Healthy way to react when someone hurts you?

[Farnaby]

Hey! 

Whenever someone says something that hurts my feelings I tend to act as if it doesn't affect me. I fake smile, joke about it, etc. Other times I counter-attack, usually after having acted like it isn't a big deal for a while. 

I'm thinking of a particular situation that happens quite often. It has to do with my brother judging me and sending the message that I'm not good enough for some reason or another. 

When this happens I feel sad and angry and tend to what I said before and then I shut down and become kind of an "island". 

I know the ideal thing to do would be to honestly express how this affects me, but often times when I've tried it I've felt like the other person doesn't take responsibility and keeps doing it anyways, even if in the moment he/she may apologize. 

How do y'all deal with these kind of situations? 

[Preety_India]

Reduce interactions with people who don't understand you. It's just bad energy. 

There is no point in reacting or convincing them about how you feel because they don't care to understand. 

Be straightforward and upfront about you feel and minimize communication. 

[Farnaby]

@Preety_India Thanks for your input. 

Honestly, that's kind of what I've learnt to do. Except the being straightforward part because I tend to avoid getting vulnerable with these people. 

However, I don't want to completely cut contact with my family. I've already been pretty avoidant of them for a long time and that doesn't feel good either. They can also be quite loving (they actually express more love towards me than I do towards them), but there's a tendency to get into bad vibes (fights, judgement, passive aggressiveness) pretty easily and that's why I prefer to be by myself. 

I will try to be more upfront and see what happens.

[Gesundheit]

@Farnaby If someone tells me I'm not good enough I tell them to suck it. Well, at least in my mind.

[Arcangelo]

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Reduce interactions with people who don't understand you. It's just bad energy. 

+1

[Opo]

@Farnaby He is projecting onto you. Don't take it personally he is just lacking self love. 

[universe]

Highly depends, most of the time when someone says something to you, they are saying it more to themselves. Meaning, they project their inner world onto you. In your case, your brother might be dealing with a feeling of not being good enough for some reason himself.

When you can figure that out you can either ignore him, help him or tell him to get lost. Also look at your own behaviour, maybe you have triggered something in him that hurt him? Which then led him to lash out at you.

On the other hand, if you feel hurt by someones actions your are giving power to them. In the sense that they have the power to make you feel hurt. Do you want to give away your power?

Furthermore, for relationships or family, it's often the case that we are not so much concerned with the message or details. Instead, we are disappointed with the other person because they failed to fulfill our expectations. If you feel like that's the case you should investigate what it was exactly that you hoped for. And maybe it is time to make an adjustment to your expectations and accept the other person for who they are, letting go of the desire to change them.

Also be respectful to yourself, if someone makes you feel bad - you are free to walk away from them. The people we surround ourselves with, shape our lives and reality in crucial and deep ways and it's very hard to counteract that impact on your own. ❤️

[Rolo]

people in martial arts are taught to want their opponent to do what they do to you, if you have a understanding that people are projecting thing out of their experience onto you, maybe want them to make that projection.

[arlin]

reacting with anger.

[Espaim]

I am usually too slow to notice when I've been hurt but when I do I tell the person right away.

"I was trying to do x to help you and you told me y now I feel z"

"I told you x to show x but you understand z now I feel t"

If they aren't willing to understand I start to ignore the person until they get the message. Not like I want them to apologize, I send love and forgive them no matter what happens but I stop talking to them as I don't like to do the same thing (talking to the person) and expect different results.

And people here are totally in with the projection thing. If a person tried to hurt you it's not actually that they're trying to do. They only have access to their own world so they are reacting to an image and trying to defend it. How people act towards you talks much more about the way they are than the way you are.

[Roy]

Don't react.

Being reactive is a weakness and the opposite of being grounded and tempered.

Let go of attachment to results and outcomes.

Don't allow circumstances in the world to alter your life significantly.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Roy

[WaveInTheOcean]

15 minutes ago, Roy said:

Don't react.

Being reactive is a weakness and the opposite of being grounded and tempered.

Let go of attachment to results and outcomes.

Don't allow circumstances in the world to alter your life significantly.

lol

you can react and still be grounded and not-attached.

When you are very wise, you understand that the other part sometimes needs a proper reaction=)

Edited August 27, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[Farnaby]

Haha thanks everyone. 

When I don't respond, I feel like I'm not standing up for myself and letting these people cross boundaries.

If I know that the other person is able to listen to me, I try to calm down and later talk about how I felt. Sometimes I react from that place of hurt and it usually doesn't solve anything.

Some people get defensive and telling them how I felt just leads to another argument.

I think my part in all this issue is not speaking up because I don't want to show my vulnerability around some people (like my brother). 

I also tend to judge myself for feeling hurt (in my head it goes something like "he/she triggered a childhood wound and you are responsible for healing it. ") and then I get stuck instead of saying how I felt. 

[Farnaby]

@Etherial Cat yes, you're right!

And yes, that's what I meant. I usually have a strong emotional reaction at first but I'm pretty good at not acting out. I can get a bit passive aggressive though lol.

Merci beaucoup pour ta réponse ?