(rape mention) After years of trauma I still dont know how to effectively cut him off

[littlebabyy]

Hello. I just made this throwaway account so I can get these thoughts out there somehow. I just want an outlet where I can write this out anonymously since I feel really bad right now. I really really dont know why I keep coming back to this guy even though - in my head - I know hes not good for me.

I am deeply embarrassed. Ive known this person for years. Our relationship is nothing more than a bootycall. We dont see each other often, which makes this even more nonsensical imo.... because why would I be so attached to someone I dont see often and is clearly harming me?

What we have has been pretty brainfuck-y from the start. Ever since I got to know him, nothing he does (his actions, behavior, speech, etc) nothing made sense to me. E.g. Im a pretty enthusiastic and open person but hes extremely closed off and aloof. Our sexual encounters are usually only to please him. As in, we only do what he suggests and everything goes after his rules, he tells me when we meet up, etc. which in itself isnt bad but all things considered proves how self-centered he is and doesnt respect me (he shuts me off when I make a suggestion usually).

One time he forced me to do something sexually that I had clearly refused to do. I felt so awful during and after and when I asked him why he did what he did he responded "You could have just said no.", when that was what I was clearly doing. He heard me object but still continued.

We met again last month (I know some of you must shake your head lol) and an incident happened that was hugely embarrassing to me. When that happened I panicked and tried to do some damage control even though the incident that happened was my body´s automatic response and just something that can generally happen during the practice.
Still, it made me feel so incredibly humiliated and I apologized a thousand times and cleaned up. I did expect him to be upset/disgusted but I didnt expect him to humiliate me even more after that happened. He knew 100% what happened and how embarrassed I was, yet acted clueless because he wanted me to say out loud why I stopped. It felt like he was scolding me.

My friends tried to cheer me up and say that what happened to me during sex isnt a big deal because its something that can just happen and is natural. But I dont know how I will recover from this humiliating incident.

I dont know where Im going with this post tbh... Ive been looking for answers and advice online from other people who might be in the same situation. Usually I see people say "You have to dump him/cut him off" which is 100% the right thing to do... but I keep failing to do that. I keep letting him back in my life and even miss him after a while. And he most likely takes advantage of that. Im also a person who doesnt let people in easily, so its not like I could easily get to know someone else and just forget him.

I want to thank you in advance for reading this post and for the comments. Maybe some of you guys were in a situation like this and successfully removed said person.

TL;DR My hookup is not doing me good and even though Im aware of this in my head, I dont know how to effectively cut ties with him. He loves to humiliate/degrade me and doesnt respect me clearly. Our sexual encounters are very one sided. He made me feel worse after a recent incident that was very embarrassing to me. I keep letting him back for reasons Im not sure of.

[Gesundheit]

And that's the dirty, dirty love.

[Roy]

Sorry, but there are no shortcuts to this. Send him one last message about the things you're feeling here and a farewell, and then block him on EVERY single communication line you have. It's going to hurt emotionally but that's the price you must pay to heal and move on.

Someone like the man you're describing isn't going to let you "ween" it off slowly. He will manipulate you and make you feel guilty and small, to get more of what he wants. He's already disregard your emotions and concerns too many times.

You need to learn to respect yourself and know that you deserve better. Even if it doesn't feel natural because of the dynamic of this relationship keep telling yourself, "I am powerful woman. I deserve the best. I am powerful woman. I deserve the best." I know it seems weird and corny, but it's extremely helpful. Go back to this statement in your mind every-time you start to feel small or powerless. Please do this for yourself!

Also to help fill the gap that cutting him out will probably create, you need to fill it by spending time with supportive friends and family. You can't be alone during this time because you WILL talk yourself into going back to him. You need other people with you to help keep you strong and rational.

What he has done is absolutely unacceptable. Do people deserve a chance to redeem themselves? Yes.

But he will have to do that on his own. Not with you. You deserve better.

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Roy

[littlebabyy]

3 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

And that's the dirty, dirty love.

 If only love would actually be involved in my situation... but thanks for the music recommendation!

[littlebabyy]

@Roy

Quote

He will manipulate you and make you feel guilty and small, to get more of what he wants. He's already disregard your emotions and concerns too many times.

Quote

 You can't be alone during this time because you WILL talk yourself into going back to him. You need other people with you to help keep you strong and rational.

Quote

What he has done is absolutely unacceptable. Do people deserve a chance to redeem themselves? Yes.

But he will have to do that on his own. Not with you. You deserve better.

Thank you awfully for the kind and motivating words. I am happy that you have faith in me to stop this as I have lost all hope for myself. Several people suggested I should go to therapy to help me find healthy ways to deal with my feelings instead of acting upon them. 

