Advice/Resources for low agreeableness, anti-social folks?

[lmfao]

I'm 20 years old right now. It could be because I'm reducing my SSRI meds or just what I am in general right now but I've noticed that more recently I'm more mean, harsh and anti-social. A few things have been improving about me otherwise but just an undercurrent keeps growing and creeping on me. And I don't know why it's growing, all I know is that irritibality is creeping on me day by day without me doing anything to invoke so. 

Perhaps I've compressed my energies and potential for too long. I remember that it was just over a month ago, I randomly felt quite aggressive the next day. Like I randomly become "shadow possessed" or something. Sometimes it's positive energy, but most of the time it's been negative and uncontrolled. And ever since then I've been on little spikes up and down. 

I used to be a very polite and reasonably compassionate person when growing up. I think my superficial vineer of politeness has withered away due to constantly repressing myself. Now I'm a lot more arrogant and full of it. 

Guess I need to go back to the shadow work or something. 

Could just be as simple as, I'm regressing into a brainless chimp with thug psychology, which is just a broad thing to just work on. 

--

Thinking back I can see that the dominos in place for my personality being this way have always been present in my life, its only later that the dominos were knocked over and epigenetics happened. Maybe I inherited too much red from my mom, who knows 

Edited August 6, 2020 by lmfao

[universe]

Without knowing your specific situation.

In general when you are less agreeable and more harsh, inside you are loving towards yourself and have low tolerance for anything that is going against your way.

Ask yourself why you are that way and be compassionate towards yourself. Being loving towards yourself and giving yourself what you need in the moment is a very valuable skill.

What can be tricky is when what you want doesn't align with reality. You can not fight against reality, so make sure that your way includes the acceptance of what is.

[4201]

There could be many reasons for harshness but in my personal experience, my harshness towards other is caused by things about others pissing me off. In this case I have to ask myself why is that thing or behavior pissing me off and more often than not, I find that it is because the same thing pisses me off about myself.

For instance if I judge someone to be lazy it's actually because I dislike my self when I am lazy. Sometimes its a bit difficult to accept I am lazy (letting go of wanting not to be lazy) but at least awareness of this dynamic helps me being more tolerant of the other.

Maybe your problem is indeed more visible now that you are more authentic. But is it really worth it to go back to some superficial politeness? This may be a perfect opportunity to work on that aspect of yourself that was neglected because you previously didn't voice your thoughts.

You don't describe the nature of your harshness though so I could be totally in the wrong. In the end you need to investigate!

Edited August 6, 2020 by 4201

[lmfao]

Thanks for the replies @universe and @4201, I've given them attention. The framework of my mind when asking that question is obsolete for now since I've felt my consciousness be struck by lightning whilst contemplating into another mystical state which I'm still in now. But I still wish to discuss this topic.

The meat of the issue here is neuroticism (not strictly limited to the big five sense of that word). Simply put, far too sensitive to disturbances and stepping of toes. Quick to anger with a temper.  I think I have been "shadow possessed" by things I've repressed for a long time. 

Partially though I don't really have a problem, just the pussy side of me was getting worried and neurotic about it. I can just come across as intense to other people, and I let thoughts about what others perceive effect me. 

I think I took the cowards way out in life. Because I've been treated unfairly in the past, no one else gets to be treated nicely. And defensive manoeuvres or reasoning hide that fact.


 

Edited August 7, 2020 by lmfao