I Am Really Confused.

[bloo]

I am going to open the fuck up right now. I will try my best.

I am a 19 years old fat dude who lives in Romania and went to photography school.

I will tell you the whole story. One day I was talking to my parents about university. They have insisted that I would go to medicine school because I can make a good living money wise. I never wanted to live for the money. So I said I wanted to pursue music and my father told me that it is too late, that I needed years of practice. I was like....alright...as you say. Then I thought about other art form that would interest me and I found photography. Alright. After looooooong arguments over a long period of time I finally convinced them that I want to go there and they "gave me permission" and money to actually go to university. I am studying in UK right now. 

And something hit me while I smoked weed. I remembered that moment when I told them about music and I realised that I want to do what the fuck I want in life. So I bought an electric guitar. I was almost constantly high playing my guitar and everything was fine.

Until I came home back. As I missed my electric guitar I happened to stumble across Estas Tonne. He is a street guitarist who travels around the world playing "spiritual" music. And something kinda hit me. I said.....shit....this is what I want. So I bought a classical guitar and started learning. The first time I touched the guitar....it just felt like magic. I was so calm and I couldn't be bothered by anything. 

Before I go on with the story I have to say that I HAVE NEVER WORKED REALLY HARD FOR SOMETHING MY WHOLE LIFE. I've been playing video games since I know myself, have kinda a lot of anxiety, fears about life, doubts and I have never finished something I began.

So everything was good (almost perfect) since I bumped into the actual guitar practice. The first days were okay but now as I am trying to progress and correct the mistakes I'm doing (I'm trying to fix an old habbit on the guitar) everything lost it's magic. I don't learn sheet music anymore, I practice very little because I always feel the need to fucking escape (maybe that's the ego and the fact that I am not used to actual work?...I really have no fucking clue).

I've even asked myself do I want to give up ? But there was no ferm "YES" answer. I am really concerned I do this for fame. How do I find out if so? Maybe I saw that Estas Tonne is really famous and showed me that what he is doing is possible ?

Since I discovered Leo's videos on Spiritual Enlightment my life turned into straight chaos. I am confused, I doubt myself and what I do all the time...I question everything I do.  Here are some thoughts I encounter every day. I am really concerned about my life.

90% of the time this happens :
– If this is my life purpose, shouldn’t this be easy for me even if it’s hard ?
– If I want to do this for real shouldn’t I be able to take all the hits easily and get up afterwards because it is worth the pain ?
– Will I make it ?
– Am I doing this just for fame ?
– Every half hour I go to smoke a cigarette to have a break
– I’ve been doing this exercise for a week and I can’t see any result. ANY.
– Is this not what I want to do ?
– If not then why aren’t I able to have a definete NO answer ?
– Do I have mental issues asking all this questions ?
– Oh I have to do those boring exercises again to be better.
– In the beginning I stayed 6-7 hours reading sheet music and learning songs
– Now I’m not doing that.
– That means I am not interested in it anymore ?
– Why do I give up everything in my life after awhile
– Shouldn’t I be hungry to learn more music from sheet music or in general ?
– WHY THESE THOUGHTS WON’T STOP ?
I am trying to bring my awearness up but it doesn’t work in this situation.
After I do at least 2 hours of guitar a day I feel at ease.
– Do I feel at ease because I’m not playing anymore ?
– Does that mean that it is not for me ?
– Or is it because I am not used working hard towards something ?
– How can I be sure ?
– Why am I not feeling the magic again ?
– Am I doing this just for the ego?
– Is only the ego making me do this so I don’t just slack off all day and actually do something with my life ?
If i remember more i will edit this and let you know i edited it.
Also since I started meditating I get confused there as well:
– Is this the awearness ?
– How do I know I am aware and I’m not.
– If I kinda have an image of my body when I pretend to be aware ?
– I feel the bad emotions but now they are not really that hard on me. Does it mean I just observe ? Does that mean I am aware ?
– What’s the difference between awarness and thought ?
– Is awarness just a thought ?
Some of them.

The fucking frustrating part is that I want to become someone great. To have an impact. I would kill myself if I would work 9-5 without working towards my great goal and just living from day to day. 

I post on this forum because I expect people to know something since they are watching Leo's videos and have their minds open.

