I want to cut my family off

[soos_mite_ah]

I have been stuck in the house with my parents for almost 5 months now. Normally I would be in college and I had plans to study abroad but because of the pandemic I had to move back home. I have since worked through a lot of family trauma in therapy so the good thing is that I'm not super triggered around my parents anymore. That said, I know deep down that I am not happy nor fulfilled here.  It is rather draining to deal with them. I simply want to detach and move on. I tried to talk to my dad about this since he tends to be more understanding.

I told him that I want to leave as soon as I become financially independent because even though I am not in pain, I simply don't like it here. He went on this whole thing on how I "don't have family values" how "blood is thicker than water" and how "there is no one like family because people outside of your family don't care about your best interests and will stop at nothing to screw you over."  I know a lot of this has to do with trauma and his upbringing, but the whole concept that you should do anything for your family and take whatever is dealt to you rubs me the wrong way.

I started thinking this way in regards to cutting my family out even before the pandemic started. In January, I went with my family to the Taj Mahal. It was a beautiful place and I enjoyed taking in the experience but I felt miserable during most of the trip my mom was yelling at the service workers  and the rest of my family was going on rants about nationalism.  It taught me that I could be in one of the most beautiful places. I could literally be standing in front of one of the seven wonders of the world, but with the wrong people around me, I simply won't be able to take any of that beauty in. It was heart breaking. I feel so trapped in this circumstance with no place to go, not because of the pandemic but because of narratives of how "family is the only one who is going to love you" that are being fed to me.  As concerned as I am about the pandemic, I kinda can't wait to go back to college. I realized that I'd rather be alone during a pandemic than be with my family at paradise.  My life is beautiful and I want to appreciate it to the fullest extent. 

I also grew up South Asian and I feel that this narrative of putting family first is so pushed on us and for a long time I thought that cutting off your family was simply a white people thing. 

I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I'm just done. I love my family, I just don't want to have anything to do with them. 

Edited August 3, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[allislove]

18 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

My life is beautiful and I want to appreciate it to the fullest extent.

Sounds amazing 

[Artsu]

Honouring your mother and father is one of the 10 commandments.

That being said, I don't speak to my father any more, and that's not dishonour.

Actually I'm not sure what does count as breaking that commandment. It's a sin I don't understand, yet. So I'm not saying not to cut them off, but be careful to honour them.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm saying, but intellectually I think it is correct.

[soos_mite_ah]

@dflores321 You're right, it does feel like it will take forever right now. But one day it is going to be a part of the past and its going to be like a dream because neither the past nor the future exist. They are both imaginary because they are the stories we tell ourselves. The only thing that is real is the present. 

[Akemrelax]

This is a typical South Asian problem. Just realize that your parents love you. A lot of the answers are from a western pov. If you’re culturally SA, you know the relationship is not the same, the advice, “forget about your parents” doesn’t work. The relationship is too strong. But I don’t know how SA you are. 

Regardless, if you want your parents off your back then you simply have to financially free. Especially don’t rely on them. Rent/buy your own place, have a purpose, a stable job, help them with money, and your South Asian parents will leave you alone. All parents want their kids to stand in their own feet. You need to integrate stage orange for this.

If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, then that’s a separate thing. My relationship with my parents is amazing. I can live with them forever. I love them.

If you want space immediately, then go for a walk, a drive, or hang out outside with friends. 
 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Akemrelax my parents are south asian and I grew up in the U.S. 

Growing up I had trouble opening up and talking to my non-south  asian friends at school because I thought they wouldnt understand.

With my south asian friends it's like they get how difficult it is on cutting your family off when you're south Asian because they know how much family and collectivism is emphasized but at the same time we are all stuck on the same boat so there is only so much any of us really knew. 

When I was still in school, I had pleanty of time outside of the house. During the pandemic I've just been stuck inside and my mom is paranoid af. I still try to go on drives to cope but it isnt the same. 

I definately love my parents and I know they love me too. They are doing the best they can given the tools they received in their emotional tool kit. But at the same time I often think it's best to just love them from afar. 

[Zak]

Disconnection from parents to child in early childhood leads that child to ditch on family later. Living with disconnected parents is a living hell. I can relate to your Taj Mahal experience.

Your mental well-being is important than anything. Living with your family is a disservice to yourself. Your parents (almost all) already had their lives. Now it is your turn. Make it run by your terms.

Edited August 5, 2020 by Zak

[Akemrelax]

@soos_mite_ah Ya, so the best way to love them from afar is to become financially independent. (They can’t tell you what you can or can’t do with your own money.)

It will get better. Do your parents live with your grandparents? If not, then they’ll understand you moving apart too.

They probably don’t expect you to stay with them because you grew up in the U.S. In that way you have it better than SAs who grow up in SA. 

Edited August 5, 2020 by Akemrelax

[soos_mite_ah]

@Akemrelax my grandparents from both sides of my family have passed away unfortunately. But my grandmothet on my dad's  side did live with us. Nevertheless, my dad doesn't expect me to stay by their side all the time

I'm not super close with my dads side of the family and a lot of people in my moms side are like their own petri dish of issues. A lot of it has to do with generational trauma and after I found ways to heal, everyone just ceased to resonate with me. 

And yeah I'm thankful that there isnt the expectation that I'll stay with my parents until marriage thank godddd

[Akemrelax]

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

And yeah I'm thankful that there isnt the expectation that I'll stay with my parents until marriage thank godddd

Sons are expected to stay forever.... So if you find a SA guy to marry, just check on his parents expectations.

It is not necessarily a bad thing to live with your parents. I would say most SAs don’t even view it as a negative, like not at all. Many view it as negative to stay away from them.

I think it’s a case of cultural difference. You, as an American, would probably like more privacy and freedom than many SAs.

Many SA on the other hand, would view kids moving out as a betrayal of their parents. It’s a matter of cultural perspective.

There’s no right or wrong here. The only mistake I see many SA parents making is that they come to the West and raise their kids SA style but it goes horribly wrong when their SA expectations are destroyed because the kids are westernized. I think parents should have expectations relative to the culture their kids live in. 

Edited August 5, 2020 by Akemrelax

[Mada_]

"Family Values" don't make sense to me personally. 

I clash with my brother on this all the time; he is really emotionally attached to my immediate and extended family, whereas I basically see them like I don't give any particular importance to who I'm related to, they're just like everyone else to me.

I do appreciate growing up in a household that was creative (they are both artists) and having a family that doesn't abuse me. But I totally see that valuing family will and does get in the way of embodying your vision. I have never really found a reason to include family in my vision for my life, other than society telling me that family is super important for some reason. I can 100% relate to being around family when travelling and not being able to fully surrender to the experience.

 

I would say that you can be ruthless to who you "cut out" of your life, and at the same time be courteous to their feelings. Unless the entirety of your life's vision is to "please mommy and daddy", then they don't need to be a big part of your life, that doesn't mean you need to stop calling them or visiting them on their birthdays. 

You sound really wise and inspiring, I wish you all the best.

[Nahm]

On 8/3/2020 at 0:35 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I simply won't be able to take any of that beauty in. It was heart breaking

That perspective is heart breaking, not the circumstance. If you were as limited in perspective as you pretend to be, it’d feel just fine. But it doesn’t, cause you’re not. The things you’re saying about your family are comedic gold. Why so serious. 

[Arcangelo]

Moving out is not cutting them off. Your relationship with your parents will be better when you move out.

[kag101]

Limit as much as you can the amount of time you spend with them.