Envy good looks

[Espaim]

4 hours ago, Farnaby said:

Are you willing to question the other limiting beliefs? 

OP, if you wanna have a content life, you're not going to escape this. You have many beliefs are causing you to be unhappy. The good news is that you can drop them. The bad news is that you're going to need to do some questioning.

And by questioning I mean you'll need to do some deep shit. Maybe work with a therapist or take low-dosage psychedelics. If you have access to any of those I would recommend you to make use of it. If you don't it would be good to work towards getting them. This isn't something we can solve for you in a forum post.

I feel like that even if you got a girlfriend and got success in the relationships department but didn't work into those issues they're going to haunt you later.

Of course, only do all of this work if you really do have a desire for change and happiness.

Edited August 28, 2020 by Espaim

[Globalcollective]

@arlin Hey man, I use to be in your position. How old are you? When I was younger I was terrible with girls like beyond bad. However back then the only stuff online I could find was RSD and pick up. There is a lot of misleading stuff out now that can really mess with your head. I spent well over 5 years deep in game so have 1000s of hours of experience so I know what its like to suck and it make you very depressed to then getting it handled to then leaving it completely to embark on a spiritual journey to the big E. I even use to coach it back in the day but I forget how much suffering this can be for people so Im up for helping someone out. Where do you live?

First regarding the looks thing, your right to some degree. Looks do help, they get you a "in" and in some cases it can be a very big in where you don't have to put that much effort in however developing your ability to relate to women and embracing your masculinity and sexuality is way more important. Ive got a lot of male model friends and they do not get the best results. I know some pretty unattractive guys who could wipe the floor with them. Also I got to be honest here even if your super attractive it generally dose not make a difference with the super high quality girls you would want to date. 

Anyway, what can you do. 

1. Move to a big city with lots of people. 

2. Learn some basics ways to talk and relate to women and start going out and practising it. Go to bars, do some daygame, join clubs, make new friends , try making new female friends and just get yourself out there. 

3. Start working inwards on why you have hangups with women, why are you not getting sex and relationships. Start to try and see if you can pinpoint the issues. 

4. work on your fashion 

5. find other people on the same journey who can inspire you. 

6. Enjoy it as it will be one of the most fun parts of your life and you will look back with a lot of fond memories. 

7. Look at potentially hiring a dating coach. The fearless man seems pretty good, old rsd.

8. Be very mindful to not get sucked into pua culture, see Leos video on PUA. 

9. Hit the gym, getting bigger just seems to help. 

10. MMA and BJJ are great for overall confidence. 

Like anything this is a skill that can be learned but just do it in a holistic way. The dangers are that PUA and mens dating advice can come with some toxicity and you can become addicted to sex. That happened to me if your approaching women all the time it can mess with your brain the same way porn dose but If your coming from the right place you should be bee to avoid this and get this sorted in a relatively short amount of time. 2 years maybe more all depending on how you take to it. Anyway get of the internet and get your ass out there interacting with women and you'll soon come to see its reality not that big of a deal and its very fun. Then when your ready you'll go back to being celibate, this time voluntary as you'll lear you were chasing your tail and you will go uber spiritual. Or just happily married or whatever. 

[Farnaby]

@arlin also, I'm not implying that there isn't some truth to your beliefs. 

Of course there is. But you're taking them as the ultimate truth and are giving some factors (like physical appearance) way too much importance.

It makes sense because of your experiences, but if you're willing to question them your life can improve a lot. Because right now you're acting from a place of lack, frustration and feeling unworthy and this works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

If you do some deep work and drop these beliefs you will become more confident and have more success attracting girls. 

[Javfly33]

I don´t think you are ugly, but even if you are an ugly dude doing effort will get laid more than an attractive georgeous dude that doesn´t do shit

[arlin]

guys the answers are a lot, let me take some time to process them all

and very interesting

[arlin]

On 28/8/2020 at 5:34 PM, Farnaby said:

Are you willing to question the other limiting beliefs? 

