How to make each other feel special when we've wasted all our romance on many others

[Arcanus]

My boyfriend and I have both been intense lovers to multiple past partners. I was guy-obsessed and he was girl-obsessed. We've put our partners on pedestals and promised the world to them, and meant it. Of course, those promises had expiration dates and there is nothing left of those relationships now except remorse. We are both idealistic and have always craved that true soulmate/twinflame love. So that's what we would call a lot of our past relationships. You always think the one you're with is the one, you know how it goes.

In my case, there has always been a heavy dose of self-deception involved. The truth is that I fell in love with the man I'm with now years ago, and never got over him. Yet I continued to date others because he was unavailable and married throughout this time. So I searched for him in every man I came across, and tried to create the relationship I always wanted with him, with others.

Meanwhile, I was originally just an extramarital fling to him, but he had a fling with many other girls too. He was always a womanizer, who failed to kick the habit even in his marriage (until later). His marriage did eventually end however, and this time we ended up together.

We went in and out of contact throughout the years we were with others, and would share details about those experiences with each other. I used to be very sex-focused in my partner-search, so most of my relationships had some sort of a bdsm element to them. I have always wanted to look up to someone, so that's what I did, even if it meant bowing to someone undeserving. Cringe. He on the other hand has always been very fatherly and dominant. So his relationships were of similar nature, but on the reverse side of the coin.

You would think the story would end well with us ending up together after all the years, but it's been a real struggle. He is the man I always dreamed about and fantasized about, romantically, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. He recognizes that he should have chosen to be with me way back when. Yet, we struggle to make each other feel special. We struggle to respect each others love. We've tortured ourselves by reading each others old chat logs, journal entries etc, as an attempt to accept each other fully. But it's only making us realize how hypocritical our love is and has been, and how we simply recycle the same words, delusions and proclamations with everyone.

What is left after all the romantic words and promises have been used? That has always been the main love language for both of us but now every word feels hollow and difficult to take seriously. I insist that he is the only one who ever mattered but it doesn't reach him, and I can't even blame him for it, no matter how intense my feelings are. It often feels like the only way to prove that our love means something anymore is to stick with each other till the end of our lives, unlike we have with anyone else, no matter how bad things are. But it would be nice to make each other feel loved before then. Instead it feels like the universe is laughing at us, saying this is what you get for your promiscuity.

[Roy]

Sorry to be so harsh, but please cut this off before you set yourself up for catastrophic pain. He is a womanizer like you said, he cheated on his wife to be with you, among other women. It's almost guaranteed he's going to or already has done it to you as well.

Take a step back for a second and think of all the lies and rationalizations he's gone through, and that YOU are going through thinking it's going to work or "has" to work because of whatever reasons. The love and passion has probably been deep, I'm not saying it isn't there, but it has also blinded you and made you feel "special".

His wife probably felt "special" too.

It's not going to work no matter how hard you both try, because it's built on a corrupt and decaying foundation 

You need to put yourself first and be alone for a while, and cut him out of your life. Give yourself time to heal before finding something more healthy.

[Byun Sean]

@Arcanus

Watch very carefully the expectations you set on other people and relationships. Expectations are fueled by our own personal needs, not by love. 

 

The both of you might separate in the end but that is ok.

Why? Well look how much you've grown. How different of a person are you to when you both first met. 

 

Relationships are about growing with another person. Not to necessarily always make you happy. Even if you both don't end up with each other

the growth and memories from that relationship will stay with you for the rest of your life.

 

Learn to let go of everything you fear to lose. Only then can you have truly authentic, fulfilling relationships with unconditional love.

 

Why do you really want him to feel special so bad? Yes you probably love him very much but you also have a hidden fear of losing him that your mind is hiding from you operating under the surface.

 

You don't need to do something extra or out of the ordinary. Maybe the best thing you can do for him is being 100 percent honest and yourself about your own thoughts feelings for him even if it means you may lose him. 

 

Real love loves without conditions. Even if it means we lose something, someone, or get hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Byun Sean

[Arcanus]

6 hours ago, Roy said:

Sorry to be so harsh, but please cut this off before you set yourself up for catastrophic pain. He is a womanizer like you said, he cheated on his wife to be with you, among other women. It's almost guaranteed he's going to or already has done it to you as well.

Take a step back for a second and think of all the lies and rationalizations he's gone through, and that YOU are going through thinking it's going to work or "has" to work because of whatever reasons. The love and passion has probably been deep, I'm not saying it isn't there, but it has also blinded you and made you feel "special".

