A few tokes turned me suicidal

[Shmurda]

Hello everyone I hope this post meets you well,

I have been doing a lot of consciousness work lately and its really starting to shift my life in the positive direction I always wanted but was too lazy/fearful/apathetic to realize before.

I also have some traumatic baggage that comes to visit every now and then to haunt me with thoughts of hatred and self loathing, but this has subsided a lot recently, or so I thought. 

Last night I was at my friends birthday party. Everyone there was drinking but I decided not to since I noticed its started to interfere with mindfulness practices and I'd like to quit. However, I thought that smoking some weed would be alright since it doesn't have the same blunting of awareness effect that booze tends to. I will say here that I have had a long a tumultuous relationship with weed. It generally makes me socially anxious to some degree and I knew that this occasion would probably be no different, but I smoked it nonetheless.

Anyway, I smoke the joint and I'm talking with some people and I notice that my thoughts have become a lot more critical and "little me" is feeling a lot more like an animal trying to escape its torment, rather than a collection of thoughts that just kind of hang out in the background (typical sober state.)

The party moves on but every interaction I have from this point on taunts the animal further. I say something critical, I think that I'm being an asshole, then I feel worse and the cycle repeats itself until my self esteem is literally at rock bottom. I can't even speak or look people in the eye. Someone makes a joke that I'm the butt of or someone says something that could be perceived as rude and it cuts me really deep.

I finish my food quickly and go to bed with suicidal thoughts. I want nothing more than for my existence to end and I curse myself for this life. I stay in bed the whole night and the party goes on without me. I leave in the morning.

I feel a bit better now but my question is, what the fuck? everything was going so well so why do I get handed a depression sandwich for something so trivial as a few tokes of weed and some awkward interactions? Is there some way I can address this inner potential for desire for oblivion? Or do I just chalk it up to a freak occurrence? I did let the emotions wash over me but it didn't make me feel any better...

 

[Rilles]

6 hours ago, Shmurda said:

Hello everyone I hope this post meets you well,

I have been doing a lot of consciousness work lately and its really starting to shift my life in the positive direction I always wanted but was too lazy/fearful/apathetic to realize before.

I also have some traumatic baggage that comes to visit every now and then to haunt me with thoughts of hatred and self loathing, but this has subsided a lot recently, or so I thought. 

Last night I was at my friends birthday party. Everyone there was drinking but I decided not to since I noticed its started to interfere with mindfulness practices and I'd like to quit. However, I thought that smoking some weed would be alright since it doesn't have the same blunting of awareness effect that booze tends to. I will say here that I have had a long a tumultuous relationship with weed. It generally makes me socially anxious to some degree and I knew that this occasion would probably be no different, but I smoked it nonetheless.

Anyway, I smoke the joint and I'm talking with some people and I notice that my thoughts have become a lot more critical and "little me" is feeling a lot more like an animal trying to escape its torment, rather than a collection of thoughts that just kind of hang out in the background (typical sober state.)

The party moves on but every interaction I have from this point on taunts the animal further. I say something critical, I think that I'm being an asshole, then I feel worse and the cycle repeats itself until my self esteem is literally at rock bottom. I can't even speak or look people in the eye. Someone makes a joke that I'm the butt of or someone says something that could be perceived as rude and it cuts me really deep.

I finish my food quickly and go to bed with suicidal thoughts. I want nothing more than for my existence to end and I curse myself for this life. I stay in bed the whole night and the party goes on without me. I leave in the morning.

I feel a bit better now but my question is, what the fuck? everything was going so well so why do I get handed a depression sandwich for something so trivial as a few tokes of weed and some awkward interactions? Is there some way I can address this inner potential for desire for oblivion? Or do I just chalk it up to a freak occurrence? I did let the emotions wash over me but it didn't make me feel any better...

 

You got paranoia from the THC, dont smoke, weed is not a "soft" drug, for some people it can mess up their head when theyre in that state, stick to mindfulness or some other substance that makes you feel better. 

[Shmurda]

1 hour ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

How often do you smoke? How long have you been smoking? Was is strong weed? Do you know what strain it was?

Weed usually connects me with my unconscious mind. It shows me things about myself that I didn't previously perceive. Depending on the strain it can boost my awareness twentyfold.

