Should guy be the provider?

[Monkey_in_suit]

What do you think should a guy pay for everything in the relationship or not?

In my relationship with my gf I am paying everything, no matter is that dinner, hotel room or something else and that started to bother me.

Her top love language (talking about book 5 love languages) is gifts.

I don't think she is using me or something like that because she is really loving and caring and she is stage green but she once said that she thinks that guy should be provider and she never offers to pay anything.

 

[Gesundheit]

If things are fine don't mess them up. If you're happy with her don't mess it up.

[Michael569]

Personally, I don't think that's right. It is ok for a guy to pay more often, to pay for restaurants, outdoor activities or maybe to pay bills but the costs should generally be split. Of course this changes, if the man is the only source of income and the woman, decides to stay home for a couple years raising kids. In that case, it is ok for a guy to finance everything. 

If you are in a situation where both people earn decent money, there needs to be a split of rent, utilities and general costs. Guy and the girls should also learn traits that would have historically applied to single-sex. So while guy is doing dishes, ironing, cooking, taking care of plants and cleaning the bathroom, the girl should learn to fix the bike, to change water in a car radiator, to unclog the sink, to fix the toilet and replace all light bulbs in the house.  This prepares both for life in case they got separated and it also helps men to embrace their feminine side and women their masculine side. 

Otherwise, you'll end up with the stereotypical the provider and the housewife, the blueprint for slow suicide marriage. The guy always on top, the girl taking care of kids, the dad bribing kids with gifts that she can't afford and the mom falling into depression because she realises she has become a slave of her husband's will. (happened to my parents and got them eventually separated) 

 

[Rolo]

sounds like your dating a child in a grownup body.

[Preety_India]

Why would you not want to pay? 

And how does it matter if you pay or she pays? It's both of who you make the relationship. If she pays its like you paying. If she is going to be your future partner, it doesn't matter who pays 

I paid for everything in my relationship with my ex. I never thought even once why I was paying. But I did it  because in the back of my mind he was my future partner so it didn't matter if I spent anything for him..

The only thing I regret is that I spent a lot of money during the course of the relationship even for his travel and bills and expenses. But he betrayed me in the end. It felt like I wasted my money because I wouldn't have spent if there was no commitment from his side. 

It was my hard earned money and I had spent it thinking that I'm building a life with him for our collective future, so the money was spent to make our future together secure, since he betrayed me, it was natural for me to feel scammed /betrayed or used. 

My advice is that it doesn't matter who pays in a relationship because as long as the relationship is about creating a future together, it is the money that belongs to both.

Of course if a man was truly committed to me where he was almost my future partner, I wouldn't mind paying at all. Because any money that goes into something that he needs, would mean it's for both of us since we would be together. But I would think twice if the person wasn't planning to be with me or showed any hesitation or lack of commitment because it's for a person who you love but it's still wasted once the person is out of your life forever. 

 be aware that if you are truly ready to spend, it should be a relationship that carries enough merit, value and commitment. 

Because if you spend too much money over a prolonged period of time and that person abruptly breaks the relationship or was never intending to commit then it can feel like being used and exploited 

So make sure you spend your hard earned money only on a committed person. That person has no right to use your money and then leave you high and dry when they get a new person to feed their needs or when they are bored 

That's called low key sugar daddy use.

Edited August 3, 2020 by Preety_India

[Gili Trawangan]

If it bothers you then it's not ok. I can't stand it when girls expect to be taken care of and just take it for granted. In my book it's immediately over.

But I'm on the other side of the spectrum, for me being a provider and not even being acknowledged for it is repugnant. I totally understand if a guy isn't bothered by this the way I am, but that's clearly not the case with you, hence this post.

You're not going to change the dynamics now, you've taken on that role and now you're stuck with it. Accept it or tell her to take a hike. 

[wwhy]

51 minutes ago, Monkey_in_suit said:

Her top love language (talking about book 5 love languages) is gifts.

What is yours? Are you getting it?

52 minutes ago, Monkey_in_suit said:

 but she once said that she thinks that guy should be provider and she never offers to pay anything.

