I Am GOD IDIOT. Here's why

[Mirko]

@Nahm

How understanding or distinctions do you have or make, between suffering, and pain? 

Suffering are thoughts. Pain is emotion in the body - in my stomach. For example - when I'm lying in my bed - suddenly my neighbor slams his door and immediately I feel physical pain in my solar plexus area and instantly suffering comes - negative thoughts about my neighbor, about my noise sensitivity, about unfairness of life.

Thoughts about it, are not at all related to what the actual experience is.

Yes. 5 years ago I decided I will do whatever to get enlightened. So I have renounced my "real" life, my business life, stopped meeting with friends, stopped my hobbies. Basically I went monk full-time. A "modern" monk doing only self inquiry, contemplation, meditating and psychedelics. I became more and more stuck in the head.

I adopted one big belief - everything is illusory, pointless, and attached to identity. So my plan was to see through identity and after my "enlightenment" I wanted to start a new life based on some final "True Purpose". My past business "purposes" and hobbies were driven by ego - I only wanted approval and money. So I said to myself that I will not do anything business related and hobbies related until my permanent enlightenment. 5 years later - no luck.

At the moment - I have no passions, no friends. I feel lonely. Thoughts about loneliness are killing me. So I rationalize them with my spiritual reasoning and stay passive. Tried to transcend them without fulfilling them - no luck. And there were many thoughts about starting new business, but I renounced them as well. And hobbies - nothing interests me... I see all hobbies as pointless. Why do anything... Why travel... Why go to another city - all cities are just concrete, asphalt and glass distributed differently. That's it.

When it comes to people in my country... I have not met any weirdos like me... I tried to find like-minded people, but there are just phone zombies "In the streets" who do not like deep topics. So I am here on the forum and finally I feel more accepted/valued

I really do not know what would I put in my dream-board... And if I put anything in my dream-board - those items would just remind me a lack of them... My dream-board would be a lack board. Or not?

I tried to have no desires like monks do... I have seen futility of material things... I have all that I need. All sorts of electronic devices, apartment, girlfriend, 2 bicycles, and regular income from government. I do not need to work anymore. I am seeing girlfriend for only 1 hour a day.

When it comes to loneliness - that is the biggest problem right after "ego" problem ... I feel like an alien. Lonely alien. I actually had an idea how to meet like-minded spiritual people - I wanted to start a you-tube channel/website to attract like minded people to me. In my country spirituality is still a novelty. There are not any spiritual youtube channels in my language. BUT - what holds me back: perfectionism - I said to myself that I will start teaching only after enlightenment. I want to say only perfect and true words coming from my Real Self, not from ego. This burden holds me back.

Next thing that holds me back is that all those radical ideas I wanted to teach... Those ideas / truths actually made my life worse... Waking people up and opening their eyes is exciting, but also can do a lot of harm to them. You know... Sweet ignorance ... I consider unconscious people happier than me after 5 years of consciousness work... AND last thing - Who am I to teach them? I am depressed, I have more fears than them, more anxieties... Why would I make their life meaningless like mine... There are actually many people here on the forum who claim their life become meaningless after watching Leo's videos.

How does this approach / perspective you are currently utilizing feel?  I am deducing it does not feel good. Is there willingness to let it go, and adopt an approach which is rooted in, and entirely based on, feeling better?

When it comes to fighting with my identity - I just came to conclusion that fighting is not the answer. This battle can't be won by any one.

Today I basically I somehow uncovered my problem - glowing psychedelic experiences gave me a false expectations how everyday life is supposed to be. I realized - because there is no way out of experiencing  life - thus I need to humble myself and accept life as it is.

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences gave me false hopes of healing my illnesses. That's really sobering insight. Now I need to accept that and somehow move on.

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me hate my ego.

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me renounce "normal" life.

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made normal life pale in comparison to psychedelic experience.

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me hate my humanness.

From now on I think i should start working on balancing my life. Being a brute-force monk isn't the way for me...

In the last 24 hours I let go a lot of anger... Anger for myself... Anger for my self deceptions. Anger for false hopes...

BTW thank you Nahm, You're great.

 

 

Edited August 11, 2020 by Mirko
grammar

[Nahm]

A profound realization, which ‘sticks’, is coming. I can feel it in the bones in your regard. Can feel your doneness. Loving it. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

 

How understanding or distinctions do you have or make, between suffering, and pain? 

