Is it really that bad to save sex for marriage? (Non-Religious)

[Shir]

Hey Everyone! 

So long story short, I feel like I really beileve in saving sex for marriage. No, I never grew up relgious  - I would just call myself spritual. And no, I am not doing it "for religious reasons" although I feel like that wouldn't hurt anyone either...

I was also like to point out that I was never "told" to do so (save sex for marriage) - it literally became something I decided with myself. 

For reference, I'm a 28 virgin Lady BUT a virgin by choice - I know that if I really, really wanted to - I could have had sex by now, however I have chosen not to and it was essentially for many reasons (in regards to my situations; not the right man for me, a man who's marriaged/taken, someone who pressured just for sex, men who were not interested in a relationship, fuck boys...you name it).

I have a few reasons why I would like to save sex for marriage;

-> Birth Control - Abstinance is the BEST form of birth control aka 100%. I do not want to go on the pill either and would rather not use any other synthetic or artifical form of birth control then I guess a condom and or family planning (I need to look more into that and educate myself more).

-> Preventing pregnancy OUT of wedlock - I do not believe in having kids out of wedlock; call me old fashioned, the whole thing (still) seems very bizarre to me. I grew up in Asia in the 90's (not Asian) but the whole baby daddy culture seems obsolete to me way back then. I'm not saying it NEVER happened, it probably did, but it wasn't something anyone was proud of nor boasted about. Again, I am NOT saying accidents don't happen. I know women get pregnant and it's sometimes NOT planned - what I'm trying to say is that I want to be intential about children and would rather, in the situation of pregnancy, get pregnant only within marriage. I want to have as MUCH control as I can in regards to when I would want to get pregnant and if ever (out/in wedlock).

-> I'd rather not get used for just sex - I hold up physical intimicay to the highest standard and would do anything to not get used. 

-> I'd want a Man who's into it for the right reasons - I'm not looking to date, I'm looking for potential partners whom are marriage material; I have no interest entertaining a man with just sex. 

-> I'm NOT into hook-up culture. I do NOT believe nor desire any one-night stands.

-> Preventing STD'S & STI'S - Being in a marriage isn't fool proof of this, but it's a way, way better situation rather than just having casual sex and or just a relationship in order to prevent the STD's and STI's. 

-> Relgious/Spiritual reasons - Although I am not religious and only spiritual, I still DO believe in God's design to with hold sex within marriage ONLY. I really do feel that there is intelligent design and much thought put into this in regards to pro-creation, pleasure, intimacy ect.

-> Preventing abortions - Sex has the POWER to create and end a life. Although I am pro-choice (slowy seem to be becoming more so pro-life perhaps), I hold up sex as a sacred thing and would do anything to do my very BEST in order to not put myself in a situations where I feel like abortion is a choice I would go to. That being said - I DO believe in pro choice in the sense that I have absolutely no power over another woman's body and she should make the right choice for HER and HER body and hopefully the right choice if a partner is involved. 

-> Spiritual ties - I have to look more into this but it said that sex can create spiritual ties and if done with the "wrong" partner, could have emotional pain ect..

-> I practice abstinance as a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE - I feel so much more liberated without the constant battle of sex and or physical connections. 

-> I want to date without the pressure for sex ALL THE TIME - I want to get to know the other person, I don't want sex to be begged for nor asked of me all the damn time. 

-> Saving sex for marriage seem way more fun & exciting to ME (!!!)

-> Sexual chemistry is not that complicated imo - I know exactly what I want and can communicate it and have it communicated back. I am not shy about sex talk ect. Sex is not supposed to be literally 1000% porn star quality the very first time nor does it have to be. I'd rather grow and learn with a partner. 

-> I fully believe that as a woman, saving sex for marraige is literally the best thing a woman can do for herself - for her physical health, emotional health, mental health & spiritual health. 

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I also want to point out that I have noticied, within myself that I have become more "conservative" in regards to the whole sex issue because if I look back in my life I can remember that I didn't start with me "wanting to save sex for marriage" but rather it was a gradual decision I have come to within myself, so to speak. So basically, I remember myself "starting out" with me feeling like okay if I do eventually have sex, it'll be "a year into a realtionship" and then that feeling changed into okay if I do have sex it'll be "only with my fiance and that can happen before marriage" but NOW I just feel like the best thing for me is realizing I'd rather SAVE sex for marriage.

