Why Do I Expect My Boyfriend To Cheat On Me?

[JXSTAR]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I have been in abusive relationships, and have even been sexually abused.

I was hurt very badly in my previous relationship and never thought I would be able to recover until I met him.

In my previous relationship, I was promised marriage but ended up watching him marry someone else after he had abused me mentally, physically and emotionally.

I have major trust issues and I even struggle to trust my family. I know it is not right to put your trust in people but how can this relationship work if I expect him to just do something wrong to me all the time?

I just do not know how to fix this, I really want things to work but my mind is all wrong.

I am not scared to be alone, I just really want things to work.

Now whenever I see him on his phone or answering a phone call I just expect it to be a woman/girl, and it even hurts when I see him smiling at his phone over Skype.

He has reassured me that he would never cheat on me or undermine me. He says he respects me and he knows everything that has happened to me. He is also a very closed person as is hard to get to, some times I ask him what he is thinking about and he says Nothing, but I know there is something. I know with time I will get to know him better and he may find it easier to open up. He isn't used to explaining how he feels or opening up. He told me he isn't the person he wants to be yet and he is still learning how to be better.

This is a long distance relationship.

What do I do?

[OlgaMack]

There is no good answer for you question and a long distance relationship... it's hard one. Just love him and enjoy your moments together. Shits happen every day, you should not afraid of things that cab be happen in future. Just be yourself and do the thing you love together. It is normal to be jealous sometimes, but not all the time.

[JXSTAR]

@OlgaMack I guess you are right.

If I feel jealous all the time, does that mean there is an underlying problem with me?

 

[ProblemSolving]

46 minutes ago, JXSTAR said:

If I feel jealous all the time, does that mean there is an underlying problem with me?

 

Of course. It is your responsibility to give yourself a positive feeling towards life. Never make someone else responsible for your happiness. First relationship that needs to work is the one between you and you. Find your inner peace. Work on your self-worth.

If that doesn't go deep enough, you probably still hold on to the past experiences. Turn it around, don't be traumatized by the negative ways how dudes treated you. But start to go deep into that matter. Don't settle. Understand the "why". Don't resist. If you have a really good friend you might ask him/her what might be "wrong" with you. Sometimes external feedback can help to understand stuff. Doesn't mean that you have to change in a way how people want you to, but just get an idea of how much of a difference there is between external expectations and what you are. This is also going a little bit off the good path, because the central idea is to just be yourself and not let anyone influence you. But in this case we go deeper and see different perspectives. Don't lose yourself too much in this.

 

[JXSTAR]

@ProblemSolving I know that I am a problem to myself. But I try so hard to change but I still feel myself falling in the same situation or mindset.

I understand that I have to give myself happiness, but I am just so focused on making other people ok and fixing their situations but not focusing on myself. To be honest with you, I don't even think I care for myself.

Thank you for your words. I will work on myself, I know I have to.

I spent some time reflecting over your words and what you said is true. I have to understand myself and be at peace with myself.

[ProblemSolving]

The reason why you "fail" is because you have this inner resistence. You fight against yourself to change. And this usually is a losing game. Become the change. Don't identify with the person you were and also not the person that you would like to become. 

And also don't hide your feelings by helping others. Be honest to yourself and don't help others until you helped yourself. Helping others in general is a great idea, I guess. A lot of noble qualities in there (I want to focus a lot on helping others as well), but you will build your existence on a weak foundation if you don't help yourself. I will use the word "egoistic" now, because noone needs to be afraid of that word. We all have an ego. "Egodeath" usually is a temporary state. Also killing something should NEVER be the solution  Anyway, I want you to be egoistic. Ego is a part of you and you need to give it some time to explain to you what it really wants. Sometimes giving the ego what it wants and then realizing that it actually is not that good, eventually brings the realization that the ego is bullshitting you from the start, therefore changing your perspective on life.  

