I seek guidance. After experiencing a very dark phase I feel pessimistic and abandone

[Nightwise]

Hi.

Perhaps I'm finally willing to write about this.

For the past couple of months I've gone very, very deep into suffering and despair. I had hoped I could never go this deep. I don't want to bother going into details, but it was really, really painful, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Things seem to be getting better now, but instead of feeling glad that I seem to be past the worst, I just feel pessimistic and negative about the future, and I feel a sense of abandonment and a background feeling of hopelessness. I used to much more feel or at least think that I was being guided and protected. I don't feel so guided and protected anymore now... Instead, I just feel very much left to my own device, with a mind that seems out of control in a very confusing world.

I can't make sense of it. Some things seem to have indeed changed, or perhaps changed a bit, but even then it doesn't feel to be so significant if my mind still carries me along. I've heard recommendations about doing meditation, but I do this whilst walking because sitting still I get too confused, distracted or agitated. Beyond that, trying to meditate feels almost useless and pointless.

I just seek guidance, honestly. My dream would be that I could seek refuge with a wise guide or guru that has been through similar experiences that I have been through where I can feel understood, protected and guided. Right now, I'm slowly crawling my way back up it seems, but I fear that it would only be building myself back up to have another breakdown again some time in the future. I've had mental breakdowns in 2013, 2017 and this year in 2020. The fact that there was only 3 years in between my current breakdown and the one in 2017, and opposed to 4 years between 2017 and 2013, that fact scares me. The fact that this breakdown was also deeper and more painful and basically got me so frightened that it broke down my integrity that I still felt like I could keep in 2017, that also really has scared me.

I know the past may not need to determine the future. I know there may still very well be possibilities for me. I know you can also look at it in a way that instead of you falling down many times, you can also argue that you get back up every time.

But this breakdown has so much shook me and traumatized me. I feel so weak, defeated and vulnerable. I used to think I was strong and capable enough to overcome the challenges that life threw on my path. I used to think I was capable of having a bright future further down the line. I used to have a lot more hope and faith. I don't feel that same way anymore... I feel defeated, pessimistic. I don't feel very much safe and guided anymore like I used to feel and think. I used to think there was a higher plan to everything... Well... I don't think I like that plan so much anymore and I don't really feel like surrendering myself to whatever plan there may or may not be.

I wish I could say I had a lot of trust and faith in God. I wish I could say I could see a lot of value in this darkness that I've experienced. I wish I could say I was optimistic for my future possibilities. I wish I could say i feel like a changed and transformed person now... But I don't feel that way at all. I acknowledge that indeed some things have changed, or may have changed, but overall I just can't seem to really give any value to what has happened to me, and it only makes me feel pessimistic about the future.

Well, this is at least how I feel about it right now. We will see how it proceeds, what may or may not start to form, but I really just want to make sense of what happened.

Can you guys help me with this? Have you gone through a similair experience? Or do you have any perspective or advice on what has happened to me that you think could be helpful? How can I make sense of this? How can I start feeling something of hope and optimism again? How can I better give context to what happened to me? I wish I could feel it was all part of a greater divine plan, but what I feel is abandonment and as if I'm being left to experience suffering that is out of my control to do much if anything about it.

Where do I go from here?

Many thanks. Send me a private message if you want to.

Otherwise, maybe you have some good autobiographies to recommend of people that I can read who have just like me also gone through some very dark phases and also managed to find their way through to the other side.

I just need context, guidance, inspiration.

Edited August 17, 2020 by Nightwise

[Samjc543]

Hey

It's really brave to open up like you have and I respect your honesty. I don't know the specifics of what's going on for you so I thought I'd just attach some content that might help put some of the breakdown stuff into a different, perhaps healthier perspective. I highly recommend checking out the school of life channel on Youtube as it has fantastic content regarding mental health and the human condition. The JBP content helped me a lot in putting my struggles and anxiety into a healthier context and helped provide a good map for living a more balanced life (test your opendmindedness with the bible series )

 

Wish you the best

[allislove]

Is there any Muay Thai section nearby to you? Muay Thai as a hobby would help significantly. It'd help to be present more often, less flying in the pessimistic thoughts.

[bejapuskas]

7 minutes ago, allislove said:

Is there any Muay Thai section nearby to you? Muay Thai as a hobby would help significantly. It'd help to be present more often, less flying in the pessimistic thoughts.

I second this, any sport that's challenging for you probably, it keeps you focused on the present, without any bullshit and other concepts, overthinking. Don't worry about god, divine plan or whatever, they are words. You don't need to look, maybe the looking for is the issue for you at this moment.

[kag101]

Your testimonial touched me. I could relate to many things you wrote, as I suffer from recurrent depression.

It would be helpful to know some more detail about your "breakdown" (that can mean a lot of things). Did you get psychotic? Were you using any type of mind-altering substances? Did you feel a complete lack of vitality?

