Failed psychoanalysis and now looking for utopia

[Buba]

I dont know why I suffer tremendously just because my parents know about my homosexual acts. I crave for my previous heterosexual image. I became mentally crippled. I stopped even brushing my teeth. I almost dont eat. I walk inside the house for hours, cant sit still.

[cobalto]

@Buba i think you should leave all images of yourself. It's not an easy job. I'm sorry for your suffering, I understand that, when I was a teen I had that horribles obsession about my image 24/7, because my father always shows me despite and anger. I thought I was becaming like esquizofrenic. I had to fight very hard to go ahead. It's the only advertising that I can do...figth. but maybe it's not the best for you, idk

 

[Buba]

On 8/7/2020 at 10:13 PM, seeking_brilliance said:

@Buba is there a consequence for not doing that?

I cant live alone. I am mentally crippled now.

[Artsu]

This is concerning your identity and image, which is ego and persona.

I guess the standard advice is to lessen your focus on these things and to find who you are on a deeper level.

You don't need to obsess about issues like you are. Take it easy.

[Buba]

I do my best to not care but to no avail.

[Leo Gura]

On 8/7/2020 at 7:43 AM, Buba said:

How?

Psychedelics

[Nak Khid]

On 8/5/2020 at 10:27 AM, Buba said:

 I feel huge discomfort. I lost connection with my parents. My heterosexual image collapsed. My world collapsed. I feel like I will stay like this forever. I feel like I will never be happy because my parents know I had sex with men.

My sense of self hurts so much.

Is there a place where I can heal? Psychologists and psychotherapies will not help me.

1) How old are you?

2) Who's idea was it for you to see a psychologist?
You or your parents' ?  

3) What was the goal supposed to be? Was it for the psychologist to help you accept all your feelings of homosexuality and homosexual behavior 
or was the goal to get you to stop having homosexual feelings and doing homosexual behavior? 

[tsuki]

@Buba Your country has a heavy stigma around homosexuality and it is not to be taken lightly. The thoughts you have about your homosexuality are not yours. It must be so difficult to constantly listen to them.

When I read your story, I thought that your parents are not ready to face this stigma within themselves so they had to ostracize you. If your financial circumstances allow it, I suggest that you distance yourself from them because they will not help you heal.

If you know that you are homosexual, then there is only one way to proceed from here. Accept it, and don't give power to thoughts that bully you.

[Buba]

3 hours ago, Nak Khid said:

1) How old are you?

2) Who's idea was it for you to see a psychologist?
You or your parents' ?  

3) What was the goal supposed to be? Was it for the psychologist to help you accept all your feelings of homosexuality and homosexual behavior 
or was the goal to get you to stop having homosexual feelings and doing homosexual behavior? 

33

I had obsessions and was suffering and went to psychoanalysis. There it revealed I had repressed my passive homosexuality. I was so scared I attacked and tried to suppress my active homosexuality which I always aproved. I lost my mind (I dont know why) and told my parents about my homosexuality and homosexual experiences. They were shocked but still supportive. But I feel miserable because I lost my heterosexual image. I crave for it.

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Buba Your country has a heavy stigma around homosexuality and it is not to be taken lightly. The thoughts you have about your homosexuality are not yours. It must be so difficult to constantly listen to them.

When I read your story, I thought that your parents are not ready to face this stigma within themselves so they had to ostracize you. If your financial circumstances allow it, I suggest that you distance yourself from them because they will not help you heal.

If you know that you are homosexual, then there is only one way to proceed from here. Accept it, and don't give power to thoughts that bully you.

I am not homosexual but I have homosexuality mainly in fantasies. My parents dont ostracize me, they still see me as heterosexual who experimented with men couple of times. Even if I was gay they would still support me.

Now you can say what is the problem then? I dont know. I feel miserable because they know my homosexual acts. And I dont see myself as heterosexual like before in their eyes. It is not normal I know. 