Suffering are thoughts. Pain is emotion in the body - in my stomach. For example - when I'm lying in my bed - suddenly my neighbor slams his door and immediately I feel physical pain in my solar plexus area and instantly suffering comes - negative thoughts about my neighbor, about my noise sensitivity, about unfairness of life.

That is not pain. That is suffering. The difference, at least initially, is you’re causing one but not the other. Inspecting & realizing precisely how you are doing this is the key. Then, you can no longer actually create suffering. Pain, you might encounter, but that is transcend-able too. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Thoughts about it, are not at all related to what the actual experience is.

Yes. 5 years ago I decided I will do whatever to get enlightened. So I have renounced my "real" life, my business life, stopped meeting with friends, stopped my hobbies. Basically I went monk full-time. A "modern" monk doing only self inquiry, contemplation, meditating and psychedelics. I became more and more stuck in the head.

I adopted one big belief - everything is illusory, pointless, and attached to identity. So my plan was to see through identity and after my "enlightenment" I wanted to start a new life based on some final "True Purpose". My past business "purposes" and hobbies were driven by ego - I only wanted approval and money. So I said to myself that I will not do anything business related and hobbies related until my permanent enlightenment. 5 years later - no luck.

Ideally, this will be a bit triggering, and you’ll feel into any reactionary feeling....not a single word of that has any truth whatsoever. It’s a sympathetic intention, a story about a you that you keep retelling. It has zero truth whatsoever. If you’re going to continue story telling, tell the story you actually want, that feels good to you. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

At the moment - I have no passions, no friends. I feel lonely.

Again, this is a story about a you. You’re made of passion. There are billions of options for friends, and as many common interests available to make them. “I” can not feel lonely. Uncover the label of lonely. It’s a write off, a cover up. A thought being taken to be feeling, but it’s not. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Thoughts about loneliness are killing me.

Feel the loneliness then, don’t settle for thinking which doesn’t resonate, about it. Feel the feeling so deeply and profoundly, that it is either seen through and disappears, or it explodes into full realization of what it really is. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

So I rationalize them with my spiritual reasoning and stay passive.

That is subtle blaming. Instead, recognize you’re believing thoughts, believing a narrative about a you. You (can’t say this loud enough) are not actually passive whatsoever. That is a facade of suppression, of an infinite creator, of love yourself. Contemplate - where do desire & passion actually come from? Don’t take that they have a source for granted. Literally - inspect and find the source. Where are they coming from? Your parents? Ha! The sun?? Find the source which shatters every possibility of any doubt.  

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Tried to transcend them without fulfilling them - no luck. And there were many thoughts about starting new business, but I renounced them as well. And hobbies - nothing interests me... I see all hobbies as pointless. Why do anything... Why travel... Why go to another city - all cities are just concrete, asphalt and glass distributed differently. That's it.

Experience is the point of experience. You’re creating as you go, but yet to notice this. Fascinating life of a world traveler, or bored, passive, Settling for a narrative, blame, complaining, self doubt, etc - up to you. Nobody is coming my man. This ain’t no rehearsal. You’re already free - drop the bringing of the story of a you everywhere you go - and you’ll have fun & friends coming out of your ears, so to speak. Make a dreamboard. Get honest with desire. Shed all limiting beliefs, as reality becomes what you are wanting right before your eyes. Go into & through desire & passion, into The Self. It waits there for you. It’ll unconditionally wait for eternity. It can not do otherwise, as it is eternal & unconditional. That, that is your best friend. Been waiting all this time. Loving you. Knowing you. Wanting all for you, that you honestly desire. You have a conscience. Listen to it. Prior to every word you speak or type, listen to it. FEEL...and then. If you struggle to feel desire & passion, simply remain silent. It is unstoppable, and when thoughts are let go, it floats, rises. That is it’s nature. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

When it comes to people in my country... I have not met any weirdos like me...

