Feelings of disgust and distancing towards the physical apperance of old people.

[Milos Uzelac]

My grandfather (he is 85 years old now) with whom I,  with my grandmother (84), live together currently in an apartment in an older tall 70's style building, has developed a sudden (supposed - using this phrase because there was no concrete diagnosis of it when we went to an infective disease and emergency clinic to get it checked) blood clot in his right ankle yesterday in the middle of the night, that disrupted blood flow in the majority of his right leg, has swollen his foot and lower leg below the knee, causing him intense pain at an almost slightest touch and has (supposedly) as a result of it developed a feverish and a very high temperature, that at one moment last night, I and my grandmother was going to take his life there before us, due to his visible heavy and ragged breathing and extreme physical weakness of not being able to almost sit up straight properly, without our help and his sequential closing and opening of his eyes due to extreme tiredness and total weakness that visibly overcame him because of his condition.

I have spent almost one part of the day with him, dragging him along and waiting in lines in of various waiting rooms and hallways of one of the largest medical complexes in Belgrade in search of the right departments for the diagnosis and the treatment of his leg, and in the scorching mid-day summer heat of navigating around the large bulging building and waiting and sitting on benches for the next specialist check-up in order and for his lab blood test results to finish, and second half running around the city, from one military medical center to another, and jumping in different cabs and taking  to get the prescribed medicines for him, for free from his appointed doctor, in other states military-affiliated medical centers (for the special treatment of retired military service members, retired, in a wide range, from the end of their military service in former Yugoslav Army to the fairly recent retirees of the present Serbian military today) and to get warrants, from his appointed doctor, for a daily medical house visits and check-ups by an assigned medical personnel from a military medical ambulance and emergency unit, appointed to come every day in the next 7 days from today to give him Longsephx injections to treat the developed trombosis and cellulitis in the lower part of his right leg and foot. Also, me and my grandmother will also need to daily treat his leg by giving him daily prescribed oral ingestion medicine and coating his leg in a special acid (which I need to buy tomorrow in a pharmacy) drenched cloth to try to make the thrombosis and the cellulitis retract for the next week or so.

Wanted to give the context for these feelings because, during this very sudden thing, which was for me, considering my previous inactions, screwing around and my mostly obligation and personal responsibility-free adolescence and young adult life, a little personal ordeal, that when I and my grandmother had to change my grandfather's dirtied and sweat-drenched clothes and pants during his yesterday's fever and tonight's sweating episode, I felt feelings of disgust, contempt, and superiority when looking at the sight of my grandfather's physical appearance. When looking or touching his sagged-mole filled skin and his cellulite abundant when partaking my part in changing and dressing him in some of his clothes, I did so with the feeling of physical disgust and emotional distance so as to get the whole process done as soon as possible and to leave his room that lightly reeks and smells of his old man sweat. Even when gripping to hold him, so he wouldn't fall over when we walked yesterday in the outdoor around the military personnel special medical complex and facility and indoor in it I tried to keep my nose shut to avoid the smell of his very unpleasant and almost reeking old man's sweet. During these times and moments of being in physical contact with my grandfather in order to change him or move his leg, I was feeling a present feeling of physical disgust when touching his skin and looking at his weak, frailed, and extremely skinny, almost to the bone at some parts, molle filled body and the emotional and guarded distance in trying to look away and not directly at his physical bent-over body posture and face - which was in a state and look of dependency on towards me and my grandmother and helplessness and an almost a crazed smile and look of being sort of proud of surviving and going through this intense suffering and pain of his (possible personal projection), that I felt and found disgusting, annoying and unappealing with not a tinge of personal empathy towards its attitude deep within in me. I feel a constant (inner forced) and managed state of emotional distance and detachment when looking at my grandfather's current physical appearance and state and when hearing him cackle his old jaw and teeth to not think about (which annoys me and has a dehumanizing and hate-generating effect within me when I then look at him when he is compelled to do that) or overcome the intense pain in his leg and weakened body - in those moments he looks and feels to me at times, not as human, but disgusting, dying and decaying creature or an animal with a familiar humanoid appearance that's almost no longer human and the image that I have of my grandfather.