Yes... i just want people to see who i am inside and to for real connections but i fear my appearance is holding me back. I don't want to pick up girls anymore and all of that.

 

On 28/8/2020 at 9:51 PM, Espaim said:

And by questioning I mean you'll need to do some deep shit. Maybe work with a therapist or take low-dosage psychedelics. If you have access to any of those I would recommend you to make use of it. If you don't it would be good to work towards getting them. This isn't something we can solve for you in a forum post.

I don't want to use psychedelics because im only 21 years old. I got an experience of depersonalization months ago and that scared me so i fear my brain would be sensitive to those substances.

On 28/8/2020 at 9:51 PM, Espaim said:

I feel like that even if you got a girlfriend and got success in the relationships department but didn't work into those issues they're going to haunt you later.

In fact, i did get a GF after the first. It was my 2 girlfriend and things were going well but i didn't love her so it couldn't work out.

@Globalcollective  Hi im 21 years old and i live in italy.

On 28/8/2020 at 10:27 PM, Globalcollective said:

your ability to relate to women and embracing your masculinity and sexuality is way more important. Ive got a lot of male model friends and they do not get the best results. I know some pretty unattractive guys who could wipe the floor with them.

I also do think those qualities are important but i think right now i want to focus on embracing my uniques and finding people who appreciate it and whom i can form connections... 

 

Also it bothers me the term "unattractive". I used to feel that even if i got with a girl, im unattractive so it's something important that is missing that she deep down wants and i can't give her that so i can not have a satisfying relationship.

Also i compare myself to other guys but who wouldn't? It bothers me that people compare people and i do this too. It's like, we live in a competition world. Who is most "cool" or "attractive". Who is the most lucky to be with that person, etc etc....

On 28/8/2020 at 10:32 PM, Farnaby said:

It makes sense because of your experiences, but if you're willing to question them your life can improve a lot. Because right now you're acting from a place of lack, frustration and feeling unworthy and this works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

If you do some deep work and drop these beliefs you will become more confident and have more success attracting girls. 

I don't want to be able to attract girls per se. I just don't want to feel rejected or unworthy. Or because im unattractive something in me is missing... like im not the whole package. I don't want people to have pity for me. 

I want to be able to form connections and to have people really come towards me, be interested in me. 

I used to fxate on sex because well, this is the most that people can come towards you right? If they are attracted. Especially girls, and also being seen with a lot of girls for me, i would have felt safe, like i had value in the world. And in other peoples eyes. 

But i completely let go of that and i don't want it anymore. Also, i know it came from insecurity. But i still want people to come towards me and to appreciate me. And to form connections. Who would not want that? I was alone for soo long, still don't have real friends and im very closed off.

And i envy good looking guys because they can express themselves and be admired, if an unattractive guy would be to be himself, even if he is unique, i fear people will not appreciate me entirely like the good looking guy.

This bothers, me, it's unfair.

[Farnaby]

5 minutes ago, arlin said:

I want to be able to form connections and to have people really come towards me, be interested in me. 

What would you say is the number 1 thing preventing this from happening. 

I can assure you it's not your looks. 

 

[arlin]

@Farnaby I have a huge nose and yes im insecure about the way i look.

So this is the number 1 thing for me... maybe there is something else im not seeing, im not completely disregarding this.

 

im not attractive. But i would be happy if i could make friends that accept me for who i am and people who appreciated me.

Unfortunately, it bothers me soo much that people rate others in terms of "value" and by not being attractive it means i don't have value. 

This is what i used to believe, i want to change that. As soon as possible, or find a way out. Otherwise i will live a miserable life i regret.

[Globalcollective]

1 hour ago, arlin said:

 

@Globalcollective  Hi im 21 years old and i live in italy.

I also do think those qualities are important but i think right now i want to focus on embracing my uniques and finding people who appreciate it and whom i can form connections... 

 

Also it bothers me the term "unattractive". I used to feel that even if i got with a girl, im unattractive so it's something important that is missing that she deep down wants and i can't give her that so i can not have a satisfying relationship.

