Insights, Music, And Chicken Poop

[jjer94]

Thanks @West !

Yes, I'm familiar with the bulletproof diet. My diet the past few months was following those lines. While I felt pretty dang good compared to the standard american diet, something still felt off. I was still really constipated, breaking out a lot, and smelly. That's why I switched to this fruit fast. It's only temporary, though. I plan to eat the rest of the vegan staples in a week or two. 

Yeah... hair loss doesn't sound so good. Neither does pooping out green mucus, or literally having tumors burst out of your skin. But those are examples of some of the detox symptoms you may experience when you go on a raw food fast, especially if you store a lot of toxins in your body. Here's the book this is based on.

I'm not going bald; I was exaggerating. Just shedding a lot, almost as much as a normal-shedding dog. The amount of hair I shed in one shower can be rolled into a small ball that fits into the palm of my hand.

Thanks for your concerns! 

[jjer94]

day 8: emotional turmoil.

Yesterday, my dad came down to see me perform in an improv show. We didn't have much time to eat, and I was famished...so we went to a korean restaurant and I broke veganism for a night. Bloated, dehydrated, bad breath, constipated, body's in tension...yeah, I think I'm sticking with veganism.

I've lost a lot of water and colon weight over the past week on this raw fast. My skin's cleared up a lot, and my energy feels wonderful. But there's one new side effect that's surfaced: emotional turmoil.

Anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, feelings of helplessness...all of these dark feelings are surfacing. All demons from the past. All the things I've been running from. 

I grew up as the youngest of three. My oldest brother has autism, so my parents had to pay more attention to him. My middle brother was a talkative extrovert who wanted me to be like him. Feelings of unworthiness were inevitable, which is why I went to video games to feel worthy. My parents forced me to make "playdates" with people I didn't want to hang out with, which only made things worse. 

This "something is wrong with me" programming set me up for social failure. In eighth grade, my good friend and his friend group ditched me. Freshman year, a new group of friends ditched me. Sophomore year, another group. Junior year, three girls friend-zoned and lost interest in me. Senior year, I had my chance but blew it again. Freshman year of college, friend-zoned again by a girl. Sophomore year, two girls. Junior year, my friend at the time assaulted me and killed himself after skipping the court date that I got him into. Last year, I was people-pleasing two alcoholics on a homestead.

It's no wonder that I made this vow to myself: fuck people. I want nothing to do with them. They're just going to abandon me. I can do everything myself. Leo says that I don't need friends. All the more reason to be a hermit.

Now it's come to bite me in the ass.

I yearn for connection. Face-to-face connection. There's no denying it anymore.

Now I see, there's nothing wrong with people. What's wrong is how I view myself: unlovable, undeserving of people's time, a dishonest people-pleaser that needs to have everyone like him. This wound goes so deep, the karmic cycle has been repeating itself for years, and I have no idea how to break it. I'm lost, lonely, and broken. I feel like I can't accomplish anything if I'm still operating from this programming, especially if I want to pursue music. I need to heal.

Healing the body seems to be a step in the right direction. So I'm going to continue with this fruit fast. 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2017 by jjer94

[Dragallur]

@jjer94 Wow, what you shared here!.. Good luck jjer

[jjer94]

day 12: what goes down, must come up.

So it's been almost two weeks since I started my all-raw experiment. I broke it on day 7, 8, and 12 (today). Here's what I've seen so far:

• No bloating. Ugh! Finally! Meals that actually sit well!
• Skin clearing. My skin's got a nice glow even only after two weeks of doing this.
• Energy. Lots and lots of it. Still sleeping 8+ hours per night, but feeling ready to tackle the day's activities.
• Focus. Concentration abilities, especially through meditation, have improved.
• Pooping. At least twice per day. I don't know where it's all coming from. Such a nice change from the constipation.
• Emotional turmoil. As mentioned in my previous post.
• Hair loss. A lot in the beginning, not as much now.
• Allergies gone. Just like that. It's incredible. After years and years and years of itchy eyes and clogged sinuses in the spring, there's none of that on this diet. Also, I was previously allergic to avocados. I ate one the other day. No reactions!
• Compassion/empathy. This is the weirdest one. It almost feels like I'm in the transition from stage orange to green, if we're talking spiral dynamics. I have this untapped empathy within me, this urge to give and ask for nothing in return. 