What I seek as help here is for somebody who can help me in addressing:

What are these feelings of disgust and emotional distance that pop up when looking and being in proximity to my grandfather when he is in this fully bodily exposed state and mentally animalistic state, with no clothes and reeking, to my senses, of an old man smell a deeper symptom of?

Do I have an extremely selfish sense of selfhood and low tolerance criteria that I carried with me till now in my 22 years of age?

Do I subconsciously refuse to imagine that this can one day be me, that I can also fall into this state that I now feel and consider barely alive and with dependency, weakness and no longer applicable use of former young age strength and willpower one day myself, and that I will also need unconditional help from a younger people than me which I have indebted in some way or another with the inheritance that I left over for them?

Or is this a wider problem of emotional conservation, shielding and detachment towards other humans when they are truly are in need and in order to help them I need to sacrifice my previous personal comfort and go and experience through things and sensations which previously I consciously or subconsciously avoided and developed by way of those accumulated decisions a deep subconscious resistance and disgust for - and me attempting by way of that trying to subconsciously protect my image, that I think other people have of me as, a people-pleasing, do-goodie, and polite person - being of afraid of going into what I perceive as an unnecessary conflict in which people will resent me afterward for and avoid me and will cause a feeling of me of awkwardness and unpleasantness each time when seeing, meeting or interacting with that person - which I benefit from by being on good relations with those people and maybe getting some personal material opportunities out of that relationship. So a wider problem in short of me up until now acting, consciously and unconsciously, as a sociopath or suffering from some sort of sociopathy as a result of a modus operandi of repressed feelings and a strong sense of internalized guilt because of my extreme sloth, laziness, and un-achievement in the past few years and months, which I see as some sort of betrayal of my possible potential that was gifted to me mother? (who was deemed extremely intelligent, she appears to read a lot of intellectually and mentally demanding books on various subjects or at least bought some of them, I know this since we have a lot of books that were left by her and that she bought on the shelves of our apartment, while in contrast, I managed to force myself to finish no more than 10 books, from cover to cover, half of them obligational were just obligational in high-school, in my 22 years of age  until the end because I would often get distracted and would read books only in part by a lot of people that knew her or met her) and her and my father's material inheritance left over to me by her from her years of hard and diligent work as a bank employee in Canada, that I have an image of from other's people stories about it?

- Went on a tangent here since I had thought patterns regarding this that I would repress for a longer time now, and though they might also be hindering my capacity to feel more empathy and understanding towards other people since deep down I have a strong hate towards my present self and past actions that I think led up to it, so I just force myself to be good or kind towards other people but can't truly accept them since I don't truly accept myself in this state and despise and looked down upon myself in this state. So how to learn to love myself and accept myself while moving forward, while working to overcome and correct my past underachievements and severely, perceived, missed opportunities in life?

Sorry for the of the tangent personal story at the end was somehow compelled to wite it while typing this, since it is a long repeating thought pattern of that I have which I have not been able to let go off, I hope you can see the crux of my question in all this text regarding the feelings towards old age and perceived detached attitude of non-humanness that I seemingly felt I had towards it.

I thank all who manage and decide to set the time to read this if they think it's worth their time and have the will to reply to me and all this bulk of text that are my current feelings and for helping me with advice on how I can work on this emotionally and consciously in the next couple of days in advance. But any advice will be greatly appreciated. Bless you, be well.

[iamthat]

To be honest, I think that your feelings of repulsion towards your grandfather's physical condition are probably quite normal. It is a natural reaction to the infirmities of the physical body. Few of us have the detachment, compassion and experience to deal with these things with equanimity.

Perhaps those who work in hospitals and deal with such cases every day become accustomed to the range of problems the physical body experiences. But for someone who has never come across these ailments, they can be challenging. And maybe it is not just the physical problems which are challenging, but also the unwanted intimacy.

I cannot speak from experience as I have never been in such a situation. And nor have I ever had children, so in my 60+ years I have never even changed a dirty diaper, which for me seems a somewhat gross experience but millions of parents do it every day! Maybe we get used to anything.

