Trouble acting more masculine

[Farnaby]

Hey everyone!

I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced something similar to what I experience. 

I am more on the introverted side of the spectrum and have a tendency to experience anxiety or monkey mind, especially in social situations. Now, this has greatly improved over the last years. However, I've noticed that whenever I try out a more masculine attitude (occupying more space, going after what I want, doing things even if they scare me, etc.) a part of me gets triggered which says stuff like "this is not you, you're not the kind of guy who's completely confident, this is kind of fake". 

I'm aware that my insecurities probably aren't who I really am, and that they are probably coping mechanisms. But for some reason I feel more identified with that aspect of myself and second-guess myself when I'm acting confidently. 

It's quite a conflict, because on one hand I feel great for a short time when I act in a more masculine way (I feel less awkward, spontaneous, relaxed), but I soon start second-guessing myself, which of course messes with my confidence. 

Anyone can relate or has any advice? I guess it's part of the process and I just need to keep doing it even if it feels fake at first. 

Thank you!

Edited August 10, 2020 by Farnaby

[Roy]

Keep going @Farnaby, you're almost there !

[w4read]

@Farnaby I can totally relate to this. I'm not an introvert though, but I have struggled a lot with being expressive and have had this fear of looking weird or getting into conflicts with people ( just generally people pleaser mentality). But I've worked a lot with it the last couple of years and it has improved a lot and I feel more natural when I'm in social situations or having conversations. I used to have monologues for 20 minutes every day talking about something that inspired me and just letting my thought process go naturally while practicing expressions, hand gestures and vocal tonality. It took a while before I was able to translate it to the real world, because when you can't see yourself in the mirror you don't get the same accurate impression of how you're actually "doing" so to speak. But after a while it comes natural to you and it feels more comfortable than if you were not doing it. Seems like you're on the right track though, so just keeping pushing the comfort zone and it should all work out  

[Farnaby]

@Roy Thank you! 

@w4read Thanks! Happy to hear I'm not the only one with this inner conflict lol 

Actually, I'm not sure if I'm an introvert. I think deep down I'm more extroverted than the way I act, but I have trouble getting into that state. 

It sure feels like I'm on the right track though, so I guess it's a matter of trial and error and trying to be as authentic as possible. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm not a man. But maybe I can try to get some perspective. 

I think you're on the right track. You will get there eventually. 

It's like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, but even then you are still moving forward. 

Some resistance to new change is always experienced. But it seems like you're doing a good job already 

Try keep pushing yourself over and over. 

One tip from me for being more masculine is to never compromise on your principles no matter what a female says. This is deep masculinity, and not just masculinity in looks and superficiality. 

 

I hope you won't mind a woman giving you her two cents. 

[Farnaby]

@Preety_India hey! Thanks for your perspective, I really like hearing a woman's point of view. 

Yep, I think the principles part is very important.

The problem I'm constantly facing in this process is that one of my principles is to be as authentic as possible. So, since I've been acting in a shy way for the last 15 years or so, it kind of feels a bit fake/forced when I act more confidently. But I think that's just the anxiety because of the resistance to change, because I don't consider myself shy in essence, it's just a consequence of me not being relaxed, being in my mind, etc. 

[Preety_India]

@Farnaby  yep that could be it, you not feeling relaxed 

The fact that you wanna be more masculine and you are looking for a way to get out of a shell tells me that shy is not in your nature, it became your behavior for some reason, example anxiety. That's super frustrating when you never felt in your own skin, you were never allowed to be truly who you wanted to be and you were perceived a way you didn't really want to be perceived. You were a specific way because of objective reasons like anxiety or social issues /personal issues and not by will. 

 Now that you realize that you want to be your authentic self, I can suggest you a shadow work question that can instantly help you greatly. 

This question is 

"what would I really want myself to be like, if I didn't have these issues in life?" 

That question will help you to visually delete your current circumstances or past circumstances that probably shaped your behavior/demeanor. And then look at yourself as a naked person, devoid of circumstances and influences and then decide how you really wanted to be, in your true self outside of any influence or condition. 

This is your real vision of how you want you to be. 

The rest is only molded by situations or conditions. 

If you can now integrate this true vision and follow it, it will help you become the true authentic self you always wanted to be. 

