How To Deal With Argumentative People?

[Rilles]

I have a close family member that is very argumentative and gets heated when I offer a differing opion on certain topics, he also doesnt listen to my needs and wants so I frequently have to just give up and do as he pleases. I really love the guy but its hard to work on myself because I feel like Im being a doormat but at the same I hate arguing with him because his anger is pretty damn frightening. What would you do?

Short: Family member is argumentative and has an anger management problem.

Edited August 16, 2020 by Rilles

[wavydude]

Ask your self why do you want to argue with him ? Maybe he is right about something that you don't see in yourself yet? What's keeping you there ?

If he started to argue with you that dogs have wings would you still argue with him or just walk away ?

[Espaim]

The best way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with them.

Can you stop talking with that person? Does he has some power over you like you depend on him for your housing or food or anything else?

I dealt with shitty friends in the past to being more and more absent until they get the message. Being short on my responses and showing no interest in their affairs. Of course, this is my last course of action. I first try to talk it through. From your post I can see this probably won't work.

1 hour ago, Rilles said:

I frequently have to just give up and do as he pleases.

Here it's you who is lacking a backbone. You don't have to do as he pleases unless he holds some sort of power over your life like I asked you above. Even then...

Edited August 16, 2020 by Espaim

[Natasha]

@Rilles Sorry to break this to you, but you are co-dependent to a toxic/narcissistic person. Disengagement would be the best option if you don't want to keep spiraling down emotionally and psychologically. The solution for a co-dependent is healthy self-love, which includes boundaries. When you learn to love yourself, you won't have the need to hang out around low vibration people

[Rilles]

29 minutes ago, Natasha said:

@Rilles Sorry to break this to you, but you are co-dependent to a toxic/narcissistic person. Disengagement would be the best option if you don't want to keep spiraling down emotionally and psychologically. The solution for a co-dependent is healthy self-love, which includes boundaries. When you learn to love yourself, you won't have the need to hang out around low vibration people

Hes definitely NOT a narcissist. I do think he has some toxic anger issues though when somebody confronts him or he doesnt get his way and I have co-dependency issues which i need to/am working on.  thanks  

Maybe some narc tendencies but then again I dont really count anger issues as narcissism, you would have to fulfill atleast 8/10 of the narcissism criteria to be that. 

1 hour ago, Espaim said:

The best way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with them.

Can you stop talking with that person? Does he has some power over you like you depend on him for your housing or food or anything else?

Not an option... hes not actually a friend, hes a family member, didnt want to break it to people here lol. 

I dealt with shitty friends in the past to being more and more absent until they get the message. Being short on my responses and showing no interest in their affairs. Of course, this is my last course of action. I first try to talk it through. From your post I can see this probably won't work.

Here it's you who is lacking a backbone. You don't have to do as he pleases unless he holds some sort of power over your life like I asked you above. Even then...

So this is a lesson for me to get a backbone... a blessing in disguise. 

 

Edited August 16, 2020 by Rilles

[Espaim]

If he is a family member then it's a more nuanced issue. you mentioned it was a friend and I think that on friends you can certainly be way more assertive and aggressive than family members if they are being toxic.

On this matter I can't really help you as I have no experience but I had plenty of shitty friendships already for my 20 years as a human.

I wish you good luck!!

Edited August 16, 2020 by Espaim

[Natasha]

@Rilles I didn't say narcissist, but narcissistic personality. Some of the telltales of a narcissistic personality also include lack of empathy and seeing things in black and white. Your friend seems to have those. The narcissistic scale is wide, every person has those traits in various degrees. There also could be mixed with borderline, OCD, etc. We're not trying to diagnose anyone, but to help you preserve your psychological wellbeing and that means learning to discern energies around you and how to best respond to them. You're on the right track 

[Rilles]

2 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Rilles I didn't say narcissist, but narcissistic personality. Some of the telltales of a narcissistic personality also include lack of empathy and seeing things in black and white. Your friend seems to have those. The narcissistic scale is wide, every person has those traits in various degrees. There also could be mixed with borderline, OCD, etc. We're not trying to diagnose anyone, but to help you preserve your psychological wellbeing and that means learning to discern energies around you and how to best respond to them. You're on the right track 

Hes not unempathetic! Hes just hot-tempered! His energy does make me quite tense and nervous when Im around him. 

[Natasha]

2 hours ago, Rilles said:

Hes not unempathetic!

 

7 hours ago, Rilles said:

he also doesnt listen to my needs

That would qualify for the lack of empathy. Empathic people consider other people's needs and feelings.

