Guy friend suddenly cutting me off from his life

[somegirl]

He is my colleague from the University. We weren't super close but we knew to joke around with each other and we had a pretty good friendship I would say.

I noticed flirting here and there, but I didn't think much into it. I knew he liked me in some way. He would ask me out for a walk or things like that, but he was not consistent with that. I viewed it as friendly invitation to hang out.

I was single at the time we talked the most, but 8 months ago I met my current boyfriend. I thought he knew about this boyfriend because I showed him off on social media. 

This colleague had even sent me a message a week ago with "Hey beautiful" and asking about my summer break etc., I asked him back, and the conversation was pretty normal. Again, having on mind that he knew about my boyfriend.

But two days ago this colleague of mine decided to unfollow me from social media without any explanation and would ignore my messages. Later today he replied to my messages saying "We do not know each other anymore." I was rpetty shocked and I've been trying to figure out why is he suddenly cutting me off from his life and not willing to talk to me about it. 

I can only guess why, but I need other perspectives on this situation. Thanks in advance.

[Artsu]

Well, the obvious answer from what you said is that he was interested in you, found out you had a boyfriend, and got upset. If thats what happened, its wrong of him. (This doesnt seem like the answer because 8 months is a long time to not know that)

If its anything else, i dont think it can be readily inferred from what you wrote.

Best way to answer your questions is for him to explain, but if he wont then i guess just let it go?

Edited August 2, 2020 by Artsu

[Byun Sean]

he feels hurt because he liked you in a romantic way but couldn't quite build up the courage to tell you all his feelings and ask you out. He probably thought you felt the same way and attraction was building on your end overtime. Now that he figured out you have a boyfriend, he feels cheated on, played, unwanted, and maybe even used.

Although from your perspective his approach speaks that he is not a strong enough man to seduce you and be vulnerable so your instinct as the woman is to friend zone him.

Really sucks for him. I've been there as the guy.

 

Don't blame yourself or him for feeling the way you do.

 

Just know whatever hateful things he may say or do to or about you and your boyfriend come not from a place of hate for you, but really from a place of hurt, pain, feeling unwanted and rejected.

 

If he cuts you off theres not much you can do but learn from the experience and move on. 

 

If you feel open enough and value him as a friend, you can message him and say something like:

"Hey I'm really sorry if we had a misunderstanding on what was going on between us. I never meant to hurt you and I care about your feelings and our friendship a lot. I'd like to discuss it with you so we can both bring our feelings and our friendship to a better place. But if you are feeling like you want us to go our separate ways I understand. Just know I'm here for you if you would like to talk about it. "

 

In the end you both can learn from this and become better people in the end so nothing is wasted.

[egoeimai]

@somegirl he was late. He wasn't brave enough to express his feelings to you and he wasn't clear so you moved on. Well done, keep going. It wasn't meant to be.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

What do you think about this? 

 

[Gesundheit]

I cut off my one of my female friends three weeks ago. We weren't compatible and she was trying to force it. She's 6 years younger than me. I don't find her mature enough. We basically met because we were both interested in personal development. At that time (2-3 years ago) we were at similar levels. Right now I find myself way beyond.

Anyway, yesterday she texted me. I didn't reply. Then she asked if I was alive. I replied that I am mentally unstable and that I may be a psychopath, which I kind of am. She then proceeded to try to fix me and help me in whatever ways possible. She suggested psychotherapists and everything. I was like meh, just leave me alone. I know she's a great person, a goldmine really, and I should feel terrible for being such a jerk, yet I don't. Because on the other hand I'm really terrible and I don't want to drag her down with me so I cut her off. We talked for an hour last night and she probably got the message and moved on.

Sorry I know this story does not have anything to do with anything. But the bottom line is that it's probably his problem not yours. You did not do anything wrong.

[wwhy]

You already knew he liked you, and didn't mention the bf in all those talks for 8 months...

What do you want from him now?

 

[Michael569]

A lot of guys are immature with a scared little child dominating their life. There is often no rationale behind many actions and it is not their fault, they were often denied love in early childhood or had to play father figure to their moms if their dad were unable to. You don't know any of his past and never will. It is probably better this way. Move along and let go. Allow yourself to grief and to cry and make sure to feel through the emotions you are experiencing until they wash away and leave you. 

He deserves forgiveness and you deserve peace. At the same time contemplate if you have something to learn from this experience. 

[wwhy]

@Michael569  I like your profile pic, you studious monkey

[Michael569]

@wwhy  

[somegirl]

@Artsu @Byun Sean @egoeimai @Gesundheit  Thank you all very much for your time to answer and give me your thoughts on this matter. I was guessing this was the case because I can't think of anything else that might have caused such an "angry" response last time I tried to talk to him.

