Holding conversation

[Kiko]

Guys i really strugle with holding conversation and especialy with people that i dont know or barely know.  Sometimes i avoid greeting someone that i know because i just dont know what to say..

What are the things that i have to work and and maybe techniques that i could implement in order to get good and holding conversation going.

I will apreciate your comments and opinions

[Leo Gura]

Talk a lot about yourself. Your life, your goals, your feelings, your opinions. Be narcissistic.

That's what extroverts naturally do.

Don't filter the details of your life. And don't feel an obligation to make sense or be logical.

[Guest EmptyVase]

 

This might be helpful

[Michael569]

8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Talk a lot about yourself. Your life, your goals, your feelings, your opinions. Be narcissistic.

That's what extroverts naturally do.

Don't filter the details of your life. And don't feel an obligation to make sense or be logical.

wouldn't it be better to encourage the other person to talk about themselves instead? People kinda love doing that and it creates a bond between the talkers. But maybe that's just an introvert strategy. 

[Joel3102]

I think encouraging people who are more naturally introverted and chill to be more of an extrovert dancing monkey style can actually be harmful. 

Its more about your level of groundedness and how in your head you are.

 

[nistake]

@Michael569 Initially that's a good strategy, but if one is not self-aware enough, it can quickly become a nice-guy pattern. I used to think the more I encourage the other person to talk, the more they like me which can become a huge-huge trap and it causes so much unnecessary suffering. Speaking from experience.

Asking questions is great and active listening is also appreciated everywhere, but a conversation is supposed to be a 2-way street. Sometimes you just need to talk about yourself and do so in a confident manner, just like Leo says. 

[John Iverson]

17 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Talk a lot about yourself. Your life, your goals, your feelings, your opinions. Be narcissistic.

Is this kind of approach also nice each time you talk to one girl each day? Especially in relationship building where you and your girl communicate each day

Isn't it in that case that the girl gets fed up with that? Like i imagine myself all the time all i can communicate is about myself is something annoying to the girl

[Michael569]

@Cykaaaa @nistake fair enough!

[Kiko]

Thank you for the comments so far guys.

I will apreciate further discussion aswell

[Adam M]

I'm a self-proclaimed master conversation holder.

Tips from the master:

- talk about your surroundings, say the first thing that pops into your mind about any object in your environment

- talk about things you LOVE

- talk about things you HATE

- make assumptions about the other person "You seem smart! Are you a student?"

- compliment people's clothes if you like them

- just literally vomit whatever is on your mind...this might take practice

- SMILE AND MAKE EYE CONTACT

- just express your authentic opinions about anything and everything. HAVE OPINIONS.

 

 

 

[Danioover9000]

@Michael569

14 hours ago, Michael569 said:

wouldn't it be better to encourage the other person to talk about themselves instead? People kinda love doing that and it creates a bond between the talkers. But maybe that's just an introvert strategy. 

   I remember this. Did this come from 'How To Win Friends And Influence People'? One of the strategies is to encourage the other to talk about themselves and listen closely. I think Miyamoto Musashi, in his 'The Five Rings' mentions this too. This is a good approach to do, but also sometimes it's good to lead a conversation as well. A bit of both.

[Danioover9000]

   A more advanced way is to self talk, in meditation, and overtime build a virtual reality where you can talk to other people. This builds mental concentration. Yes, this can't apply in-field, but does it build a lot of mental staying power during conversations.

  And always have the time, before bed, to remember every aspect of the conversation and surroundings, and see what could be done differently. Like mentally review what happened.

[Ananta]

Well, actually the best conversationalist will ask questions of the other person and have sincere interest. When a parallel can be drawn regarding their career, experience, family, whatever and your own you bring that up so that the other person isn't just endlessly talking about themselves.

I can talk for hours with someone who is interested in having a conversation. They don't really need to be interesting, just interested in a back/forth convo, but If someone is too closed off and gives one word replies thats just super boring and rarely holds my (or anyone's) interest. Asking the right questions, at the right time, is a skill I think.

