How did your parents mess you up emotionally growing up?

[somegirl]

Which consequences you have today because of them? It doesn't have to be serious stuff, it can be something that makes your life a little harder than it could have been...

Make a list. 

 

 

 

For me it's definitely the relationship I have about... (Romantic) relationships lol. And everything that comes with it. My parents are overprotective. I think they can't accept the fact that I do have someone now and that I go to their house and do what normal couples do. I think they can't accept that. I think my mom was the happiest when I was single (for the most of my teenage years) because she wouldn't have to worry about me. 

Because of this I found myself unable to enjoy the process of being with someone in such intimate way, grow up and do what other couples are supposed to do together. They alienited it for me. 

 

 

[Nahm]

My dad was (it seemed) always angry & stressed about work. It wasn’t a pleasant environment to grow in, in that way. So I learned about loa, passive income, standards & delegation, and stopped. 

[nistake]

My dad wasn't around when I was a kid/teenager. He was working all the time, he had alchohol problems and he didn't know how to relate to me. So basically I grew up without a father figure.

[Gesundheit]

I believe most people have been traumatized to different degrees while growing up regardless of the abusers. Teal Swan focuses a lot on healing past traumas if you're interested in that. Her videos are very practical.

[Rolo]

my parents would have outbursts of rage in public. now i have a fear of general confrontation.

[Martin123]

On 8/13/2020 at 0:46 AM, somegirl said:

. I think my mom was the happiest when I was single (for the most of my teenage years) because she wouldn't have to worry about me. 

Because of this I found myself unable to enjoy the process of being with someone in such intimate way, grow up and do what other couples are supposed to do together. They alienited it for me. 

Welcome to the club! Pleasure to meet you, this is 'enmeshed families anonymous', we have many many members... like... quite many

I have had it very similarly as you are describing, my mom would be too dependent on my life to the point where living a life of my own became a struggle for me because it was as if I had to live two lives - the one that I have, and the one my mother pressured me to live, which was a little exhausting so that had to stop

I also had an abusive father and an abusive sibling, that took a lot of trauma healing to overcome to a place where nowadays I'm very functional, generous and able to have my own boundaries in relationships. 

Im still healing through things, but they don't limit me to the degree where they would hugely impact the way I treat and receive others.

 

 

On 8/13/2020 at 2:49 PM, Nahm said:

My dad was (it seemed) always angry & stressed about work. It wasn’t a pleasant environment to grow in, in that way. So I learned about loa, passive income, standards & delegation, and stopped. 

Soo.. you used spirituality to cope with your childhood trauma, but never to heal and feel through all the neglect and pain?

You know... that makes sense now But... If I were you I'd look into that, like... for realzies, this is a little bit of a red flag. Not to call you out or anything, but... I think I just did anyway.

[Martin123]

By the way love the topic, I wish it had gotten more attention!

[Nahm]

Just now, Martin123 said:

that makes sense now

Sorry, it’s not making sense at my end, not sure what you mean. 

 

[Martin123]

@Nahm Well it would make sense why most of your advice (and I'm just honestly trying to be real here and not mean anyhing in a disrespectful way, just an ultra-honest moment) is in the direction of avoiding the pain and trying to detach and 'focus on something different' etc.

It is a pattern that is a childhood coping strategy that distracts you from the pain you experienced as a young child. Of course very painful and traumatic condition, it is very dangerous however, or unhelpful in the least, to try to help people grow emotionally and spiritually, simply because since you probably put a lot of pressure on yourself not to be in the pain you've been in as a small child, you're going to be putting the same kind of pressure on the people you help whether you're conscious of it or not. In this way your advice are actually a form of pressuring people not to be in pain, rather than helping them through the transmutation process of the pain that is meant to heal them.

It is as if you were pulling people out of their haling journeys because you yet haven't dared to complete or fully commit to yours.

Think of it this way, think of the relationship you had with your parents. Until those emotional patterns are resolved, you are recreating those relationships with the people you encounter, where most of the time you're relating to others in a similar way you were related to as a child, no matter whether you feel like you've transceded it or not, that doesn't necessarily matter, because those relationships are what is living in your nervous system, and as such cannot be transceded, can only be resolved and transformed through your ability to relive the pain you experienced.

From a practical sense, this is what avoidant attachment is, it's not a spiritual insight, it is a childhood trauma response. And it's super common in spirituality too... because it 'acts' as if it were healthy dettachment, when in truth it is avoidance. 