I would like to also say that I AM NOT ASEXUAL. I'm purly a HETROSEXUAL woman. I do have a libido and I do desire sex, have fantasies, have sexual desires & fantasies and actual wants I wants within sex ect (MORE than you know!!!) ...I know deep down I am a very passionate, sexual and sensual woman. I am not timid, I know exactly what I want and desire within sex and sexual/physical intimacy. When I was younger, way more hormonal lol - it was WAY harder to control all of this. Today, it feels way easier imo. I have absolutely no worry of me not being able to "satisfy" a future potential parter sexually.

So saying all this, what I THINK I am asking is - Is it that crazy to save sex till marriage?!

I want to add that I would NEVER pressure a man to change for me if saving sex for marriage is something he does NOT want to do. I would never force anyone to bend into what I want in this regards. All I would want is to be respected and have my bounderies heard. The door is always open and I do not believe in keeping a man "hostage" with the no sex thing. I know what I am worth and if it's something that he feels he doesn't want then I would be the last person to force him to stay. 

I've just come to a point in my life where people think it's SO ODD that I want to save sex for marriage - BUT IF I WERE RELIGIOUS - then "oh of course, that's fine!" But because I am not - I am labled weird, timid ect, you name it. I absolutely hate this. I think this is hypocrisy at it's FINEST. Because hey, let's say I did not believe in saving sex for marriage - what if the situation was literally and only just "I never found the right man yet" - why is that so odd? It makes so, so much sense to me and if someone shared that with me I'd be all "oh I see, that's cool! I hope you get to find the right person for you and be as content as can be with them". 

So...I say all this to also share that WHERE I LIVE - If you're religious, saving sex for marriage is literally 100% natural, expected and respected. That doesn't mean that literally 100% of religious ppl do so. On the flip side, "secular" ppl (me included!) do not "practice" said value above - and that's okay - however because of these 2 things and 2 different types of cultures - I feel like I do not belong nor fit in any. Technically speaking I am seculer and have no problem dating the same (secular men) But my values are seen as extreme, odd ect. On the other hand I cannot date religious ppl in my country because a) I am not religious, it's not something they look for b) I have no personal interest in changing myself by becoming religious. So...I am pretty much stuck and don't belong anywhere. If I lived in the states though, I bet I could "find" men who do believe in saving sex for marriage but alas not from the states lol. 

I would like to also add that I KNOW Men & Women have sexual needs (!!!) and that's perfectly fine. I have no interest in "making someone suffer". I am denying my own sexual needs, wants and desires in saving sex for marriage. So if the choice is not the right choice for the men - I FULLY respect that!!! And would not force them to do that for me. 

Before anyone attacks me I would like to be CRYSTAL CLEAR - I do NOT think saving sex for marraige is for everyone. I think the BEST thing you can do is to do what you feel is best for YOU. I am not saying every men nor woman should "be" as I am nor decide to save sex for marriage. If you want to have sex outside of marriage, are happy and content - I AM FOR YOU. I fully believe that best thing is to do what makes you HAPPY. 

Would LOVE to hear your thoughts !

Especially from the Men on here. 

THANK YOU!

Edited August 11, 2020 by Shir

[Gili Trawangan]

Not crazy at all. In fact, you have so many (good) reasons for it, that the thing that doesn't fit for me is why you would ask about it on a forum. Is there a part of you that wants the opposite?

As a man with my particular experience (so I don't speak for all men obviously), I'm not gonna lie, a girl like you sounds like a fantasy. I'm not into marriage, so for me personally it's nothing but a fantasy, but trust me, there are plenty of guys out there who would be more than happy to find someone like you for real.

Oh, I have to say that I didn't read your entire post, I'm in a hurry... I might have missed something. 

Edited August 11, 2020 by Gili Trawangan

[Shir]

14 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Not crazy at all. In fact, you have so many (good) reasons for it, that the thing that doesn't fit for me is why you would ask about it on a forum. Is there a part of you that wants the opposite?