Also i compare myself to other guys but who wouldn't? It bothers me that people compare people and i do this too. It's like, we live in a competition world. Who is most "cool" or "attractive". Who is the most lucky to be with that person, etc etc....

I

Ok so the first you you should be doing is working on fixing these beliefs. I only used the term "unattractive' to illustrate the point you don't need to be good looking. A high quality women would much prefer a deeply connected and grounded man with purpose and vision. Which is hopefully what you are aiming to become ? 

Why are you doing this to yourself? There is a solution to your problems. Go out, socialised and learn how to relate to people and women whilst fixing your inner game. 

I feel the fact that people now go online more than they go out has caused a huge misconception on how people interact with each other. 

Please tell me what are you waiting for?? 

If you don't want to take action then fine that's cool but if you suffer because of this don't complain about it as you are essentially lying on your own bed of nails. 

[Farnaby]

@arlin do you notice how all these thoughts about what other people think of you are a projection of what you think of yourself? 

You say it bothers you that people judge the value of a person based on looks. That is exactly what you're doing with yourself so of course you will think other people do it too. 

And to a certain degree they may be doing it, I agree with you. But most of it is your own internal dialogue being projected outwards and you believing it comes from other people.

How would your life look if you didn't believe these thoughts about your nose and so on? What would you do? How would you feel? 

You can even go deeper than this and inspect who you really are. Are you a guy with an ugly nose? Or is that also just a thought? What is left when you put everything you think about the world and yourself aside for a moment? What remains?

[arlin]

1 hour ago, Globalcollective said:

A high quality women would much prefer a deeply connected and grounded man with purpose and vision. Which is hopefully what you are aiming to become ? 

Yes, of course, this is it.

1 hour ago, Globalcollective said:

I feel the fact that people now go online more than they go out has caused a huge misconception on how people interact with each other. 

Yes this bothers me also... Everybody hooks up online, i write to girls on instagram but i don't get responses. Maybe this fuels the beliefs i have.

 

1 hour ago, Globalcollective said:

If you don't want to take action then fine that's cool but if you suffer because of this don't complain about it as you are essentially lying on your own bed of nails. 

You are completely right here. I have nothing to say about this. I think part of it is that i want my people to validate my suffering. I definetly need to open up to somebody to express how i feel and why i feel this way and find relief.

59 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

do you notice how all these thoughts about what other people think of you are a projection of what you think of yourself? 

This is really interesting...

59 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

You say it bothers you that people judge the value of a person based on looks. That is exactly what you're doing with yourself so of course you will think other people do it too. 

And to a certain degree they may be doing it, I agree with you. But most of it is your own internal dialogue being projected outwards and you believing it comes from other people.

Yeah... this gives me an interesting perspective. You are definetly opening my mind here.

1 hour ago, Farnaby said:

How would your life look if you didn't believe these thoughts about your nose and so on? What would you do? How would you feel? 

This is such an interesting question yet i never ever asked it or thought about it...

I would feel that when i speak people listen, that i make everybody lough and just have a good time.

I would feel relief everytime i go out instead of freezing. I would feel like i can express myself freely...

I would feel that when girls look at me i would feel like i have a place in the world, like i am somebody.And this is really important to me... 

My belief was that this was not possible couse of my looks.

[nistake]

Good-looking guys may have it easier in some cases, but it doesn't really matter. I know a guy who's not exactly that good looking but has a really strong "game" and pulled countless chicks just because he's confident and dares to make a move every single time.

Let's say looks do matter and you're not good-looking (which is just a limiting belief). What are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna keep watching good-looking guys get with girls on the sidelines and be angry with them? Where does that lead?

Playing a victim doesn't really help. If you want it bad enough, you're gonna get it. Forget about looks.

Edited August 31, 2020 by nistake

[arlin]

3 minutes ago, nistake said:

I know a guy who's not exactly that good looking but has a really strong "game" and pulled countless chicks just because he's confident and dares to make a move every single time.

Yes but he is not ugly. And what does not exactly that good looking mean? Lol.