[Nahm]

@Martin123

Thank you, I get what you’re saying now. 

1 hour ago, Martin123 said:

Soo.. you used spirituality to cope with your childhood trauma, but never to heal and feel through all the neglect and pain?

You know... that makes sense now But... If I were you I'd look into that, like... for realzies, this is a little bit of a red flag. Not to call you out or anything, but... I think I just did anyway.

I think we have different understandings of the term spirituality. To me, spirituality denotes being on the path of discovery of The Truth. It is distinguishable from religion in the sense the intention is not to learn and believe dogma, but to discover the actual Truth. The completion, or ‘full circle’ of this path requires not only inquiring through the entirety of direct experience, but the entirety of self and reality which the words direct experience  point to. So, though it seems clear that we ‘see’, or ‘understand’, or ‘hold’ ‘spirituality’ differently, I do not see how spirituality could be ‘used’. I can understand how the thought of spirituality could be used to bypass & repress, but not the actuality of what the path entails, or, the ‘completion’ of the path, if you will. 

In getting back to the thread at hand, you can see that you have injected the term ‘spirituality’. This thread is a rather personal sharing, and an invitation for others to do the same, which I was happy to do. I could see where it can serve others not only in relatability, but perhaps in deriving a ‘nugget’, or, an insight or two. 

I can elaborate on the other things I mentioned if you like, and how these played a role, but the first thing I mentioned was loa. The reason I typed “it seemed “ when mentioning my dad was always stressed about work, is because through loa it was realized that work was not the source of his stress & suffering as he believed it to be. He, was the source of his stress & suffering. This was realized as I realized that I am the source of my stress & suffering. 

This sheds some light on the other terms you injected...”cope”, “childhood trauma”, “all the neglect”, and “pain”. These terms, or words, like spirituality, were not utilized by me, or the op, but by you. As I understand with great clarity that the source of all of my dad’s stress & anger was, and is, the love that I am, I was able to not only heal, but have some great conversations with him (and my mom too) which resulted in their letting go of many limiting beliefs, which resulted in their healing, not from or by me of course, but via the ‘reconnecting’ with, or the ‘re-membering’ of, our source. This source is never found in a past or future, as this love is always present. It is what this experience, this present, or ‘now’ quite literally is, and it is none other than what I am. 

Loa is a very direct experience based teaching as a pointing. It can be misunderstood, mildly understood, and Absolutely understood. That is to say, loa can be ‘carried out’ to the extent it is realized that one is the literal creator of the universe, and is in kind attracting, which is another word for creating, the entirety of their experience, now. To realize this, is to self realize, as what is absolute. To ‘do’ so, one goes much much deeper, than what could be said to presently be childhood traumas of a past, what could presently be projected as neglect, and what could presently be dualized by the finite mind as pain. This is not to say those present concepts would not be addressed, understood, fully felt and healed, but far far more. In the purifying, or healing, of one’s own present conceptualization of these from the body mind, they indeed are actually, quite literally, purified. Which is to say, there is no longer the discord between thought & feeling, and as such there are no longer these beliefs, as there never was a past nor identity. 

If you have not yet arrived at this ‘full circle’, please understand that I am not implying you ‘should be’, or that you ‘should’ understand what I’m saying. If you had, or have childhood trauma, neglect, and pain, I sincerely wish you only the direct knowing, or we might say ‘feeling’, of Ourself. It is very important to recognize what the words ‘direct experience’ point to, and to shift from the finger to the moon as they say. This was what was meant by... “and stopped”. It is only in the divine healing that is intrinsically the “knowing” of “one’s true self” that these concepts which are no longer serving, are no longer perpetuated in one’s “inner world”, or projected onto one’s “outer world”. 

I do appreciate what you’ve shared here, as I do believe the reading of our comments has the potential to help a potential reader to realize some of these ‘nuggets’, and to heal in kind as well. If & when they do receive the healing, it of course will not come these or any word, but from ‘within’, from the creator they truly are. It is my hope that if & when this realization ultimately occurs, they will continue to create in accordance with their source, and in a manor that is constructive for everyone, consciously. 

[Martin123]

@Nahm I’m sorry what you’ve written is one huge rationalisation  

 

Im not going to read that because that’s just an attempt to defend yourself, but we’re not in conflict.