[FindingPeace]

4 hours ago, ProblemSolving said:

Of course. It is your responsibility to give yourself a positive feeling towards life. Never make someone else responsible for your happiness. First relationship that needs to work is the one between you and you. Find your inner peace. Work on your self-worth.

I want to echo this. You can't rely on other people, things or situations to provide your happiness and fulfillment in life. You have no control over the external, only the internal, only you. Be your own best friend and find a love for life that is independent of other people. That way noone can hurt you because you are not attached to others and their validation/approval of you.

You can't control another human or the relationship you have with them. Only yourself. This doesn't mean living a synical life expecting the worst all the time but it does mean being accepting of reality and how reality works. You don't know what will happen, or what someone will do. But you can make yourself independent of it, not dependent on it. If you worry so much about a partner cheating on you then there is something within you that so desperately needs a partner in your life and one that remains loyal. Herein is the inner work that can unravel the causes of your feelings towards relationships.

Remember that noone else's actions are a complete reflection of you. They say more about the other person. If someone cheats, it's not always about you, it's about them. Learning not to take it personally is a good start. Whenever you feel that something is personal, flip it around and see what it says about them instead. And likewise, when you find yourself overly invested in the behaviour/opinions of others, flip it around and see what, within you, is driving your investment in them.

 

[JXSTAR]

@ProblemSolving I appreciate the time you have taken to message me. Thank you for your words.

I thought that is what it was. I often tell myself that I feel like I am fighting with myself. I guess this was deeper than I thought.

I always thought it was a good idea to hide my feelings because it takes my mind off myself and my sad existence. There are many times that helping people has made me stop thinking about taking my own life. It gives me a reason to live.

I have to make a decision to work on myself and stick to it. Maybe it is time I focused on myself.

 

[JXSTAR]

10 minutes ago, FindingPeace said:

I want to echo this. You can't rely on other people, things or situations to provide your happiness and fulfillment in life. You have no control over the external, only the internal, only you. Be your own best friend and find a love for life that is independent of other people. That way noone can hurt you because you are not attached to others and their validation/approval of you.

You can't control another human or the relationship you have with them. Only yourself. This doesn't mean living a synical life expecting the worst all the time but it does mean being accepting of reality and how reality works. You don't know what will happen, or what someone will do. But you can make yourself independent of it, not dependent on it. If you worry so much about a partner cheating on you then there is something within you that so desperately needs a partner in your life and one that remains loyal. Herein is the inner work that can unravel the causes of your feelings towards relationships.

Remember that noone else's actions are a complete reflection of you. They say more about the other person. If someone cheats, it's not always about you, it's about them. Learning not to take it personally is a good start. Whenever you feel that something is personal, flip it around and see what it says about them instead. And likewise, when you find yourself overly invested in the behaviour/opinions of others, flip it around and see what, within you, is driving your investment in them.

 

@FindingPeace  This is what I have always wanted. To not be hurt by what other people do - I obviously wear my heart on my sleeve and always want to do everything for people. I dream of not being hurt by others and their actions.

You are completely right. It is just making my brain understand that we cannot control life and something happens you've just got to get up and keep moving. The thought of it, makes me dislike life even more.

I appreciate you saying that and you've made me see things in a totally different way. I always look at myself and judge myself because of what people do to me; thinking "what did I do wrong" or "maybe it is my body, my voice etc." It is all I ever do. I have just got to understand that shxt happens right?

Thank you.

[Leo Gura]

Women with abusive relationships? It always boils down to low self-esteem. Check out Nathaniel Branden's work.

You will NEVER be able to have a healthy relationship until you solve the self-esteem issue. It would really be worth the effort for you.

[JXSTAR]

@Leo Gura Thank you so much for getting back to me Leo. I love your work and I appreciate all you are doing for me and others.

You are completely right. I will take a look at Nathaniel's work and I have seen you have some videos as well on self esteem.

I have made up my mind that I will work on this from this day forward because I would really like my relationship to work.

[ArabiaNytes]

@JXSTAR 

Only a year? Give it time. A great relationship develops and grows together, through thick and thin.

