Envy good looks

[arlin]

29 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

From what i understand, you had this issue, your ex put a magnifying glass on it and made it worse, and you didn't get out in the first red flag and stuck around for multiple instances where she treated you badly because you had this belief about yourself in the back of your mind.

This could very possible be.

 

29 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Looks matter when it comes to personal preferences but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because there are so many different types of preferences that you're bound to be attractive in a lot of peoples eyes regardless of what you look like or what you think you look like.

My mind right now completely is disregarding those ideas. I just don't care anymore. It has been soo much pain. I know sooner or later i have to figure this stuff out but as you said, not focusing on looks but more deep issues that has to be resolved otherwise i would always feel unworthy the way i am.

 

29 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

What you went through is horrible and it's ok to recognize it,

Im having an emotional reaction to this, i think i need more people to see my pain and to validate it and to stay close to me. Maybe with support i can fully let go. it's difficult because i have shame around the subject of being attractive and the way she treated me.. if for example i could open up to somebody and that somebody failed to aknowlege the deepness of the pain and disregarding it or even encouraging me to get over it soon, or that it is not a big deal, that would make me feel hopeless.

29 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm glad that you are taking responsibility and seeing how you could have contributed to this situation. However, it's important to be able to distinguish responsibility from fault since we tend to see them as one and the same.

Thank you for clarifying here...

I also took fault, i can see how, because if looks don't matter then it's you fault if you don't respond to shit tests well and she looses attraction. Also i was always, as i am today, trying to improve myself so it's natural to take fault in that you can be aware of what you are doing wrong and correct it to improve your life.

But now i can see how i tend to put way too much weight on myself and i find it nice of me that im willing to be gentle with myself and more caring and say: This is completely messed up, she is responsible also.

For example, why did she want to be my GF when she didn't like me in the first place?

It can seem strange to you, but i never asked myself this question ever, since maybe some days ago and it's been 2 year since the breakup. It was all about the gaslight i recieved.

We saw each other other times and again she commented on my looks. Even though we also had great time toghether. Time that i spent tring to win her approval underneath and feeling lonely.

Now, she has forgotten about me and i think about her and this bothers me soo much. But i feel this story is going to end soon now.

Edited August 31, 2020 by arlin

[soos_mite_ah]

2 minutes ago, arlin said:

My mind right now completely is disregarding those ideas. I just don't care anymore. It has been soo much pain. I know sooner or later i have to figure this stuff out but as you said, not focusing on looks but more deep issues that has to be resolved otherwise i would always feel unworthy the way i am.

And that is perfectly ok. You don't have to get everything from the get go. It takes some time to grow into growing. It's where you are right now in your journey. Honor that. It's ok. 

4 minutes ago, arlin said:

Im having an emotional reaction to this, i think i need more people to see my pain and to validate it and to stay close to me. Maybe with support i can fully let go. it's difficult because i have shame around the subject of being attractive and the way she treated me.. if for example i could open up to somebody and that somebody failed to aknowlege the deepness of the pain and disregarding it or even encouraging me to get over it soon, or that it is not a big deal, that would make me feel hopeless.

Validating your pain and reaching out for a healthy support system is an important part of going through the healing process, especially when it comes to abusive situations. I've been there. Anyone who invalidates that pain and tells you to just get over it isn't helping. It's very unempathetic and no one deserves to be kicked when they already feel down. There are empathetic people out there, it's just a matter of finding them. 

You are not weak or egoic for feeling pain. That type of treatment can really cut to the core of someone and really expose them to a plethora of other issues. Your reaction to all of this is perfectly natural and anyone in your shoes would feel that way even if they aren't aware of it. You are also not weak for taking your time with what you're going through. Given the context, it's normal for it to take time. It's not something that you can flip a switch on and nor should that be the expectation. 

11 minutes ago, arlin said:

This is completely messed up, she is responsible also.

For example, why did she want to be my GF when she didn't like me in the first place?

It can seem strange to you, but i never asked myself this question ever, since maybe some days ago and it's been 2 year since the breakup. It was all about the gaslight i recieved.