What I mean is that right now you are like an onion. The layers of your onion behavior are caused by social situations. Remove the context of these situations and these onion layers begin to fall off/peeled off. 

Now the inner part of the onion is the real authentic you.. 

I hope you understood my analogy and my point. 

I tried to be as clear I could be.. 

[Preety_India]

45 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

So, since I've been acting in a shy way for the last 15 years or so, it kind of feels a bit fake/forced when I act more confidently.

Even though you think it's fake/forced, if that's the desire of your heart then that is your true authentic self. That's who really are. The reason why you feel it's a bit faked/forced is because it was submerged within heaps and layers of your personality that evolved over time through life  situations and it subsequently submerged that in you. So now when you try to be confident, it feels fake.. It wouldn't have felt fake if it hadn't been so buried and submerged in your subconscious. 

I am generally good at intuition and I can understand after reading a couple of your posts that you yearn to be more straightforward and masculine and something is holding you back. 

Once that barrier is lifted (by you) then you are going to be more expressive and masculine and feel much freer than you do now. 

Best of luck and I hope you get out of the shell and find your way. 

 

[Farnaby]

@Preety_India Yeah I feel like that's a pretty accurate analysis. It resonates with me. 

So, in a sense, you're saying that lifting the barrier is some kind of decision? This may be a weird question but how can you tell your true essence from onion layers? 

[Preety_India]

@Farnaby yes lifting the barrier should be your aim and personal decision. 

Your true essence is buried beneath the onion layers.. For this you will need to do tons of self inquiry and shadow work as well.

Prepare a questionnaire and ask yourself boatload of questions. 

Have you ever tried talking to yourself? It sounds absurd but it will help you tremendously. 

For example, right now in this moment, you can ask yourself a very simple question "am I being authentic right now?" let's say you are talking to someone, and you are saying a lot of things, one quick question you can ask yourself is "am I saying these things because I really mean it or is it because I want to impress the listener?" this is just a very basic way of testing your authenticity. 

Understand that this is very very important. 

There are moments in your life from time to time where you will catch yourself doing things that you don't want to do. For example you are arguing with your girlfriend. You gotta ask yourself and catch yourself in that moment, "is this how I wanna spend my time" and the quick answer is "no" you're doing what the situation is telling you to do, without realizing it, this is your onion self, the self which is being dictated by situations, the self which has to be present because you are in society, because you are living in a way which the situation around you is demanding of you.. 

Have you said things that you didn't want to say but said it because society deems it acceptable. Have you in the moment felt like, maybe you should have been just brutally honest rather than being diplomatic. 

Have you caught yourself feeling obstructed when you wanted to say or do something. And you just recoiled back and hesitated and never tried because of that obstruction. This is where you know it's your onion self operating. Not your real self. 

Your true essence will emerge when you will slowly remove all these barriers one by one in your daily life 

With each step that you take to be your natural self and not give into the manipulation of your surroundings, you will clearly begin to see a new self emerging, a partial self from the back of your mind, a more intuitive self and it will be in contrast with your current self. 

At that point you will be able to differentiate between the true essence( which is slowly rebelling against your current onion self) and your onion self. 

You will have intense internal conflict but once you give ownership to your true essence by constantly saying No to obstructions and barriers, the onion will slowly disappear layer by layer, and you will begin to honor this new true authentic self. 

[Leo Gura]

A new pair of shoes will feel uncomfortable the first few weeks you wear them.

[fridjonk]

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

A new pair of shoes will feel uncomfortable the first few weeks you wear them.

Not Adidas Ultra Boost's, like walking on clouds from day one. 

[Farnaby]

@Preety_India yeah, I actually talk to myself a lot, asking myself if this or that feels like the right thing to do, if it's bringing me forward in life, etc. 

This sure is a complex process of removing onion layers like you said. 

I tend to get confused if what I'm feeling is coming from my authentic self or from some coping mechanism. To clarify it through an example: 

I don't really like talking a long time on the phone, unless the conversation is really stimulating. But some people in my life (my parents and girlfriend mainly) "complain" about me not wanting to talk to them, not showing enough interest, etc. Now, is that lack of desire to talk with them coming from my true self or is it something else? 

In this kind of situation I've experimented with mainly two different approaches and I'm not sure which one is more in tune with my authenticity: 

- Keep talking even if I don't really want to. This sometimes opens up possibilities for nice communication, but often leaves me feeling like I'm going against my needs. 

