I hate being a judgemental smart-ass while having nothing to show for it

[blankisomeone]

This is gonna be a little bit of a rant. Brace yourselves

When I was a kid people would always say I was the smartest person in class. I would always get A’s and people loved me to be in their groups when the teacher assigned us group work. People would fight to have me, because they knew I was creative and intelligent. I would get compliments from teachers all the time and my parents would always show me off to their friends. People used to compliment me so much that I developed a very intellectual, superior ego. BUT (and this is an important but) I always felt that that wasn’t right. I always hated feeling superior to people. I didn’t want it. But at the same time I did recognize that my IQ was slightly above average. I liked that about me, but I didn’t recognize that as an excuse to feel superior to others even though people would feed me that belief.

Because of many other personal reasons that I won’t get into, as I turned 13, I developed some sort of depression. I lost interest in school, I lost interest in studying, reading, writing, EVERYTHING. My grades plummeted, like my will to keep on living. I went to a very bad school afterwards because the good ones wouldn’t accept me because of my now low grades. But my intellectual ego was still running. Even though I had nothing to show for it, I would catch myself judging others and I hated that so much.

To this day, I still notice myself judging others in my head and I hate it. I feel that I give off a “superior” vibe. I hate it because it isn’t true. I’m not superior to anyone! I hate it when people tell me I’m intelligent, because I’m not. At least not anymore. Since my depression robbed my interest in studying from me, my “intelligence” turned into “arrogance”.

I just want to be less arrogant, less judgmental. I want people to be comfortable around me. I just want people to genuinely feel accepted in my presence. It happened to me once, when these two people I met were so accepting of me, because I told them I’m bisexual, and I didn’t see ANY judgement in their eyes, in their actions, in how they treated me. I GENUINELY felt it. They were very loving people and they weren’t even trying, it came so naturally to them, and I think of them all the time! The way they accepted me and treated me like any other person was priceless!! It was the best gift someone could give me EVER. I fucking cry whenever I think of how loving they were. And I want to be like that to other people! But I can’t because of this stupid egotistical “intelligence”. 

I’m a mess, I just wanna let go.

If I at least had something to show for it, then this intellectual ego could be forgiven.

Edited August 26, 2020 by blankisomeone

[Espaim]

Do you want to change?

[blankisomeone]

3 hours ago, Espaim said:

Do you want to change?

All the time

[Mada_]

I really don't understand the value of "iq".

People I know who are certain they are intelligent, are really good at navigating systems e.g. Know what a school assessor is looking for, and then conforming exactly to this. 

My view is that IQ doesn't mean shit, "creativity and intelligence" to the majority of people just means talking confidently for a long time and delivering common sense in a romantic tone. The people who praise others for this are probably not introspective, because this isn't really taught in our culture. The majority of people won't call you out for a shallow idea, because they often times haven't really thought for themselves. 

-

One of my friends is convinced I am a "genius". Which is hilarious to me because I've probably read like three books over two years, and done quite minimal contemplation. I've hung around with lots of really informed people, had too many "political" discussions so when I get carried away I probably sound like a college professor. It's all rubbish, I'm full of shit, they're all just nice ideas, not at all a reflection of what I embody. And the same goes for all my "intelligent" friends, mind you have gotten some of the best academic results you can possibly get. 

My advice would be to take action on vision and understanding. Like after I write this I'm going to do some work on my dream board and do a visualization, maybe you could do the same and pm me about what you visualized later on. 

Good luck g.