[nistake]

@arlin You're missing the point.

[Farnaby]

@arlin opening your mind to the possibility that your beliefs could be false is a big step. 

When I say false, I don't mean to say that you're dumb and are making things up. You probably had experiences that led to these beliefs about attraction, ugliness and so on. If you get rejected and a girl explicitly tells you she finds you physically unattractive, it's completely natural to feel bad and believe her. 

However, she's just one person, so be open to the idea that her perspective is not an absolute truth. 

Also, consider the possibility that your beliefs are trying to protect you from feeling hurt again. Yeah, sitting at home envying guys who get laid sucks, but in a sense it's safer than allowing yourself to trust girls and get hurt again. So don't judge yourself for these thoughts, just acknowledge them and try to observe them without identifying with them.

You can't be your thoughts because they are always changing. Or did you believe you were ugly when you were born? 

You say you would feel relieved and be able to express yourself freely if you didn't have these thoughts. You can actually let go of them, but "something" is creating resistance to letting go. From a psychological POV that's usually due to fear and conditioning because of painful experiences. 

You could consider therapy to process those painful experiences. 

[Globalcollective]

2 hours ago, arlin said:

Yes, of course, this is it.

Yes this bothers me also... Everybody hooks up online, i write to girls on instagram but i don't get responses. Maybe this fuels the beliefs i have.

 

You are completely right here. I have nothing to say about this. I think part of it is that i want my people to validate my suffering. I definetly need to open up to somebody to express how i feel and why i feel this way and find relief.

 

Yeah well I'm not going to validate it because deep down I know full well you don't want to suffer anymore in this area. The fact of the matter is you could learn how to get girls if you want and the choice is yours. so from here on in I would only post questions now related to helping you in that area. Ive seen this first hand, 100s of guys who sucked put in the effort and eventually got meaningful relationships. I coached some of them. Sorry to be harsh with you but I really think its the only way to get through to you. If you lived in the UK id happily sort you out myself lol 

There was of course the ones who did nothing and complained and ended up lonely or depressed. Its interesting about your Instagram point. I guess thats the problem with your generation, you have grown up with the rise of toxic social media and its wrapped your perception. Put it this way if you learned game and you approached her in real life it would be a different story. 

Regarding your hangup about looks, its probably coming from a deep trauma within you. Doing some inner work and psychotherapy will be good for you. Also some self love pratices. 

Obviously this isn't the best time to be going out meeting women so the best thing to do would be to use this time wisely and study some game material, do as much inner work as you can and when Covid starts to clear get your ass out there and change this once and for all

[soos_mite_ah]

5 hours ago, arlin said:

Yes... i just want people to see who i am inside and to for real connections but i fear my appearance is holding me back. I don't want to pick up girls anymore and all of that.

In fact, i did get a GF after the first. It was my 2 girlfriend and things were going well but i didn't love her so it couldn't work out.

I also do think those qualities are important but i think right now i want to focus on embracing my uniques and finding people who appreciate it and whom i can form connections... 

 

Also it bothers me the term "unattractive". I used to feel that even if i got with a girl, im unattractive so it's something important that is missing that she deep down wants and i can't give her that so i can not have a satisfying relationship.

Also i compare myself to other guys but who wouldn't? It bothers me that people compare people and i do this too. It's like, we live in a competition world. Who is most "cool" or "attractive". Who is the most lucky to be with that person, etc etc....

I don't want to be able to attract girls per se. I just don't want to feel rejected or unworthy. Or because im unattractive something in me is missing... like im not the whole package. I don't want people to have pity for me. 

I want to be able to form connections and to have people really come towards me, be interested in me. 

I used to fxate on sex because well, this is the most that people can come towards you right? If they are attracted. Especially girls, and also being seen with a lot of girls for me, i would have felt safe, like i had value in the world. And in other peoples eyes. 

But i completely let go of that and i don't want it anymore. Also, i know it came from insecurity. But i still want people to come towards me and to appreciate me. And to form connections. Who would not want that? I was alone for soo long, still don't have real friends and im very closed off.