You’re normal. Bland. Plain. Common. (You know I say this to trigger, so you can feel those limiting beliefs & let them go simply by recognizing how they feel.) Weird is nothing, haven’t even started. Get outta that kiddie pool. Infinite love is mayhem. Love it. Don’t judge it. Yeah, mayhem. Love & understand it. That is transcendence / (trance dance). Lighten up. Loosen up. Laugh it up.  Look at the weirdness, the craziness, and laugh. Break the mold of your mind. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

I tried to find like-minded people, but there are just phone zombies "In the streets" who do not like deep topics. So I am here on the forum and finally I feel more accepted/valued

Don’t expect any one to be like minded. Look to share common interests. You eat, I eat. We’re already friends via the common interest of food. Don’t be picky, see how easy it is. 

Nobody dictates your acceptance or value. The feeling of Goodness which you are attributing to the actions, words or behaviors of others - is you. Don’t give you away in thought, in that manor. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

I really do not know what would I put in my dream-board... And if I put anything in my dream-board - those items would just remind me a lack of them... My dream-board would be a lack board. Or not?

Use a pad of paper. Make a list of everything you don’t want. Then, leave it. For hours, or a day or two depending on how much undesirable emotion arose. Relax and completely allow it to clear. Then, go back to your list and write the opposite next to each thing you wrote. You’ve then derived what you do want, as well as shifted your attention & focus to it. Fell good. Milk the shit out of feeling good as you write the dream on your dreamboard. Let go of every and all thoughts about a future you doing anything. Reality is unconditional and will become it. You’re inevitably realize, this is already and always has been, the actuality. Again - don’t suppress, feel every feeling, so to speak. Be a student of feeling & emotion. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

I tried to have no desires like monks do... I have seen futility of material things... I have all that I need. All sorts of electronic devices, apartment, girlfriend, 2 bicycles, and regular income from government. I do not need to work anymore. I am seeing girlfriend for only 1 hour a day.

Great. Now play in want, without attachment. And even that is not yet to have begun. Monks & no desires is a story you’re believing. Feel your way there. Be honest to where you’re at. You can skip on the path, but you can sip the path. Increase knowledge of spiral dynamics & listen to Abe Hicks. Or don’t. Again, always up to you. Don’t attach to the knowledge, allow it to come and go, to be your now ledge until which actuality unfolds. No past, no stories or narratives dragged into now. No future, and no worrying about it. Now only. Get serious about this attachment to thoughts. Stopping fucking around. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

When it comes to loneliness - that is the biggest problem right after "ego" problem ... I feel like an alien. Lonely alien. I actually had an idea how to meet like-minded spiritual people - I wanted to start a you-tube channel/website to attract like minded people to me. In my country spirituality is still a novelty. There are not any spiritual youtube channels in my language. BUT - what holds me back: perfectionism - I said to myself that I will start teaching only after enlightenment. I want to say only perfect and true words coming from my Real Self, not from ego. This burden holds me back.

Burden is felt. Feeling is telling you you’re full of shit. You’re not listening. Instead, you’re contextualizing & labeling feeling as “burden”. You believe you’re “alien” and lonely....then act surprised when what you pursue is aligned with your beliefs. Stop being so surprised. Start loving you, us, them, it, etc. LOVE unabashedly. Love the ability to see through your own bullshit stories. Love you. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Next thing that holds me back is that all those radical ideas I wanted to teach... Those ideas / truths actually made my life worse... Waking people up and opening their eyes is exciting, but also can do a lot of harm to them. You know... Sweet ignorance ... I consider unconscious people happier than me after 5 years of consciousness work... AND last thing - Who am I to teach them? I am depressed, I have more fears than them, more anxieties... Why would I make their life meaningless like mine... There are actually many people here on the forum who claim their life become meaningless after watching Leo's videos.

Indeed there is. You’re choosing to the delusion for lack of inspecting line. Up to you to let that thought go, or believe & express it. Up to you to hand your authority over to someone on a silver plate. (Again, triggering, loving you ? sometimes only a slap accross the face will do. Keep a look out for me as well. We all need one from time to time).

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

How does this approach / perspective you are currently utilizing feel?  I am deducing it does not feel good. Is there willingness to let it go, and adopt an approach which is rooted in, and entirely based on, feeling better?

When it comes to fighting with my identity - I just came to conclusion that fighting is not the answer. This battle can't be won by any one.

Indeed. There isn’t even an identify or battle. That would still be narrative of the mind hijacking. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Today I basically I somehow uncovered my problem - glowing psychedelic experiences gave me a false expectations how everyday life is supposed to be. I realized - because there is now way out of experiencing  life - thus I need to humble myself and accept life as it is.