Just my 2 cents

[Bittu]

19 hours ago, Kiko said:

Guys i really strugle with holding conversation and especialy with people that i dont know or barely know.  Sometimes i avoid greeting someone that i know because i just dont know what to say..

What are the things that i have to work and and maybe techniques that i could implement in order to get good and holding conversation going.

I will apreciate your comments and opinions

So basically you want to learn to de-filter yourself. And learn how to become a good conversationalist. Very worthy investment to make!

I think of myself as a skilled conversationalist. And I've had others tell me this as well. So let me share some knowledge for you.

Some guys say you must make her talk, some guys say talk about yourself. I say learn both. Learn how to listen, and how to talk endlessly.

 

The easiest thing you can do when you run out of things to say, is to ask a simple question that's open-ended. So it's not a Yes/No question.

An example would be;

Why did you choose to major in mathematics? <----- THIS IS AN INTERESTING QUESTION

Rather than

What is your major  <------- THIS IS NOT AS GOOD

 

The reason behind this is that

1. Everyone asks whats your major

2.  A "Why Question" actually engages the other person to think about his/her answer for a moment. She actually might have to think about the answer for a few moments. Which is good.

Her answer might be something like

"Well, mathematics was always very interesting to me. When I was younger, I used to play with numbers on my spare time back in my hometown."

 

"Why Questions" are much more effective than simply asking something she can answer with a "Yes", "No", or just with one word.

 

So ask "Why Questions"

 

Next Tip;

Body Language

Start to pay attention to your Body Language and your conversational partners.

When you're building trust with another person, show your hands. Take up space. Speak clearly and loud.

Smile.

Laugh.

Watch how sexy male actors behave in movies. Tony Robbins is a good example too.

"Realize that what you are saying has value simply because it comes from you."

Pickup in the end isn't about what you say. You attract others based on who you are, not what you say.

But, being a good conversationalist is obviously a big big big advantage to have. So get learning! Learn to speak endlessly about yourself and your life, and also learn to listen deeply. I think this is a deadly combination to master.

Good luck!

[mandyjw]

One approach is to really sit with the awkward silence feeling until you're more comfortable with it. Then what you do say will be more spontaneous and less effortful. 

[Farnaby]

23 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

One approach is to really sit with the awkward silence feeling until you're more comfortable with it. Then what you do say will be more spontaneous and less effortful. 

This is an important part of it. But, personally, I've found that it's better to do this on your own (during meditation for example). I've tried it with people and I just get more uncomfortable and less spontaneous as the silence grows longer.

What works for me is to ground myself whenever I'm getting too caught up in my head, hold eye contact with the person, listen to what he/she's saying and if something resonates and I feel the urge to say something, say it without second-guessing myself. Then you can adjust by watching their response to what you said. By observing their reaction, you can kind of know how you're doing. 

I also agree with those who said to find a balance between listening and talking.

For me, one of the most important aspects is to learn to deal with the shame of doing/saying something silly. By doing this, you can become confident in your own imperfection and in my experience, it can make the interaction flow smoothly and become funny. Personally, I prefer people who sometimes do/say silly things and we can all laugh about it over people who are trying hard to seem flawless. 

Working on your body language helps a lot too. Personally, when I'm too much in my head, I tend to "contract", avoid eye contact, look at my phone, etc. Catch yourself if you do these kind of things and try to do the opposite: breathe into your tense body, occupy more space, try to talk a little louder, sustain eye contact and so on.

[Tom T]

 

[Gesundheit]

You don't need to know how to hold a conversation. You only need to drop the belief that you need to know how.

Edited August 21, 2020 by Gesundheit

[The Don]

On 8/20/2020 at 0:18 PM, Leo Gura said:

Talk a lot about yourself. Your life, your goals, your feelings, your opinions. Be narcissistic.

@Leo Gura, can I do that on a date? Is it OK if I'm talking about my passions?

[bejapuskas]

Maybe just be sensitive with the other person and try to sincerely understand them from your heart :))