I feel so good on this diet that I think I'm going to stick with it, incorporating more sprouted nuts and seeds as I go. Speaking of, I sprouted some lentils the other day for the first time. Amazing!!!!

And as for the emotional turmoil...what goes down, must come up. I gave a girl my phone number the other week. She finally called me back. We're going to some free-form dance thing on Sunday. 

Law of attraction much? Here I was, praying to find a tribe, learning to accept myself, and along comes this opportunity. I'm looking forward to seeing what unfolds.

[Huz]

Hey bro, what's your diet?

[jjer94]

@Huz For the past couple weeks, I was eating strictly raw fruits and vegetables as an experiment. After losing ten pounds, I figure it may be a good idea to start incorporating some other staples

Here's what my diet consists of at the moment:

• Breakfast: A shitton of fruit (For instance, this morning it was a pint of blackberries, blueberries, and five pears) + a green smoothie (right now it's kale, parsley, rhubarb, ginger, lemon juice and almond butter. Probably going to add some flaxseed in the future)
• Lunch: A shitton of bananas (I can only eat 6 in one sitting right now, but I'm working up to 10)
• Dinner: A massive salad with raw nut yogurt dressing + starchy stuff (sprouted lentils, sprouted quinoa, cooked rice and beans, potatoes, yams)

So the diet's "raw till 4"-ish. I also do time-restricted eating, a minimum 12-hour fast.

All of this may change as I continue to experiment. 

Edited May 9, 2017 by jjer94

[Huz]

Wow, who would have known. This seems like such a different diet to the one I am eating now. I wanna try this out. Basically fruit, nuts and veg. 

Do you excersise on this diet? If so what training and intensity do you work at?

[jjer94]

@Huz It does seem radical to those who are not familiar with the raw movement. Only a couple months ago I was eating strictly Paleo!

If you've been eating close to the Standard American Diet, it may be a good idea to transition into this. Jumping right into it can cause a relapse. Start by going vegetarian for a couple weeks, then eliminate all animal products after a month, then eliminate cooked breakfasts and lunches, etc.

As for exercise, yes. My day job involves several hours of low-intensity walking, and yesterday I did a high-intensity weightlifting workout.

If you'd like to learn more about veganism and raw foods, I wrote a post on the previous page listing a bunch of resources. Cheers!

[jjer94]

fake change versus real change.

Fake change is spraying a stuffed garbage can with perfume. 

You temporarily solve the stink problem. But eventually, the perfume wears off, and the smell gets worse.

You don't consider taking out the trash, because that's too unpleasant and labor-intensive. So you buy more perfume and continue spraying... until you run out again. The cycle continues until you can no longer afford any more perfume.

Real change is when you take out the trash. It's unpleasant; it's labor intensive; it's what you've been avoiding. But once it's done, it's done. The smell is gone for good. You don't need to waste time and money buying any more perfume.

Real change occurs when the pain of settling for less than what you're capable exceeds the pain of taking action. 

You may spray perfume for a long time before reaching this point. You may not even realize that you're spraying. 

But one day, you'll run out of perfume, and the following ultimatum remains: take out the trash or suffocate.

[jjer94]

international shenanigans.

I'm leaving in two days for a trip to Ireland, and then ten days later, a family trip to Peru.

I look forward to seeing what new perspectives will come from travel. I'm not looking forward to the eight-hour time difference and 14,000-feet elevation difference between Ireland and Peru. Jet lag AND altitude sickness? Oh boy...

I'm starting to implement breathing exercises alongside meditation, based on the information in this book, which I highly recommend for anyone interested in self-actualization. So many gold nuggets in that book. 

Upon returning from this trip, I'm going to start a super secret detox program...

 

 

[Vaishnavi]

@jjer94 the real pain transpires when you become aware that you're using the perfume to avoid the trash, but then you continue to do it anyway because facing the shit is too painful.

Nice work though.  I really   appreciate your courage to open up and freely talk about your experiences, especially the unpleasant ones. 

[99th_monkey]

good luck pond jumping my friend. i hope everything goes smoothly

[jjer94]

pond jumping, part 1.

I'm finally back to some semblance of sanity after three weeks of insanity. Ten days in Ireland, ten days in Peru.

