How To Be Single?

[ivankiss]

So I've be jumping from relationship to relationship for the last decade or so.

Obviously; I'd like to do things a bit differently this time around.

This most recent relationship I was in, was the most intimate, the deepest and the most intense amongst all. 'Exhausting' ...is the word. Heavy and nasty. Rich and beautiful.

1300 days of heaven and hell. 

Now it's no more.

Now it's day 1 for me.

Last week; I moved to a gorgeous, new apartment. I live in a semi-large, modern and vibrant city. Lots of beautiful, young people. Lots of cool spots and places. A lot to love.

I work 40 to 50 hours a week. I have an online business-thing going on and I'm also a musician. Still; I do have quite a few pockets of 'free time' , that could be filled with anything. Dating? Why not?

After all; I am 25, good-looking and in a city that offers alot of fun. I see no reason not to enjoy meeting new people. I like going out for a drink or a dinner. The city's nightlife vibes with me. It's not overblown. It's just the right amount of action.

So yeah. Looking forward to going out for a drink or two - every now and then.

My work itself involves meeting and interacting with new people - on a daily basis. It's fun. It's fast-paced. It's alive. 'Picking up' girls that way is no issue - at all. In fact; I find that to be by far the 'smoothest' and 'easiest' way to do just that. 

I'd say I'm a natural flirt. It's a quality - not a skill. If I'm feeling good and in 'my zone', flirting is just something I do; spontaneously and effortlessly. That is; if that quality is 'activated'. On my sleepy/off days... I'm just generally not interested in flirting. Obviously; while in a relationship that aspect is asleep, as well. Reserved for one person, only. So yeah; it feels pretty good to be back in touch with that part of me again fully. I like it.

Not to brag or anything, but I never really had any issues with women. What I did have an issue with was; low self-esteem/self-image, unworthiness and desperation.

Which usually resulted in letting myself being picked up by women lol. Only rarely would I make the first step. Let alone chase a girl. I always thought I was 'above that' for whatever reason. Kinda dickheadish - now that I see it. Pathetic, too. But above all just innocent.

I was afraid of rejection even though I have never been really rejected by a girl lol. I did, however, experience abandonment and negligence in my childhood. So that makes sense. 

Point is; I'd like to make the first step now. 

And I have been doing that these days.

But I also still let girls pick me up. Which resulted in me getting involved with a girl that is...let's just say; not really my type. She is clearly interested in me - a lot. I am not as much interested in her as much as I'm just going with it. So it feels a bit off.  Which does not mean I'm not enjoying it. I am. It's just not quite on that level.

I think girls find it easy to fall in love with me. I can fall in love easily, too. But I don't want another goddamn relationship lol. I need to breathe for myself now.

So here are my questions to you experienced, sexy, single people:

How do I interact, flirt and engage intimately with girls without it leading to a relationship somewhere 'down the line' ?

Can Love be 'involved'?

Can I love a girl that I had a one-night-stand with? 

Can I love a girl without either one of us developing attachments?

Is 'fuck-budy' a good idea? Can it be healthy, casual and just fun? Can it be light, smooth and romantic? Or is that sending me down the 'relationship hallway' again?

Is 'lowering my standards' a 'bad thing'? Should I aim high all the time? Should I filter more?

How does one reject politely?

Also; I find the whole virtual part of dating very limiting and often exhausting. I prefer real, face-to-face interactions. Problem is; everyone around me is mesmerized by their smartphones. Of course the first thing they wanna do is add you on this and that and check out your virtual life. I'd be happy to avoid that part if anyone has any suggestions.

Maybe telling a girl that we should send letters to each-other would be actually cool.

Thanks!

Edited August 6, 2020 by ivankiss

[electroBeam]

Thats exactly what i was trying to ask in this question: 

You just said it better than me.

 

I'm in a similar situation to you, except I'm not hot or sexy, I'm just a white high status guy in a 3rd world country. 

 

[ivankiss]

@electroBeam Haha, that's great!

The first one who 'figures it out' lets the other one know. Deal? ?

Edited August 7, 2020 by ivankiss

[electroBeam]

We'll pay money

anythin you want. 