And i envy good looking guys because they can express themselves and be admired, if an unattractive guy would be to be himself, even if he is unique, i fear people will not appreciate me entirely like the good looking guy.

This bothers, me, it's unfair.

Yeah this seems like a big limiting belief. I'm glad that you recognize that you don't want to able to attract girls and you know that your fixation on sex is because it is rooted in insecurity. There is this notion that you will be liked more if you were "attractive" (which is really subjective) and you will be able to connect with other's if you aren't ugly. Even if you suddenly turn into the most attractive guy in your area, you will still feel this way. Even after having a girl friend, which means you are capable of connection, from what I understand is that it still didn't satiate your needs for feeling beautiful and therefore worthy of love and connection (because or else you wouldn't be here on this forum). 

Doing things to attract more girls and more sex is going to do nothing except cover up the issue so you can avoid it and not face it head on. It's a distraction from the actual work. The real issue is that you need to understand that you are worthy of connection regardless of looks, therefore transcending you envy in the first place.

I can't say where to go from here because solutions are often very individualized but something I would try are affirmations. Yes, it's going to be silly and even unnatural at first but have a list of statements you repeat to yourself every single day (like "you're handsome etc."). You have been programmed with the belief that you are ugly because your ex affirmed that belief in you, not because it is actually true. It doesn't have to be true for you to align with that notion. Similarly, even if you think you aren't handsome, that doesn't have to be true for you to affirm that to yourself and get rid of that insecurity. Luckily what has been programmed can be deprogrammed. 

Another thing I would say to try is therapy if you can afford it. I think there is a lot of things going on apart from your looks. That last relationship made you feel unworthy of connecting with people and made love feel like this conditional thing. Those conditions can be anything depending on what the toxic person has decided and in your case that condition was your looks. I had something similar happen to me and for me my condition was being smart enough. Work this out with a professional. You had a difficult relationship in the past and it's going to be really hard to get over it if you don't do that introspection (either alone or with a professional). It's a festering wound that won't be filled even if everyone likes you and wants to connect with you because you haven't integrated that belief with yourself. 

[arlin]

2 hours ago, Farnaby said:

You probably had experiences that led to these beliefs about attraction, ugliness and so on.

The fact that you are validating my feelings brings me relief. and this is what i need.

 

2 hours ago, Farnaby said:

If you get rejected and a girl explicitly tells you she finds you physically unattractive, it's completely natural to feel bad and believe her. 

Thanks 

2 hours ago, Farnaby said:

Also, consider the possibility that your beliefs are trying to protect you from feeling hurt again.

Yes for sure. For sure i consider that.

2 hours ago, Farnaby said:

You say you would feel relieved and be able to express yourself freely if you didn't have these thoughts. You can actually let go of them, but "something" is creating resistance to letting go. From a psychological POV that's usually due to fear and conditioning because of painful experiences. 

You could consider therapy to process those painful experiences. 

Now, i say that i had a difficult childhood and i have shame about expressing my feelings and being vulnerable with somebody. Now, i worked on it and man, i did a really good job now my heart is more open and i processed some heavy heavy stuff by my own. I fear the most that i would be rejected if i "exposed" myself, in fact my terrible social anxiaty i understood in my journey really came down to shame and fear of abandonement. It's insane.

I am considering therapy in fact, now it's time to surround myself with people who can help me and that in and on itself for me is a huge step because i didn't let anybody in... and i believed i didn't need help. 

1 hour ago, Globalcollective said:

Its interesting about your Instagram point. I guess thats the problem with your generation, you have grown up with the rise of toxic social media and its wrapped your perception.

Yes, this is huge for me.

 

1 hour ago, Globalcollective said:

Regarding your hangup about looks, its probably coming from a deep trauma within you. Doing some inner work and psychotherapy will be good for you. Also some self love pratices. 

I was pubblicly shamed in the sense that girls loughed at me when i approached them in groups. But most important, my first girlfriend which i loved (i suffer from shame and abandonment traume so hear this.) she samed me for the way i look. She told me everything under the sun that if i had to tell you, you would genuinely feel bad about me. I think this is a huge trauma but im processing it and letting it go more.