In true humility, there isn’t a problem, or that story about a problem & solution. Stop underestimating that what is let go no longer exists, and you begin to realize the pure magic of attention & focus. You’re effortlessly creating, effort. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences gave me false hopes of healing my illnesses. That's really sobering insight. Now I need to accept that and somehow move on.

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. Drop the “Omni” horse shit for the actuality, mystery, and delight of not knowing. Or don’t. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me hate my ego.

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me renounce "normal" life.

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made normal life pale in comparison to psychedelic experience.

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me hate my humanness.

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

A psychedelic experience is no different whatsoever than the experience of this appearance right now. That there is any difference whatsoever, is just another story about a you & a past which ‘happened’. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

From now on I think i should start working on balancing my life. Being a brute-force monk isn't the way for me...

Wtf is this? Yes. Do that. Inspect from the ground up....sleep, diet, letting undesirable thoughts go simply for feeling, an hour of proper meditation every morning. Not guided bullshit, or thought labeling garbage. Get real with beginners mind, drop “the past”. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

In the last 24 hours I let go a lot of anger... Anger for myself... Anger for my self deceptions. Anger for false hopes...

Music to my ears. 

2 minutes ago, Mirko said:

BTW thank you Nahm, You're great.

You’re great. I’m a Midwest dad & husband. Kids are the real guru’s, keeping me real, keeping me in line. Lol.  My approach here, in case it isn’t obvious, is to provoke some catharsis a bit. And maybe to reveal this can be is fun as hell. Up to me. 

[Into The Void]

@gswva There is a lot of anger there. I can certainly relate. It is impossible to understand God's will. Life is so hard. Do we need a Global Pandemic on top of everything else? How does this jive with perfection? Goodness? I read a book called "Proof of Heaven". A neurosurgeon (cannot recall his name) wrote the book describing a brush with death, a coma. an NDE experience that apparently sent him to Heaven. He came back and miraculously was able to carry on with his life with no brain damage (a miracle in itself considering he was in a coma with bacterial meningitis for a week). He is very convincing. I believe he saw something. He states the "proof" is that the cortex of his brain was completely shut down. Of course his "proof" is questionable since we do not know for sure if consciousness is actually located in the brain. Let's assume he went to Heaven. Let's assume God wanted to have a creditable witness to Heaven (cannot do much better that a world renowned neurosurgeon). God saves the life of the neurosurgeon and lets over 10,000 doctors and nurses die in the pandemic. Where is the sense in that? From a human perspective, it makes God appear infantile and whimsical in nature. These are human judgements. And here's the kicker; if I am God, why can't I put an end to this pandemic?  

I have no answers. I find comfort in repeating this mantra: The Universe is the way it is because it could not exist any other way. Suffering is an unfortunate byproduct of this Creation. The alternative is oblivion. Nothingness. No creation. Shiva is the creator/destroyer. Destruction is necessary. How can you have creation without it? In a dualistic Universe? Our star (The Sun) is a second generation star. A first generation star had to die so that our star could be born from it's ruins. That primary star died so that mankind could live.

[gswva]

@Into The Void Sorry for over-radiating emotions. I'm trying to be honest even if it's ridiculous. I'm not blaming life for any potential unfairness. I'm disappointed because, I have to be trapped in hell with a pranking God for the rest of eternity. Stuck in an infinite loop of epic failures, hopelessness and pathetic attempts. And to top it off, I'm just some worthless human probe in the middle of nowhere, I don't even know why I care or if I'm supposed to. Who wouldn't be mad about this.

The Universe is the way it is because it could not exist any other way.

Well put. Yeah, of course, what we are trying to do is impossible else we wouldn't be there trying in the first place. It's just nice stories/memories I guess.

Edited August 12, 2020 by gswva

[PopoyeSailor]

On 8/8/2020 at 2:56 PM, Mirko said:

Many "souls" are in the "massive suffering mode" multiple lives in a row. Just read this book: "Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss" ... It's about a woman who tapped into her past lives and 95 out of 100 her past lives were FULL OF suffering and illnesses... BTW in her past lives she has been a monk in monastery many times. Being monk is useless in therms of "progress" or whatever.