His wife probably felt "special" too.

It's not going to work no matter how hard you both try, because it's built on a corrupt and decaying foundation 

You need to put yourself first and be alone for a while, and cut him out of your life. Give yourself time to heal before finding something more healthy.

I am not offended by the harshness, however I don't find the advice particularly helpful. I know I want to be with this person and work on our relationship.

First of all, you seem to believe the common saying about "Once a cheater, always a cheater", or at least suggest I live by it. You state that this man will cheat on me with ridiculous certainty. People do grow and change and I can attest to that personally as well when it comes to my own past faithfulness or lack thereof vs who I am today.

Ironically you actually misunderstood (or misread, or didn't read very carefully) that I probably feel special, but I actually struggle to feel special to him, just like he struggles to feel special to me. Despite this, rationally I know we are special to one another. That is what this thread is about. How to make each other feel special despite our large past partner count, knowing that we've already used all our favorite romantic moves multiple times on other people. We don't want to feel like we are just copypasting our romantic habits from past relationships. We are of agreement that we need to grow as people so we have more to give than we ever have before. Sometimes it just feels like it isn't happening fast enough, or that I'm not sure which way to best go about it.

I suppose some sort of temporary separation could be an obvious suggestion, but we feel adamant on working on it together. Besides, simply leaving and possibly taking years to oneself isn't really realistic advice if I dream of starting a family in the near upcoming years.

[Username]

Be conscious. I had this insight during a trip. You can only create connection when your aren't lost in thoughts. You have to see him as he is at the moment. When you aren't aware your treat him like a static object. This is the only thing you can do.

[Leo Gura]

@Arcanus It goes way deeper than all that surface stuff. You just need to realize that your relationship with anyone is already 100% unique. You don't have to try to be unique or special because you already are that. Just honor (be conscious of) the uniqueness of every moment and being.

You can build love with ANY aspect of reality, person, or creature. There is no limit to love. The limits are self-imposed by thinking too much inside the box and by fear.

[Roy]

7 hours ago, Arcanus said:

First of all, you seem to believe the common saying about "Once a cheater, always a cheater", or at least suggest I live by it. You state that this man will cheat on me with ridiculous certainty. People do grow and change and I can attest to that personally as well when it comes to my own past faithfulness or lack thereof vs who I am today.

Of course. People learn from their mistakes all the time and should be given a genuine chance. However you also have to know when and how to set proper, healthy boundaries and give yourself the respect to not get used or unnecessarily hurt.

Have you considered that maybe the reason you're finding it hard to connect to each other is because of your unique history and the emotions behind it? You won't be able get rid of that, or bury it. Not that I'm assuming you're trying.

It just seems like this might be the crux of your problem. Trying to brute force your way through the past with love. When the healthy thing to do would be to give each other some more space (or separate if it really can't work).

I wish you the best. 

[Arcanus]

19 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

@Arcanus

The both of you might sparate in the end but that is ok.

Why? Well look how much you've grown. How different of a person are you to when you both first met. 

 

Relationships are about growing with another person. Not to necessarily always make you happy. Even if you both don't end up with each other

the growth and memories from that relationship will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Uh huh, and this is how most relationships are and what all of my past ones have been. In good moods they feel like learning experiences, in bad moods it's hard to see them as anything but mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, any outcome is "ok". However, as I said in a previous post, I would like to start a family soon... And of course I'm attracted to thoughts of growing old together, facing life together and all that. I know it's a sunk cost fallacy, but there's also a part of me that believes that if this relationship doesn't work out, I didn't just waste this past year we've been together, but also the 7 years before it that I spent mentally longing after this person.

But yes, I have grown a lot in this past year and while it's been painful, it's felt very crucial to the rest of my life.

19 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

Why do you really want him to feel special so bad? Yes you probably love him very much but you also have a hidden fear of losing him that your mind is hiding from you operating under the surface.

You don't need to do something extra or out of the ordinary. Maybe the best thing you can do for him is being 100 percent honest and yourself about your own thoughts feelings for him even if it means you may lose him. 

Real love loves without conditions. Even if it means we lose something, someone, or get hurt.

Yes, there's certainly that fear there. But you're right. It feels much easier to even just exist in this relationship, let alone be unconditionally both loving and honest, in moments where I let go of that fear and accept that any outcome is ultimately the one that's meant to be.

11 hours ago, Username said:

Be conscious. I had this insight during a trip. You can only create connection when your aren't lost in thoughts. You have to see him as he is at the moment. When you aren't aware your treat him like a static object. This is the only thing you can do.

