The Eternal search of meaning. Purpose. Career. Dating.

[ertopolice]

Hello to all,

First of all, apologies for my english (not my first language)

But, to the point..

After having read ur posts and checked out some of the materials in here I finally decided to post.New on this path and on the forum aswell. Can't really tell when of how is it that whatever is happening to me started.

As a background. I am a 31yr old single female. Feeling stuck in all of the above to be honest..

Always thought that my life purpose was to improve constantly (career focused specially). I reached the top in my career and was SO unhappy. Family issues and too much stress made me quit my job. I regret having done this and I AM STUCK.

I work as a first line responder in this pandemia. I was a career high achiever and nowadays after quitting my last job I am getting only "shitty" jobs. 

The thing is that having been EXTREMELY career focused I missed all my youth, hardly got any friends and parents have been on and off sick for years (i focused on my career to forget about their issues).

I love fitness, hit the gym and also try to cultivate any other areas of my life that i consider a priority (reading, self-actualization, music).

My female "friends" are so obsessed with money, marriages, children..they talked to me in the past because of my position but now that i "failed" the do not reach contact. I feel lost. Feel that i send my life to trash. No career, no family, no "normal" life for a woman. 

Dating related...i see no pick up material here in my small town. I work many hours a day and the only free time i get to the gym or to the wood. I appreciate that my partner has to be balanced in all of those (physical, mental, into self-actualization..). Apps? not for me in a small town....i tried, with no pics, only with quotes and searching for someone who would be interesting in chatting with a "girl with some brain". Failed. They ask for pics. When they see u got a quite ok physique the situation changes...tired of that!

 

Any input is welcome.

Honestly, I do not recognize myself for all these years..I am not who I used to be (the high achiever). I keep going. I keep working on all those areas and I see myself more mature, more aware of it all but still....where am I going in this path?

Thanks for reading!

 

 

[wwhy]

Left your job. Friends left. No partner. No kids.

Things seem to be just lining up for a move to a bigger town.

[Gili Trawangan]

It sounds like most of your life has been geared towards doing. Perhaps it's time for you to give way to Being. If you're on this forum then you're aware of spirituality and what that means. Finding out what/who you truly are is a game-changer. Not because your life circumstances change, but because you realize that circumstances don't really matter. And a child-like wonder is brought forth.

I know this might be sounding abstract, but the search for objects (whether it's money, relationships, friends, whatever) will just keep you on the hamster wheel, it doesn't bring happiness, as you've already realized.

So you have two choices. You can keep searching for objects, move to a bigger city and start dating, making friends, etc. (nothing wrong with that), though you might find sooner or later that the fulfillment you long for is not to be found in those things. Or you can look for that fulfillment within. It's already there, believe it or not.

[ertopolice]

@K Ghoul @wwhy @Gili Trawangan

Many thanks for your messages!

 

@Gili Trawangan Exactly! then I quit my supposed to be "dream job" i felt the need that i no longer belong to this town now that i lost my status. Also, in all those years i got nothing but just that WORK and friends an colleagues were into marriages or long term relationships.

I considered moving from here, but i never dared to do it. 

I kinda introvert because I need lots of alone time but i am also a person who enjoys company, sharing experiences and relating other persons...so I guess I would have no problem with that.

Here I tried to socialize a bit more but I feel uneasy because many ppl know me and it shocks them a lot me still being single and SO alone sometimes that I only work, train, buy groceries or visit the forest with my readings. Ladies are the worst honestly. I got rejected by many of them to their girly plans because some of them are pure gold diggers or are just frustrated with their lives. Ok I need some boost or balance or something but I am SO COMMITED PERSON and humble. I try to help others not envy them for their achieves made by hard effort! (applies to all..career, physique, spirituality)

 

Regarding the spiritual path. That's what I am in here. It is SO APPEALING to me and as I mentioned, sometime in the past I felt that calling. Due to a toxic family member I almost lost my head when I realized she is a bad person and that she has been subcounciously harming me and also some other family members. It was a shock. I move for my place in several occasions because she searched for me (this can be related by family members and friends swell). I think I AWAKENED that time. Got a shock and almost could not speak, my thinking was slow, i also got lost in my town. Some family members took care of me that time. I recovered (I think) with no help, but struggling with all this reality in my day to day life. I've keep on with my shitty job to pay my bills and that stuff but still ALL THESE TEACHINGS I have been given..come on...after all this all and what I've been I think I am not %20 of the person I am to be! 

*Btw. This person is my mother, the person I spend all my life next to and taking care of (she got a cancer that is fully recovered nowadays)...she hates, and wishes me and all persons near her death. Again, she is free of any disease. She's been like this for years. Everyone knows of her strange character..and she loves no one. 

 

I wonder is the mentioned "awakening" is a real awakening or not. Do not want t use the work wrongly. I feel it was kind of a emotional shock..but still...my reality nowadays is so different and i link it with the extreme suffering 1. diseases. 2. emotional abuse 3. reality

 

Thanks for reading!