And what did she say is the girl should be in return?

Whatever you do, don't ever be someones doormat. It kills any attraction they have for you. You have value too, and they should act accordingly.

[Leo Gura]

@Monkey_in_suit You made a mistake in allowing her to set such a frame to begin with.

If a girl told me to pay for all her stuff, I would look at her like she's an idiot. She should be paying me just to get the chance to sleep with me << That's the proper attitude of a high value guy.

Gifts != paying for everything. Gifts is not about money. Gifts should come from the heart. Gifts can be cheap.

If a girl really likes you, she will sleep with you even if you never buy her a thing. And then, when you do occassionally buy her a little treat, she is thrilled cause she really appreciates it. Then she feels like she won you over with her sweetness.

One of the reasons I don't like to pay for her things is because I want her to be independent and not get lazy. If I support her, she will get lazy. Which is actually noy good for her. It's like feeding a wild lion at the zoo for years to the point where be forgets how to hunt.

[FlowerNote]

Take the responsibility to be the provider in the relationship, but only if she takes the responsibility to be the carer. Or share both jobs in a more equal ratio. Its about mutual respect. Like Leo said if you provide everything she will not be self-actualizing. But hey people like me just prefer a more passive partner.

[Michael569]

28 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

It depends on what you want, is she making up for it in other ways?  Like taking care of the house and stuff?  

Ofcourse, some women prefer it that way. I have a friend whose wife has pretty much become housewife, taking care of baby and the house and they both seem pretty happy with it.....at least on the outside but a resentment may be building on the inside. 

[Moon]

4 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Guy and the girls should also learn traits that would have historically applied to single-sex. So while guy is doing dishes, ironing, cooking, taking care of plants and cleaning the bathroom, the girl should learn to fix the bike, to change water in a car radiator, to unclog the sink, to fix the toilet and replace all light bulbs in the house.  This prepares both for life in case they got separated and it also helps men to embrace their feminine side and women their masculine side. 

I agree, so so important!!

The type of relationship I would want and I think work best are, the ones where basic necessities such as rent and food and essential costs are split. Any luxuries on top of that (eating out/activities/holidays), can be paid by either partner and it's cute to have alternating people pay for these, but they're not essential needs and there shouldn't be an expectation for only one of the partners to pay for this!

If a guy wanted to pay for most of these extra (non-essential) things out of choice, I'd be fine with it as I'd be content knowing I'm paying for the basics and I'm not reliant on the guy for survival 

I think it's only fair for the guy to solely pay for essential things in the scenario mentioned below, even if the woman has a lot of money saved up. Being a mother of young kids is a big role in itself that the man should provide for (until all the kids have started school IMO) 

4 hours ago, Michael569 said:

 Of course this changes, if the man is the only source of income and the woman, decides to stay home for a couple years raising kids. In that case, it is ok for a guy to finance everything. 

 

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Otherwise, you'll end up with the stereotypical the provider and the housewife, the blueprint for slow suicide marriage. The guy always on top, the girl taking care of kids, the dad bribing kids with gifts that she can't afford and the mom falling into depression because she realises she has become a slave of her husband's will. (happened to my parents and got them eventually separated) 

I think this is one of many scenarios of the traditional roles though, another could be the mum forms a close bond with the children through the time she gives them but the dad ends up feeling shitty from a lack of bond with his kids/wife and being overworked. There are other variations of this that would make healthy and happy marriages too for sure, between a hypermasculine and hyperfeminine women minus the toxic feminine/masculine traits perhaps.  

 

[Farnaby]

If it bothers you, that's clearly something you need to talk about. 

Personally, I wouldn't like it if my girlfriend expected that from me. I have no problem providing, but the expectation that I have to provide would bother me. It would feel arrogant to me. 

Alternating is the way to go IMO. It doesn't need to be exactly 50/50 but you shouldn't feel like you are the one who has to pay all the time. 

[Applegarden]

If she is open minded, can be reasoned to, and sees trough her mind games, which we all play, and can act regardless of social pressure and is an individual thinker while wanting to be ina relationship with you, i would put a ring on it. I would do 50/50 but we all have some quality/kink/talent only we individually can offer to our partner.