Edited August 7, 2020 by electroBeam

[Roy]

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

How do I interact, flirt and engage intimately with girls without it leading to a relationship somewhere 'down the line' ?

If you want to do what I've always done, be blunt. If you're not an assertive person it can be hard. But just straight up saying your busy (true or not) works if they ask you to go out, or come over, or whatever.

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Can I love a girl that I had a one-night-stand with? 

Probably but I wouldn't recommend it. Keep your head straight.

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Is 'fuck-budy' a good idea? Can it be healthy, casual and just fun? Can it be light, smooth and romantic? Or is that sending me down the 'relationship hallway' again?

Fuck buddy relationships rarely last longer than a month or two in my experience. One of the persons involved will ALWAYS catch feelings. It seems to be some kind of law of the universe. I guess two narcissistic sociopaths could probably pull it off.

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

How does one reject politely?

Just be honest about your intentions. Explicitly say you aren't looking for anything right now, and when they try to convince you just keep it up. People don't usually get the message the first time.

[ivankiss]

@Roy Thanks! Feeling what you said. 

6 minutes ago, Roy said:

Just be honest about your intentions. Explicitly say you aren't looking for anything right now, and when they try to convince you just keep it up. People don't usually get the message the first time.

Yeah, I noticed. I told this girl that's into me that I'm really, truly not looking for anything serious right now, and it does not seem to be working. It's almost as if she doesn't wanna hear that part.

I'd like to have fun with her. But I can already sense her wanting more than just casual fun time out of this.

 

 

[electroBeam]

@ivankiss reverse psychology sometimes works. If you tell her you're not looking for anything serious, she gets more attached to you. If you tell her you're super into her and want to talk about the wedding, *sometimes* this makes them less attached

But it can backfire, word of caution...

You need to pick your targets wisely for this to work. 

Edited August 7, 2020 by electroBeam

[ivankiss]

@electroBeam I am familiar with that, yes ? Do not see myself using it as a strategy though ?

I'm sure things can be just communicated straight forward. Maybe my signals are somewhat mixed. I still hear the echoes of my previous relationship. 

[Arcangelo]

27 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

truly not looking for anything serious right now

Let her know the translation= I will F whoever I want and IDGAF about your feelings.

[ivankiss]

@Arcangelo ?

[WaveInTheOcean]

You are way too smart - you can answer these Q's yourself. But I'll offer my limited view.

Can Love be 'involved'?  Of course, Love is what is:> Love everything, cos everything is you.

Can I love a girl that I had a one-night-stand with?  See above answer.

Can I love a girl without either one of us developing attachments?  
I don't see how you could be seriously unconsciously attached, giving your level of consciousness. Sure, you can consciously attach yourself to a girl, but that's up to you. In regards to whether or not she unconsciously attaches herself to you, then I suppose the "risk" / "chance" is very high for that, given your description of your character/ivankiss as a handsome, young, charming, spiritual guy, lol.

Is 'fuck-budy' a good idea? Can it be healthy, casual and just fun? Can it be light, smooth and romantic? Or is that sending me down the 'relationship hallway' again?

If you think it's a good idea, it probably is, for you. Sure, it can be casual and fun (equal to healthy I guess). It can be romantic, if you want it to. Whatever it will be, I'm sure it will be light, no matter what. Is anything REALLY serious for you anymore?

What do you mean with the word "relationship" anyway? Is there any universal book that defines what a relationship HAS to be? It is very much up to the two human beings involved to define themselves what their relationship should be.

As long as your're honest with yourself and her -- and dare to be vulnerable -- and talk about what YOU want the relationship to be (perhaps rather slow, casual, light, but still showing her you like her/intimacy) then I guess things will be fine. If she can't handle it, then she can't handle it, and so what? You didn't do anything wrong as long as you've been honest with her. You probably just sparked some seed for self-development in her. More Love. Pain is a Good, some times, most times -- if suffered consciously, at least.

Is 'lowering my standards' a 'bad thing'? Should I aim high all the time? Should I filter more?

Don't aim too much. Go with the flow/intuition. Lowering your standards, nah, don't think it's a good idea.

How does one reject politely?