Some strains do that, some don't. Maybe you smoked a strain that did just that and it showed you a shadow of yours? Weed can be great for shadow work, but it can be horrible if you don't expect to meet your shadow.

A similar thing happened to me a few years back. I was smoking some weed all by myself and suddenly it hit me. A train of suppressed emotions and memories. Stuff that had been suppressed for over 15 years. Straight out of nowhere. I didn't even see it coming! The stuff that came up was so painful that I almost ended my life, but luckily I didn't.

This happened because I didn't expect to have all of this surface. I rarely smoke weed on my own, but when I do I use it for shadow work because it's fucking great!

The point is that it can bring up emotions you haven't been conscious of in ages. Maybe you have had a few bad experiences with social interactions in the past and being high + being in a social interaction triggered these emotions?

Why are you into spirituality in the first place? For a lot of people spirituality can become a coping mechanism. An avoidant coping mechanism at that. It's a way to get away from pain. Maybe that's what you were doing but you pain caught up to you?

Stop smoking for a month. Once you haven't smoked for a month, get yourself some weed and smoke it on your own in some safe space. This is tricky because you will have to get a good strain. Some strains just fuck with your head without raising your consciousness. If you manage to get your hands on some good weed, just smoke it and do some shadow work while you're high. You might be shocked at how effective weed can be when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Once you're high, try to contemplate the reason for why you felt the way you did at that party. Try to connect with your emotions. Try to see what comes up.

Thanks for the detailed reply. I've heard of the fabled use of weed for shadow work before but I've never done it myself. I will say you are definitely right about it revealing unconscious elements. However in my case it seems to exacerbate these weaker, lazy and self loathing parts of myself. Let's say you get stoned and you start to feel like God's asshole, how do you go about the work from there? 

I get judgemental thoughts when I'm sober, but when I smoke they literally take me over. It's fucked.

I have a managed on a few occasions to take that bad feeling and let it literally crush me. Then I'm able to transmute it. However it only works for that occasion. Next time it's business as usual. 

[Shmurda]

@Rilles Good advice. Honestly I've been smoking for 10 years on and off and it's given me far more grief than enjoyment. Almost like an abusive relationship, I'm holding out hope that one day I'll be able to fully enjoy it. 

[Nahm]

@Shmurda

The liberation is understanding / recognizing how you’re creating the suffering as you create it, and no longer doing so.

 

[Farnaby]

@Shmurda I think both things are true: weed CAN be a tool to do shadow work and weed can also not harmonize well with your brain chemistry and personality. 

Personally, I've experienced both and also thought that maybe one day I will be able to enjoy it without the paranoia. But honestly, 8/10 times there was some paranoia and/or insecurity involved. So it wasn't healthy for me to keep smoking, because I would become socially awkward and also get paranoid about my physical health (I actually used to get a racing heart and high blood pressure quite often when smoking). 

@Nahm is right. And at the same time, I think some people don't tolerate some substances well. Because as much as I could be in a good set/setting, weed could give me unhealthy physical effects. Of course overthinking them is something I could learn to stop, but why put my body under such a stress? 

[Nobody_Here]

Not everyone handles marijuana well, just like not everyone handles alcohol well. I can drink a little alcohol at a social gathering, have a nice time, get a ride home and think nothing of it. My friend is a recovering alcoholic, and even one drink for her is unthinkable. Why? Genetics, most likely. Maybe a bit of environmental factors. But not everyone handles alcohol like I do, but that says nothing about them personally. 

It’s the same with weed. Marijuana seems OK for most people, but some people should avoid it. Some doctors say people with a family history of psychosis should avoid it outright. But whatever your history is, listen to your body. You seem to have a bad reaction to marijuana, and that is OK, but realize it probably never will get better and it’s just best to avoid it. There are other ways to relax without toking.

Edited August 23, 2020 by Nobody_Here

[Arcangelo]

@DefinitelyNotARobot  Please give me a list of strains you recommend.

My favorite is white russian it hits me like a psychedelic.

[Roy]

Just don't smoke weed anymore, it's overrated anyways. Not to mention expensive.

