Question on Ego Backlash

[Guest EmptyVase]

So from the end of 2019 until ~April 2020 I've had my biggest ego backlash yet. It's hard for me to quantify how severe it was, but the ego backlashes before were just minor backslidings, unwillingness towards the path and just pushing through some emotions. That time, it really hit me. I couldn't really identify a trigger for it, but some kind of fear (probably of the unknown) stirred up heavily in me. This resulted in me not being able to consume "spiritual material" aka teachings, trip reports etc. But I still meditated and did Kriya Yoga. (Weirdly enough, that was not such a big issue for me. I think I was more afraid of the concepts than the actual reality. Now that I write this, I remember how Leo said, that Fear is a concept. Makes sense in this case.)

Until this day, I still don't consume that much spiritual material like I did before - but this time it's  not because of some fear. I just need to digest all the teachings, before stuffing my brain with further concepts etc. Before learning more spiritual teachings, I first want to embody what I've learnt so far to a certain degree.

During the ego backlash, I really backed off from "spiritual stuff" and granted my ego some room to just let it out. Like Leo said in his video, I mindfully suffered through it - though I backed off from personal development and spirituality (counterintuitively, in retrospect, this was probably the "most spiritual thing" I could do back then). I felt like if I would've just ignored the ego backlash, consumed more spiritual material, tripped further etc. my ego would've just grown stronger and ultimately kick me off the path for good.

Thus, in my mind, I said to my ego: "Alright, I'm going to let loose a bit and you can do what you want. One day, I will naturally back off from you - back off from my self. And find my Self." -> Now I am exactly at this step. From day to day, my ego loses more and more of its grip. I connect more to this mysterious thing looking out of my eyeballs. Here and there I have minor moments of "ohh now I get it, it's so not what I thought what it would be" - which grows my trust stronger in this path. Bliss, Love, Acceptance, Understanding are what increasingly conquer my days.

Now my question is: If I should experience an ego backlash again, maybe more severe than ever, should I do it just like I did it last time? Should I go with all my weapons against the forces of ego? Would I just nurish the ego with more power by fighting against it rebelliously? Can I trust my gut in such moments?

The only thing which I can hold on to seems to be Love. Even though during my last ego backlash the love didn't feel bliss like, even hurted me in a way, I could still love. Loving ego, even when it screams like a crazy maniac, is possible. Unconditional Love seems to be something I can always apply, even though it tears me apart. Maybe it's just another concept I cling to and it's not authentic Love. Or maybe not. Maybe Love is not always connected to positive feelings. I honestly don't know.

I appreciate any advice from you guys! Thank you for reading.

 

[How to be wise]

@EmptyVase Ignore the ego backlash. The only thing you should be thinking about is keeping your meditation practice. As long as that continues, let your ego backlash do as it pleases.

[Guest EmptyVase]

@How to be wise Even if the ego backlash extends from an inner warfare, to career and relationships, causing further problems in those areas?

[Guest EmptyVase]

Ohh I think I understand why you've said that. Focusing on ego backlash will only make it more everpresent, just as focusing on positive thoughts will lead to a more positive mindset, right?

[How to be wise]

@EmptyVase The ultimate solution to the ego will come from your meditation practice, but that will only be after a year at least. We are thinking long term.

As far as what happens now, it doesn’t matter. As long as you know that in the future your ego will die, what happens in the coming weeks or months is rather inconsequential. Two years from now, you will just smile at it. 
 

Think about the future, when those problems will be permanently gone, and less on all the suffering happening now.

A classic Buddhist advice: The road to Hell looks like heaven, and the road to heaven looks like hell. You are on the road to heaven. But the road is hell-like. Just endure it and think about the final destination. The only necessary thing for that is your daily practice. Good luck!

[Guest EmptyVase]

I don't know what happened right now, but as I was reading your advice, I felt like I've been looked through really precisely. I don't know how to explain this, but reading this just made so much sense 

Thank you very much! This one will keep me going, when in hard times:

12 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

The road to Hell looks like heaven, and the road to heaven looks like hell. You are on the road to heaven. But the road is hell-like.

I appreciate it a lot

Edited August 23, 2020 by EmptyVase
typo

[Johnny5]

Rather than navigating by rules and rationale, how about navigating by observation, integration, flow? Eyes-open vs. eyes-closed. Lucid vs rote.

[Guest EmptyVase]

@Johnny5 It makes sense to me to have a delicate balance between rules and rationale vs. navigation by observation, integration and flow. My balance was definitely off, too much weight on rules and rationale. The operating parts of ego.

[Johnny5]

@EmptyVase  ? excellent, it's a process, it doesn't happen all at once. But basically that's surrender.

Edited August 26, 2020 by Johnny5