No something like that isn't strange. It can take a while to come to that type of conclusion especially when gas lighting is involved. And yeah, it's an asshole move to get into a relationship when you don't even like the other person. Sounds like she had her own issues in regards to her own self worth to where she needed someone who likes her to validate her feelings at the cost of her not liking her partner in the first place. It's completely selfish and highly destructive for both of yall. 

17 minutes ago, arlin said:

But i feel this story is going to end soon now.

That on you and your openness to healing at this part of your journey. You can do this. Don't give up on that hope 

[arlin]

6 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Validating your pain and reaching out for a healthy support system is an important part of going through the healing process, especially when it comes to abusive situations. I've been there. Anyone who invalidates that pain and tells you to just get over it isn't helping. It's very unempathetic and no one deserves to be kicked when they already feel down. There are empathetic people out there, it's just a matter of finding them. 

So you have been gone through something  similar. im sorry and  I hope you are doing fine now.

6 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

You are not weak or egoic for feeling pain. That type of treatment can really cut to the core of someone and really expose them to a plethora of other issues. Your reaction to all of this is perfectly natural and anyone in your shoes would feel that way even if they aren't aware of it. You are also not weak for taking your time with what you're going through. Given the context, it's normal for it to take time. It's not something that you can flip a switch on and nor should that be the expectation. 

Thank you very much, this feels good

 

7 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

No something like that isn't strange. It can take a while to come to that type of conclusion especially when gas lighting is involved. And yeah, it's an asshole move to get into a relationship when you don't even like the other person. Sounds like she had her own issues in regards to her own self worth to where she needed someone who likes her to validate her feelings at the cost of her not liking her partner in the first place. It's completely selfish and highly destructive for both of yall. 

Yes she was bullied and had trauble childhood herself...

It took a while to arrive at that conclusion especially because i never heard of a story like this, lol.

But i think she liked my personallity because we joked toghether. And she has shame also and difficulty expressing herself so i feel bad for her. But doing to someone what she did to me is screwed up, even if you like the personallity of someone you should not say those things and at least PLEASE STOP. STOP. When you see i don't know how to react, or why the fuck don't you ask me if it hurts or express any concerns for the way i feel?
 

I also believed it was weak to show my emotions or she would loose interest. But she also did the same thing when she was on the relationship, never asked me how i felt.

10 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

That on you and your openness to healing at this part of your journey. You can do this. Don't give up on that hope 

Thank you for the encouragement.

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, arlin said:

So you have been gone through something  similar. im sorry and  I hope you are doing fine now.

Yeah I'm doing fine now but it took a lot of work to get to where I'm at. I'm still working through issues that have to do with this however the magnitude of those issues are much smaller than they were before so there is improvement. Things do get better. 

2 hours ago, arlin said:

Thank you very much, this feels good

It's ok to take that in. Let feeling good guide you. Because that alerts you to where your needs are and aren't being met. I order to meet needs, you need to be aware of the pain but also validate it so that you go out and get that need instead of beating yourself up for being needy. 

2 hours ago, arlin said:

I also believed it was weak to show my emotions or she would loose interest. But she also did the same thing when she was on the relationship, never asked me how i felt.

You aren't weak for showing your emotions but you can end up in a position where you can get hurt if you express your emotions to someone who isn't receptive to your emotions (or hell even their's) or someone who is willing to to take advantage of that. It's ok to open up and express yourself. With the right people emotional openness is a blessing that strengthens relationships rather than something that can put you at risk. But yeah, not asking how people feel in a relationship is not normal in the slightest.  

[arlin]

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

You aren't weak for showing your emotions but you can end up in a position where you can get hurt if you express your emotions to someone who isn't receptive to your emotions

Yeah this i know very well by now.

 

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm still working through issues that have to do with this however the magnitude of those issues are much smaller than they were before so there is improvement. Things do get better. 

Glad you are in a better place.

 

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

instead of beating yourself up for being needy.