One rejects politely. Being honest, vulnerable, explaining coherently and holistically the situation from your pov. 

[ivankiss]

@WaveInTheOcean Thank you for your response. Much juiciness.

3 hours ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

You are way too smart - you can answer these Q's yourself.

True, but this way it's more fun. Someone else might articulate things differently - from a different angle. It can do no harm ?

3 hours ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

What do you mean with the word "relationship" anyway? Is there any universal book that defines what a relationship HAS to be? It is very much up to the two human beings involved to define themselves what their relationship should be.

That's a good point, yes. I think I define a relationship as a deeper, more soul-felt kind of thing. It involves strong commitment, dedication, loyalty etc. While just having casual fun with someone can be a surface-level thing. It still involves a level of closeness an intimacy...but not nearly as much as when I'm in a relationship. 

[universe]

13 hours ago, ivankiss said:

How do I interact, flirt and engage intimately with girls without it leading to a relationship somewhere 'down the line' ?

The easy way is not to be so intimate. But I guess you don't want that. Then I would just limit the time you spend with each other. Don't see her more often than once every 1-2 weeks.

 

Can Love be 'involved'? Can I love a girl that I had a one-night-stand with? Can I love a girl without either one of us developing attachments?

Yes but it depends on your capacity to love.

 

Is 'fuck-budy' a good idea? Can it be healthy, casual and just fun? Can it be light, smooth and romantic? Or is that sending me down the 'relationship hallway' again?

That is a bit tricky. You will have to find the right type of girl and even then it might only last for a short amount of time. Be clear in your communication and also be clear with your own feelings.

 

Is 'lowering my standards' a 'bad thing'? Should I aim high all the time? Should I filter more?

Yes, in your situation I would aim high and filter a lot. Highly fought after partners will have less drive to nail you down in a relationship.

 

How does one reject politely?

Depends on what stage. First date? Or after 2 years of seeing each other? The longer you know each other the more time I would give for a rejection. It's just good manners. But after a first date you don't even need to reject. Because girls are usually passive. If you stop pursuing it comes to an end naturally.

 

Also; I find the whole virtual part of dating very limiting and often exhausting. I prefer real, face-to-face interactions. Problem is; everyone around me is mesmerized by their smartphones. Of course the first thing they wanna do is add you on this and that and check out your virtual life. I'd be happy to avoid that part if anyone has any suggestions.

Do you have whatsapp? Give her your whatsapp. Say you don't have facebook or instagram. This is not complicated but maybe it depends on the country/city you are in.

Whatever you want, more sex, a relationship or no relationship. It's usually a non-issue. You create these problems in your head by being so fixated on analogical thought patterns. When you finally realize that there is no problem and you are freed from these thoughts - that's when you really know you have grown.

[ivankiss]

@universe Great stuff! Thank you.

26 minutes ago, universe said:

Whatever you want, more sex, a relationship or no relationship. It's usually a non-issue. You create these problems in your head by being so fixated on analogical thought patterns. When you finally realize that there is no problem and you are freed from these thoughts - that's when you really know you have grown.

Of course there is no issue. That's not why I created this thread. Rather; to see how single people think and view things - given that it has been quite a long time since I was single and dating. 

Yes, these are just thought patterns and nothing is stopping them from arising and being expressed. It's more of a curiosity thing. - Not anything that's bugging me.

[WaveInTheOcean]

Time limit seems like a great idea

Keeps things exiting as well, cos there is always much to talk about when you meet plus the longing for flesh/intimacy gets maxed out between each time + it keeps things casual instead of the opposite of almost living together

[ivankiss]

@WaveInTheOcean True. Thanks.

Last night I went out for a spontaneous date. It went surprisingly well. Smooth, fun and casual. She's newly single too and not looking for anything 'serious'. We connected quite effortlessly. Almost took things back to my apartment, but we decided to leave that for the second date. 

Good times.

[Applegarden]

11 hours ago, ivankiss said:

That's not why I created this thread. Rather; to see how single people think and view things - given that it has been quite a long time since I was single and dating. 

I think this is appropriate for my imput.

