Aggressive towards authority

[Rolo]

I am 24 years old and for most of my life i have had this fear and insurcurity towards authority. 

 

I have lived my life thinking i am a somewhat rebellious person, at the same time discovering i cannot survive living amongst stage red people. 

 

i am stuck as a individual that sees the importance of laws and authority at the same time have a deep anger towards anyone that has the ability to enforce them.

 

My childhood consists of teachers that would abuse their power and scream my head off, my own mum was a school teacher and used to scream at those teachers. I just grew up around people that would scream at me all the time without reason, my mum and dad have a reputation for screaming at people as if they are identified as the short fuse psychos of the community.

 

how do i deal woth this anger inside me and make something better in my life? and to tell you the truth i have looked at many solutions and and have found so many insights through healing, just hearing another mind express its unique quality of love is a healing thing in itself to me, so please authority and non authority just give me your words. <3

 

Edited August 14, 2020 by Rolo

[Opo]

@Rolo Exercise helps a lot. Letting go is great Leo has a video on it. And please learn to stand up for yourself. 

[Rolo]

@Opo yes standing up for myself has been a difficult thing because i am so frightened of my anger.

Edited August 14, 2020 by Rolo

[Opo]

21 hours ago, Rolo said:

@Opo yes standing up for myself has been a difficult thing because i am so frightened of my anger.

If someone crosses a line it's ok to get angry. 

Why are you exactly afraid of anger? 

[Espaim]

Shadow much?

Search about integral life practice 3-2-1 shadow work

I'm on phone now so I can't link it to you

It'll help you get into terms with your repulsiveness to aggression.

[Rolo]

On 15/08/2020 at 1:25 PM, Opo said:

If someone crosses a line it's ok to get angry. 

Why are you exactly afraid of anger? 

i might hurt someone.

[Aspiraling Wizard]

5 hours ago, Rolo said:

i might hurt someone.

Say for example if one of these Red people that you say are in your life were to threaten you, attack you unprovoked, steal from you or threaten someone else you care about and you were the only one who could do something about it at the time. Would it still be bad or dysfunctional to hurt that person or persons then?

[Aspiraling Wizard]

Question this rigid duality you've constructed of people who have authority and people who don't. You have a certain spark of innate authority within you and you have a divine right to utilize it for healthy purposes first and foremost. Even when you make a mistake and wield it in an unhealthy way, if you learn from it at least eventually and let the mistake go, that's a win in my book.

[Opo]

13 hours ago, Rolo said:

i might hurt someone.

Are you worried about them or the consequences of hurting someone? 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 8/13/2020 at 6:58 PM, Rolo said:

how do i deal woth this anger inside me and make something better in my life? and to tell you the truth i have looked at many solutions and and have found so many insights through healing, just hearing another mind express its unique quality of love is a healing thing in itself to me, so please authority and non authority just give me your words. <3

As a counterphobic enneatype six, you sound also like a counterphobic enneatype six. So maybe some study on this can help you to observe it in a larger frame of reference which might allow you to become free of it to a degree. You can Google Counterphobic enneatype six and get a lot of information. Below is a bit from a search I just did.

 

The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. This is the Six who takes on authority or who adopts a dare devil attitude towards physical danger. Counterphobic Sixes can be agressive and, rather than looking for authorities, can adopt a rebellious or anti-authoritarian demeanor. Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.

From: https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type6

[Rolo]

@Zigzag Idiot

The counterphobic measure i can relate to alot. Its like i am geared for worst case scenario in alot of situations. I am always sniffing out potential hazards in everyday life. The thing is that i have done it for so long that most of the time I have learnt to adapt to high risk situations that nobody tells me about. so its like a ability to overcome unrecognized dangers that nobody tells me about because this characteristic in me has to develop a solution to overcoming those fears.