As a man with my particular experience (so I don't speak for all men obviously), I'm not gonna lie, a girl like you sounds like a fantasy. I'm not into marriage, so for me personally it's nothing but a fantasy, but trust me, there are plenty of guys out there who would be more than happy to find someone like you for real.

Oh, I have to say that I didn't read your entire post, I'm in a hurry... I might have missed something. 

@Gili Trawangan Hey Gili! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and post a reply! I really do appreciate it  haha I am sorry though it was super long lol ! I can totally understand you chose to skip ahead in parts which makes sense (I thought the bolded text would make it faster too).

And, THANK YOU for saying it's not crazy! It feels nice to know that the reasons I stated also seem good/logical - from your words.  

You're right, I don't think I really got into why I felt the need to ask hmm...good question! I think it has to do with me feeling a bit hopeless in finding a a partner in today's society with all I shared? Like, where I live - it's soo odd to be a virgin at 28 (by choice) + not be religious. So I thought (and was curious) to share in order to see what other men think/feel about it in order to see where I stand and to get more perspective from the opposite sex (tbh I don't really have anyone to share this with without it seem a bit awkward/weird to bring up lol). To answer your question, I don't think there's a part of me that wants the opposite BUT I do think that's a great point to ponder (if that were the case) !

Haha I'm going to take that as a compliment, that a girl like me sounds like a fantasy  and, thank you for reassuring me that there are plenty of guys out there in your opinion whom would be happy to find someone like me - makes me feel a bit better ! You're very kind !

And, I fully respect you when you said that you're not into marriage! That's cool too!

[Preety_India]

Those things can be avoided with or without marriage 

Sex should have nothing to do with marriage 

It's the old "woman should be a virgin" blah blah blah that floats in Asian countries 

 

I don't follow such a thing. 

Nobody is pure or impure just because they had sex before marriage. It's just Stage Blue sexual repression of women bullshit. 

 

 

[Shir]

9 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Those things can be avoided with or without marriage 

Sex should have nothing to do with marriage 

It's the old "woman should be a virgin" blah blah blah that floats in Asian countries 

 

I don't follow such a thing. 

Nobody is pure or impure just because they had sex before marriage. It's just Stage Blue sexual repression of women bullshit. 

@Preety_India Hey there! Thank you for taking the time to reply on my post ! I appreciate it.

It does seem that EVERYTHING I stated can be avoided - STD's, unwanted pregnancies ect...however all of that can be avoided pretty much without having relationships/marriages as well. You can avoid every single thing I said without even having sex !

If you feel that sex should have nothing to do with marriage, then why should literally anyone on the face of the earth get married? why should there even be relationships? are we just all FUCK BUDDIES? lol

Marriage is a sacred thing, it's a standard ppl are allowed to have. I'm not saying everyone should be married nor do they want to! I know there are women & men that do not. But there are others like me that prefer to be rather than have meaningless sex outside of marriage. No one is better than the other - it's a preference & has to do with standards & values. 

I would like to add that growing up in Asia has funny enough to influenced my decision to seprate sex and save it for marriage. I'm not Asian and did not grow up in an Asian household if that's what you meant. 

It's totally cool that you don't follow such a thing!

I never said someone is impure if they have sex before marriage haha. 

Maybe you feel sexually repressed? I feel VERY liberated to not deal with sex before marriage! It's a choice I make every single day. I do it for myself. There is no true repression if you enjoy saving sex for marriage. If you do not and want to have sex before - of course you're going to feel repressed. 

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Shir said:

But there are others like me that prefer to be rather than have meaningless sex outside of marriage.

That's the difference. I don't consider sex before marriage as meaningless. 

8 minutes ago, Shir said:

You can avoid every single thing I said without even having sex !

Why should I avoid sex for that? 

If I don't want an unwanted pregnancy, I will use precaution.

What else can be the reason for avoiding sex before marriage? 

You find it meaningless. I don't find it meaningless 

 

Society in my country demonizes girls who aren't virgins. Girls like me for example. It's cheap. 

I used the Asian context because I'm an Asian myself. This is a predominantly Eastern culture problem. 

Western countries don't demonize sex before marriage. 

In fact they don't even demonize motherhood before marriage. 

