Pulling myself out of yet another life purpose and existential crisis

[Milos Uzelac]

Cannot order my thoughts to summon up the words so as to write out what I think are my deepest personal issues and life direction and purpose doubts and "missed" opportunities. Will write in here in order for it to be available to the public eye so I can better put pressure on myself to motivate myself to start writing out the problems I need to deal with in more detail (and readable English) and a.) strategies and b.) visions that I need to work on, develop and solidify in 1.) how I want to live my life, 2.) what is the purpose of my living and 3.) why I want to live life (on this note I am not suicidal when writing this).

Currently, I cannot muster the mental and cognitive ability to start to write out points, plans, and a framework of how I want to approach this, for it not appear to be a mental circle-jerk in pitying myself and complaining about my current self. When I can muster that willpower and have a plan about how to approach writing this journal, I will continue writing it, though I have a plan now to try to add new things day by day (or two or three days apart in a row) and to manage it somehow during a busy exam period that I will have in the next weeks. 

Till my next input, whoever is reading this, I wish you well and to find and muster ways to be happy about yourself, to love yourself and your life. Be well.

1st Input:

3.) Why I want to live life? Why I want continue living? Answer:

a) I feel like I was born and put in the current situation and context for a purpose - a purpose higher, than the existence I am experiencing now currently. Something that's bigger and encompasses more than my current self, and therefore feels more of life.

That something, the closest currently I have felt over the past weeks, of what it is exactly that would give purpose to be happy about my life circumstances and more life to my existence, when I thought about it: is helping others who need it  in some ways out of their situational and life circumstantial suffering, by educating them and broadening their perspective via knowledge about the world, about themselves and about their position in the world (as a human being, cultural background and member of a wider global and societal system).

Even though I feel a guilty conscious pattern that repeats it's within me, with the patterns of feelings I experience when I think about this.

I am not just relying on my casual relationship thinking about this state that I currently am in, as being, generally speaking,  an end result of accumulated consequences of past low-conscious, desire-driven and fear-based choices and decisions I made up until this point since I discovered this channel, started as a student and legally became an adult at 18 and 19 years old or in short the result of some karmic chain of events, but also I intuit, from other experience that I had up until this point, that I had and/or was by some intelligent design, which's given path I failed to last on and accomplish, in the way it was intended for and set, given a purpose around the subject matter of studying sociology, me being a successful student of it and graduating from it in time, so that I could, in the ideal linear progression scenario of the imagined past, gain knowledge, experience, relationships and friendships with it could which fulfill my felt inner need to truly work on helping and inspiring people (I imagined mostly immigrants and people in poverty) to have an easier time in society and to give them an explanation of why their suffering is not all their doing, but also a product of an extremely unjust historical and societal systems and world situation they found themselves in not by their own volition alone but by systemic reasons as well, on which's gradualistic fight to change it for the better for the majority, and I could work on with them and friends I gained, who's purpose aligns with mine in a similar way and feel and think in a similar way as me on this subject.

Do I still believe this, all this mentioned above, about what's the purpose of my living and my life on this planet, yes I still feel this within me to an extent. Either I want to be of service, that not only accomodates and allow's the system to function as previously as it was efficiently, but also to change it for the betterment for some who felt it's rough edges and had gained up until now only the crumbs from it's abundant luxuries that were closed off for them specifically, for inadequate reasons, for a long time, during my lifetime or I want to team up with someone or raise someone who will be able to succeed in doing this better than I should have done.

Maybe this seems like fantasy writing or revolutionary LARPing on the outset, when reading this and in retrospect when I communicate the rest of my current life experience up until this point and contrast it with these wishes and desires, but I still when I introspect myself about my life purpose feel an emotional and mental pull towards them.

However I also feel contrasting feeling's and thought's when thinking about other's people life positions, as being maybe the product, like my position now, of their own unconscious actions that are more likely to happen to them because of past karmic  actions and chain of events that had led them up till this point in life (of maybe they selfishly tortured, killed an another human being or multiple other or dozens of human beings in their past life or committed some other exclusively self-preserving crime, having only their own immediate well being in mind or going along with the toxic beliefs that the majority of society had at the moment developed, perhaps as is often the case in a time of collective ego crisis, in committing some atrocities, without a second-thought, doubt or attempt to stand against it or avoid doing it), I can know for sure I am using this as a justification in my mind when I see intense suffering around me, which I believe I am unable to alter in my lifetime.

I think I have gone at this point, off tangent and in long-winded, broad strokes so I will have to introspect, read again, revise, edit and add more tommorow of what I have started in decoding and exposing my own currents feelings and beliefs about my self, my purpose and others here.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Milos Uzelac