So, I hope you finally understand. You can enlighten yourself however you want in this life, in your next life thanks to memory wipe out + upbringing by egoic parents and egoic society you will fall back to illusion again. You will suffer in your next life in spite of your awakenings in this life.

The earthly incarnatory states are not the only states the Jivas(individual conciousness) go through. There are in-between after life states as well which happen between lives which are much more profound than our earthly states. If these states tend to be positive are called as heavenly in nature because they are without much suffering and full of heavenly delights. If these states tend to be negative are called as hellish in nature because of the vividness of such negative experiences. The realities one experiences in these states are also determined by the Samskara(Karmic impressions & tendencies one accumulated through one's experiences and behaviors). The profoundness and intensity of these states may be because of the snowballing effect of tendencies in these states (said by sadhguru in some video).

On 8/12/2020 at 1:39 PM, gswva said:

@Into The Void Sorry for over-radiating emotions. I'm trying to be honest even if it's ridiculous. I'm not blaming life for any potential unfairness. I'm disappointed because, I have to be trapped in hell with a pranking God for the rest of eternity. Stuck in an infinite loop of epic failures, hopelessness

As you can see from below, having once attained liberation/enlightenment in the form of nirvikalpa(non-dual), the individuation ceases to be. There are no infinite lives by forgetting the enlightenment. Enlightenment ends the individuation when attained in non-dual form. There are other types of enlightenment the devotees go through.

This page is from Yoga Vasistha:

Dear Mirko,

Your condition is the best e.g of why direct experience sometimes is very dangerous without strong theoretical background and expert guidance.

I can see you are already suffering as a result of some wrong(or should i say right - because they worked) contemplative and pyschedelic practices. Spiritual work is not some casual thing that you do, it takes at most dedication which you clearly posses from your own description of having done some ardent work for 5 years. Such a dedication is very rare. I'm happy for you.

But, as you have experienced, even such dedicated work without proper guidance and proper knowledge turns dangerous(In your case existentially dangerous). Sometimes, people use psychedelics or even meditation and experience emptiness and that becomes their greatest fear because of nihilistic feelings. Making it worse are the wrong assumptions and ideas from wrong knowledge or lack thereof. Enlightenment has the potential to give many different realizations which may not be realized all at once. Some of them are very scary/uncomfortable in nature if realized without the accompaniment of other realizations which prevent/neutralize such fear.

Take for e;g your own case, you have experienced something profound, now this world is not doing anything for you, nor are you fully there which is very frustrating too. Now you are stuck in between as you say.

That's why if you want to ride a rocket you don't go to a local driving instructor. If such serious complications such as yours occur, a proper spiritual master will be able to manipulate and reconfigure the energy system through shaktipata and bring about enlightenment, or atleast alleviate the suffering through proper dietary instructions and yogic exercises. No new age guru is going to help you now, all they do is pointing contemplative exercises which is what caused you the trouble in the first place. 

As some of the people here advised, taking a break from spiritual work for a while is the best thing you could do right now. Also you can try consulting with Isha Yoga or Sky Yoga center and see if they can do something about your condition. You should be absolutely honest with them about everything if you are to get proper help from them. What you are doing right now(posting) and connecting with like minded people who understands your position is also a good thing. That way you atleast have some proper company(but bad advices from good company is also a bad thing).

This is why the spiritual schools always keep these methods and practices as secret and far away from the eyes of the general public. Just see the Kundalini Awakening scene for example, Many people are suffering from what they created a term for it called "Kundalini Syndrome".

I'm not saying you shouldn't do such practices. What I'm trying to say is, if you are absolutely mad about enlightenment, that nothing else can satisfy you anymore. Anyway you'll do it, curiosity'll get the best of you. Atleast, try to research as much as possible about the subject matter and gain as much theoretical knowledge as possible and find out beforehand if there are any complications that could arise from the path you are following and if so, what are the solutions. If possible, the first attempt should always be to find a traditional guru who knows how to do shakthipat as well as yoga practices. If not, Be absolutely ready for and ok with any outcome. Even I also am a guilty party in it (it seems curiosity DOES KILL the cat after-all). Fortunately or Unfortunately for me, even the kundalini going nuclear did not do much for me. But, it sure was a very scary experience. For me personally, even if it had caused extreme symptoms, I would have been ok with it. Because, I know where to go and who to consult if things get bad.