I understand the problem of teen pregnancy and I'm not supportive of that. 

But is a woman doing something wrong by being an unwed mother? I don't think so. 

These cultures have a way of criminalizing women for just having sexual desires. It's madness even in the 21st century. 

It's one thing to have a choice and it's another thing to make that choice a rule for everyone or a social taboo if someone goes against it. 

Such mentality like "virginity of a woman", "premarital sex is impure" "unwed motherhood a crime/taboo" usually arise from such cultures. 

I don't know where you come from 

But the defense of virgin brides usually comes from such cultures is what I meant 

 

Seriously, it's very demeaning to women. 

 

[Shir]

@Preety_India

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

That's the difference. I don't consider sex before marriage as meaningless. 

That's fine! However I do disagree that meaningless sex can occur before marriage aka one night stands, hook up cultrure. People who practice that and enjoy that themselves DO label it as meaningless sex so it isn't per se "my terms", so to speak. 

10 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Why should I avoid sex for that? 

If I don't want an unwanted pregnancy, I will use precaution.

What else can be the reason for avoiding sex before marriage? 

You find it meaningless. I don't find it meaningless 

 

Society in my country demonizes girls who aren't virgins. Girls like me for example. It's cheap. 

I used the Asian context because I'm an Asian myself. This is a predominantly Eastern culture problem. 

Western countries don't demonize sex before marriage. 

In fact they don't even demonize motherhood before marriage. 

I understand the problem of teen pregnancy and I'm not supportive of that. 

But is a woman doing something wrong by being an unwed mother? I don't think so. 

These cultures have a way of criminalizing women for just having sexual desires. It's madness even in the 21st century. 

It's one thing to have a choice and it's another thing to make that choice a rule for everyone or a social taboo if someone goes against it. 

Such mentality like "virginity of a woman", "premarital sex is impure" "unwed motherhood a crime/taboo" usually arise from such cultures. 

I don't know where you come from 

But the defense of virgin brides usually comes from such cultures is what I meant 

 

Seriously, it's very demeaning to women. 

I'm not saying that you personally should avoid sex, for anything really...

Precausion aka birth control is not 100% though. Not unless you practice absitnance. I've known people whom have had babies using 2 forms of birth control TOGETHER lol. And other people who are a product of that as well. Of course precausion is important, very important infact - even more so if condoms are used to prevend STD's and STI's. What I'm trying to say is unwanted pregnancy can only be fully "avoided" with not having sex. At all.

I have listed a lot of reasons for why I would like to avoid sex before marraige - I urge you to read them if it would clarify things. I'm not saying any of them are something you should do nor follow. 

I am sorry to hear that the society where you live demonizes girls whom aren't virgins. That's cleary wrong and disrespectful, of course !

Oh and of course I could tell you're Asian! That's very cool !  

You'd be surprised but not all of the West thinks sex before marriage is good ect - aka conservatives (not all, those that are more religious per se). There are some that demonize sex before marriage (again, NOT saying that's a good thing). So yeah the West as a whole is way more welcoming to it but I wouldn't say it's a full 180 to the East. 

I wouldn't exactly encourage Motherhood before marriage but I get it - it's a personal choice. 

I wouldn't say a woman is doing "something wrong" by being an unwed Mother HOWEVER I do think she could have done better for herself and do better. She deserves better for herself and for her child/ren (unless she's really against getting married, at all). That's my stance on it.

I have sexual desires as well - nothing wrong with that. I just choose when I want to act on it and practice self control. I wouldn't say the opposite is bad per se it's just a personal choice

And you're right, it's one thing to have a choice and another to go and make a taboo non regulation on it society wise. 

I don't think there's anything wrong in virgin brides if that's the woman's choice - if it's not then of course that's horrible and dehumanizing ect..

My culture is not for virgin brides unless you come from an ultra orthodox backround and even if you are - there are still "rebals" that do what ever they want in secret. Shhh. Haha. 

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Shir said:

That's fine! However I do disagree that meaningless sex can occur before marriage aka one night stands, hook up cultrure. People who practice that and enjoy that themselves DO label it as meaningless sex so it isn't per se "my terms", so to speak. 

You gave a pretty good explanation. 

