How do I help my girlfriends depression

[infinitenrgy]

So I'm 19 and I have only been in two different relationships. This is because I met the girl I am with now since I was in 7th grade (She was a year below me). We were just friends probably the first year of knowing each other before we ended up "dating". She has always had a hard life, I remember walking to her house from my friends house around this time and she lived in a four bedroom house with her grandmother, four brothers, two sisters, and her uncle and his son (both adults paying no bills).

After awhile of being on again off again being kids, I'd say around 9th grade, we got in a more serious relationship (no games being played, no talking to other people, etc.) This was a fun time, I was working a lot after school and on the weekends and I was able to get dropped off at her house after work to see her a lot more then my mom would drive me (since my mom always had to go both ways she never had a ride).

More backstory on her before I move on because it gets a bit ridiculous, her mom and dad have always been in and out of her life, her dad was a drug addict and her mom was an alcoholic and they would always do good together till they fucked up together. They have been broken up as long as I have known her now, her dad is remarried with a very successful (and narcissistic) women.

Her grandmother has always taken care of her and all her siblings (a few siblings living elsewhere). Her grandmother was old and sick though, eventually she died in 2017. Then less then a year later her step sister attempted suicide, was in the hospital for a month and then died. This stuff was obviously very hard for her and I made sure to do the best I could to help her every step of the way. When her grandmother died her dad and stepmom showed up to take them all to live with them in PA. Anyone could have guessed it wasn’t going to last, bringing in six kids and they already had two of their own. Eventually her stepmom got to a point where she was so mad at her dad that she kicked him and all his kids out.

This meant they all had to find different places to go so they didn’t end up in the system, which also meant she was coming to live with me around the middle of 2018. I have too admit this terrified me at first. I had three brothers and a dysfunctional mom and step dad at the time who always had money problems. This was when I was in 12th grade, just started doing co - op at school which meant I worked for an electrical company for two weeks and went to school for two weeks all year. I was always a saver, bought myself my first car at 16 knowing nobody was gonna do it for me. I am an apprentice now for the same residential electric company making 15$ an hour and going into my 3rd year of school this year for that (I got to skip the first year because I took it in high school).

So anyway, I was terrified of her moving in just because we are so young and that's such a big step for a relationship, it's not like we had an extra bedroom for her either. I hated her being there for awhile, but eventually I got over it and made the most out of it. She got a job at a restaurant down the street from my house shortly after moving in, bought her own car and is still working there today. We have gotten really close and I am definitely in love with her, she is my best friend no doubt.

Around about a year of her living with me, her mom passed away from drinking too much after taking pain medication. Her mom was getting her life together and building a good relationship with her awhile before this, when she got hit by a car (this is why she fell back down again). So this hit rose hard, I think it's been over a year now and I don't think she has made much progress with how she feels about it. She has always had depression issues and I always accepted that about her because of her life and what she's been through. We don't really argue much, and when we have it was usually from me saying the wrong thing.

I got into personal development around the middle of 12th grade, just reading books and making budgets and listening to Dave Ramsey thinking I was the shit, but still my goal was always just to better myself. Because of this eventually I found Leo. Leo was literally a gold mine in my eyes, exactly who I was looking for. This also lead me into the trap of binging all his content (which had lots of benefits too) and then projecting everything I learned onto other people. So when she would get upset about something, eventually I started spouting things at her that Leo said, that I thought might help. This always turned her being upset into her being mad at me and threatening to end the relationship because I wasn't giving her the love she needed and being a dick about her problems.

About two months ago I had an LSD trip (yes I do them safely) where I learned a lot about happiness and love. I basically taught myself what happiness really is, and that if I want to truly be loving I have to love everyone regardless of who they are or how I feel about them. I had the phrase "love everyone" come up in my mind all day for about two weeks after that. This helped me to see through my ego a bit the next time we argued and I realized what I was doing wrong and decided that no matter how many times she tells me I need to give her more love, to just accept it and do it. I believe this has ended the cycle of arguing, but not her being upset.

Now she seems to be getting worse with her depression. She isn't like this all the time, we actually talk about it together like it’s a state that she gets to. But if you asked her when she's in this "state" she would say she's in it all the time and it is still there whenever she is feeling good (like laughing with me hanging out or having a good day at work). She says she has a huge struggle to get herself to do anything at all even though she hardly misses a day at work, she's about to start college this year and she does meal prep with me every Sunday.

She doesn't seem to be interested in personal development, when I talk about her doing something like reading a book I think would help her or watching Leo she'll say, "I'm trying but you know this is really hard for me" or "I am doing it but I can't stay consistent because of my depression". She has done a couple things towards it like taking notes about habits and motivation, but not much towards putting it into action. We both vape, I quit about 6 months ago for 4 months and then I backslid a lot when my mom and stepdad split up. I also smoke weed a good bit, but she will only smoke before bed some nights. She's into spiritual stuff, she will meditate with me if I do it when she's around, but wont bring it up on her own, she understands a lot of what I talk about with her but doesn't see the practicality of it even though I've explained countless times how so much of it has helped me and my own mental space.