Edited August 24, 2020 by Roy

[Shmurda]

@Roy I live in Vietnam so outdoor weed dirt cheap! High grade is still pretty pricey though. About $12/g of some 7/10 indoor grown. 

Thanks for the tips lads. Tbh I think I'm gonna quit because it's clearly bringing the shadow parts of my personality out more. I guess that could be a blessing because it allows me to see them more clearly, but since it causes me to drown in the pain rather than simply witness it, it's probably better to leave it out altogether. 

I have done some journalling since, and realised that I actually enjoy the pain and I'm doing it to myself. The only reason I think it's a problem is because it doesn't conform the idea of who I want to be. 

So, next time it happens I'm gonna eject from the social situation, kick back and embrace it. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 8/23/2020 at 9:21 AM, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

There is no right way to do this. There are a lot of techniques that all have their own benefits. I personally like to use a journal for shadow work. There are great techniques that can help you do that. I love to write down a conversation between the aspects of me that I see as "positive" and those aspects that I see as "negative". For example: The aspect of yourself that you see as strong and the aspect of yourself you see as weak. Your productive aspect and your lazy aspect. Your self-love and your self-loathing.

You love and embrace some aspects of yourself and you reject and suppress others. Here is a good video on this topic.

This offers a good technique that you can use. Again I'd use a journal for this.

You should honestly stop smoking, or at least turn down your consumption if you see a problem with it.

If you want to keep using it, use it in a responsible manner. That means: Smoke it only once or twice a month at max, Smoke it on your own or with another person who you deeply trust and who is also responsible with their use and use it as a spiritual tool ONLY. Just like any tool, weed can be used or misused. But you probably know that.

This is a GREAT video because this issue is so overlooked in the Self development/Actualization world. Ouspensky and Gurdjieff framed it as people consisting of many "i"s. Gurdjieff also referred to people as being taxi-cabs in that these different "I"'s would be directing the cab (one's body) with the frequency of a busy metropolitan taxi-cab.

This issue has been completely overlooked by the majority of modern Therapists which ironically explains the existence of some ineffective Therapists. This issue was articulated well by one of the grandfathers of Transpersonal psychology, Charles Tart. In the conventional world of Psychologists with its vested interests of theory and more or less dogma, as far as I can tell up to now, it has mostly been dismissed or looked past.

Not to get off the subject here. I'm in agreement for the most part with @DefinitelyNotARobot and others. Cannabis affects people differently and the variety of strains adds much to that mixture. Having a grasp on the fundamental fractureness of humans in general, the use of cannabis can accelerate integration but by all means it's not going to be a walk in the park. At least periodically at times, anyway.

As a rule, when I've let my system clean up and then I smoke again. A good deal of paranoia will surface. If I then double down and keep smoking, usually this inner territory is traveled past. I don't think Cannabis use is for everyone but on the other hand, people shouldn't let the effects of some paranoia and introvertedness to completely scare them away. The only one to decide this is each individual deciding for themselves while taking into consideration all of the variables. IMO

I would be getting in over my head in a hurry if I brought up the issue of cannabinoid receptors being discovered in many types of cells in the body. This would be good grounds for arguing and perhaps advocating for the medicinal use of Cannabis. It could be already and I'm just not aware of it.  

The strains of Berry White and Purple Hindu Kush among a few others have been agreeable with my body and psychological make up.

[Eren Eeager]

@Shmurda

Imagine being in that state 24/7. That's me and I had to deal with it. I had obsessive thoughts from the kind you mentioned which caused me social anxiety to the point I really feel anxious around anyone including my family members. So you are Ok, just don't smoke weed and work on your self to release any trauma  

[Rilles]

On 23/08/2020 at 3:31 PM, Shmurda said:

@Rilles Good advice. Honestly I've been smoking for 10 years on and off and it's given me far more grief than enjoyment. Almost like an abusive relationship, I'm holding out hope that one day I'll be able to fully enjoy it. 

You need to set some boundaries for yourself, what is it you get out of these experiences? To me it seems like youre making yourself suffer. I used to be like you, I really tried to like smoking but just in the past year Ive just totally given up, I hate being the introverted, paranoid spaced out dude who cant even talk to people because I took two tokes, no thanks. 