I like western culture a lot especially because the freedom it gives to both men and women. 

But If I had to place myself in a white people's community, I would consider myself moderately conservative. That is, I would agree with you and I'm not supportive of hookup culture, one night stands etc. I consider that as meaningless sex as well because it has no emotionally binding relationship. 

However I'm currently in a relationship with a man and I have sex with him and we are not married, yet it's not casual sex like one night stand. It's a full fledged relationship. He is my boyfriend. I wouldn't consider having sex with him as meaningless. Actually that's what I meant. 

I do agree with you there. 

 

[Sleyker]

Well, it's your choice at the end of the day...

Careful though, what if you marry a guy and you don't enjoy having sex with him? Or he doesn't enjoy having sex with you?

Sex before marriage for me is super important, if I marry a girl, I gotta LOVE the way we have sex.

[Arcangelo]

22 hours ago, Shir said:

I'd rather not get used for just sex

You will anyway

22 hours ago, Shir said:

> I'd want a Man who's into it for the right reasons - I'm not looking to date,

You are in for a rude awakening.

22 hours ago, Shir said:

I do NOT believe nor desire any one-night stands.

Yes you absolutely do

 

[Roy]

Gotta test drive the car before you buy it.

Anything else is pure stupidity.

[K Ghoul]

6 minutes ago, Roy said:

Gotta test drive the car before you buy it.

Anything else is pure stupidity.

@Roy Let's imagine a scenario where you have a daughter. Does the idea of your daughter getting tested thrill you? And by the time she reaches her husband, imagine the condition that she would be in if she was getting tested by everyone considering "buying" her. And what exactly is being tested? Usually, in the prevailing majority of people, men and women have somewhat standard sizes of their genitalia - are you afraid that your penis will literally not fit into her vagina?

[electroBeam]

1 minute ago, K Ghoul said:

@Roy Let's imagine a scenario where you have a daughter. Does the idea of your daughter getting tested thrill you? And by the time she reaches her husband, imagine the condition that she would be in if she was getting tested by everyone considering "buying" her. 

You think women are cars? Where if you use their vaginas too much, you need to go to the mechanic and buy a new one? 

 

[K Ghoul]

12 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

You think women are cars? Where if you use their vaginas too much, you need to go to the mechanic and buy a new one? 

 

@Roy  says "Gotta test drive the car before you buy it.", and you conclude that I am the one who thinks women are cars?

[Roy]

34 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

Let's imagine a scenario where you have a daughter. Does the idea of your daughter getting tested thrill you?

When and if I have a daughter (I'd prefer one over a boy), I'll try not to occupy my time thinking about her having sex lol?

However I won't be a neurotic control freak and tell her what to do with her body, or what she can and can't enjoy. She will just resent me and eventually rebel that way. 

I will simply educate her on what healthy sex is the best I can, on top of whatever the school system teaches. As well as provide her with the necessary street smarts so she knows what to look out for in her relationships and what kind of people to avoid.

34 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

And by the time she reaches her husband, imagine the condition that she would be in if she was getting tested by everyone considering "buying" her.

Depends if she wants to even get married or not. Not my choice either way, but I'd support whatever life style makes her happy.

Her condition will only be "bad" if she goes through her youth not well adjusted or not educated enough. Two factors I can control with good parenting.

34 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

Usually, in the prevailing majority of people, men and women have somewhat standard sizes of their genitalia - are you afraid that your penis will literally not fit into her vagina?

If you are going to make a troll remark at least make it funny. 2/10 for an attempt.

34 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

And what exactly is being tested?

The car being tested before being bought is supposed represent a coy and silly analogy because nobody in their right mind would purchase a vehicle without having tested it to see if they like driving it or not, or if it even works.

Just like how it is absurd to make as massive a commitment to someone as marriage (a lifetime commitment) without having had sex with them to see if they are compatible in that regard.

Let's not be naive. Sex is an incredibly important component of any relationship. If most everyone in this day and age got married as virgins the divorce rate would be near 100%. Having that part of your life satisfied and having someone you can bond with in that regard is crucial for a long term relationship. Personally I would never commit to a LTR with someone no matter how much I loved them if the sex was terrible and had little room for improvement.