 

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

The real issue is that you need to understand that you are worthy of connection regardless of looks, therefore transcending you envy in the first place.

This is huge. HUGE.  Because as i say above, i suffered from trauma right? I was lonely all my life, i have trauble being vulnerable, letting people in, and shame as the base of my personallity basically. I have shame for every emotion under the sun. Grief, fear, exitement (yes, even positive ones). Only now im working with it.

My first girlfriend shamed me for how i look so you can understand the level of suffering when you don't open up to anyone, she is the first and she tells you those things. She told me i was ugly constantly, she told me "i don't want to have sex with you because you are ugly as fuck." (worthy of connection,right?)

she told me " No girls want to be pretty for you, because you are ugly". She told me " It's a shame to go out with you because you are ugly".

She told me "Why don't i have a boyfriend with the same personallity, but good looking?"

And so much more...

You see my point here. It's difficult not to believe her. So how can i love and be loved if i have this flaw?

 I believed i took all the responsability of the breakup myself (because it's always something wrong with me, right?) and basically failed to see that maybe if she could have been gentle with me and not harsh, stay friends and genuinely care, this would have been much less of an impact on me. 

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Another thing I would say to try is therapy if you can afford it. I think there is a lot of things going on apart from your looks. That last relationship made you feel unworthy of connecting with people and made love feel like this conditional thing. Those conditions can be anything depending on what the toxic person has decided and in your case that condition was your looks.

You are totally understanding me and this is making me feel so relieved.

 

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

You had a difficult relationship in the past and it's going to be really hard to get over it if you don't do that introspection (either alone or with a professional). It's a festering wound that won't be filled even if everyone likes you and wants to connect with you because you haven't integrated that belief with yourself. 

I think you are totally right here.... Im loving your help because i feel you can relate to this. You are right about working with a professional in fact i am already considering this. But, the fact that i was so resistant to it, it's because of gaslighting. 

Let me explain, i was already insecure especially of my looks and as i said i was rejected by my ex and had other experiences. But everybody says that looks don't matter particularly pickup community, now i don't want to debate about this but when everyone says that your reality is wrong, i basically could not process the emotions and i hold on to them for months god damn it. Even my "best friend" who is into pickup, said that looks don't matter and it my ex was saying this because it was all a shit test (could be partially, don't know). Fact is, i lived in the middle of 2 worlds and nobody actually aknowledged my pain. It wasn't only short time ago, i decided looks it's the only thing that matters for attraction and then i was finally able to grieve the loss of my hope to be attractive and actually find ways i can be accepted and approved in spite of that. Hope you understood  

Edited August 31, 2020 by arlin

[Roy]

You are good looking to me mate!

[soos_mite_ah]

4 minutes ago, arlin said:

This is huge. HUGE.  Because as i say above, i suffered from trauma right? I was lonely all my life, i have trauble being vulnerable, letting people in, and shame as the base of my personallity basically. I have shame for every emotion under the sun. Grief, fear, exitement (yes, even positive ones). Only now im working with it.

My first girlfriend shamed me for how i look so you can understand the level of suffering when you don't open up to anyone, she is the first and she tells you those things. She told me i was ugly constantly, she told me "i don't want to have sex with you because you are ugly as fuck." (worthy of connection,right?)

she told me " No girls want to be pretty for you, because you are ugly". She told me " It's a shame to go out with you because you are ugly".

She told me "Why don't i have a boyfriend with the same personallity, but good looking?"

And so much more...

You see my point here. It's difficult not to believe her. So how can i love and be loved if i have this flaw?

I think you are totally right here.... Im loving your help because i feel you can relate to this. You are right about working with a professional in fact i am already considering this. But, the fact that i was so resistant to it, it's because of gaslighting. 