I have no one to talk to about this...when I told the friend I trust most about Enlightment he started laughing. And he has a "theory" about "afterlife" that is really close to what Leo is talking about. I am scared when I look at my mom and see she's lost in the "matrix". I need some help....please...

Also Leo, if you browse this forum from time to time and stumble across this post please say something man...I need something.

Edited August 8, 2016 by bloo
forgot some ideas.

[egoeimai]

Hello. I dont know if my answers fulfill your needs. But noone's perfect.

In fact,the answers are within you.

First of all,you doubt a lot,and this is pretty normal due to your age.

Secondly,in your case,I would remove the distractions from my everyday routine, just to have more more time to think about what I want and to discover my needs and desires. You havent found your path maybe because youre not focusing on it. Maybe youre sitting there and hoping if any ideas will come out. I think its not the case. From experiences and deep thoughts,we get to know ourselves. If you dont do inner work, its sure that you cannot find what you want and your life career.

Also,your parents are trying to lead you and its getting annoying. But most of the parents want to help. So consider that.

Also,just try to not call yourself fat.

Popi.

[Richard Alpert]

How many times you have been in the streets playing? I would guess zero.

taking youre guitar and going to street is as easy as putting youre shoes on and going in to a jog.

grab the fucking guitar go to the streets and see how it feels. Youre just afraid which is ok, but just fucking do it.

[bloo]

@popi How can answers just come out of the blue ?

They just come if I sit enough ?

Shouldn't this be a big thing if it's my life purpose ?

@Richard Alpert I have only 1 month playing the classical guitar. I don't feel prepared yet. Definetly not enough skiill.

[Richard Alpert]

1 minute ago, bloo said:

@popi How can answers just come out of the blue ?

They just come if I sit enough ?

Shouldn't this be a big thing if it's my life purpose ?

@Richard Alpert I have only 1 month playing the classical guitar. I don't feel prepared yet. Definetly not enough skiill.

okey. would it be a good idea to learn maybe 2-3 songs hit the streets? play them, see how it feels and come back home. You dont need to be jimi hendrix to hit the streets. I could fucking hit the streets and i have no idea to play guitar

[David1]

46 minutes ago, bloo said:

I am a 19 years old fat dude who lives in Romania and went to photography school.

Fix your body!! That's where you should start. If i remember correctly..that's how Leo started too. You say you never worked hard? No discipline? Passive lifestyle? That reflects in your body. You will learn discipline, persistance, being ok with discomfort (hunger), all the things you need. Your mind will get stronger as your body will.

[bloo]

3 minutes ago, Richard Alpert said:

okey. would it be a good idea to learn maybe 2-3 songs hit the streets? play them, see how it feels and come back home. You dont need to be jimi hendrix to hit the streets. I could fucking hit the streets and i have no idea to play guitar

Honestly, in the state of mind I am now it sounds absurd even though I am aware of that way and probably that's the only way. But I can't do it in the state of mind I am right now. I feel like if I'm not skilled enough people won't stop and that would discourage me even more...

[bloo]

2 minutes ago, David1 said:

Fix your body!! That's where you should start. If i remember correctly..that's how Leo started too. You say you never worked hard? No discipline? Passive lifestyle? That reflects in your body. You will learn discipline, persistance, being ok with discomfort (hunger), all the things you need. Your mind will get stronger as your body will.

@David1 That is why I am fat. I am aware of the problems I have but I can't seem to get action. Right now I am playing video games. Which I know is just to escape...

I am really confused because I watched Leo's videos "Awareness Alone Is Curative". I understood that in a way while smoking (I'm also a tabacco smoker) I kinda have moments where I go WTF am I doing right now... but then i continue smoking. I expected the same to be with all the escapes (video games, desperately hanging out with friends). Do I need more meditation to raise my awareness in the first place ? Is the ego behind all those escapes ?

[David1]

6 minutes ago, bloo said:

@David1 That is why I am fat. I am aware of the problems I have but I can't seem to get action. Right now I am playing video games. Which I know is just to escape...

I am really confused because I watched Leo's videos "Awareness Alone Is Curative". I understood that in a way while smoking (I'm also a tabacco smoker) I kinda have moments where I go WTF am I doing right now... but then i continue smoking. I expected the same to be with all the escapes (video games, desperately hanging out with friends). Do I need more meditation to raise my awareness in the first place ? Is the ego behind all those escapes ?