Long distance? There is hope yet! My man and I started out our first four years apart because he had joined the Air Force before we got together.  We moved in after he came home. It will be eight years in December for us kids of 25 years of age.

You have a past...but don't let that colour your future. Practice patience with him and especially yourself. Communication is KEY. I understand all too well on how overthinking can result in jumpin' the gun, often times shootin yourself, or his, in the foot. His understanding over time will reassure you because actions speak louder than words---especially to those of us wounded by those who come close to us. 

p.s. Try to practice faith in that he isn't cheating, for if he never gives you a reason, then he typically doesn't have anything to be guilty about.

p.p.s. If that isn't enough....snoop, jus once! But promise yourself two things first:                1. Do NOT overeact where it is not due.            2. ONLY ONCE. (Unless you are given some true reason to go for a second run at it.            (3....Don't get caught. )

All the best, ♡.

[JXSTAR]

@ArabiaNytes

thanks for your message. 

I will give it time, I worry too much. He hasn't given me a reason to think he is cheating.. I think it is just me. I do also believe that I have to be paitent and to have the confidence in myself to believe that if he won't treat me right someone else will.. If he doesn't value me someone else will and that even if he does cheat, I done all I could to keep our relationship and help him in everyway possible. I done what I could.

I love him and your story has also given me hope in being patient and in long distance relationships. 

Was it hard at first to be without him? How did you learn to cope?

[Merry Mount]

This is what I have I learned about jealousy:

It is not about whether he cheats or not. Jealousy is the insecurity we feel when
our relationship is not an honest and loving one. Jealousy is all about how we feel about ourselves.

Jealousy is silent cries for love, and understanding.

Jealousy can be found within all of us, to some degree, and the emotions of jealousy are the same. The degree may differ. The catalyst for the emotions may also be different. You may be jealous of a co-worker’s or sibling's success. It may be that you felt envy. It still has the same detrimental effect on your mind and body.

Go back in memory to a time you were jealous of a playmate or sibling. Take your memory as far back as possible to an incident in your childhood when you were jealous.

Bring it to the front of your mind and feel the past-remembered emotions.

Dig deep into them.

Put yourself mentally back to that time.

Ask yourself the question: “What was I afraid of?".

The answer will sound something like: I'm afraid I am not pretty enough, smart enough, lovable enough, nice enough or worthy enough to be with this person.

As adults we have very few new emotions. The death of a loved one is one of the few exceptions. Divorce and death often elicit  the same emotion because it is a loss.

Jealousy can be just as painful because it sets the groundwork for future insecurities.

Our brains were wired to react to jealousy at a young age. You have the opportunity now to re-wire your mind by neutralizing the emotions that are the result of our childhood perceptions.

These jealousies are remembered emotions.

80% of these emotions based on these emotions were created before the age of three.

We learned these reactions, beliefs, fears and self-judgments while going through the terrible twos. Put that into perspective when you try to figure out your emotions. lol

To fully understand our emotions, let's first understand what our emotions are:

Emotions as defined in early Greek are: to emote ions (to give-off electrical charges, both positive and negative)

If this is a fact, then emotions are electrically charged. The logical way to calm the negative electrical charges is neutralize them by providing positive stimulation.

f this is a fact, then emotions are electrically charged. The logical way to calm the negative electrical charges is neutralize them by providing positive stimulation.

Go back to your childhood memory. Does that particular person still bring up bouts of jealousy? When we are jealous we tend to exaggerate their qualities and limit our own.

Did your jealousy cause you to succeed because you "wanted to show her"?

Or do the insecurities that were placed in your brain continue to haunt you and give you an excuse for failure? Do your childhood emotions keep you from success because you're afraid to try?

What happened to the person you were jealous of?

Does he or she have a perfect life?

Is he or she still thought of as pretty, smart, lovable and worthy? Is his or her life today perfect?

If not, then you should be able to see where her perception of self fell short of reality.