 

I understand this feeling of abandonment you must be feeling right now. Mental illness is an extremely isolating thing. A feeling of deep loneliness. Firstly because my natural self goes away. And secondly because I can't connect with someone else in that state. I feel deeply misunderstood. When I'm in that state, I can have moments of brief reliefs by talking about what I'm feeling with someone I trust, but the pain is still there and will overwhelm me sooner or later. 

The thing about mental illness is, as with almost all other illnesses, it tends to get worse overtime. One common misconception people have about it is that someone who, for example, has depression is always depressive. No. It's a cyclical thing. And, unfortunately, the more time passes without treatment (or with inadequate treatment), the worse it gets. That is, the periods of stability get shorter and shorter, and the periods of crisis longer and longer.

 

I want to share my personal experience with you.

I had to reach rock bottom to seek scientifically-proven methods. I used to be heavily against medication. I thought they didn't work, that they would make me feel artificially happy, and deep down I didn't think depression was a real thing. I spent more than 10 years trying to self-heal, and it was a waste of time. I'd get better for a while, then... I would eventually fall on my ass even harder.

I thought that feeling an existential emptiness was part of being an adult, and that the lack of will power was actually that I was just a lazy guy. Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

It took me a while to find a good psychiatrist. But I am so glad I found the one I'm with right now. He had to up the dosage twice before depression completely subsided. And, man... a huge weight was lifted off of me. it's like I'm a different person. Actually, I am now who I always was supposed to be. My soul is back inside my body, so to speak.

To me, it's like the difference between having the flu x not having the flu.

 

In a way, I feel like having gone through so much darkness, pain, and confusion has given me a deeper sense of compassion, sensibility, and even wisdom. But it's just one of those things that I simply don't want to go through again, and I'll do whatever is in my power to prevent it from happening.

I had a minor relapse a month ago. I felt depressed for 3 days, and it was hell. I got used to feeling normal, so when that happened, the contrast was so intense. I was like, "OMG, I can't believe I'm going through this again. NO!" I immediately contacted my doctor, and we figured out what triggered it.

 

Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist? If so, how did that go?

 

All the best ?

[Nightwise]

 @kag101

Thanks for sharing your story Kag. I don't like the idea of it being able to return. Right now I just really want to find some story of someone who was able to overcome mental illness using willpower or determination or whatever. 

Perhaps we can chat privately. I really so much desire just some context to deal with what happened and the life situation I am in in general

[bejapuskas]

@Nightwise  What type of mental illness do you mean? I get it, it might seem like you are alone when you are in the middle of the storm, but trust me, there are many people on this forum who have gone through crazy things and might be able to relate.

[Nahm]

@Nightwise

Was right where you are my man. Started meditating properly every single morning, and occasionally again in the afternoon. No longer feared feeling. Instead, felt, and thus, Awoke. Then experimented with psychedelics etc. 

Kintsugi of your golden self.  

[kag101]

On 18/08/2020 at 5:29 PM, Nightwise said:

Thanks for sharing your story Kag. I don't like the idea of it being able to return. Right now I just really want to find some story of someone who was able to overcome mental illness using willpower or determination or whatever. 

Dude, no amount of willpower can cure it. That could be the case for someone who had one depressive episode, but if it's recurrent, then medication is needed. It's a battle one cannot win. It's you vs. your biochemistry.

Trying to overcome mental illness through determination is like someone who has diabetes trying to stabilize his insulin by, idk, thinking positively. It can't be done.

I was in denial about this for a looong time. I tried virtually all alternative methods, but sooner or later I'd fall on my ass. And, seriously, sometimes I get angry towards myself for not trying to find a good psychiatrist earlier... I lost like 8 years of my life, and I had to go much unnecessary suffering... (sigh)

Edited August 24, 2020 by kag101

[Nahm]

17 hours ago, kag101 said:

It can't be done

For you. 

[susanyzm]

On 2020/8/18 at 1:28 AM, Samjc543 said:

Hey

It's really brave to open up like you have and I respect your honesty. I don't know the specifics of what's going on for you so I thought I'd just attach some content that might help put some of the breakdown stuff into a different, perhaps healthier perspective. I highly recommend checking out the school of life channel on Youtube as it has fantastic content regarding mental health and the human condition. The JBP content helped me a lot in putting my struggles and anxiety into a healthier context and helped provide a good map for living a more balanced life (test your opendmindedness with the bible series )

 

Wish you the best

This video is so vivid! I truly identify with it.

I've been shutting part of myself down for years until it cannot be hidden anymore. I did not have a serious breakdown, but became very reclusive, shutting everyone out of my life.

I couldn't make sense of my life. I did not understand how I ran myself to the ground. All my self worth and image broke into pieces. It was a very dark place to be.

But this is exactly the purpose of a breakdown: to force you to look inward and love the exiled parts back. 

So, I made a wish even though my mind didn't believe it at all: "I want to live a happy life."

It seemed that the universe was driving me to the corner to force me to ask for a good life (believe it or not, as often as people claim that they want to be happy, they are terrified of being happy!).

This simple wish has been attracting all the resources I need (including many of Leo's videos that I used to undervalue and this forum) ever since. 

The gem is hidden beneath the darkness. This I believe.