Hm oke I also been there. Thats how I do it - Before the trip I set the intention to overcome my fear and to find out what its about. I lay down and do nothing and when the fear comes I let it overcome me. Then I investigate it like what is all that fear about? Whats the problem? How does it exactly feel and why is it there? This time can be really horrible and is not enjoyable at all but after some time there is a breaking point and for example last time I realized that I am fighting against my self and in that moment I just gave up. After that it was all love and bliss. I think you have to accept the fear to overcome it.

Sometimes it takes 2-3 trips to work it out but in the end its always worth it. Hope this helps you!