[cobalto]

@Buba I understand that you regret to tell your intimacy to your parents, but it's done, so the only you can do is take the advantage to build a closer relationship with them. And if you accept and advertising, if I were you I d don't trust too much of the psichoanalists , and about sex...if you were born in my country , you get surprised how little importance give the people to that things about homosexual, active or passive. I know it's difficult depending of the environment where you d grow, but try to travel, read (and yes, psichodelic too). open your mind. Homo, straight, active, passive. It's less than nothing

Edited August 9, 2020 by cobalto
Mistake

[Buba]

2 minutes ago, cobalto said:

@Buba I understand that you regret to tell your intimacy to your parents, but it's done, so the only you can do is take the advantage to build a closer relationship with them. And if you accept and advertising, if I were you I d don't trust too much of the psichoanalists , and about sex...if you were born in my country , you get surprised how little importance give the people to that things about homosexual, active or passive. I know it's difficult depending of the environment where you d grow, but try to travel, read (and yes, psichodelic too). open your mind. Homo, straight, active, passive. It's less than nothing

It is not up to me. Something inside me is broken. Where is your country?

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, Buba said:

I am not homosexual but I have homosexuality mainly in fantasies. My parents dont ostracize me, they still see me as heterosexual who experimented with men couple of times. Even if I was gay they would still support me.

Now you can say what is the problem then? I dont know. I feel miserable because they know my homosexual acts. And I dont see myself as heterosexual like before in their eyes. It is not normal I know. 

Obviously, I don't know you, but it really sounds to me like you are not able to see past the stigma of homosexuality that has been imposed on to you. It sounds to me like you are doing a lot of mental gymnastics to convince yourself and your family that you are not gay. The problem is that, ultimately, you are rejecting and demonizing a part of yourself. You will not be happy this way.

If swallowing a dick makes you happy, what's so wrong about it?
Would it be so bad if you were doing that in a deserted island, just you and your partner?

Having an image of a heterosexual man is only sensible of you are relating to other people.

Edited August 9, 2020 by tsuki

[Nahm]

@Buba

A re-frame you might consider... your issue has nothing to do with the sexuality you’re talking about. It’s thinking about what other people are thinking. I’d read the six pillars of self esteem. 

[Happy Jay]

On 5.8.2020 at 6:27 PM, Buba said:

I had OCD with missions. I had been suffering for 14 years constantly because of these missions. I went to psychotherapists and swallowed antidepressants, meditated and none of them helped. I went to psychoanalysis and it revealed I had repressed my passive homosexuality which allegedly caused my missions. I was devastated for 2 months. Then I figured out I am not gay and my homosexuality is repressed. 

I was so scared of my passive homosexuality, I declared a war on my active homosexuality which is mainly in my fantasies and is 10 years old and I had sex with shemales and feminine gays 6 times in last 10 years. I wanted to get rid of my active homosexual desires although during these 10 years I always approved them. It is absurd that I knew I will never be pure heterosexual or asexual, but still I chose to not accept my 10 years old active homosexuality and chose to suffer. It is absurd that in order to be happy I did my best to accept my passive homosexuality, because I knew I cant escape it. But I never tried to accept my active homosexuality, although I knew I cant escape it. It is totally absurd. I had such a hysteria “I dont want to be bisexual, I dont want to be bisexual”, I told my parents about my active homosexuality and my homosexual experiences and this absurd hysteria lasted for 70 days. After 70 days I suddenly felt fear and then I figured out what an absurd I was doing. I was fighting against my harmless lovely 10 years old active homosexuality. Why? I still dont know. It was absurd and it was first time I experienced such a thing.

Since then I suffer tremendously because I told my parents about my active homosexuality, which was secret for 10 years. Of course they did not approve it but still did not make me upset. I feel like there is a spot in my soul. My heterosexual image I had since my childhood got destroyed. I lost my connection with my parents. They told me they still see me as heterosexual and I just made mistakes, but I still feel awful. They should have never know my secret, but I told them with my own mouth because of this absurd. 

I almost lost my job which I had for 8 years. I am mentally crippled. I cant do even very basic things. I do my best to accept the situation and dont care anything, but it is not up to me. I cant eat, sleep normally, I cant sit. I always walk and think about that absurd which caused me to tell my parents about my homosexuality. How come I did not accept my active homosexuality? But I accepted it 10 years ago. How come I tried my best to accept passive homosexuality which was devastating for me but I did my best not to accept my active homosexuality which I always cherished? 

Since January I am in a constant suffering (2 months passive homosexuality concern which disappeared because the urges disappeared, 70 days active homosexuality concern which I dont know why even started because during these 10 years I always approved it, and 3 months telling my parents about my active homosexuality concern which still lasts.)

