Guy friend suddenly cutting me off from his life

[Gesundheit]

@somegirl 

Hypothetically, even if you were purposely misleading him, it's on him if he doesn't take it well. Everyone is responsible for themselves. And there's common courtesy, which you showed.

But I guess I could see things from his perspective. What a lot of women don't know is that how you treat your female friends should be different from how you male friends, you probably act natural and "unfortunately" natural is sexy. There should be extra boundaries regarding males so that they know their place. Yet again I guess I could see things from your perspective. Boundaries decrease the quality of connection and that's your main concern of any kind of relationships. Perhaps you could find a better balance in the future.

[egoeimai]

You can only let him go. He liked you but you didn't, so you can't have him anymore because you 2 don't want the same things. So it's better to let him go. It would be fair for him, he'll find a girl that he likes and
more important a girl that likes him.

 

[wwhy]

14 hours ago, somegirl said:

@Artsu @Byun Sean @egoeimai @Gesundheit

@wwhy I didn't think he would react this way. I'm not even 100% sure that this was the reason why he got upset since he wouldn't really talk to me, but it seems likely. Also, yes I kinda felt he liked me more than a friend, but what could I do exactly in that situation? Not be his friend? I was trying to dismiss his flirtatious comments, even when I was single. I am 8 monghts into this relationship with my bf, so I guessed he knew, since I posted picture with him on social media.

@Michael569

 

You could be a more real friend. That means being open and honest with him about the situation. Your not his friend right now anyway, and he is both angry at you, and sad for himself. Being honest earlier on may have just made him sad for himself, and more respectful to you for your honesty (maybe - if not then good riddance anyway). The friendship may have also ended. Or it could have grown stronger, built on top of a more honest foundation (maybe.. some men still pretend to be friends after being knocked back - and I respect him for atleast not playing that game once everything was out in the open)

 

 

 

 

[somegirl]

@wwhy Um, I think he was not honest about the situation. I couldn't be 100% sure what's in his mind, so I just continued treating him as a friend. 

I think he had hidden intentions, which I kinda suspected but was not 100% sure cause he was not upfront about it, and this was therefore bound to fail.

[somegirl]

@Gesundheit I guess this was just bound to not work. I will contemplate on how to reduce possible misunderstandings in the future.

[egoeimai]

Just now, somegirl said:

@Gesundheit I guess this was just bound to not work. I will contemplate on how to reduce possible misunderstandings in the future.

He could at least asked you for sex. It would make him relax a little bit and let u go easier.

[somegirl]

@egoeimai Hahahah, that would be out of the blue type of move and kinda offensive. He could ask me on a date when I was single, but I would decline anyway so he would know where he's at with me.

[Gesundheit]

@somegirl I think he was faking his personal agenda around you. He wanted more than a friendship and thought it would happen on its own. Eventually he could not fake it anymore and returned back to his authentic self, which is not really interested in you as a person but as a gf.

[RareGodzilla]

On 3. 8. 2020 at 5:13 PM, somegirl said:

But when a girl wants to only be friends with a guy, I think she has the right to. Not everything has to end in a relationship. And politeness should not be misunderstood for "I'm interested in you". 

 

Of course that's true. But humans are emotional beings. If a guy likes you he won't act on logical basis.

[SgtPepper]

I agree with what everyone said here.

To avoid this its best to lay down boundaries early in the relationship. I also kind of feel like you're lying to yourself a bit.. The guy texts you "hey beautiful..." and its just a platonic friendship? I don't know about you, but thats not an appropriate friendship text. 

[somegirl]

@SgtPepper That is true, that message did made me question the intentions even more. I thought the same thing for a moment 

[wwhy]

On 8/4/2020 at 8:38 PM, somegirl said:

@wwhy Um, I think he was not honest about the situation. I couldn't be 100% sure what's in his mind, so I just continued treating him as a friend. 

I think he had hidden intentions, which I kinda suspected but was not 100% sure cause he was not upfront about it, and this was therefore bound to fail.

I think you were both not honest about the situation, and its great that you are open to learning and growing from it.

Your current boyfriend of 8 months, is he aware of your friendships with men who you know like you as more than a friend? How would you feel about your boyfriend maintaining a friendship with a girl who he knows wants to be more than a friend?

[wwhy]

1 hour ago, K Ghoul said:

 As long as they are being respectful, their sleazy hopes and dreams shouldn't bother you at all, like who cares.
 