Let me explain, i was already insecure especially of my looks and as i said i was rejected by my ex and had other experiences. But everybody says that looks don't matter particularly pickup community, now i don't want to debate about this but when everyone says that your reality is wrong, i basically could not process the emotions and i hold on to them for months god damn it. Even my "best friend" who is into pickup, said that looks don't matter and it my ex was saying this because it was all a shit test (could be partially, don't know). Fact is, i lived in the middle of 2 worlds and nobody actually aknowledged my pain. It wasn't only short time ago, i decided looks it's the only thing that matters for attraction and then i was finally able to grieve the loss of my hope to be attractive and actually find ways i can be accepted and approve in spite of that. Hope you understood  

When it comes to your first relationships, or first anything for that matter, it's easy to be impressionable in those situations since you don't have that many experiences to compare it to. Because you don't have many prior experiences, you're rolling with the punches and don't always know how to handle things. Especially if that first experience is bad, it is difficult to let go. Don't underestimate that. It's ok to be resistant. It's ok to take time to figure this stuff out. You can acknowledge that pain and the tumultuous road to recovery without turning it into a limiting belief/ victim mentality where you just give up because it's too hard. It's hard but it's important to accept that it's hard so you can keep going. 

If you have prior experiences with feeling lonely and unlovable, you're more likely to fall into situations that reaffirm that and magnify it. From what i understand, you had this issue, your ex put a magnifying glass on it and made it worse, and you didn't get out in the first red flag and stuck around for multiple instances where she treated you badly because you had this belief about yourself in the back of your mind. If you never had that belief that could be affirmed in the first place, you probably would have gotten out earlier because the whole situation would seem absurd to you. Sometimes we stick around in situations that makes us feel bad because it reaffirms how badly we feel about ourselves. Which also goes back to how getting with a ton of girls and becoming likable won't solve anything. Even if you attract everyone, if you have that core belief, you will still gravitate towards unhealthy situations and choose them over everyone else. All of this is subconscious of course.  Fix that core belief first and then focus on things like appearance and what not. If you focus on appearances beforehand, it will already reaffirm what you feel about yourself and that is the notion that you aren't worthy just the way you are. 

Also looks do matter, I'm not going to sugar coat that. I will be honest and say that looks wise that I have a specific type. But my "type" often looks ugly to some of my friends who have a completely different "type." But the key is understanding looks matter but not making it into a limiting belief which given what you, given have gone through, need to focus on. Looks matter but it isn't something that is standardized.  Looks matter when it comes to personal preferences but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because there are so many different types of preferences that you're bound to be attractive in a lot of peoples eyes regardless of what you look like or what you think you look like. It's perfectly understandable that you have this belief that looks matter but I would critique that belief more without beating yourself up about it. I can see how constantly being told that looks don't matter feels like an invalidation of your perceived reality the trauma that you went through. And pushing down that experiences and not letting yourself feel will create more resistance and can cause you to dig your heels in more. What you went through is horrible and it's ok to recognize it, limiting beliefs and all. Only then can you heal. 

15 minutes ago, arlin said:

I believed i took all the responsability of the breakup myself (because it's always something wrong with me, right?) and basically failed to see that maybe if she could have been gentle with me and not harsh, stay friends and genuinely care, this would have been much less of an impact on me. 

I'm glad that you are taking responsibility and seeing how you could have contributed to this situation. However, it's important to be able to distinguish responsibility from fault since we tend to see them as one and the same. Responsibility is your ability to respond. Beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault is the opposite of responsibility, it's victim mentality. Beating yourself up won't help you respond to the situation. Creating narratives of self loathing won't heal you from being hurt. Responsibility and knowing how to respond accordingly is about taking the power back so you can create agency for yourself to create change. It's the gateway to empowerment, not something that will beat you down. Fault on the other hand points fingers and is rooted in ego, even if you point the finger and blame yourself. I would recommend keeping this in mind because seeing responsibility as a way of putting the blame on yourself is the number one thing that deters people from wanting actually take responsibility and feel better.  I don't think that this is what you're doing. I'm just saying this to keep in mind about it in the future since it's an easy trap a lot of people, myself included, fall into.