You know, i never had a gf, date, kiss, not even ivankiss (pun intended).  That means i am 24 and single. I can't say that i didn't want a gf, for some good 6 years i wanted to, until recently. All those 6 years and more until now i have had other problems, distractions e.c.t. and it never really escalted in a chance of me having a relationship. Everytime i had a chance with a girl up to a point where a girl will try to write me directly or some other girl sexually advance on me, for  some reason, it just didn't happen. I almost feel like this is meant to be like that. Almost something protecting me from making wrong life decisions. I feel that because over the years i am really listening to what is happening to me internally and i know, i am just not really interested in companionship and sexual relationships. Not that i have anything aginst it, but enlightenment work and its consequences, both negative and positive + planning life purpose and working on it + practical issues of my life is taking all my day. I am pretty passive, loyal and submissive in relationships, yet very very individualistic in quiet, so i kinda shadow away from all the relationships that doesn't resonate with me. I spend alot of time being alone, i do love that, but i don't know how to use it, so self destructive behaviour also pops up. Now what i am up to is to be really intense in my life purpoe and spending time to practicing instruments and researching stuff about music. And i want to learn how to do that for whole day if i have the time. Doing exactly whats needed, its almost like meditation. If you practice that even remotely, your other desires will go down, speaking from my experience. My other priority is enlightenment work of course and working on fear, and being bullied, because i am becoming an outcast. I am getting personally invaded but i feel free with that i feel internally. Some people get pissed of by even looking at me, and sometimes it can get me assaulted. 

Even in a situation where a girl came up to me and asked me do you want to flop my strings or be invested in me, i would say no, because i absolutely NEED my time to do what i want. And the other thing would be, i just don't want to talk very much, and listen to mundane things, sounds very very egotistical, sure, and it could be and probably i my problem and delusion e.c.t. but this is the stage i am at.

[ivankiss]

@Applegarden Thank you for sharing man. 

It's good to see how open and clear you are about all that. It takes quite some consciousness and balls to be that honest. 

I don't really have much to advise. You clearly know what's relevant for you now and why you are or aren't doing things.

I can definitely relate to a lot that you said. In a way; I'm an an 'outcast', too. I don't really fit in anywhere, at all. But what I am really good at is 'adjusting to my environment'. Blending in. And I don't do it via pretence. Rather; authenticity. By being comfortable in my skin. I'm naturally good at connecting with people. Young, old, weird, cool, introverted, extroverted, shy, loud... all kinds. But I still 'choose' carefully who do I connect with and to what degree. It's an intuition thing. 

All I'm really paying attention to is; resonance or dissonance. And I adjust my act accordingly.  It's a play that I'm still 'perfecting'. It's very delicate and subtle. But very fun, too.

I'd say 'awakening allowed me to be at peace wherever I am and in whoever's presence. I simply am me. And that can look and feel like anything. What others think about it is not really my issue. Not my responsibility. It's who they are. I let them be; they let me be.

And I can't lie... I am quite a sexual being. I love it. I'd say it's a part of my essence. I also admire the beauty of women. I find it mesmerising. Magical. So yeah. I don't fight that aspect of me - at all. I just do whatever I do now mindfully and with an open heart. To the best of my abilities.

I feel like it's relevant for me to embrace and explore sexuality now. Maybe that will change, maybe not. And I think it's the same with you. Perhaps you are going through a phase. Maybe you will meet 'The One' and realize you have been saving yourself for her all this time. Maybe that won't happen and you will simply not be interested in exploring sexuality and intimacy, ever. Who knows? What matters is that you stay true to what you're feeling in your heart.

Ps. Do send me some music - if ya created any new. Would love to hear.

Keep rockin'! ?

Edited August 10, 2020 by ivankiss

[Byun Sean]

try spending a little more time alone and growing yourself more. Then when you are ready, you will have a newly upgraded version of yourself ready for a relationship again

[ivankiss]

18 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

try spending a little more time alone and growing yourself more. 

That's happening regardless of my dating life ?

18 hours ago, Byun Sean said:

Then when you are ready, you will have a newly upgraded version of yourself ready for a relationship again

That might be true, but the whole emphasis is on me being single now ?

Thanks!