But bear in mind, as you say, one day you could be in your grandfather's condition, dependent on younger family members to do all sorts of things for you. And you will know from your own experience exactly what they are feeling.

Peace

[Leo Gura]

Of course, disgust is a common emotion.

If you really want to study this emotion, next time you take a shit, don't flush. Take your face and try to slowly stick it as close to the toilet as possible while consciously feeling and contemplating, What is disgust?

Notice how everything in your body and mind wants to avoid it. Disgust is an avoidance survival mechanism.

Some aspects of reality are so against your survival agenda that they are literally unacceptable and therefore avoided at all costs.

It is a self-bias of the ego-mind which keeps it from seeing Infinite Love.

[Milos Uzelac]

@iamthatThanks for setting the time and provide the perspective of a person older than me and with more time spent on this planet than me.

@Leo Gura 

Thanks for setting off your time to answer and provide advice for me regarding this personal problem.

I had to drag my grandfather, today as well, due to his appointed doctor missing the medication needed for thrombosis that was listed on the back of the paper on his diagnosis report and failing to turn the paper backward to see if anything was listed there (or me failing to specifically mention and point out to him when giving the paper to him, that there was specifically a prescription also written on the back), to get that missed anti-thrombosis injection. When I held onto him when we walked to the clinic, for him to get his injection, the feelings from yesterday were pretty reduced or non-existent, the impulses and the unconscious actions that he does were reduced and he was much more collected mentally since yesterday, it was as if a part of his reasoning ability that regulates unconscious animalistic impulses returned and he was overall better in his appearance and stronger, more self-reliant physically.

Part of the reason some part of my disgust and emotional defensive mechanisms for him dissipated or disappeared was that when I sat to meditate and tried to focus on my inhalation/exhalation of air for half an hour last night, after writing the first post, I subconsciously got to contemplate what would I look like and resemble when/if I reach old age and had an unprompted short mental image appear of me being exactly like my grandfather, mentally and physically at some point and even being almost the same person as him - as if we were the almost exact same person only years and generations apart. It was a weird very short "merger" moment, that helped me today to exponentially lower my emotional resistance and feelings of disgust that pop up towards him, when I held him for almost half a day, walking with him to one clinic to another.

But afterward, when we returned home, I tried to do a breath/focus meditation for half-an-hour before lying down to rest, but I fell asleep hard, had no will to wake up or do some of my planned studying sessions or to talk to people on the phone who called me while I was lying in a comatose half-woken state. I slept from mid-day till about an hour and a half ago, sleeping over most of my day, not having the desire to wake up or to get up and not get emotionally sucked into to lie down again and pull myself over in another fantasy dream. Basically an unwillingness to experience the day and experience some mental challenges regarding studying, due to perceived emotional drainage after the unplanned clinic visits today. I had this problem of having a heavy sleepover session during the day, after which I feel numb and half-dead emotionally and mentally and not having the desire or will to wake up until night time for two-three years now periodically.

So sorry that why I couldn't and hadn't replied sooner to thank you for the advice and provide my input for the toilet experiment. 

I generally can stare and smell my own feces, knowing from earlier times I had to pull my sleeves to clean the toilet. But I feel disgusted and uncomfortable and don't have the same perhaps callous approach, when I know it originated from someone else and not me, especially a family member - I have a much lower and intolerable disgust threshold.

This is not unusual for me given, that I feel disgusted and aversed even when I see food particles of different liquid foods (like tomato particles) on the table when I want to sit down to eat or remains from different food types on the table (for example I feel pretty grossed out when I see watermelon seed or liquid together leftover on the plate with some salty meat or bread that's soaked in it or bananas with something dry, even bread or crackers, etc.). My mother had this condition of eating only meat and bread when she was in her heavy mental sickness stadium while alive when I was young and being aversed to seeing a fruit or some types of vegetable mix together with other food, so perhaps I inherited from her some part of these reactions unconsciously, while only occasionally from time to time I tried to overcome this and get used and tolerate to experiment with very different food types (from my POV) mixing.

Anyways thanks for setting the time to answer and give me advice and theory on this, I think I know have a generalized idea of how to approach it to lessen it in the future.

Edited August 15, 2020 by Milos Uzelac