No, forget about meditation. You're trying to do advanced stuff as a beginner. Do sports instead. Sport is a kind of meditation too in my opinion. It calms your monkey mind and it brings you in the moment. Calculte your BMI, and calculate how much weight you have to lose to get it to 22. Get a scale, and get going. The real meditation will come in later.

Edited August 8, 2016 by David1

[Richard Alpert]

6 minutes ago, bloo said:

Honestly, in the state of mind I am now it sounds absurd even though I am aware of that way and probably that's the only way. But I can't do it in the state of mind I am right now. I feel like if I'm not skilled enough people won't stop and that would discourage me even more...

Cmon man, i dont fucking believe you. If i put a shotgun to youre head im 100% you can do it. You are just making excuses to youre self.

I have even a better idea. Go to sit in a park bench and start to play for yourself. You dont even need to play loud to people to hear it, i quarantee people will not give a fuck. Start from there if youre scared. When youre skills develop start playing louder and in a more populated environment.

[Richard Alpert]

And David saying you are fat is not an excuse to not go outside to play a guitar.

 

[Eelco1981]

– If this is my life purpose, shouldn’t this be easy for me even if it’s hard ?

no. living your life purpose does not mean a effortless life. It also does not mean no more problems and frustrations.
– If I want to do this for real shouldn’t I be able to take all the hits easily and get up afterwards because it is worth the pain ?

No. There will always be setbacks. You will get more comfortable with setbacks the more you prove yourself you can overcome them.
– Will I make it ?

"You are never a failure until you are a quitter (Russel Simmons - Do You)
– Am I doing this just for fame ?

That's what you have to find out. Would you do it even if it did not bring you fame?
– Every half hour I go to smoke a cigarette to have a break

You have to get used to the hard work. You might have some fears holding you back and making you procrastinate. All normal symptoms. Face them. Break trough them.
– I’ve been doing this exercise for a week and I can’t see any result. ANY.

The process of mastery is long and boring at first. Frustrating. Read the book 'Mastery'. You can spend months on a plateau before seeing results. Be persistent and apply 'deliberate practice'.
– Is this not what I want to do ?

only doing it will give you the answer.
– If not then why aren’t I able to have a definete NO answer ?

You have to do it a while. Give it a chance. You will either learn that it is what you want or that it isn't what you want. Both answers are helpful.
– Do I have mental issues asking all this questions ?

No. it is perfectly normal. If you would not have these questions, you'd be a slave to a 9-5 job living in mediocrity.
– Oh I have to do those boring exercises again to be better.

Yes. Process of mastery. Watch Leo's video the 10,000 hours rule.
– In the beginning I stayed 6-7 hours reading sheet music and learning songs

in the beginning you see rapid progress. than you end up on a plateau for a while. Be persistent. Like fitness; the first 5 kilos drop off like in 2 months. then every next kilo takes 6 months!
– Now I’m not doing that.
– That means I am not interested in it anymore ?

see above
– Why do I give up everything in my life after awhile

because you do not know the process of Mastery and DEliberate Practice. You want quick results. You have got to let that fantasy go. No quick fix, no shortcuts. See the long-term goal. Read some biographies and see how many hours some professionals had to train to become stars.
– Shouldn’t I be hungry to learn more music from sheet music or in general ?
– WHY THESE THOUGHTS WON’T STOP ?
I am trying to bring my awearness up but it doesn’t work in this situation.
After I do at least 2 hours of guitar a day I feel at ease.
– Do I feel at ease because I’m not playing anymore ?
– Does that mean that it is not for me ?
– Or is it because I am not used working hard towards something ?
– How can I be sure ?

do not make it an obligation. Than you will only punish yourself for not doing it. Keep your goal in mind. And love the process.
– Why am I not feeling the magic again ?
– Am I doing this just for the ego?
– Is only the ego making me do this so I don’t just slack off all day and actually do something with my life ?
If i remember more i will edit this and let you know i edited it.
Also since I started meditating I get confused there as well:
– Is this the awearness ?

It is normal to get confused and anxious when you start meditating. You start to dig in that rotten mind for the first time. So, if you are going to clean up the attic, you must expect to see some old shit and rotten things you have to get out. At first it wil become even a bigger mess. But stick to it and you will clean up the attic.
– How do I know I am aware and I’m not.