Seriously, I was beginning to go insane. It wasn't because I was away from home, nor was it because of the layovers and long travel times. It was due mainly to lack of alone time and dietary options.

No offense to the Irish, but your food totally sucks, especially for vegetarians/vegans. Hardly any fresh produce; all deep fried processed potato-ey constipating foods. The group that I was with also provided too much food. My constipation was so bad that I looked pregnant; I'm surprised nobody asked me if I was. Being incredibly constipated reminded me of my hellishly miserable school years. I have no doubts now: an unhappy body is an unhappy psyche.

Then there was the group I was with. The three other millenials I roomed with were so shallow that even the Irish puddles were saying, "Dayum son!" Is this really what it's come to? Snapchatting every single fucking moment of your life? Filling every waking moment with noise? Gossiping about the Kardashians and the people sitting next to you? I know I sound condescending. But my God, I'm concerned. More and more, I feel like a stranger in a strange land, and Leo's recent episode on loneliness really resonates. I also think of this scene from Wall-E.

I went to Ireland for a songwriting workshop, hoping that it could give me some clarity on my relationship with music. It did, but not in the way I hoped.

The workshop felt like a break-up. I've spent the past three years seriously building my music and songwriting skills, but now I realize that it's not what I want to do full-time. I hate traditional songwriting. I feel like a charlatan whenever I do it. This workshop reminded me of my social studies classes in primary school, which I always hated. I was a math/science guy in school. The insight I gleaned is this: I'm primarily a musician, not a songwriter. I'm an emotional engineer, not a storyteller. I listen to music less for the lyrics and more for the musicality. 

For the past three years, the universe has been beating me down, telling me not to be a performing artist. I don't feel built for it. I'm extremely introverted, don't resonate with most people, and most people don't resonate with me. I went into music for music's sake, not for a sense of impact on others. Now I'm craving that sense of impact, and music's not giving it to me. The next insight: music probably won't be my full-time job. I can see myself having an online following and doing busking/local gigs, but no more than that.

The blog's also been an interesting experiment, but I feel it burning out as well. I figure I'll keep writing here and ditch the blog.

Along with "Follow your bliss," I received some solid advice from one of the songwriters who led the group. "If it ain't 'Hell yeah!' then it's 'No'", she said. Well, songwriting and the blog are not a "hell yeah" anymore, and no amount of listening to music/reading has reignited the fire. 

I purposely paused on the Life Purpose Course because of how volatile I've been lately. To be expected as a clueless twenty-something...

 

Edited June 8, 2017 by jjer94

[99th_monkey]

Dont stomp out your own dreams

 

[jjer94]

pond jumping, part whoops; OR, the fast track.

I thought I would need a part 2 to talk about Peru, but now I don't feel like talking about Peru. It was fun, challenging, and frustrating just like Ireland. The Inca Trail was the best part: 27 miles of hiking in 14000ft elevation for 4 days straight. Woohoo!

What I feel like writing about is this past week. It was a doozy. A big, frothy, emotional doozy served with a side of fifteen pounds of shit. Literally.

This forum, and Actualized.org in general, is heavily focused on psychological and spiritual development. It's easy to overlook the physical. But there's something I've learned over this week: Your body, psyche, spirit, and emotions are intimately connected. They all must detox together. Trying to spiritually develop yourself without cleaning up your diet is like trying to get clean in a sewer. Not likely.

Along with the transition to raw veganism, which has been incredible, I've been experimenting with fasting. If you don't know anything about fasting, I suggest doing some research on it. Fasting has been used for thousands of years as a method of physical and spiritual purification. 

Last week, I did a special juice fast. A super secret one. One that flies in the face of convention. Now that I've survived nine days, I figure now I feel confident enough to advertise it.

It's called the master fast. They also have a facebook group. A warning though: If you want to do it, make sure you follow every step. Yes, that means getting their herbal tinctures. They're expensive, but they last 60-90 days, and they're super potent. Overall, the expenses for the fast match food expenses. 

If your body is a theatre, digestion is the stage performance, and fasting is the janitorial staff. For most people, the show is always happening. The problem is that the stage gets pretty messy after awhile. When you fast, the show stops, and janitors start cleaning up the stage. When this happens, you experience a bunch of physical cleansing reactions all classified as "detoxification." Not only do old physical ailments reveal themselves again, but old emotions as well. Like I mentioned before, physical and emotional are intimately connected.

