Advice PreeZ! Job or no...?

[Matt23]

So, I'm in a spot where...

- I could get a job which may be a bit demanding considering I'll be starting school in September, have experienced pretty significant and regular mental health and emotional issues. 

-this job isn't financially necessary for me at the moment.  Though, it never hurts financially to make some extra cash.

- It's serving, which is one of the better jobs I've had previously.

- I feel that, my ego is not wanting to do it in a "lowly" type of way.  

- If I didn't do it, I imagine feeling like this one time when I was really young, my grandpa brought me to the circus and there was an opportunity to ride some elephants.  Out of fear I said I didn't want to ride them, but I actually truly really wanted to.  I regretted that a lot and felt super bad about that.  I felt like I missed an opportunity that would never happen again.

- I don't know how much the line above is playing into this, but there's a sense that it's being lesser-than I could be, or not fully pursuing Life if I don't.  Like I wouldn't be making the most of life.  

- On the other hand, thinking about where I've been and am in life (emotional issues bordering on unbearableness, not really needing money, university coming up; being the main ones), it doesn't make logical sense, nor, from another perspective, does it seem super wise (though that's debatable), and thinking about Leo's video on hoe life unfolds in Chapters, I'd peg myself in the "slower" stage of healing, thinking about life, taking time off, etc..

 

I guess I feel it's hard for me to make this choice since I feel I'll be spiritually hurt, deeply, if I don't do it, and if I do do it, I'll be overwhelmed and even more miserable...  Strangely, from my POV right now, the latter seems less painful but in the long-run, I don't know.

It's like if I do it, I feel i'm pounding myself hard or something.  Like I'd be pounding myself into the ground a bit.  If I imagine doing it, I get a big ego-backlash thinking about it.  Like "UGGGHH!  Fuck You!" types of shit.  Like I'm pushing myself too hard.

But also, there's a part of me that feels like I'd be not living up to myself or ideals or "Life" energy or something, if I didn't do it.

 

Thoughts?

Persepctives?

I'm trying to do my best at listening to myself here, but I find listening to other persepctives can sometimes help as well.  Bouncing things off.

Also, just writing this may be helping somehow. 

Cheers.

 

[Matt23]

A dichotomy I'm seeing is (from Leo's life advice for young people part 2 which, I think, kind of maps on to how I sort of feel about this) ...

- Don't overload your schedule (this is where I perhaps feel like I'd be lesser than if I did it, but logically and cognitively it seems probably more likely to be the case)

vs.

-Commit to challenging yourself (this is where i'm definitely feeling the "life spirit")

 

The idea just struck me that, since I realize I probably have tons of trauma, I find it difficult to distinguish between authentic intuition/inner-calling and yearnings or "intuitions" coming from trauma.     I'm not claiming that this is that whole issue, but that it's probably a part of it.  Another aspect of the issue could be that my mind simply doesn't have the ability to completely grasp the complexities of life such that knowing which choice is best may be beyond my intuition, mind, and body-mind system.

 

[fridjonk]

34 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

-Commit to challenging yourself (this is where i'm definitely feeling the "life spirit")

 

I'd opt for this one. If you feel like you start to hit the limiter, then you can always quit the job. 

I really like Jordan Peterson's view on men wanting responsibility in life by lifting a heavy load. 

Make life a little challenging, to have some meaning since there's nothing else to do. 

[Matt23]

@fridjonkI told her I wouldn't take the job.  I feel great about it  !  Feels kind to me.  Freeing.  Thanks for the advice though.  

 

[fridjonk]

7 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

I feel great about it

That's all that matters.