@wwhy I didn't think he would react this way. I'm not even 100% sure that this was the reason why he got upset since he wouldn't really talk to me, but it seems likely. Also, yes I kinda felt he liked me more than a friend, but what could I do exactly in that situation? Not be his friend? I was trying to dismiss his flirtatious comments, even when I was single. I am 8 monghts into this relationship with my bf, so I guessed he knew, since I posted picture with him on social media.

@Michael569 Thanks for your insight. I'm trying to learn, how can one contemplate in any given situation he or she faces? How do I know I'm asking the right questions so I can actually learn something, and not questions that would only straighten my point of view? 

[Michael569]

26 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I'm trying to learn, how can one contemplate in any given situation he or she faces? How do I know I'm asking the right questions so I can actually learn something, and not questions that would only straighten my point of view? 

I'd like @Nahm to answer that question. He will have something more profound to say about that than me. 

[Nahm]

@Michael569 ???

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

I'm trying to learn, how can one contemplate in any given situation he or she faces? How do I know I'm asking the right questions so I can actually learn something, and not questions that would only straighten my point of view? 

I’d contemplate how he feels, likely, he feels hurt. I’d look for any assumptions made, like that he looks at social media. He probably had feelings for you and was believing you had feelings for him, and was upset to find you had a boyfriend. Depending on emotional maturity, some guys will recoil and have a chip on their shoulder, and some guys take it lightly & can communicate their perspective and express what’s going on with them. More generally, in regard to contemplating any situation, practice feeling yourself into other’s shoes. 

[somegirl]

@Nahm Thank you.

[Nahm]

@somegirl Anytime. Now I’m wondering...what with you having made a post about it etc...maybe....you....kinda sorta....like that guy...?

[Shmurda]

5 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

I cut off my one of my female friends three weeks ago. We weren't compatible and she was trying to force it. She's 6 years younger than me. I don't find her mature enough. We basically met because we were both interested in personal development. At that time (2-3 years ago) we were at similar levels. Right now I find myself way beyond.

Anyway, yesterday she texted me. I didn't reply. Then she asked if I was alive. I replied that I am mentally unstable and that I may be a psychopath, which I kind of am. She then proceeded to try to fix me and help me in whatever ways possible. She suggested psychotherapists and everything. I was like meh, just leave me alone. I know she's a great person, a goldmine really, and I should feel terrible for being such a jerk, yet I don't. Because on the other hand I'm really terrible and I don't want to drag her down with me so I cut her off. We talked for an hour last night and she probably got the message and moved on.

Sorry I know this story does not have anything to do with anything. But the bottom line is that it's probably his problem not yours. You did not do anything wrong.

@Gesundheit if you're way beyond her in "self development" then why do you consider her a gold mine and you to be a really terrible person who would drag her down?!

Come on man be honest with yourself first of all and then give yourself the gift of love. You deserve it. 

[Gesundheit]

4 minutes ago, Shmurda said:

@Gesundheit if you're way beyond her in "self development" then why do you consider her a gold mine and you to be a really terrible person who would drag her down?!

Come on man be honest with yourself first of all and then give yourself the gift of love. You deserve it. 

She put in the research, I put in the practice. She's a goldmine of information. I am deeply surrendered and I love myself.

Thank you for your concern.

[Username]

@somegirl probably his point of view is that you tricked him. For females distinction between friendships and romantic interest might not be obvious and it might overlap. I would look for completely different traits when making friends and searching for romantic partner. I guess that you don't fit in friend category.

[somegirl]

@Nahm Lol, no. I never looked at him that way. The way he is, I cannot imagine myself being with him, I thought about it when I was single. I was just hurt and kinda taken aback by such contradictory behaviour. It's like one day it was all fine and the next it's like "You don't exist in my world anymore". I would be hurt by this kind of behaviour coming from my female friends too, if it ever happened lol.

@Username Maybe. I was not leading him on though. I was behaving as if I would with my friend. 

Edited August 3, 2020 by somegirl

[somegirl]

I kinda find an issue when a guy talks to you only because he is hoping something would come out of it. It bothers me.
And when the girl is being nice and friendly, willing to hang out with him and stuff, that is misunderstood for "leading him on" or she's "keeping her options open". No. Of course, some girls do that and it's terrible because I know how devestating it is when someone is purposely leading you on knowing you are interested in them. They're in a way abusing a guy emotionally.
But when a girl wants to only be friends with a guy, I think she has the right to. Not everything has to end in a relationship. And politeness should not be misunderstood for "I'm interested in you". 

What can a girl do when she notices a guy is interested in her in a romantic way? Be rude to him? No, I think she can only try to dismiss any kind of "non-friendly" or flirtatious comments from his side and hopefully he gets the message. If he doesn't, that's on him.