Prolonged fasting has a psychedelic effect, as it is a "fast track" to your deepest darkest inner demons. Demons you thought you got rid of a long time ago. Demons that claw and gnaw at you. 

If you eat cooked food, you can guarantee that you have a food addiction. Don't believe me? Try fasting for yourself. The first couple days were brutal for me. Cravings galore! I wanted cheeseburgers, pizza, and mac and cheese. A barbeque smell outside reminded me of the days when I'd fry hotdogs over the fire with my grandfather in our house's backyard, and I started to cry. That's when I realized how most of the foods we eat cover up the memories and identities that we cling to.

I realized that gnawing feeling in the lower navel area that we call "hunger" is really a withdrawal effect from not eating cooked food. Real hunger is a salivation of the throat/mouth.

After day 2, the gnawing feeling diminished greatly, and I experienced a comfortable emptiness. Enemas and colonics are a part of the protocol. I could not BELIEVE what came out of my bum. Pounds and pounds and pounds of this dark rubbery stuff they call "mucoid plaque." Stuff that cakes to the intestines due to years and years of eating acidic, mucus-forming foods. Which is pretty much everything besides fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.

Overall, I lost 15 pounds of colon weight, and that's only the beginning. I suspect there's at least 20 more pounds of that stuff to go. Which is scary, considering how thin I already am. 

But man oh man. After this week, I feel so much more at ease. Meditation is easier, journaling is easier, life is more colorful. The suicidal thoughts are not as heavy as they used to be. I don't look like I have a pregnant belly anymore. Everything feels a little less like Sisyphus and that fucking boulder. 

[jjer94]

I stopped pretending.

I stopped pretending to be an enlightened person.

I stopped pretending to be the fool on the hill, looking down at the "unenlightened peasants" with their petty human ways. In reality, I am the unenlightened peasant.

I stopped pretending that I know everything and everyone else is clueless. In reality, I'm the clueless twenty-something. I get most of my information from books and furiously masturbate my mind. I can't even turn off the monkey mind after a year of meditating 35 minutes per day. I think that I can somehow live on this hermit tower and get paid for parroting information instead of getting real-world experience among the "clueless chimps."

I stopped pretending to dislike humanity. In reality, I dislike myself. I'm not particularly dislikable, but my programming can't help it. In reality, I'm afraid of people because of what they've done to me in the past. I don't want to be hurt for the thousandth time, so naturally, I avoid them like the plague and prefer to die slowly from lack of connection. The Internet is my Wilson.

I stopped pretending that enlightenment should be my top priority right now. In reality, it's just a cop out to avoid my more pressing problems. 

I stopped pretending that I don't have problems because "problems are just thoughts." In reality, I'm lonely, lost, impotent, and a little depressed. I'm starved for connection, haven't picked up my guitar since Ireland, and have been struggling to getting out of bed. I've forgotten how to make friends and what it means to be a friend. I'm scared because I have no sex drive, not even to masturbate. I have no idea where I'm going or what the hell I'm doing once the lease runs out at the end of August. I beat myself up for not finding my "Life Purpose." God forbid I never do, then my life won't be extraordinary as Leo says it will be. Another reason to beat myself up.

I stopped pretending that I'm being productive by endlessly watching educational Youtube videos. I'm just being busy. I'm filling my days with the illusion of getting somewhere to avoid the fact that I'm sitting on my ass getting nowhere. I'm barely surviving on the limited social nutrition of the Internet, instead of living on the sustenance of real human connection.

I stopped pretending that I'm content. I'm not. I hate this dinky studio apartment. I hate the noise pollution. The train that honks its horn at 2 in the morning right outside my window every night. The fucking fridge that turns on its roaring cooler every 20 minutes. The lack of light, the toxic carpet, the toxic yellow water, the crippling desolation and dissatisfaction in knowing that I could respect myself enough to make friends and actually do something, but instead I choose this because I don't respect myself enough. My thoughts reflect my circumstances.

But no matter what, there's this innate kernel of faith in me. I see it in others too. The amazing, utterly human faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. That even in the darkest of nights, we know the dawn is coming.

I stopped pretending that I'm an adult. In reality, I'm just a kid with some growing up to do.