Anyway, Please atleast improve your theoretical knowledge, so that you don't have any wrong assumptions and ideas about anything and as a result unnecessarily suffer from it mentally. Please read Yoga Vasistha, it'll clarify some of your wrong assumptions: https://estudantedavedanta.net/The-Supreme-Yoga-Swami-Venkatesananda.pdf

Please don't take any of this as some criticism, or me trying to one up against anybody, It's just that I see so many people who are so close to enlightenment, but are suffering from such debilitating conditions because of wrong approach or wrong practices. Just trying to help that's all. If any of the things that I have written have hurt you in anyway, or if there is something wrong in my understanding of your condition,  I apologize in advance.

I wish and hope you'll find bliss in your life soon.

Take care.

Edited August 14, 2020 by PopoyeSailor

[Luciphene]

Do you work out? I used to lift before CFS/ME shot me down like a pheasant with a cannon ball ? I love lifting, and I often used to keep doing the same exercises because I enjoyed being ABLE to do them. I neglected to change up my routine often enough and didn’t progress as fast as I wanted. I was pretty strong, but I just couldn’t get stronger! 

IMO you just need to use different muscles. Put down the proverbial weights and go for a long hike. Get in the pool, start rowing. You get the drift. 

[Buba]

I thought 5 years hard core seeking would get you stream entry.

[Johnny5]

4 hours ago, Buba said:

I thought 5 years hard core seeking would get you stream entry.

"You can't script your own enlightenment." -- Kenneth Folk

[KaRzual]

On 8/11/2020 at 9:06 AM, Nahm said:

A profound realization, which ‘sticks’, is coming. I can feel it in the bones in your regard. Can feel your doneness. Loving it. 

That is not pain. That is suffering. The difference, at least initially, is you’re causing one but not the other. Inspecting & realizing precisely how you are doing this is the key. Then, you can no longer actually create suffering. Pain, you might encounter, but that is transcend-able too. 

Ideally, this will be a bit triggering, and you’ll feel into any reactionary feeling....not a single word of that has any truth whatsoever. It’s a sympathetic intention, a story about a you that you keep retelling. It has zero truth whatsoever. If you’re going to continue story telling, tell the story you actually want, that feels good to you. 

Again, this is a story about a you. You’re made of passion. There are billions of options for friends, and as many common interests available to make them. “I” can not feel lonely. Uncover the label of lonely. It’s a write off, a cover up. A thought being taken to be feeling, but it’s not. 

Feel the loneliness then, don’t settle for thinking which doesn’t resonate, about it. Feel the feeling so deeply and profoundly, that it is either seen through and disappears, or it explodes into full realization of what it really is. 

That is subtle blaming. Instead, recognize you’re believing thoughts, believing a narrative about a you. You (can’t say this loud enough) are not actually passive whatsoever. That is a facade of suppression, of an infinite creator, of love yourself. Contemplate - where do desire & passion actually come from? Don’t take that they have a source for granted. Literally - inspect and find the source. Where are they coming from? Your parents? Ha! The sun?? Find the source which shatters every possibility of any doubt.  

Experience is the point of experience. You’re creating as you go, but yet to notice this. Fascinating life of a world traveler, or bored, passive, Settling for a narrative, blame, complaining, self doubt, etc - up to you. Nobody is coming my man. This ain’t no rehearsal. You’re already free - drop the bringing of the story of a you everywhere you go - and you’ll have fun & friends coming out of your ears, so to speak. Make a dreamboard. Get honest with desire. Shed all limiting beliefs, as reality becomes what you are wanting right before your eyes. Go into & through desire & passion, into The Self. It waits there for you. It’ll unconditionally wait for eternity. It can not do otherwise, as it is eternal & unconditional. That, that is your best friend. Been waiting all this time. Loving you. Knowing you. Wanting all for you, that you honestly desire. You have a conscience. Listen to it. Prior to every word you speak or type, listen to it. FEEL...and then. If you struggle to feel desire & passion, simply remain silent. It is unstoppable, and when thoughts are let go, it floats, rises. That is it’s nature. 