It only works for people who have unfortunately been sheltered and brainwashed into an old traditional conservative view of the world, where sexual expression is repressed. An attitude that is a apart of a larger worldview which is extremely limited and backwards.

A relationship with bad sex for the majority of people is simply unsustainable. If considerable effort isn't put in to improve it there are only 3 options, and all of them can and do lead to separation. Which destroys the idea of marriage;

1. Infidelity from one partner who isn't satisfied.

2. An open relationship which the majority of people cannot pull off as it goes against human nature.

3. One person divorces to find another partner because of dissatisfaction.

Edited August 12, 2020 by Roy

[Roy]

12 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

@Roy  says "Gotta test drive the car before you buy it.", and you conclude that I am the one who thinks women are cars?

I never said women are cars. You're projecting an assumption about the statement from a biased one gender point of view.

This analogy goes BOTH WAYS.

It would be equally unwise for a woman to say yes to a marriage proposal from a virgin man.

If people want to save sex before marriage then absolutely go for it, I think you're naive but power to you! I just hope they're doing it for their own reasons and not from the old patriarchal suppressive culture.

Edited August 12, 2020 by Roy

[K Ghoul]

@Roy

"If most everyone in this day and age got married as virgins the divorce rate would be near 100%."

The divorce is staggering right now already, somewhere around 80% I think of marriages end in divorces, so this test-driving is clearly not helping with the issue of marriages failing. And yes, if virgins built their relationships the same way we currently do and didn't even have the sex part figured out before they got married then yes, that would definitely be a 100% fail (at least when people test-drive themselves they have SEX, something to stand on in their otherwise non-working completely non-functional relationships) 

This is a very interesting topic. I'll go in depth into it some time 

[dinone]

On 8/11/2020 at 4:49 AM, Shir said:

I fully believe that as a woman, saving sex for marraige is literally the best thing a woman can do for herself

I'm not religious. But with age, I think you're right. I see more and more men and women who are dissatisfied no matter how many partners they have, especially a wrong comparison. Build a house from scratch. Not on other ruins.

[Roy]

1 hour ago, K Ghoul said:

"If most everyone in this day and age got married as virgins the divorce rate would be near 100%."

The divorce is staggering right now already, somewhere around 80% I think of marriages end in divorces, so this test-driving is clearly not helping with the issue of marriages failing. And yes, if virgins built their relationships the same way we currently do and didn't even have the sex part figured out before they got married then yes, that would definitely be a 100% fail (at least when people test-drive themselves they have SEX, something to stand on in their otherwise non-working completely non-functional relationships) 

This is a very interesting topic. I'll go in depth into it some time 

I agree with you that it can be messy and people can make mistakes if they don't develop self control.

I just feel that this is something that we shouldn't retreat to the trenches of conservative tradition on.

I think celibacy and saving yourself can be a wise choice and can have a lot of benefits for the right person, I'm just not sure there is a modern well worked out way to approach and create that lifestyle in our current culture without going backwards.

Individuals need to work it out by building an understanding from a pluralistic conversation. It's too easy for them to just go back to the default conservative norm because it's already established and it's hard to go through that work yourself.

[Shir]

On 8/11/2020 at 8:18 AM, Preety_India said:

You gave a pretty good explanation. 

I like western culture a lot especially because the freedom it gives to both men and women. 

But If I had to place myself in a white people's community, I would consider myself moderately conservative. That is, I would agree with you and I'm not supportive of hookup culture, one night stands etc. I consider that as meaningless sex as well because it has no emotionally binding relationship. 

However I'm currently in a relationship with a man and I have sex with him and we are not married, yet it's not casual sex like one night stand. It's a full fledged relationship. He is my boyfriend. I wouldn't consider having sex with him as meaningless. Actually that's what I meant. 

I do agree with you there. 

@Preety_India

Thank you kindly.

I will agree that Western cultrue is very liberating and free, for sure ! 

Good to know you get me in that you're also not supportive of hook up culture, one night stands ect. 

Wishing you luck in your loving relationship with your bf!  I believe you, physical intimacy with him is of course not meaningless and I would like to appologize if I somehow offended you and or belittled you in any way shape or form with my replies ! - My Apologies, I'm sorry.