[bejapuskas]

I agree with the others, weed causes brain damage. There are so many cases of this happening (in the long term, but still). Which direction do you mean by positive, where are you headed?

[Nahm]

21 hours ago, Shmurda said:

embrace it. 

Understand it. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

was too lazy/fearful/apathetic to realize before.

Let the past go rather than using it to judge yourself. That is the key. Recognize rumination and understand it.  You were born ignorant and innocent, just like everyone else. Don’t add judgement, seek to understand what is misunderstood. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

I also have some traumatic baggage that comes to visit every now and then to haunt me with thoughts of hatred and self loathing, but this has subsided a lot recently, or so I thought. 

Rather than believing something separate comes to visit you, take responsibility for focus now. The body will release emotional misunderstanding. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

It generally makes me socially anxious

Rather than believing something else is causing you to feel a certain way, take responsibility for the perspectives you’re focused on. What you’re feeling is the relativity of perspectives. Labelling this ‘social anxiety’ is labelling yourself and affirming this is true about you. The feeling tells you this is how you’re thinking. It does not feel good precisely because it is not true about you. What is true of you, feels delightful. What you are feeling is your self judgement. Again, in taking responsibility the body releases emotional misunderstanding. Saying the feeling is caused by this or that keeps the emotional misunderstanding suppressed. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

feeling a lot more like an animal trying to escape its torment

Self judgement, or negative self talk if you will, does not resonate because it is not true. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

The party moves on but every interaction I have from this point on taunts the animal further. I say something critical, I think that I'm being an asshole, then I feel worse and the cycle repeats itself until my self esteem is literally at rock bottom. I can't even speak or look people in the eye. Someone makes a joke that I'm the butt of or someone says something that could be perceived as rude and it cuts me really deep.

Take responsibility for saying something critical. Take responsibility for judging yourself (“asshole”). Notice that is what doesn’t feel good. 

What someone says doesn’t actually “cut you really deep”. It reveals to you that you have some self judgement and negative beliefs. If someone called you a pigeon you’d laugh and think it was light & ridiculous. This is because you don’t have beliefs that you are a pigeon, so there is no vibrational resonating with a belief / judgement held about yourself. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

I finish my food quickly and go to bed with suicidal thoughts

  In missing that what’s really going on is self judgement and not acknowledging your own role in it & taking responsibility, and consciously choosing perspectives which do resonate with you...you’re entertaining further thoughts of denying responsibility. The relief & liberation is found in taking responsibility for how you feel, no longing labeling and or blaming others. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

I feel a bit better now but my question is, what the fuck? everything was going so well so why do I get handed a depression sandwich for something so trivial as a few tokes of weed and some awkward interactions?

You were handed a golden opportunity to recognize and see through your beliefs about yourself. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

 

Is there some way I can address this inner potential for desire for oblivion?

Yes. Stop running so to speak and be responsible for how you feel. Notice reaction, breathe consciously and deeply from your stomach, shift focus from thinking to seeing, hearing, breathing & feeling and relax. Understanding and release ensues. Be particularly aware that when the body does release there will be a stronger tendency (initially) to ‘go into thinking’ and self judging again. Instead, return focus to breathing deeply from the stomach, and ‘be where you are’ via focusing on seeing, hearing, breathing & feeling. 

On 8/23/2020 at 2:04 AM, Shmurda said:

Or do I just chalk it up to a freak occurrence? I did let the emotions wash over me but it didn't make me feel any better...

You did not let the emotions release. You clung to interpretations, labelling, and self judgment. But you learned something which is priceless. 

[Jodistrict]

I stopped taking cannabis edibles.   I week after taking an ayahausca journey, I was in a state of joy and connection with the universe.  I then took some cannabis and the next day I was depressed.  The minute I took the edible, I realized that I had made a mistake.  The problem with cannabis is that it shows you all your problems but there is no catharsis.  Ayahausca is called  “the purge” because it just doesn’t show you your  issues but purges the energy from your body, with vomiting, diarrhea, shaking, screaming, crying, sweating, yawning, etc.   With cannabis, you are a pig always rolling in the mud.  Mother Aya washes the mud off.