The 'm' Word!

[Navyissuedwife]

Turns out Leo is right, marriage is surely a bunch of chimpery..

I am 23 years young, a young wife and a young mother. My whole life I have been convinced by society that as a lady you must marry and you must submit to a marriage. Now, I've only recently been more aware of myself and my own behaviors that I am now realizing, that not only is my husband all wrong for me but he may not even be able to grasp some of these basic life lessons and concepts. I think to myself, wtf is marriage really......and then I realize, damn, I really put myself in my own trap. I married too young and too fast to even realize who I was with, I mean I'm still realizing who I am and what I want. This person I married, at first, didn't show red flags necessarily but, right after bootcamp, he's pure chimpery......PURE CHIMPERY. Like, the Navy does their job well..because now I have a possessive, obsessive, controlling, clingy, vapid husband. I feel like he can't really get on my level of thinking, we just can't meet eye to eye, especially being long distance. He just doesn't get why it's not healthy to call me 20x in a row when I don't answer, or why it might be suffocating to call me right after you hang up. Or maybe just because you're married doesn't mean we have to share everything! like social media account, bank account, ect... I love being my independent self, and I am on a journey of fixing these issues i'm having in life currently. As a wife who stays at home with two kids.....I am put in the backseat, ready to follow this chimp around the U.S. so that he can do his chimp things and live his chimp life. I CANT DO THAT TO MYSELF, & you know sometimes I feel like the greatest gift to my children would be for me to leave this relationship and find a true sense of myself, for them, so that they can learn too. AND IT IS. the hardest part is taking that leap to get going. Not knowing whats next or where i'm going, seeing how I do have two kids I can't run off and go find myself, I have to be a productive member of society, so it's a matter of finding the right time for me..... I used to believe in marriage but now I feel like it's literally a joke, but maybe I just need to find not the perfect person but, that person that wants to learn and grow with me...and then DONT get married....because what is modern marriage a HUGE scam for businesses ! Like the chimpy ass lawyer i'll be paying for my divorce!!!! GAH!!

What are some thoughts on marriage? Would you ever get married? What do you believe works for you?

[Simon Zackrisson]

Interesting read.

Marriage is something I've never really considered that much.

I've always had kind of a weird feeling towards marriage though.

I don't think it will happened anytime soon for me.

But at the same time, maybe it will indeed seem as a natural progression when you're in heavy-duty serious long term relationship later in life.

[Simon Zackrisson]

By the way, I laughed my ass off when leo first outed the term chimpery. XDDDDDDDDDDDD pure chimpery. 

So cute with chimps that think that they are so evolved, dressing up in monkeysuits and shit.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Simon Zackrisson

[Navyissuedwife]

I never thought I would be this way but I am surely an advocate for just saying no to marriage. You can live with someone and be with someone and not go thru with a marriage like process. As long as that person is on the right understanding, and understands boundaries!! So IMPORTANT to understand and establish boundaries in all of your relationships!! 

[Simon Zackrisson]

True love needs no fucking contract that is enforced by the state, and afterwards charge you for this fine service? 

[Saarah]

Even your username suggests to me this is just eating you up

You should leave and laugh your way out because clearly something isn't right, the clinginess and all that chimpiness

I grew up in a Muslim family and still am (i'm secretly an atheist) and here the expectation is that marriage is this big step and part of life and I've already been asked if I want to get engaged to so-and-so and I of course said no.

I'm 18 for crying out loud, and I don't see it as necessary anymore, I used to think 23 was an ideal age, and now I realise that is way too young, if you wanted to get married in the first place, which I don't think I do anymore.

[Pallero]

I think that marriage might have some practical benefits to it, like the right to the common possessions in case something happens to the other person. I'm not sure, but I think that maybe e.g. adoption is easier in some cases if you are married instead of just living together. But I'm not sure.

In any case, marriage doesn't make love or commitment stronger. It's just a piece of paper.

[Navyissuedwife]

4 hours ago, Saarah said:

Even your username suggests to me this is just eating you up

You should leave and laugh your way out because clearly something isn't right, the clinginess and all that chimpiness

I grew up in a Muslim family and still am (i'm secretly an atheist) and here the expectation is that marriage is this big step and part of life and I've already been asked if I want to get engaged to so-and-so and I of course said no.

I'm 18 for crying out loud, and I don't see it as necessary anymore, I used to think 23 was an ideal age, and now I realise that is way too young, if you wanted to get married in the first place, which I don't think I do anymore.

This is crazy, I couldn't imagine the pressure that you probably have to deal with. I'm lucky I didn't grow up with religion being taught to me, but I still had expectations to live up to...I just don't think I've really cared about hiding anything from my family. It must get frustrating at times.

[Sarah Marie]

Are you my twin?  

Just joking but our stories are so similar it's weird. I married at 18 and moved to Georgia right after my husband got out of boot camp, only to find my husband was a completely different person. 

I am 25 now and we are still married but I am going to be brutally honest with you. During our years living away and in the military environment everything was brutal for a while. He was not himself and really just an ass hole. I ended up working in the basic training for a contractor and saw what they went through. It made me more empathetic to the things my husband went through but I still had to learn how to put down boundaries. Although my husband never called a lot it was the opposite, he was physically there but mentally checked out. Yet somehow we made it out the other end. He really wasn't himself until he got out of the Army. Even now we do not connect on a deeper level. I still feel young, like I'm learning about myself, but I am happy with him. I don't know what the future holds but I just focus on myself and am letting that play out (I also have an 18 month old).