I have aspects of myself which i reject because i believe would get me rejected by others but im now trying to own them and to love them. Im in the right direction.

 

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

But yeah, not asking how people feel in a relationship is not normal in the slightest.  

Thank you for this

[purerogue]

Yes looks are very important, but looks can change drastically from how you present yourself, I am to lazy to look for videos, but if you are interested you should be able to find videos of people changing how they act making person look completely different. Hope this helps. 

[Shunyata]

A bruised ego is ugly as fuck.

Take yourself less seriously and curb your ego. Smile and cherish life, it is a gift given only once. You are a child of joy and wonder.

 

[Karmadhi]

Looks are important and you cannot deny it. BUT they are not essential, they are just a good thing to have if you have it. It is like being born rich compared to making yourself rich through work. That is the best analogy i can use when comparing good looking peeps with guys that build their game. Just dont get dating advice from good looking peeps plz because you ll feel depressed af when you see how little shit they have to do to get girls attracted to them

[arlin]

@Karmadhi you are absolutely correct, thanks. 

[Darlisto]

 

[Axiomatic]

This has been a major issue for me. I have had a bit of a mental block which caused me to stagnate with dating and sexual relationships. 

What helps me is writing down all the times that women who I was attracted to felt the same towards me. All the times I had a woman hit on me or that I had been complimented or acknowledged as good looking. 

I am training my mind to accept that I can attract women who I have a mutual attraction for. It has happened more than once. It can happen again.

 

[arlin]

@Axiomatic good idea. good luck  

[Shunyata]

Don't hesitate to take criticism. It alone has more truth , almost all the time. 

[The0Self]

When I look in the mirror I see the most gorgeous person imaginable, regardless of how subjectively good looking I am to someone else. This comes from self love, but the trick is to view others this way as well

[arlin]

9 hours ago, The0Self said:

When I look in the mirror I see the most gorgeous person imaginable, regardless of how subjectively good looking I am to someone else. This comes from self love, but the trick is to view others this way as well

yes of course but this doesn't guarantee that girls will be attracted to you.

You can love yourself as much as you want but if you don't get pussy, you don't. that's it.

I hate when people enphasize too much this self love or self confidence thing. It's bullshit.

Confidence and self love also comes from the outside. If im always been bullied and rejected by women because of my fucking face, how am i supposed to be confident about it?

[Shunyata]

Your soul chose your life. You chose your looks. But the ego doesn't like its life. Time to let go of the ego! And fix your dissatisfied expression, it is the only thing that makes you ugly. Smile and cherish! Life is a gift given only once.

The mother of hopelessness is vanity. Are you vain, my son?  let go of your vanity and neediness. The ego is true ugliness.

 

[arlin]

@Shunyata be more realistic kid. We live in this world now.

It's not all roses out there. 

But it's ok to shoot high.

[Megan Alecia]

If you envy something that means you're not satisfied with yourself, with a part of you. Therefore it is not wrong to work on yourself instead of blindly looking at what other people have. 

[arlin]

@Megan Alecia Let's take a disable person and give him the same advice, ok?

So i have no legs, and you tell me to go work on myself.

You people are too much in the dream world when it comes to self improvement.

You need to come down to earth. Everybody has limitations and sometimes telling people "You should not be envy, that means something is wrong with you" is counter productive.

Envy is a normal part of life, if nobody became envy at others for having food,money etc.. humanity would have never have grown.

 

[Shunyata]

4 minutes ago, arlin said:

@Megan Alecia Let's take a disable person and give him the same advice, ok?

So i have no legs, and you tell me to go work on myself.

You people are too much in the dream world when it comes to self improvement.

You need to come down to earth. Everybody has limitations and sometimes telling people "You should not be envy, that means something is wrong with you" is counter productive.

Envy is a normal part of life, if nobody became envy at others for having food,money etc.. humanity would have never have grown.

 

even if you have absolute best looks you are still going to get old and ugly

Do we live to be happy? You cannot achieve true happiness in body consciousness.  Only God

Edited November 21, 2020 by Shunyata