What makes a hope and dream sleazy? Is a mans sexual desire for a woman always sleazy? Do you have any non-sleazy sexual desires?

 

1 hour ago, K Ghoul said:

It's normal for a girl to have lots of admirers, going out on dates with them, accepting their courtship etc. (no sleeping with any of them, obviously), screening for douchebags, and only keeping those around who are respectful. I can't think of any other method of finding a decent bf. It takes time to get to know someone, find out what he is about, what his character is etc. (cause they tell whatever lie it takes to get you in bed so only their actions/behavior really mean anything).

It is normal for a single girl earnestly looking. It is strange for someone with a boyfriend to be up to the same.

[wwhy]

10 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

@wwhy Please note that in order to categorize this situation as problematic, we first need to confirm whether she is sleeping with her bf of 8 months or they're still at the stage of dating/getting to know each other, and not having sex. 

Do you consider sleeping with someone the relationship equivalent of signing your signature on a contract? I don't. The sexual act is overrated in my opinion. If two people decide to be in a committed relationship, it is always problematic if a third other is secretly in the picture, regardless of whether they are having sex or not. You should always be honest with the people you care about, whether you're having sex with them or not.

[wwhy]

32 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

@wwhy adding context that you left out: "if this is your first date, and he is asking you his place or yours type of question  As long as they are being respectful, their sleazy hopes and dreams shouldn't bother you at all, like who cares."

In this context, yes, sleazy AF

So sleazy means to soon? Got it.

[wwhy]

35 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

I consider sleeping with anyone other than a husband equivalent to sleeping with a stranger. The sexual act is overrated in your opinion; in mine, sex is very important.

 

Sex is important. Sex is overrated. That's not a contradiction, think about it. Especially when it is used as some kind of goalpost on when to start acting with integrity. Just treat people like you'd like to be treated, regardless of the sex.

40 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

Again, in this particular situation with a girl and her bf of 8 month, she did not provide enough data in terms of what exactly the nature of their relationship is, what discussions they had, what agreements they made, etc.

She said she has a boyfriend. She thought her male friend already knew about her boyfriend. Do you really need any more information than that? If you think the only man a woman should be honest with is her husband and/or someone she is having sex with, I think sooner or later, that husbands going to be a very disappointed, betrayed man.

[Gesundheit]

7 hours ago, K Ghoul said:

Fun fact: a guy will not talk / hang out with a girl if he doesn't find her sexually attractive and would not want to have sex with her, eventually   (guys in this thread, correct me if I'm wrong)

I wouldn't unless she's a really interesting person. Otherwise it would be a waste of my time.

[Gesundheit]

35 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

You see a girl and don’t know yet whether she’s interesting or not - would you approach her and start talking to her if you didn’t think she was hot? 

I'm more introverted by nature so I don't usually approach others unless I clearly want something. This applies to both genders.

[Gesundheit]

13 minutes ago, K Ghoul said:

Speaking in general terms but specifically about the interaction dynamic between men and women, do you agree that initially a guy needs to feel physically attracted to a girl in order for him to want to talk to her/hang out with her/date her etc? 

I would say it mainly depends on the culture and its current trends, but also on the individuals themselves.

In general, I would say, yes. The girl has to be at least somewhat attractive. If she's unattractive, she will not likely to even have friends, even from her same gender.

This opens up to the possibility that attraction is not solely sexual but can have multiple layers. In general, attractive traits attracts people regardless of their gender. After all, attraction translates as value, and everyone likes to be around people who are of high value, and generally people will try to avoid the least valued people. I would rather be friends with a hot girl than with an average one. Yet, there are nuances at times that might make me reconsider.

Edited August 6, 2020 by Gesundheit

[wwhy]

17 hours ago, K Ghoul said:

she also said she didn’t really realize that he seriously wanted her in that way yet you already decided that she’s been dishonest and for all we know she really just thought he was one of her friends so yea I need more clarity, more specifics before I even attempt to nitpick this situation lol

 

Yes. They were both not being honest about their intentions. For me all I need is "had a boyfriend for 8 months, never once mentioned him to my other flirty friend". If you need more information and facts about the situation, that's just you. Ask her for those, instead of trying to play her lawyer. She does not need one.

18 hours ago, K Ghoul said:

Overrated = have a higher opinion of (someone or something) than is deserved. Synonym- attach too much importance to. I think we can dispense with playing the semantics game

small. smaller. smallest.

big, bigger. biggest.

important. more important. overrated.

kapish?