You’re normal. Bland. Plain. Common. (You know I say this to trigger, so you can feel those limiting beliefs & let them go simply by recognizing how they feel.) Weird is nothing, haven’t even started. Get outta that kiddie pool. Infinite love is mayhem. Love it. Don’t judge it. Yeah, mayhem. Love & understand it. That is transcendence / (trance dance). Lighten up. Loosen up. Laugh it up.  Look at the weirdness, the craziness, and laugh. Break the mold of your mind. 

Don’t expect any one to be like minded. Look to share common interests. You eat, I eat. We’re already friends via the common interest of food. Don’t be picky, see how easy it is. 

Nobody dictates your acceptance or value. The feeling of Goodness which you are attributing to the actions, words or behaviors of others - is you. Don’t give you away in thought, in that manor. 

Use a pad of paper. Make a list of everything you don’t want. Then, leave it. For hours, or a day or two depending on how much undesirable emotion arose. Relax and completely allow it to clear. Then, go back to your list and write the opposite next to each thing you wrote. You’ve then derived what you do want, as well as shifted your attention & focus to it. Fell good. Milk the shit out of feeling good as you write the dream on your dreamboard. Let go of every and all thoughts about a future you doing anything. Reality is unconditional and will become it. You’re inevitably realize, this is already and always has been, the actuality. Again - don’t suppress, feel every feeling, so to speak. Be a student of feeling & emotion. 

Great. Now play in want, without attachment. And even that is not yet to have begun. Monks & no desires is a story you’re believing. Feel your way there. Be honest to where you’re at. You can skip on the path, but you can sip the path. Increase knowledge of spiral dynamics & listen to Abe Hicks. Or don’t. Again, always up to you. Don’t attach to the knowledge, allow it to come and go, to be your now ledge until which actuality unfolds. No past, no stories or narratives dragged into now. No future, and no worrying about it. Now only. Get serious about this attachment to thoughts. Stopping fucking around. 

Burden is felt. Feeling is telling you you’re full of shit. You’re not listening. Instead, you’re contextualizing & labeling feeling as “burden”. You believe you’re “alien” and lonely....then act surprised when what you pursue is aligned with your beliefs. Stop being so surprised. Start loving you, us, them, it, etc. LOVE unabashedly. Love the ability to see through your own bullshit stories. Love you. 

Indeed there is. You’re choosing to the delusion for lack of inspecting line. Up to you to let that thought go, or believe & express it. Up to you to hand your authority over to someone on a silver plate. (Again, triggering, loving you ? sometimes only a slap accross the face will do. Keep a look out for me as well. We all need one from time to time).

Indeed. There isn’t even an identify or battle. That would still be narrative of the mind hijacking. 

In true humility, there isn’t a problem, or that story about a problem & solution. Stop underestimating that what is let go no longer exists, and you begin to realize the pure magic of attention & focus. You’re effortlessly creating, effort. 

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. Drop the “Omni” horse shit for the actuality, mystery, and delight of not knowing. Or don’t. 

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

Story about a past & a you, appearing now, and being believed. 

A psychedelic experience is no different whatsoever than the experience of this appearance right now. That there is any difference whatsoever, is just another story about a you & a past which ‘happened’. 

Wtf is this? Yes. Do that. Inspect from the ground up....sleep, diet, letting undesirable thoughts go simply for feeling, an hour of proper meditation every morning. Not guided bullshit, or thought labeling garbage. Get real with beginners mind, drop “the past”. 

Music to my ears. 

You’re great. I’m a Midwest dad & husband. Kids are the real guru’s, keeping me real, keeping me in line. Lol.  My approach here, in case it isn’t obvious, is to provoke some catharsis a bit. And maybe to reveal this can be fun as hell. Up to me. 

Such a beautiful answer Nahm, thank you. 

[The0Self]

On 8/8/2020 at 5:26 AM, Mirko said:

So, I hope you finally understand. You can enlighten yourself however you want in this life, in your next life thanks to memory wipe out + upbringing by egoic parents and egoic society you will fall back to illusion again.

If there's memory/ego wipe, then there's no meaningful distinction between your next life, and the life of any random other person living in the world now. So if you want to be happy in a next life, make this one good, and anyone else's good. Under this paradigm, everyone's life, throughout all time, including your current life, is your next life. Identifying with your next life is exactly the same as someone else identifying with your life -- in a sense that's what's seeming to happen now.

[Michal__]

Sounds like dark night of the soul.