 

all is well and all the best. 

[vizual]

To even entertain the thought that someone, outside of yourself, "messed you up" is a total victim mentality. Even is there a kernel of truth in someone messing you up, it is your own mentality that is keeping it going. In fact, the only reason people can mess you up is if you let yourself be messed up AND keep it that way. 

Life has a funny way of exposing your weaknesses, learn from them and move on.

[Nahm]

6 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@Nahm I’m sorry what you’ve written is one huge rationalisation  

 

Im not going to read that because that’s just an attempt to defend yourself, but we’re not in conflict.

 

all is well and all the best. 

No worries. In all fairness though, if you don’t read it you can’t really comment on what was said. I mean, obviously you can, but I think you get what I mean. I wish ya all the best. 

[Martin123]

@Nahm I skimmed through it, felt the energy and then followed the inner guidance of my heart that said a gigantic ‘NOPE’, I hope that makes you feel more understood. 

[Average Investor]

I watched my dad strangle my mom and that recurs as one of my earliest memories.

My dad threw my guinea pigs into the river because he hated the sound from them. Around the same time of the incident above. I was probably about 5 or so. I had actually suppressed this memory for many years. 

A lot of things from being hit and all sorts of emotional abuse for many years. 

I have had a lot of issues growing up with being caring for myself or others. I have had few relationships with people as a father figure and I would want to please them. They were very unhealthy people. I invited a lot of unhealthy and destructive people in my life. 

I can recall for example in 5th grade having the ability to easily talk to girls and I had a ton of girlfriends for example even at that age lol. I started developing severe anxiety, depression, OCD (started around 3rd grade), and depersonalization disorder as a result from many prolonged years of abuse. My siblings would abuse me as well.  

These days I function quite well. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself over the last few years. I have actually built up to have a slight relationship with my father again after 7 years of not talking too. Still a lot of progress to go. I don't have anxiety or depression anymore. I am working really hard on overcoming OCD now. The depersonalization is almost completely gone. I am very happy a lot of the time it seems like too. 

[Martin123]

2 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I watched my dad strangle my mom and that recurs as one of my earliest memories.

My dad threw my guinea pigs into the river because he hated the sound from them. Around the same time of the incident above. I was probably about 5 or so. I had actually suppressed this memory for many years. 

A lot of things from being hit and all sorts of emotional abuse for many years. 

I have had a lot of issues growing up with being caring for myself or others. I have had few relationships with people as a father figure and I would want to please them. They were very unhealthy people. I invited a lot of unhealthy and destructive people in my life. 

I can recall for example in 5th grade having the ability to easily talk to girls and I had a ton of girlfriends for example even at that age lol. I started developing severe anxiety, depression, OCD (started around 3rd grade), and depersonalization disorder as a result from many prolonged years of abuse. My siblings would abuse me as well.  

These days I function quite well. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself over the last few years. I have actually built up to have a slight relationship with my father again after 7 years of not talking too. Still a lot of progress to go. I don't have anxiety or depression anymore. I am working really hard on overcoming OCD now. The depersonalization is almost completely gone. I am very happy a lot of the time it seems like too. 

Wow, you can truly be proud of yourself for overcoming such hardships and trauma and having the courage not to shut down and heal.
I LOVE IT! Thanks so much for sharing! Well done!

I am sure your healing journey will guide you to great things as you become the greatness you were always meant to be.

[Preety_India]

I had been abandoned by my mom.

So I suffered severe trauma and emotional issues because of that. 

 

[Ananta]

3 hours ago, Average Investor said:

My dad threw my guinea pigs into the river because he hated the sound from them.

My bio mother drowned my sisters hamster in boiling water! Yeah, some parents are severely messed up. 

My bio mom died a few years ago. There was a peace in the air when she was finally gone.

[Average Investor]

@Martin123 Glad I could share it. It's been a long journey for sure. 

 

@Ananta I did not personally see him do it. So for what it is worth that probably saved some scaring. It's pretty hard to really rebuild with him, but I think we could have a healthy relationship. If he does cause any issues I have released the attachment to the relationship and it would be easy to move on. It's been more of a closure on the issues for me to have even talked with him again. 

[Ananta]

@Average Investor Good luck. My bio mother was very dysfunctional and although I knew she loved me she caused serious heartache and emotional abuse for me and my sister until the day she died. 

Peace to you?