Wanting A Different Point Of View

[soniadoll_]

Today I had a 38 year old male client who is a friend of my boyfriend's sister wanting a manicure and haircut. I felt very uncomfortable during the manicure service because he started to tell me that he has big feet and that girls also have feet fetishes (I'm sorry for bad grammar) and asked me if I have a feet fetish, or anything weird that I'm into. I kept calm during the entire process because I tried to stay in reality and focus on the process. I have been judging and criticizing this man whom I have met before and had a previous uncomfortable situation happen. I take responsibility for agreeing to  cut his hair, but I want to know how should I feel about this. Is intuition the same thing as judgement? Ugh, sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel so underdeveloped and even dumb for asking these kinds of questions that people wouldn't even give a second thought too. Thanks for taking the time.

[FindingPeace]

If someone tries to engage you in a conversation that you feel uncomfortable about then you can either tell them honestly that you're not comfortable with it or that it isn't appropriate. Or you can end the converstaion by not feeding in to it - give answers that don't provoke further enquiry. If that doesn't work then end the conversation directly as already mentioned.

Perhaps he's interested in you and isn't being discrete about it. Maybe. But you don't have to engage with that. You could avoid him in the future but that doesn't really address the situation. Personally I see honesty as the best policy here. Tell him directly that you're not interested and don't wish to engage in flirtitious or other similar conversation or behaviour. If he isn't respectful of that then he isn't someone you want to be around.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, soniadoll_ said:

Today I had a 38 year old male client who is a friend of my boyfriend's sister wanting a manicure and haircut. I felt very uncomfortable during the manicure service because he started to tell me that he has big feet and that girls also have feet fetishes (I'm sorry for bad grammar) and asked me if I have a feet fetish, or anything weird that I'm into. I kept calm during the entire process because I tried to stay in reality and focus on the process. I have been judging and criticizing this man whom I have met before and had a previous uncomfortable situation happen. I take responsibility for agreeing to  cut his hair, but I want to know how should I feel about this. Is intuition the same thing as judgement? Ugh, sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel so underdeveloped and even dumb for asking these kinds of questions that people wouldn't even give a second thought too. Thanks for taking the time.

This is a personal boundary thing and not about judgement or moralization. You don't have to judge him, but if you feel uncomfortable, tell him firmly that you don't like talking about these things. If he continues, refuse to work with him in the future. This is about you honoring your personal boundaries and not sign of weakness. You have to make sure that this man knows where your boundaries are, because he'll continue to push them.

[soniadoll_]

@Emerald Wilkins @FindingPeace Man, thank you for replying so quick, I haven't been able to sleep because of the situation that keeps replaying in my mind, and what I could have done differently. I felt like I wanted to speak up but its something I have never done before, so I just kept being polite. Thank you for making me realize that I need to honor my boundaries. I feel a bit of anger and I don't know what to do with this emotion.

[FindingPeace]

40 minutes ago, soniadoll_ said:

I feel a bit of anger and I don't know what to do with this emotion.

Anger towards whom? Him for being the way he is, or you for not maintaining your boundaries? There's no need for any anger here. The situation was what it was. More than anything it has provided you with experience. Every experience in life has value as it gives us the opportunity to grow and better ourselves. There's no failure, no fault, no blame. It is also in the past now. From here on is the present moment and the future. Which need not be a repeat of the past.

42 minutes ago, soniadoll_ said:

I haven't been able to sleep because of the situation that keeps replaying in my mind, and what I could have done differently.

This is the cycle we often get caught up it. In fact it's this constant replaying of the 'movie' in our minds that actually causes more suffering than the situation itself. The situation lasted for a finite duration and has since passed yet the mind keeps replaying and reliving the moment, creating constant suffering even after the 'real' situation has dissipated.

What could you have done differently? Nothing. Because you did what you did and what happened happened. There was no alternative to that. The proof is, that it happened as it did. But from that experience there is something to be learned that can be used in the future. That is growth. So try not to judge or criticise this situation or yourself. It is all part of growing.

Take a moment to sit quietly somewhere and practice some mindfulness. Get in to the present moment and become aware of your surroundings and of yourself. See that you are perfectly ok right there and then and that nothing is happening to you and that the past situation isn't occing right now. Become aware that your thoughts are trying to tell a story and replay a movie but that those thoughts are just thoughts - they are not reality. Whenever the thoughts try to pull you back in to the content of the movie, bring your awareness back to the present moment and reassure yourself that all is well exactly in that moment.

As for the future? Boundaries take time to learn and enforce. If situations like this one happen again then take them as an oportunity to practice maintaining boundaries. But also, try not to judge the situation. Just respond to it. And once it passes reflect on what you have learned and what you can improve upon next time. Remember that the thought-stories that go on in your head are just stories about the event that you buy in to. The key is to let these stories run but without getting invested in them. Whenever you feel caught up in your thoughts, take a moment out, get in to the present moment and ask yourself whether the thought stories is real right there, right then, in that moment, or are you ok and safe?

 

[soniadoll_]

@FindingPeace Yes, it was anger towards me but you have brought me out of the darkness once again. Thank you for taking the time and helping me understand that boundaries take time to learn and enforce.

[electroBeam]

@soniadoll_ I don't know much about you or your situation, but is asking you whether you have a foot fetish that bad of a thing to ask? Why do you take people's words so seriously? He is probably just trying to make a rather boring event fun and quirky.

You don't believe in freedom of speech either dont you? The thing precious leftys like you need to understand is that words coming out of his mouth are just sound waves, that's it. You can easily ignore the meaning of those sound waves, and then the problem will disappear.

You say your having trouble sleeping at night because of it. I don't know why, what's the worst thing that can happen? He can get upset that you are ignoring him. And besides, have you noticed that the thing that's stressing you out are just thoughts, they aren't even real. Distance yourself from them. 

People literally ran directly into line of fire back in world war 2, and you can't sleep because of sound waves exiting someone's mouth? You are making too much of a deal out of this, don't listen to those self sabotaging thoughts. 

Edited August 6, 2016 by electroBeam