Have you had cessations? I am assuming you had, since you did all that consciousnesses work.

But if you had and are still experiencing this that would be a weird anomaly. 

If you're going to decide to continue try to find a master to help you. 

I don't know if any of what I said is valuable, since you might have already tried all that, but I had to say it .

[Eph75]

@Mirko the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing repeatedly and suffering the same result. You are indeed magnificent GOD INSANITY.

I enjoyed the beauty of your post, for nothing of worth to you.

[Addy]

@Mirko I do not pretend to know what your suffering is like, all I can do is share my experience.

In my experience developmental trauma is key. I've been through traumatic experiences in my childhood, my first trauma came the day I was born and it laid foundation for the way I related to the world around me for most of my life up until recently. I've been a seeker as well, lucky to stumble upon Fred Davis (thank you @Leo Gura for your booklist ?) and his method worked in my case. I've experienced a profound awakening, and as with most people there was "oscillation" where your experience sort of oscillates between perceiving yourself as everything and perceiving yourself as a human.

Now why I'm even sharing that? Because it did not solve the human issues. I used to have very strong anxiety as a result of the organization of my nervous system as a whole due to early trauma. Very naturally and understandably, my nervous system was trying to use the insight of oneness and all the techniques of the teaching as a way to get rid of the pain. But in my experience those teachings are not really designed to rid you of your pain even though most claim to be. It seems to me that most of contemporary spiritual teachers, even when clearly and authentically awake, don't quite account for developmental trauma in skillful ways. If I had to say why, I'd say that a part of them didn't have too many very strong traumatic patterns in their nervous system so they were able to understand them themselves and a part of them are still doing spiritual bypassing, disregarding their human suffering as they learned early in their life, only using less detectable methods. Nondualist absolutist statements (like "Who is suffering?") are really not helpful and they often just reinforce the early patterns of self-abandonment.

So what worked for me? Psychotherapy with a very sensitive psychologist. I had to leave the teaching and practices for that, because the teachings induced a lot of dogmatic thinking in me (untruths like "Feeling like a human is a problem", "Feeling lost is a problem"). In psychotherapy, a skilled and sensitive therapist will be able to explain to you why you feel how you feel. They will be able to create an environment where you can for the first time in your life see and understand why you're the way you are. A contextual understanding of your patterns automatically brings compassion. They will be able to show you that you're not broken and that all your patterns were the best response of your young nervous system to the incredibly challenging circumstances. The alternatives were often death or madness, creating a strong self-despising pattern was often the only way to physically survive the situation. The whirlwind of strong patterns makes it very hard to start this work by yourself, I'd even argue that past a certain strength of conditioning it's impossible to start by yourself. I for sure was not able to start this myself.

It took several years to get to a point where I feel independent and where I'm able to pretty consistently understand what's going on in me. Still I meet with my therapist once in a while because she's very observant and points out things that in the end save me a ton of time. Nurturing and cultivating sensitivity in your own body is an absolute key. First few years are very challenging and it's hard to see progress but in my experience it's exponential. The start of an exponential is always very slow and may take very long time but is crucial to build up. It's okay to want change, it's okay to want to stop suffering. Those are perfectly human responses and make absolute sense given your situation. And I'm saying that good therapy will reduce the amount of suffering you experience. But it's not because they reduce it, it's because they teach you how to do it yourself and provide you with the context and safe environment where you can take your first steps. It was only recently that I found a capacity in myself to love myself. And it was only recently that I was able to come back to the knowledge that I am one without spinning into self-abandoning patterns.

Making the first appointment was scary because I felt like I was acknowledging that there is something wrong with me but it was probably the most valuable decision in my life so far.

Please, have faith that things can get better, even if you find find a therapist and they're not the right ones please don't abandon the idea. In my experience a good sensitive therapy really works and in my life it's been pretty much the only thing that worked (I've tried a lot of spiritual practices and personal development).

Just to share, the only two spiritual teachers that are skillfully acknowledging and incorporating work with developmental trauma I've found so far are Matt Licata and Jeff Foster.

[Breakingthewall]

Buy a small sail boat and cross the Pacific alone, go walking from the nort to the south of Africa. Do anything , the worse thing that could happen is to die, and it's worse to live suffering. Good luck friend, sure at the end you will find the way