We still live at my moms house with my brothers, trying to get through the hard parts of live to eventually buy a house. This state she gets into can last for a week or two sometimes, her happier states being much shorter. School just started and she's already super overwhelmed with it and wants to quit, she goes back and forth on her happiness with her job, the love I give her is now shunned at times when she is feeling worse. She describes her head space as something that nothing can help, and as time goes on less and less things seem to help (even me). She can't control it, she feels so anxious that her thoughts are racing. She has been to therapy a few times before when she was younger and she says that it is not for her, she hates the idea of it. It seems to me like this anxiety stops her from pushing forward so many of her ambitious goals and causes so much fear.

She hates driving long distances because of it, she spent her last year of high school doing it online because she was so anxious there everyday, I don’t even think she would keep the room clean at all if I didn't expect her to keep it  certain way (clean freak). Anyway I guess my question is what should I do? The last thing I want to hear is to break up with her for my own sake or something like that…. I really want her to get through this, she is a great person and when she is not in this negative state she is my favorite person to be around. She say's her thoughts are so negative she wont even share a lot of them out loud and tells me she wants to die frequently when she's in this state. I don't believe she takes it serious enough to actually try something, but I'm scared that’s where it is heading.

Edited August 25, 2020 by infinitenrgy

[Space]

@infinitenrgy Please consider using paragraphs in your posts and breaking the text up. This is not easy to read.

[infinitenrgy]

There you go, Sorry it was my first post and i just had to get it out 

 

[Moon]

Ultimately, only she can help herself, you can be supportive through the hard times but it'd be very hard to try fix things yourself.

She says therapy isn't for her, but there will definitely be therapists that her right for her, she just hasn't found the right one yet! I'd say encourage her about this

There are definitely many resources, techniques and things online to help, but she's been through so much, starting with a therapist seems the best way to start! 

You're doing great! Keep it up and be encouraging and supporting when you can.

Also, check in on yourself regularly too as the negative energy and mindset may perhaps be rubbing off on you and affecting your life

Hope everything works out in the end! ?

 

[Elise]

Hi Infinite. Thanks for editing your post to make it more readable.

Yours is certainly a tough situation to be in. Depression is such a common struggle nowadays and so is being with a depressed partner, the difficulty of which is often undermined. You seem like a compassionate person and it's very sweet that you're spending so much energy to help your girlfriend, even when she's not making it easy for you.

You seem very aware of how truly a life debilitating and ruining chronic depression can be, so it's indeed something to be taken seriously. Personally I believe it to be a curable based on the success stories that exist, but it is so entirely dependent on the person and their willingness to believe in themselves. There seem to be no step-by-step guides that work for everyone, and in fact insisting on any "simple solution" will probably just lead to alienating  and depressing your girlfriend further. I'm sure you've heard that it's impossible to help a person who isn't willing to be helped or help themselves. This is unfortunately usually the case with depression.

It's really tough to say how much of her mental states are exasperated by hormones, since you are both young. It's possible that she will outgrow some of the emotional problems she is having now with time. By the sound of what you're saying the trend seems unfortunately downward though. As a side note, if she is on hormonal birth control, she needs to quit it. This could very likely be the entire cause of her emotional turmoil. I can attest to that personally as someone who's entire personality was skewed from the pill years back. I went from crying literally everyday, to someone who cried rather rarely.

You said you've binged all of Leo's content, so I wont make any recommendations there. I'm glad you've realized that projecting what you've privately learnt is an unlikely way of helping your girlfriend, who seems to be more in need of a shoulder than practical advice. It can be tough to find the right words when her fears and sadness feel irrational or unnecessary. Unfortunately she will always have to come to those kinds of conclusions herself. Whatever it is that she needs to realize about her situation, will likely take years. If you want to stick by her, that's something you'll have to acknowledge and be prepared for. It's also why many people would probably advise you to leave, because sadly there are no guarantees that she will grow out of it, or that if she does, it will happen before your determination for the relationship ends.

As for what you can actually do as an attempt to help her...

- Try to observe the differences in her mental states and habits. What things trigger her depressive episodes, what habits alleviate them, etc. Even if it's just little things here and there, maybe it will help you navigate your days with her better. You can never go wrong with healthy habits like good sleep, clean diet and exercise.

- Is your girlfriend open to trying psychedelics with you? If so, that's something you could look into together, barring she has a medical condition that prevents it or if you believe her mental state is so unstable that it could trigger something even more serious. I'm not an expert on this subject, but I know some people that have cured their mental illnesses via a positive trip. However, please tread cautiously and take precautions as there are also some real risks to this stuff that aren't always brought up in these kinds of forums or circles.

