Existence

[alchemizt]

I smoked a large amount of bufo 6 months ago and I was completely unready for it, or was I? I don't remember everything, I'm not sure if I remember anything but at the same time I do remember things. I still don't logically understand how I can still exist after seeing what I've seen. I can't unsee what I've seen, but here I am still existing. It seemed really clear and obvious at the time that it was the end of my existence, and yet I still exist. Or do I?

3 months after it, I started getting these intense baffling dreams of infinity, annihilation, unfathomable things and every time it seemed clear and obvious that this was the end of my existence, that I can't exist anymore after seeing these things and each time I would wake up and find myself still existing. But I can't unsee what I've seen, it's realer than real and I'm not supposed to exist anymore but yet I still exist. It's like a paradox. My logical mind can't fathom it but experientially I exist. 

I can't actually fathom what it is to not exist. This question, is there existence beyond what I perceive as existence. Do I have an existence beyond what I perceive to be my existence. Will existence go on existing if I cease to exist. It's like there's nothing to hold onto, there's just an abyss and this scares the shit out of a part of me. I was getting panic attacks when I focussed too much on the question. The spirits taught me how to suddenly surrender when the panic attack starts and everything has changed. I thought I was traumatized after bufo, like id fragmented by mind. But it's interesting because I've traumatized myself in entheogen ceremonies in the past where I tried to annihilate my ego. This 5-MeO trip seems to have actually healed me from some of that. 

I can feel love emerge from the abyss. What is love really, where does it come from? Things are very paradoxical. I can see that sleep paralysis is connected to death, sleep paralysis happens when we won't surrender to the process of sinking into unconscious sleep. It can be a blessing because through it you can learn to pass through the gateway consciously. 

I could see on 5-MeO that this is the place that dreams come from. I could see everything, like all the mysteries of existence were no longer mysteries. I wasn't ready for that, it seemed to mean certain doom or annihilation. But I'm still existing. 

[cobalto]

It seems like a really intense and deep experience. How has it affected your daily routine? any major changes?

[alchemizt]

4 hours ago, cobalto said:

It seems like a really intense and deep experience. How has it affected your daily routine? any major changes?

It's changed everything, I can never be the same. Change in daily routine is I'm constantly saying mantras now and grounding myself and connecting with spirit. This dream phenomenon comes in waves and it's clear that I have to pull myself more and more into alignment or it gets more and more extreme. 

[Adamq8]

7 hours ago, alchemizt said:

I smoked a large amount of bufo 6 months ago and I was completely unready for it, or was I? I don't remember everything, I'm not sure if I remember anything but at the same time I do remember things. I still don't logically understand how I can still exist after seeing what I've seen. I can't unsee what I've seen, but here I am still existing. It seemed really clear and obvious at the time that it was the end of my existence, and yet I still exist. Or do I?

3 months after it, I started getting these intense baffling dreams of infinity, annihilation, unfathomable things and every time it seemed clear and obvious that this was the end of my existence, that I can't exist anymore after seeing these things and each time I would wake up and find myself still existing. But I can't unsee what I've seen, it's realer than real and I'm not supposed to exist anymore but yet I still exist. It's like a paradox. My logical mind can't fathom it but experientially I exist. 

I can't actually fathom what it is to not exist. This question, is there existence beyond what I perceive as existence. Do I have an existence beyond what I perceive to be my existence. Will existence go on existing if I cease to exist. It's like there's nothing to hold onto, there's just an abyss and this scares the shit out of a part of me. I was getting panic attacks when I focussed too much on the question. The spirits taught me how to suddenly surrender when the panic attack starts and everything has changed. I thought I was traumatized after bufo, like id fragmented by mind. But it's interesting because I've traumatized myself in entheogen ceremonies in the past where I tried to annihilate my ego. This 5-MeO trip seems to have actually healed me from some of that. 

I can feel love emerge from the abyss. What is love really, where does it come from? Things are very paradoxical. I can see that sleep paralysis is connected to death, sleep paralysis happens when we won't surrender to the process of sinking into unconscious sleep. It can be a blessing because through it you can learn to pass through the gateway consciously. 

I could see on 5-MeO that this is the place that dreams come from. I could see everything, like all the mysteries of existence were no longer mysteries. I wasn't ready for that, it seemed to mean certain doom or annihilation. But I'm still existing. 

I can recommend that you read this book :

 

LSD AND THE MIND OF THE UNIVERSE - Christopher M Bach

[cobalto]

8 hours ago, Meta-Man said:

‘You’ are really a superimposition onto Reality. There is no ‘you’ -only Reality. And in Reality the illusion of a limited and personal ‘you’ appear.

Reality cannot disappear. Reality is One. One is Absolute and without opposite. One cannot begin, nor end. One is Eternity. One is Truth is Unity is Love.

You are Reality

You are God

Hallelujah!

Yes yes and yes. Just recovering of a 5 and I have in my mind your words.

[Artsu]

You're staring into the edge of the cosmos, where mystery is the way of things.

This is associated with Self death, beyond ego death. Whether you are going through Self death now, or you are seeing that it is coming, I know not.

Edit: I had a similar paradox related to solipsism. How can I be real, I thought?

Well, I am real. Time for the others to catch up!

Edited August 4, 2020 by Artsu

[alchemizt]

51 minutes ago, Artsu said:

You're staring into the edge of the cosmos, where mystery is the way of things.

This is associated with Self death, beyond ego death. Whether you are going through Self death now, or you are seeing that it is coming, I know not.

Edit: I had a similar paradox related to solipsism. How can I be real, I thought?

Well, I am real. Time for the others to catch up!

A few years ago I was getting blasted with visions and premonitions that death was coming. This was right before I did a series of Ayahuasca ceremonies where I naively tried to annihilate my ego. At the end of the last ceremony I saw the life be sucked out of me and I was left as a desiccated corpse. The weeks that followed I was getting bombarded with dark visions, the final one was in a dream where my friend closed my eyes over like you would a dead person. I was officially dead. It's a long and crazy story what happened since then but this bufo ceremony has shifted something. The last intense dream I had, there was a voice saying "do you want life, everlasting life?" and I screamed "I WANT TO LIVE!!!". It's really mysterious everything that's unfolded. It seemed like the most terrible imaginable things had happened, but something beautiful and sacred is emerging from it all. 

EDIT: I just noticed your signature "He who is dead must pray for life. For the living shall never die. Divine love". Can you explain what this means to you? 

 

Edited August 4, 2020 by alchemizt

[Artsu]

The comment about the divine love is similar to John 3:16 in the Bible, but you need to know what Jesus' true teaching was.

When a person gets the divine love, there is no going back. You wouldn't want to go back if you could. You are destined for the celestial heavens, which is above the spiritual heavens. 

It is like the choice between heaven and hell, except if both were heavens.

So when you pray for the divine love and receive it, you have eternal life. You are immortal. You will be an angel.

But most, I suppose, will never get it. They go to heaven but it is like they stay in hell. A wonderful hell ...