[MsNobody]

I think this is a cultural thing, where do you live? 
Im from Brazil and am used to the men paying for dinner, I’m pretty independent but I appreciate the guy paying, specially when it’s in the beginning of the relationship, after that I dont mind splitting. Little things like opening the door of the car, paying dinner, are things that are deal breakers for me here in US, I noticed that Californian men are very independent in a way, because of feminism they step away in their masculinity and lost sense where the middle ground is. 

I remember the first guy a dated in US, I would be barely leaving the car and he would already be inside his place. It’s such a turn off for me, it’s chivalry IMO, i feel like in California men are more feminine, so I usually date guys from other states or middle easterners that have been living here for a while. I’m super open minded and of course have big part of me at stage orange, but I’m a also hippie green, I would like the men to hold his ground and do his thing, be more masculine, if I split in a first date I’ll think the guy is not invested.

Maybe it has to do with men making more money in my country, but it’s what I’m used to, so you could take into account where you are, how is the culture etc. 

[MsNobody]

@datamonster exactly. I’ve never paid bills on first dates, but I have friends who actually paid for both, them and the guy, but also Im pretty 

The first thing that comes up in our female mind is: how is this guy gonna be able to provide for the family? It’s an instinctive thing. 
Men who won’t pay the bill for me are the same ones who will not know how to treat me well in bed, by well I mean bad ? sure some women like submissive men, but that’s not me..

maybe I’m lost in the female manipulation game, would like to hear more opinions on the topic  

[Monkey_in_suit]

It's not that I am paying her rent and her bills but I am paying every activities that we do together.

I realize subconciously it's my resentment to my dad who is very cheap and I am scared to be labeled like that so I often go at other side of spectrum without even realizing it.

Back in the days I was borrowing my money to people to which I shouldn't at all. Often when I see my mistake it's too late.

Anyway,I will have conversation with her and see how things will go.

[Moon]

 

2 hours ago, MsNobody said:

@datamonster exactly. I’ve never paid bills on first dates, but I have friends who actually paid for both, them and the guy, but also Im pretty 

Wow  looool

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The first thing that comes up in our female mind is: how is this guy gonna be able to provide for the family? It’s an instinctive thing. 
Men who won’t pay the bill for me are the same ones who will not know how to treat me well in bed, by well I mean bad ? sure some women like submissive men, but that’s not me..

Honestly, same! I see it as an attraction thing, the more masculine guys seem to be those who will argue with you for wanting to split the date  I know this is a hint of stage blue customs and the hospitality that comes with it, like this video below (I quite like it though)  

I would prefer if the guy paid for the first date...but if he didn't I'd be fine with splitting, NOT paying for him on the first date though!  On the next dates or in a relationship I would be much more willing to pay for such things though 

 

@Monkey_in_suit

Yeah defo speak up about your concerns, better late than never! Also be honest about why you felt you needed to pay all the time (to do with your dad etc), and hopefully she's open to compromise 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Honestly I wouldn't date a guy who doesn't pay for the first date. In my mind the first thought would be that he is simply fooling and not really invested in me. 

And to be totally honest, most guys don't want to pay for the exact same reason. So I would want to know the motivation behind not wanting to pay.. 

Financial investment is sometimes a sign of commitment. Men don't buy a large diamond ring for nothing. 

 

And my feelings as a woman are different. 

I don't find guys who argue on splitting money on their first date as masculine. I see them as insecure or weak. 

 

Edited August 4, 2020 by Preety_India

[Adam M]

Ask her to pay for the next dinner. If she refuses break up with her lmfao. Wtf is this sugar daddy bullshit.

At the beginning of a relationship, I don't mind paying for the first few dates, but after that everything should go 50/50 down the middle.

[Gili Trawangan]

Lol, paying for the first date... I don't even know the woman yet and I should already be invested? What about the flip side of that coin? "If the woman doesn't want to split the bill she's not invested, just looking for a free lunch..."

Girls are funny.