- Tell the other person as politely as I can that I'm not in the mood to talk any longer. If this gets accepted and understood, I feel good. If the other person doesn't seem to like it, I feel like I'm the one who's weird for not wanting to talk. In a nutshell, I feel like I'm the bad one. I also tend to get angry because it feels like what I can naturally give without forcing myself is never enough for some people. 

In this scenario, what would you say is the more authentic thing to do?

@Leo Gura lol, true. I hope these shoes will soon start to feel more comfortable  

[Preety_India]

12 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

I don't really like talking a long time on the phone, unless the conversation is really stimulating. But some people in my life (my parents and girlfriend mainly) "complain" about me not wanting to talk to them, not showing enough interest, etc. Now, is that lack of desire to talk with them coming from my true self or is it something else? 

In this kind of situation I've experimented with mainly two different approaches and I'm not sure which one is more in tune with my authenticity: 

- Keep talking even if I don't really want to. This sometimes opens up possibilities for nice communication, but often leaves me feeling like I'm going against my needs. 

- Tell the other person as politely as I can that I'm not in the mood to talk any longer. If this gets accepted and understood, I feel good. If the other person doesn't seem to like it, I feel like I'm the one who's weird for not wanting to talk. In a nutshell, I feel like I'm the bad one. I also tend to get angry because it feels like what I can naturally give without forcing myself is never enough for some people. 

Hmm. This is complex. 

This is a 2 dimensional problem. 

One dimension is related to authenticity. 

The other is related to making people happy. And compromise. 

There are days when I feel like saying no to my boyfriend if he needs my company and attention. But I do it anyway. Because I want to see him happy. If I kept prioritizing myself over him each and every time, it would be like I'm neglecting his needs. 

 Now if you're talking to a stranger, it's very easy to excuse yourself and say no and walk away. But since it's a relationship, you might want to consider not only your needs but also the needs of those who you love and care about. Like for example, if your kid said to you that he wants to go out with you for a walk, then you wouldn't want to say no, no matter whether you are tired or exhausted or not willing. You will make space for your kid's needs because you owe them something in a relationship. They need your affection. If it's too much like you have an urgent call to attend or devote time to something important, you might want to politely explain your reasons to your kid. 

In a similar way, your girlfriend and parents definitely deserve your love, affection, time and effort. You can say no when the situation isn't the best for you. 

But If you constantly complained that you don't have time or you are not in the mood, this can be a bit disheartening for them because they need something from you. You can't always expect things to be your way. They can't have desires when you want them to. So if they complain, you will need to take it as a responsibility and do what they need from you. Because of course, you want to see them happy. 

Here authenticity will be important when boundaries are concerned. For example if you are sick or totally busy with your work and if your girlfriend is being very demanding and not having any respect for your boundaries and concerns, this is where you will need to put your foot down and tell straight up that you won't put up with something that is harmful for you and the other person should be reminded that they are wrong in forcing you when it's not in your best interests to do what they say. 

But if the situation is not terrible and you have ample of time on your hands and no boundaries are being broken, then you will need to do a bit for the other person to make them happy. It's a part of your generosity and love towards them 

This won't feel like a chore once you realize that it's a part of your role and responsibility in life. 

But in situations where you need to value your time and safety, that's where you need to say no and be honest. 

 

 

[Farnaby]

@Preety_India Thanks for the time you took to analyze this situation. What you described is actually pretty similar to what happens inside me: on one hand I feel like if I do something that feels like a chore, I build up resentment and feel like I'm going against my own needs. On the other hand, if I don't do it I feel like I'm neglecting them and kind of planting bad seeds for the relationship which will end up hurting me in the long run. 

I'm a bit confused about this though:

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Have you caught yourself feeling obstructed when you wanted to say or do something. And you just recoiled back and hesitated and never tried because of that obstruction. This is where you know it's your onion self operating. Not your real self. 

 

Isn't that exactly what I would be doing if I prioritize their needs for affection despite it feeling a bit like a chore?

[Preety_India]

 

 

2 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Isn't that exactly what I would be doing if I prioritize their needs for affection despite it feeling a bit like a chore?

This is where the word compromise comes in. And using that word skillfully should become a part of your practice. 