My father got angry at my psychoanalyst and told him not to have psychoanalysis with me. He got scared and agreed. Now I am looking for a place where they can heal me. Meditation, psychoanalysis, different therapies and etc. Utopia. My sense of self hurts so much. If this absurd did not happen, I would be very happy and grateful for going to psychoanalysis. But this absurd happened, I lost my mind and attacked my active homosexuality (and I knew I would lose) and told my parents my 10 years old secret. I cant accept it I told them about my secret. I feel uneasiness, as if there is an eternal spot in my soul. I feel huge discomfort. I lost connection with my parents. My heterosexual image collapsed. My world collapsed. I feel like I will stay like this forever. I feel like I will never be happy because my parents know I had sex with men.

My sense of self hurts so much.

Is there a place where I can heal? Psychologists and psychotherapies will not help me.

Hey Buba ,i'am sorry for your situation. Was your psychoanalyst Fariz Samedov?İ'm from Azerbaijan too and doing psychoanalysis once a week with him, but i have no idea how long it is gonna take untill i'll gain some profound insights.

[cobalto]

6 hours ago, Happy Jay said:

Hey Buba ,i'am sorry for your situation. Was your psychoanalyst Fariz Samedov?İ'm from Azerbaijan too and doing psychoanalysis once a week with him, but i have no idea how long it is gonna take untill i'll gain some profound insights.

What is psychoanalysis? Like mind masturbation. 

[Buba]

On 8/17/2020 at 9:55 AM, Happy Jay said:

Hey Buba ,i'am sorry for your situation. Was your psychoanalyst Fariz Samedov?İ'm from Azerbaijan too and doing psychoanalysis once a week with him, but i have no idea how long it is gonna take untill i'll gain some profound insights.

Yes Fariz Samedov. He is the only psychoanalytic in Azerbaijan. He is professional. Say hi to him next time and tell him about my topic in this forum :))))

On 8/17/2020 at 4:16 PM, cobalto said:

What is psychoanalysis? Like mind masturbation. 

It is kind of psychotherapy founded by Freud.

[Happy Jay]

19 hours ago, Buba said:

Yes Fariz Samedov. He is the only psychoanalytic in Azerbaijan. He is professional. Say hi to him next time and tell him about my topic in this forum :))))

It is kind of psychotherapy founded by Freud.

Of course i'll do :) . İ know that he is a professional man, but i don't know how long should it take in order to solve some relationship and social anxiety problems which based on my childhood traumas. İt is almost 2 months and i don't feel any improvement yet

19 hours ago, Buba said:

psychoanalytic

 

[Buba]

1 hour ago, Happy Jay said:

Of course i'll do . İ know that he is a professional man, but i don't know how long should it take in order to solve some relationship and social anxiety problems which based on my childhood traumas. İt is almost 2 months and i don't feel any improvement yet

 

It will take years, but it will help. My father did not let me go on. He threatened Fariz with his and his son’s murder. My father thought psychoanalysis made me worse. Actually my psyche is so crippled that psychoanalysis was mot guilty.

Fariz chickened out and abandoned me.

[cobalto]

@Buba think that psychoanalysis can help a little, but it really consists of reprogramming the ego, and what really helps is going beyond the ego. I do not know if you are familiar with these ideas, which come from very old. as an initiation you could read the power of now by eckhart toole, it is a fairly simple best seller but it contains the basis of these ideas quite clearly in my opinion.

[Happy Jay]

23 minutes ago, Buba said:

It will take years, but it will help. My father did not let me go on. He threatened Fariz with his and his son’s murder. My father thought psychoanalysis made me worse. Actually my psyche is so crippled that psychoanalysis was mot guilty.

Fariz chickened out and abandoned me.

Yeah i mean .i know that it is a long process,but i have money problems especially in my head ,it is like a torture giving so much money every month . That is way ,i need to see any difference between previous me and me after for example 15 sessions ,in order to get some motivation that these are all not for nothing. For example when i think that psychedelics can solve these issues more easyly and cheaper. I am getting suspicious about paying my money for some other problems of mine rather than for psychoanalysis ,which is not like a medical treatment ,so it has not any assurence i mean ,that is annoying me))