Can't be authentic at work. What should I do?

[JayG84]

I became a tradesman because when I was younger I had no idea what I wanted and I was pushed to get a trade to play it 'safe'. I grew up as a sensitive kid, always was more interested in the arts and social sciences than mechanical things, but never thought I was "smart enough" to go to university or to contribute anything to these fields, so I settled on doing the safe thing and just getting a decent paying, manual labour job. The problem is that I've never felt comfortable in this line of work. I have always been a pretty conscious person, people have called me an 'old soul'. I've always been sensitive to peoples egos and felt their energy strongly. The people I work with are very low-conscious, most of them have major anger issues, undiagnosed personality disorders, and massive defence mechanisms. I always feel like I'm on pins and needles around everyone and I'm scared of saying the wrong thing or doing something that'll set someone off. I find it very hard to be my authentic self in this environment. I always have to play characters and put on a tough guy persona to fit in with them. Even though I look and act very masculine, I definitely have a stronger than average feminine side of me that I'm constantly suppressing to not raise too many eyebrows. Sometimes I feel like I would feel more authentic working as a coffee barista than have to put on all these inauthentic personas. I've always felt more comfortable around sensitive academic types (which most of my best friends are) than around other tradesmen. I feel like I went down a very wrong path with my career and I'm wondering if I should start over again fresh knowing what I know now. 

Anyone else been struggling to be more authentic and find their place in the world? What have you learned along the way?

Edited August 23, 2020 by JayG84

[meow_meow]

Yes, I've worked as an:

Construction worker,
Security guard,
Lawyers assistant,
Debt collector.

I currently work as a web (PHP & JS) Developer.
And I run a project, where we help people in my country who are in debt with legal consultations & translations for free. (Link here if you're interested)

And I love it.

When I used to work in the professions mentioned above, I felt the same way as You do. I hated it, I hated every second in most of these jobs. I felt like I was selling my soul for shit salary and absolutely no feeling of gratification, no fullfillment,  and  eventually it led me to alcohol drugs & gambling.

 

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I'm scared of saying the wrong thing or doing something that'll set someone off. I find it very hard to be my authentic self in this environment

It's mostly in your head. You'll have to man up and start speaking your mind, stand up for your ideas and beliefs. (Dont be an complete asshole tho)

You are repressing your anger, emotions and turning this:

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I always have to play characters and put on a tough guy persona to fit in with them.

into an dangerous and toxic limiting belief.

Speak up. Learn how to gain confidence, stop lying to yourself and others, question your beliefs and shit will change.
I've been there and done that. Good luck!

Edited August 23, 2020 by meow_meow

[Godhead]

I very much relate I worked in trades as well with a lot of SD 'blue' types of people. I pretty much had to adopt a persona of not taking shit from anyone and in general, start being toxic towards Co-workers to let them know they can't step on me. Eventually, I noticed how I became more and more this persona.

Sure you could also learn to handle their BS better, but you'd still have to handle their BS.

My honest opinion? Quit your job and find something you are passionate about (do it in a smart way ofc).