[Rilles]

25 minutes ago, Natasha said:

 

That would qualify for the lack of empathy. Empathic people consider other people's needs and feelings.

Ok let me clarify, its more like... He thinks he knows whats best for me and its hard for me to explain exactly what I feel and getting him to tune into my feelings, I feel invalidated occasionaly. Love the dude though, this stuff doesnt happen all the time, its just something that comes up from time to time. 

Our dads a full blown narcissist so I can see some traits that have gotten transferred, i think thats just natural, maybe I have some narcissisitic traits too that im not aware of, who knows, im definitely co-dependent

Edited August 16, 2020 by Rilles

[Natasha]

@Rilles That's fine. Just be aware of the energy dynamics between the two of you and work on your self-love and boundaries. Staying in a state of cognitive dissonance can really play trick on your psyche in in the long run. Also, read on trauma bonding that you might be taking as love towards your friend. Co-dependent love is more about control and is rooted in trauma. Very sneaky stuff indeed. So stay informed and psychologically equipped. Knowledge is power.

[Rilles]

11 minutes ago, Natasha said:

@Rilles That's fine. Just be aware of the energy dynamics between the two of you and work on your self-love and boundaries. Staying in a state of cognitive dissonance can really play trick on your psyche in in the long run. Also, read on trauma bonding that you might be taking as love towards your friend. Co-dependent love is more about control and is rooted in trauma. Very sneaky stuff indeed. So stay informed and psychologically equipped. Knowledge is power.

I can definitely see that the closer you are to someone the harder it is to see their faults, especially when you need them/have deep bonds with them. Its hard to criticize... I will try to be as fair as possible.

[Nahm]

It’s really difficult for one person to argue. ?

[DIDego]

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

It’s really difficult for one person to argue. ?

Bingo argument 

 

@Rilles 

 

 

 

9 hours ago, Rilles said:

Hes not unempathetic! Hes just hot-tempered! His energy does make me quite tense and nervous when Im around him. 

Narcissistic are wide spectrum, can go back and forth, people can easily behave very narcissistic under stress and fear, are easy used word to often and used to easy when people label people.

To guess wild and try give advice remotely are not that simple.

I hope you do build a good and wide knowledge, doing the research deep that are needed before to do any conclusion at all.

It can take many years to really understand the big picture to be able label someone to be fully narcissistic and still not be sure, because if it are true, you can be so f**cked up programmed so you maybe not able to be sure , takes a painful process to really accept, that probably maybe was raised  of a narcissistic parent. 

If your family member you argue with had parenthood from narcissistic parent, then you might have a complex problem that you cant do anything about without a miracle. 

And if you also maybe have got affected of the narcissistic abuse during  a long time, then you have to go deep into that and try check so you dont have got programmed deep also.

Get the big-picture well, before that, dont hurt yourself to try fix anyone involved, only focus to heal yourself first so you are strong and can see reality without filter.

Hope this are understandable.

 

• Covid-19 have been a weird roller-coaster for many people, so many can have a hard time with temper.

 

• Link two fast example, do you recognize anything of these.
• https://youwillbearwitness.com/2019/02/16/is-narcissism-inherent-to-the-patriarchy/
• https://themindsjournal.com/the-narcissistic-family-tree/

 

 

 

Edited August 17, 2020 by DIDego

[bejapuskas]

@Rilles  I think I understand what you mean. My dad has been like that since I was a kid, he never changed. I wouldn't say I have completely fixed this issue in the sense that we still engage in conflict sometimes, but his personality has taught me many things about myself and about love. Later on in my life I realized this issue probably has roots in him being previously married to a schizophrenic/DID person and I guess this problem is so deep in his mind and I haven't even uncovered most of it, but consider that the person you are talking about has also gone through something really tough. I realized how hard it must be for him and stopped expecting him to change, instead I started to look at what he is pointing at in my personality. Sometimes anger can point out so many things you should work on for your own well-being and maturity. And I guess he began to respect my opinions more as I grew up and matured in this way.  

[Brittany]

On 8/16/2020 at 8:57 AM, Rilles said:

I have a close family member that is very argumentative and gets heated when I offer a differing opion on certain topics, he also doesnt listen to my needs and wants so I frequently have to just give up and do as he pleases. I really love the guy but its hard to work on myself because I feel like Im being a doormat but at the same I hate arguing with him because his anger is pretty damn frightening. What would you do?

Short: Family member is argumentative and has an anger management problem.

Are these "certain topics" like politics and religion? What are you arguing about?