I just wanted to let you know you're not the only person who had the "what the actual fuck did I do" moment after boot camp. I'm not saying stay or go, I just really want you to know this happens more then you know. 

My advice is to really go with what you're feeling. Back then I didn't even know what I was feeling so I just went with it. If you know it's not right RUN because living that lifestyle is no joke.

 

[Sarah Marie]

For the record, If my husband and I do part ways in the future (which is pretty likely considering I'll stop at nothing to live to my full potential) I will not remarry. I would need something non traditional.

[Navyissuedwife]

I understand the demands of the military, I've seen it rip apart my own family. I grew up a military brat myself. My thing is, I don't blame him for the what the military has instilled in him, but there comes a time to be honest with yourself and when I ask him to please be open to self help and self knowledge , he is at first but then it's like the next day he didn't learn anything.....like he retained no information. I'm desperately trying to get him more involved in his own thoughts and his own self awareness but if he doesn't want to put in the effort then I'm not sticking around, you know.  He will have to figure this stuff out without me. Even being apart it's very hard for me to work on myself because when he's not busy in class ( he's still in a school)he's literally blowing up my phone. & I hate being on my devices all day, so I explain to him what would be healthy in this situation and he's still a clinger. Haha I'm hoping I can provide him with more resources when we are actually living together so he can get better help but if he's still wanting to be stuck, I'll be moving on. I realize I have way to much potential to just be a 3rd generation military wife. I definitely do not want to be my grandmother or my mother. 

[Simon Zackrisson]

This is not a book I've read, but it is a book that I've heard a lot of people had positive feedback on.

Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. 

[milosmajlo]

Marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. But here's the thing that you would not like to hear. This issues is your fault as much as his. You haven't taken a full 100% responsibility for your actions, you are blaming and pointing a finger at your husband, but in this situation my personal opinion is that he is someone to be blamed more because he is not a leader, he is fragile, hasn't been studying relationships and doesn't act like a real stable man, but on the other hand you are to blame to some degree because you entered into a marriage without knowing who you are and what do you won't from life but hey, you are only 23 it's never too late to regain the control of your life because you will find a way only if you are seeking it.

[Navyissuedwife]

I agree 100% I am to blame as well. I should have realized what I was going in to, although I did not expect these results out of myself. I was a completely different person not even a year ago. I didn't think the way I think now. I didn't understand the things I understand now. And being in an actual committed marriage is still teaching me things about myself! 

[milosmajlo]

@Navyissuedwife That's one of the best things that you can do, to invest in yourself and never settle, always to have that thought that tomorrow you will be much better person than yesterday, and you know there is always a good thing in all seemingly disasters, imagine this same scenario but you are 35 to 40 years old, in your situation you have a lot of options in front of you, but let them be based on your own intuition and doing what's right for you, not what other people say 

[Argue]

Hmm. I don't know. Seems pretty radical. I wouldn't just leave like that. If you really have feelings and love him, communicate with him what you like or don't like. But, if he can't understand the person you are, you will have to leave and go on with your life. If he's going to keep clinging on and distracting you from you progress towards your life purpose, you need to remove that person. You won't be able to grow unless he's out the picture. Sounds harsh but that's how the game goes. 

Also, I wouldn't worry about what will happen next. Just take it one day at a time working towards a mastery lifestyle. Everything else will follow. 

[Navyissuedwife]

@Simon Zackrisson I'm going to have to read this because I've always wondered about that. 

[Avi]

Marriage is something our culture has made up. It's a concept that has been pushed in everyone's face, especially women. Marriage = happiness is how we like to think of it or rather "If I get married I will be happy for the rest of my life." It makes a little more sense to say that happiness leads to marriage, not the other way around. 

What I mean when I say "happiness leads to marriage" is 2 people are already happy, separately and apart from each other. When they come together, nothing has changed. They are already content with or without the person. And then they can decide if they want to get married or not. You see marriage isn't the goal, it's the by-product of your contentment, satisfaction, and fulfillment.  

And it's only the by-product if you so choose it to be. You don't have to be married to be connected with someone else or love them. 

[Moon]

On 9 February 2016 at 10:45 AM, Saarah said:

Even your username suggests to me this is just eating you up

You should leave and laugh your way out because clearly something isn't right, the clinginess and all that chimpiness

I grew up in a Muslim family and still am (i'm secretly an atheist) and here the expectation is that marriage is this big step and part of life and I've already been asked if I want to get engaged to so-and-so and I of course said no.

I'm 18 for crying out loud, and I don't see it as necessary anymore, I used to think 23 was an ideal age, and now I realise that is way too young, if you wanted to get married in the first place, which I don't think I do anymore.

I'm an 18 year old girl living in a Muslim family too! I've not had marriage mentioned by parents yet though thankfully  

[DJ]

On 2/9/2016 at 2:26 AM, Navyissuedwife said:

 

What are some thoughts on marriage? Would you ever get married? What do you believe works for you?

Been there, done that! Got married because we were having a baby. Deep down inside I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do but I was pressured into it. We had another child a few years later. I finally came to a breaking point and had to leave. It was one of the hardest and best decisions I have ever made. My only regret is not listening to my gut and I should of left years before. But then again, I wouldn't of had my second beautiful daughter so perhaps everything happens for a reason...