(: This is very true. I'll remind myself more of this during our future moments together, thank you.

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Arcanus It goes way deeper than all that surface stuff. You just need to realize that your relationship with anyone is already 100% unique. You don't have to try to be unique or special because you already are that. Just honor (be conscious of) the uniqueness of every moment and being.

You can build love with ANY aspect of reality, person, or creature. There is no limit to love. The limits are self-imposed by thinking too much inside the box and by fear.

I fully agree with all this and it's something that's usually very easy to feel without giving it a second thought. Never before have I struggled with this kind of criticism and doubt towards the novelty of my own love or someone else's. It's strange, especially since in my heart I know how special and different everything is no matter what. At the same time, it's been a truly rude awakening having looked at things critically. I think it's good to be aware of ones own bullshit and this time it's been hard not to let it taint everything else. I know novelty, purity or taintedness are in many ways imaginary concepts, but they are thoughts I've struggled with for a long time and often times it feels like letting go of those struggles would be self-denial or somehow undeserved.
 

5 hours ago, Roy said:

Have you considered that maybe the reason you're finding it hard to connect to each other is because of your unique history and the emotions behind it? You won't be able get rid of that, or bury it. Not that I'm assuming you're trying.

It just seems like this might be the crux of your problem. Trying to brute force your way through the past with love. When the healthy thing to do would be to give each other some more space (or separate if it really can't work).

I wish you the best. 

Yes, that most certainly is the reason. It feels very twisted and ironic to me that we originally connected beautifully years ago because of our darker nature and intensity, but then those two things bite us in the ass when we're actually trying to date and get over our past partners. I'm actually very much in resistance to my past, or past self. In wiser states of mind I know what I need to simply accept and let go of, but this kind of regret and self-loathing is pretty much the main crux of my life. I wrote another post about it on this forum where I go into more detail. But yeah, I have tried to separate from that self, from that past, to bury it and overwrite it. Sigh. Ridiculously enough I know my best days are when I just own it with humility.

Regardless, like @Leo Gura said, I believe you can build love with anyone. Maybe it's very challenging with this person right now, but it hasn't always been that way, and we feel confident that it won't be forever. My man and I have flown from one flower to another all our lives and at this point we just want to lock each other in. We want something permanent, we want a family and we absolutely love each other deeply at the core level. Our love may be insecure or possessive right now but we've chosen to work through it, even if it means... brute forcing through the past.

Thank you for the well wishes and taking the time to comment.

[Arthur]

On 8/22/2020 at 4:12 AM, Arcanus said:

We've tortured ourselves by reading each others old chat logs, journal entries etc, as an attempt to accept each other fully. But it's only making us realize how hypocritical our love is and has been, and how we simply recycle the same words, delusions and proclamations with everyone.

Sounds like you're both clinging to some romance in the past. That experience is recreated and idealized and by your mind. I think you're attached to an idea of each other, rather than the real-life person. Our mind likes to spin stories and fairy tails about a perfect partner who fits into all the boxes, but reality can be very different. It becomes a matter of what you can accept in your partner.

Try to look very objectively at the person you're with. Without any neediness and attachment to the past, decide whether you want to be with this person. Assume they will never change, and things will never go back as they were in the past, will it still be worth it?

[Martin123]

@Arcanus Hi Arcanus, lovely to meet you. I will give you a priceless relationship advice.
Learn about attachment styles and start doing the work! Here is where to start https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/ . 

Find your style, find your partners, and have a talk about it. In time, you will find that your love is wonderful and strong, it is just the expectations and associations we have towards connection and love that tend to make it a little bit of a complicated mess.

[NatureB]

I recently read The Truth by Neil Strauss. Based on your post I recommend you buy it now and read it right away. 

Start looking at your family trauma. Was your father a womanizer? Were you abused emotionally, physically and/or sexually? Were you yelled at and given the message that you don't matter?

"If you are healthy, any relationship you get into will be healthy." And if you aren't healthy, your relationships will reflect that. This probably isn't the first time you've had a similar dynamic in your relationships. Even if it seems unique on the surface, this dynamic must have been played out before for you.

[NatureB]

@Martin123 Have you purchased any of their programs? Or know somebody personally who has? i am looking to do some trauma healing in this area.

[Nobody_Here]

Be present. Be honest. Be real.

I realize that sounds simple and obvious, but try it. Be the most you can be with this person. If it still doesn’t work out, you’ll at least know that you gave it your all.