When you know you are thinking than you are aware.
– If I kinda have an image of my body when I pretend to be aware ?
– I feel the bad emotions but now they are not really that hard on me. Does it mean I just observe ? Does that mean I am aware ?

Be aware and accept the emotions an thoughts. Welcome them. Do not surpress.
– What’s the difference between awarness and thought ?

When you know you are thinking than you are aware.
– Is awarness just a thought ?

NOOOOO.

[bloo]

@David1  Alright...but what about the other problems ? What about the thoughts I instantly get when I play the guitar ? The anxiety... ?

And I kinda want to make a meditation habbit....it really calms me though...

@Richard Alpert That sounds so tough for me to do I don't even have a reply....

Am I helpless ? Cause I only come with excuses all the time...I'm not even aware of every single one...

[Richard Alpert]

Guys stop speaking about life purpose for this kid, he doesnt need to know it now, youre a just giving him a option to not go to play guitar on the street.

I can obviously sense that he would want to try playing guitar on the street. If it is his life purpose im sure he will find out after playing 100-1000 hours on streets

[David1]

5 minutes ago, Richard Alpert said:

And David saying you are fat is not an excuse to not go outside to play a guitar.

 

I never said that. Bloo said that himself   He sais first his age and then that he's fat. As if that's the second most important feature of him.

Edited August 8, 2016 by David1

[Richard Alpert]

1 minute ago, David1 said:

I never said that. Bloo said that himself 

i know..

[ttm]

24 minutes ago, bloo said:

@popi How can answers just come out of the blue ?

They just come if I sit enough ?

Yeah, it's absolutely insane. It seems so ridiculous that even if it's told by people who speak from experience, it's dismissed because it's so paradoxical, "how could I get anything done by actively doing nothing, I must DO something to fix my situation?!"

1 minute ago, bloo said:

What about the thoughts I instantly get when I play the guitar ? The anxiety... ?

Same answer. Constant meditation practice. It would also be extremely helpful to read lots and lots about consciousness, mind and self.

I wouldn't necessary "just fucking go and play public", even though it may be an eye-opener, it might as well end up making your thought go haywire.. There are much more gentle ways to get in touch with oneself.

[Richard Alpert]

3 minutes ago, bloo said:

@David1  Alright...but what about the other problems ? What about the thoughts I instantly get when I play the guitar ? The anxiety... ?

And I kinda want to make a meditation habbit....it really calms me though...

@Richard Alpert That sounds so tough for me to do I don't even have a reply....

Am I helpless ? Cause I only come with excuses all the time...I'm not even aware of every single one...

You are not helpless, probably learned helplesness.

I just posted a topic that i am going to start to do book reviews on camera. I have 0 experience doing book reviews, i have 0 exprience with cameras and 0 experiences with speaking on camera. I will quarantee to you that as soon as the fucking camera arrives at my house, in one week from there the first book review is recorded. If i dont like my recordings i wont put it online, but i am fucking doing and experimenting.

You know excatly what you want to do, and i already gave you all the advice you need. If you continue to post youre stupid post´s you can go fuck yourself. There is a lot of people (like u) on this forum who doesnt need spirituality, they need action. that spirituality is just another excuse for you to do nothing. Sorry my harsh language, but that is what you fucking need.

[bloo]

@Richard Alpert huh you're quite harsh but I feel you're kinda right.

 

Some people say I don't need meditation but I want it....then some say I need it...ugh..

@Wormon Blatburm Does that mean that I wasted years and money (I thought about going to music school getting some real education) ? How much time I could have saved....Won't it be too late if I do that ?

@ttm  Some books to get in touch with myself ?

 

[Richard Alpert]

1 minute ago, bloo said:

@Richard Alpert huh you're quite harsh but I feel you're kinda right.

 

Some people say I don't need meditation but I want it....then some say I need it...ugh..

@Wormon Blatburm Does that mean that I wasted years and money (I thought about going to music school getting some real education) ? How much time I could have saved....Won't it be too late if I do that ?

@ttm  Some books to get in touch with myself ?

 

Im not harsh, because i would hate you or something. I want to help you.

these other guys will come here to tell you about enlightenment / zen and all that. Sometimes you need to heat the truth. Listen what Wormon said. Do the spiritual stuff later. You can obviously meditate if you like, i didnt say you couldnt.

from decade on now you will regret if you dont hit the streets with guitar, i guarantee you that