If the person of whom you were jealous is still in a position that you find enviable, then allow yourself to see the traits and opportunities that led him or her to success or beauty. Why was her best trait acquired to begin with? What “not good enough” was her driving force? Is it the same as yours? Well, it sure could be.

We create our realities by our perceptions. Once we change our perceptions, we change our realities and then we change our lives.

[Armand]

Long distance relationships are insane if you ask me. Trust is important, but with that you have no real means to trust the other person. Trust is built best when you can see and speak with a person. Living a life with them and growing off of one another. 

[ArabiaNytes]

@JXSTAR @JXSTAR

Well, he was on leave from boot camp so the future was known to the both of us. The longer we became a couple, the harder it was to be apart. We had to wait many many months in between visiting for only a couple weeks. We learned to cope because eventually his service would be over and he would have to come home. That was one of the most joyous moments in my life. The trust that was built on those four years apart really propelled our relationship to where it is today, almost eight years later from when it began. I am a pretty modern chick, but I can attest that the more traditional way to go about growing a relationship is the better way, instead of quick hookups and shit like that. We grew together and our future as of yet is looking very bright. If it's for the right person, long distance has many benefits that reward the relationship's bond over time.

[ArabiaNytes]

On 8/22/2016 at 1:20 AM, Armand said:

Long distance relationships are insane if you ask me. Trust is important, but with that you have no real means to trust the other person. Trust is built best when you can see and speak with a person. Living a life with them and growing off of one another. 

 

Yeah, they are insane, hence it's the reason why MOST do not survive. But there are no absolutes. Please don't advise "the best" as a ruling for such a situation that is truly unique to every relationship. Actually, trust is built better when you are practicing it day in and out over a long period of time, regardless of physically seeing one another, but especially when the couple is long distance. Eventually, her man will come to be with her so it counts very much in the end. The OP was looking for some reassurance for hope, but you felt the need to add your two cents in of negativity. For shame. 

[Armand]

On 8/27/2016 at 0:56 PM, ArabiaNytes said:

 

Yeah, they are insane, hence it's the reason why MOST do not survive. But there are no absolutes. Please don't advise "the best" as a ruling for such a situation that is truly unique to every relationship. Actually, trust is built better when you are practicing it day in and out over a long period of time, regardless of physically seeing one another, but especially when the couple is long distance. Eventually, her man will come to be with her so it counts very much in the end. The OP was looking for some reassurance for hope, but you felt the need to add your two cents in of negativity. For shame. 

My apologies on the negativity. I couldn't do it so I find it hard to believe that is is possible. I actually lived 4 hrs away from my girl. Having her near me was essential to both of our happiness. If we did not live together now then I am sure we would of gotten really tired of trying to drive back and forth. I have no doubt one of us would of gotten bored with not having someone around for fun. It really takes the joy out of life when you sit at home worrying if the other person you care for is out doing things they should not, or if they are dead in a ditch somewhere. 

[ArabiaNytes]

Yeah, I can understand that kind of depravity. It requires patience, faith and an end game. It is not for many, but it is for some. We all should find out that out for ourselves. And it can be possible.

[flhugoboss]

no way. just leave. you heard of MCI (Massive Communication Incapable) Telephone company? long distance. never work. forget it. your bf is not in the Airforce. as previous post whose long dist bf is in the Airforce...of course, if i am girl, i am "never" going to leave my bf who is in the Airforce... you kidding me... always have a paycheck plus good health...i don't care what distance...

anyways.. just leave. 

"He isn't used to explaining how he feels or opening up.." 

Yeah, if a hot girl comes alone better looking than you and skinnier, I am sure he'll be opening up to her instead. 

anyways.. just leave.

you be better off to find your better half. cus guys like that is always hiding something. cus there is certain kind of transparency and bond he and you have to make, otherwise, this is not going to work.

Sincerely,

Felix the Hugoboss

 

Edited September 2, 2016 by flhugoboss