The example that I gave was in the context of an obstruction, for example, you have an opportunity for a great job waiting for you. But your anxiety or worry about the job becomes an obstruction that stops you from applying for that job. This is where you hesitated on a great opportunity because of your onion self creating an obstacle in your mind. But if you put this onion self away and think nothing about what's going to happen, then you would go ahead and apply for the job. Thus you have taken care of that obstruction by putting away the limiting belief that was obstructing your authentic self from operating. 

 

Isn't that exactly what I would be doing if I prioritize their needs for affection despite it feeling a bit like a chore?

This scenario calls for a compromise since a relationship is involved which means creating space/room for the other person's needs as well. So even if it feels like a chore, you will need to tell yourself how important it is for you to do it for them..This does not take away your authenticity because your mind wants to do it for them, it's only the feeling of it being a chore is limiting you. What if it wasn't such a chore. Wouldn't you wanna do it.. The answer will be resounding "yes", you would want to do it more than anything because you want to do as much as you can for the ones you love, but the limiting belief that it's a chore holds you back, if you program your mind into believing that it's not a big deal at all and that you can absolutely get it done, then your authentic self gets an opportunity to show affection to your loved ones in the most genuine ways possible. 

You need to remove those onion layers. 

 

If a job feels difficult or an opportunity makes you feel hesitant, then the limiting belief should be tackled by saying. 

"yes I can do this. It's only my mind creating unnecessary fears. Do I want this? Yes I would love it. Then I should do it and not listen to my mind creating fear or limiting beliefs." 

If it's a relationship where something feels like a chore, the limiting belief should be tackled by saying 

" this only appears difficult. This is not difficult at all. My mind wants me to be lazy. But I genuinely wish to do this because if I do, they would be so happy and I'll be so glad that I made them happy. I won't be left with guilt and I will feel confident that I did the best for them. I will throw out this limiting belief and no longer consider this a chore. Because believing my onion self and thinking that it's a chore will keep me dissatisfied, guilty and lacking in confidence and I will never be able to fulfill the needs of my loved ones. I will feel like I failed them. No. I want to authentically make them happy. This is my authentic desire. It's getting submerged and suppressed by the limiting belief that this is a chore that I shouldn't do. I am more than willing to do it in my authentic self. "

Opposing the thoughts created by the onion mind or onion self is the way to reprogram yourself so that you can actually live the life that you truly want. Notice how your inner desires are actually different but thoughts like " this feels like a chore" or "I don't like talking for long" which are limiting beliefs actually shut down your inner desires. These are thoughts that have turned into coping mechanisms, but this is not what you genuinely want.. 

What you genuinely/authentically want is, to do the best that you can do without feeling any obstacle or thing holding you back or making you feel less confident. 

Your authentic self wants pure confidence and those thoughts are limiting your pure confidence. 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

22 hours ago, Farnaby said:

I'm aware that my insecurities probably aren't who I really am, and that they are probably coping mechanisms. But for some reason I feel more identified with that aspect of myself and second-guess myself when I'm acting confidently. 

It's quite a conflict, because on one hand I feel great for a short time when I act in a more masculine way (I feel less awkward, spontaneous, relaxed), but I soon start second-guessing myself, which of course messes with my confidence. 

Anyone can relate or has any advice?

I can relate very much and recommend work on understanding Superego. I'm leaving a bookmark below from a recent post in my journal which begins with how I phrase the situation. Below it though and more precise, are some very good quotes from A. H. Almaas about understanding the workings of the Superego.

 

 

[Farnaby]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

The example that I gave was in the context of an obstruction, for example, you have an opportunity for a great job waiting for you.

@Preety_India Oh I see, I was thinking about it in a more black/white way, as in: "if I shouldn't go against my first impulse, I shouldn't talk more to my family if I don't feel like it". 

Yes you're right that pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing things for the important people in my life usually feels good and I feel more proud of myself. But I can't help sometimes feeling like it's a chore, especially when people don't respond well to my boundaries. It feels like having to do it to not hurt their feelings without actually wanting to do it. 

I'll definitely try out what you suggested. I can already feel a part of me rebelling against trying to convince myself that I genuinely want to make them happy lol. 

I think you have pretty good intuition and would be a good therapist/healer/etc. 

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for sharing that!

[Preety_India]

@Farnaby I'm glad. Have a great day!