- You mentioned that your girlfriend is spiritual. You said she only meditates when you prompt it, but it's still a hugely positive opportunity. Both for her personally as well as for the two of you to bond over. Then again, you said she often struggles to find practical applications for it. So is she more of a practical person or spiritual person? Try to appeal to her personal strengths and preferences and gently nudge her in those directions.

- If she is withholding things from you, like the feelings she believes are too dark to bring to light, make sure she feels safe and unconditionally loved with you. If you have responded to her feelings in a dismissive or invalidating way in the past, it can take time to reassure her in the opposite direction. You will need to be boyfriend of the year with the patience of a saint to pull it off, but it's possible. At the same time, you don't want to be too needy, demanding or co-dependent, because that can make her withdraw and feel like she can never give you enough or that she's undeserving of you. It's another potential tightrope for you to walk on.

As a parting note, remember to take care of yourself, even if it means mentally distancing yourself on occasion in order to avoid being pulled down by her depression. You won't be able to help her if you end up depressed together and it can easily happen if she ever guilts you for feeling happy when she's unable to. It's respectable that you want to work through things with her instead of cutting her loose for your own sake, but you should be aware that sometimes separation can work as a catalyst for self-growth for the left party. That's not guaranteed either though, and I can understand not wanting to feel responsible for possibly making her depression even worse, or encouraging her already existing suicidal thoughts. Regardless, keep yourself reminded that you're not personally responsible for her emotions. I know it's not always easy.

Good luck.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Elise

[infinitenrgy]

@Elise Thank you so much. Everything you said was just what I needed to hear, you're awesome. I have watched a lot of Leos content but not everything, what would you suggest?

Edited August 26, 2020 by infinitenrgy

[diamondpenguin]

Tell her to take some deep breaths and look at the trees. Turn on some peaceful music. 

[Elise]

On 8/25/2020 at 5:31 PM, infinitenrgy said:

@Elise Thank you so much. Everything you said was just what I needed to hear, you're awesome. I have watched a lot of Leos content but not everything, what would you suggest?

I'm glad to hear it hit the spot.

On second thought, I'm not so sure. In general I believe it'd be best for you to focus on how you can be your best self and the best partner in general. Practice compassion and patience and those things will positively influence your relationship as well. So if you are keen on watching videos, I suggest ones that are about things you can change about yourself, rather than watching them on behalf of your girlfriend in hopes that you can pass those teachings on later. It wont work unless she is receptive enough, and if she was, she'd probably be watching those videos herself anyway. So that kind of a thing might only push her further away from you.

Being a good companion is always a good trait to possess, as well as emotional intelligence, so those sorts of lessons will never go to waste. So perhaps search for material on those and be purposeful in your practice and self-growth. It'll probably be harder than it might seem right now, because it's tough to change our wiring in those areas. No matter how much you love her, or perhaps exactly because you do, you will feel frustrated a lot. It'll take a lot of maturity to deal with that in a constructive way.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Elise

[infinitenrgy]

@Elise Yes i totally meant videos that will help me learn how to change myself to be better for this situation and I totally get what you mean about her being receptive enough. I was so confused for awhile when I first found Leo, why she wasn't just as interested in it as me. It took very hard work to point out to myself my own insecurities (Stuff like feeling the need to prove to her I'm on a good path by always projecting everything I'm learning and expecting her to be able to keep up. Another I noticed was how often I took her feeling bad so personal as if It means I'm not good enough) that I had to change if i wanted to stop the arguing. 

So that being said I'm doing a lot better with just being compassionate (I know there is still more growth to be had) and not arguing with her even when she starts cussing me out for something silly I did, i notice a lot quicker now that it's really not me she's mad at and as long as I stay calm and don't worry, the storm will pass easier and faster.

I think the hardest parts for me right now are keeping my own mental in order and not letting her drain my energy. Also it is still very hard to cope with the fact that we are on two different levels in a way. This is what cause's most of my frustration and I'm not sure why exactly. It's tricky and i feel a lot more of a separation from her that leaves me feeling a bit lonely at times. I think something I really lack is self love, since you wrote me the first response that's what I have been thinking a lot about.

Thank you so much again for all your advice, you have no idea how much you've cleared up for me already 

[hamedsf]

I'm afraid to tell you that she will transfer her depression energy into you via sex. if she's not trying to change herself, talk about the breakup

[RoseBand]

The situation is very complicated, I would even say critical. Your girl urgently needs to be rescued. After all, everything can end badly. There are centers, psychologists, which perfectly pull people out of depression. I understand that she is against, but you are there to convince her. And what about drugs for depression. With strong attacks - it's just necessary.