Its especially weird because someone mentioned that there could be something in my past that pushes me towards him... but I am clueless as to what that could be. Its definitely not the sex... because I can get amazing sex elsewhere. And its also not his personality as we are not compatible at all!

Again, thank you so much for hearing me out and reading my story. It means a lot to me.

[Roy]

You're welcome. Just know the best thing you can do for yourself is come up with a concrete plan, it's good to understand the emotions too but it's also easy to get lost in them and they can keep you stuck as you described. So;

- That means carefully contemplating and writing down what you're going to say. It needs to be long enough to fairly describe how you feel in a direct way, and also have enough closure in it so he understands (with enough time/distance hopefully) that it can't work. The impact needs to be direct, but also graceful enough for him to absorb it.

- Setting an exact date for when you're going to send the message and commit to sending it that day!

- It might seem cold, but you want it to be a text message either on phone or facebook, then block him. If you talk live in person or on the phone there will be a lot of emotions clouding what your original intentions are. He will make you second guess yourself or forget what your message was supposed to be to him.

- Tell your best friends and family what you're doing, and ask them for support and to hold you accountable to your plan! It's hard to do it on your own.

 

Yes there are probably some other things you're struggling with that are causing you to go back to him, but you need to free yourself first of the thing that is contributing to this emotional pain. It will be painful at first but shortly after you will feel a certain lightness that will make things clearer for you, then you can start healing and growing. You need to put yourself first here. You have the strength!

I know this all seems like I'm kinda telling you what to do, sorry about that haha. It's just I've been in an analogous situation so I kinda know what needs to happen. Hindsight is 20-20.

I wish you the best!

[Gesundheit]

16 hours ago, littlebabyy said:

 If only love would actually be involved in my situation... but thanks for the music recommendation!

My pleasure.

Now more to the practical side, there can only be two possibilities here:

1. The attraction is there for no reasons.
2. The attraction is there for no apparent reasons.

The first possibility is not very likely. The second is probably the case. There's something unconscious going on on your part that is creating the attraction, but since you're not aware of it yet it's not apparent to you.

I suggest that instead of trying to escape this, to dive in it consciously, and examine it like a scientist studying bacteria. Bring out your microscope and dissect your feelings, and keep at it until you get the clarity you want. And in the meantime, try learning about attachment styles and shadow work and parts work. There's always so much to uncover through these methods.

In brief, my advice is to stop resisting what's going on, and instead lean into it with curiosity to understand what's under the surface. Chances are the cause of the attraction is buried underneath the resistance. Dig deep within yourself and find out.

Good luck.

Edited August 26, 2020 by Gesundheit

[mandyjw]

Sounds like you can't break up because what you really want to is to move past the guilt and shame in general. So you guilt and shame yourself for not being able to end it.

You need a massive dose of self love. Take some time for yourself, by yourself, to contemplate, self care, pamper yourself. Bubbly bath, favorite movie, Ben and Jerry's, mediation, time in nature.

Hugs. 

 

[Kiko]

We Humans we are so fucked up.. 

I feel sorry for what you are going through right now. I just wanted to say that i am most attracted to girls who hurt me emotionally, tend to fall for them every fucking time. 

 

[Nahm]

14 hours ago, littlebabyy said:

If only love would actually be involved in my situation

Love is present indeed, you’re feeling the resistance.

14 hours ago, littlebabyy said:

I can get amazing sex elsewhere

That’s not true. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

you let him back in because you hate yourself  -- i.e. you dont love yourself very much -- and have close to zero self worth.

I dont even understand why you are making this post. Cut him fucking out of your life and start treating yourself like you'd treat your best friend!

love you <3

[WaveInTheOcean]

"It's especially weird because someone mentioned that there could be something in my past that pushes me towards him... but I am clueless as to what that could be. "

how is your relationship to your father?

has your father always been a straight up nice guy or does he have some dark sides/bad tendencies towards your mother (i'd guess they have broken up, but correct me if im wrong)

[Kiko]

51 minutes ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

you let him back in because you hate yourself  -- i.e. you dont love yourself very much -- and have close to zero self worth.

I dont even understand why you are making this post. Cut him fucking out of your life and start treating yourself like you'd treat your best friend!

love you <3

I have same problem with girls who treat me bad and disrespect me. I think there something that pushes me toward this bitches...

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Kiko said:

I have same problem with girls who treat me bad and disrespect me. I think there something that pushes me toward this bitches...

Talk to somebody asap my man. Wishing you healing and clarity. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

12 hours ago, Kiko said:

I have same problem with girls who treat me bad and disrespect me. I think there something that pushes me toward this bitches...

You treat yourself badly. Your unconsciously don't think you deserve love, so if someone actually came and loved you unconditionally and treated you with respect, your ego wouldn't buy it, and you will push them away.

Practice self love man❤️??