The More I Work on Myself... the Worse I Get.

[Seed]

@DIDego maybe this is the case. It could be

my my mind and body telling me to slow down.... Interesting ? 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Seed said:

Although there is no thought attached. It’s just that’s what I intuitively feel that the pain is trying to indicate

If it’s anxiety, it’s perspective(s) / suffering. If it’s pain, go to a Dr and have some tests done. 

If it’s not actually pain, but suffering / anxiety, you might be looking for specifics in your life to make sense of it, but it might be a rather traditional suffering of the beliefs and perspectives of the separate self, ultimately rooted in the fear of death. Can never be sure online, but if you think like you type, you’re thinking of a myself and haven’t noticed now / awareness aware of,  is the ‘myself’. Maybe reconsider that thought / “illusion” question. Best of luck. ?? 

[erik8lrl]

@Seed Living life is an integral part of actualization. Life itself is always presenting you situations to grow and see the truth. People sometimes get too attached to the idea of constant personal spiritual attainment to avoid suffering, but that is just another way of the ego trying to manipulate and survive. Just be, follow your heart, and live with intuition and trust. The suffering is there to remind you not to lose the big picture, Go live life, and have fun, and when you genuinely feel like doing the work, then do it, and it will be much more rewarding.

[Seed]

@Leo Gura I think the root of my anxiety is related to repressed childhood trauma. Because the more I try to release it, the worse it gets and there is no getting through. I’ve tried a lot of things.... It started when I started psychotherapy 18 months ago. The closest I’ve got to releasing was when I did transformational breathwork and I just lay there shaking and trembling but without a conscious recollection of anything. And since then, it’s like my protective mechanisms have adapted to that type of therapy so now it doesn’t  work. 

[erik8lrl]

@Seed The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz might help with your childhood trauma, 

[erik8lrl]

@Seed Also, psychedelics can help too if you feel you are ready. You can start with small dosages.  

Edited August 3, 2020 by erik8lrl

[Seed]

5 minutes ago, erik8lrl said:

@Seed The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz might help with your childhood trauma, 

Thank you. I’ll try it. ? I feel okay atm but that’s cause I am working / interacting . I get it when I am alone 

[Seed]

@modmyth thank you. I’ll have a ponder on what you said. I think I am getting frustrated and annoyed at myself for being worse than I when I started. I guess I just feel hopeless and pathetic. 
 

 

[Nahm]

Just a perspective here, a ‘for what it’s worth’...the things Leo stated on this thread are deeply true and powerful, and I wonder if you’re hearing it / letting it in / letting yourself really actually hear that. You’re doing the work - this is still ‘the work’.  I have a hunch it is bringing some beliefs about yourself to the surface to be seen and released...which aren’t yet recognized as beliefs. That’s the tricky nature of self beliefs - the one holding them thinks they’re true. It takes a while, and some suffering, to see. It’s all very worth it. 

That the past exists, let alone has any influence or bearing on now, is all belief - believing appearing thoughts / aka ‘thought stories’ of a ‘me’. There is a very emotional ‘process’ of release of misunderstanding, going from the ‘there is a past & I’m physical’ paradigm...to the realization there is one eternal moment, and you are that / this. Much understanding arises, just after the releasing of misunderstanding. It ‘works that way’ because you are the understanding. Doesn’t usually happen all at once, so I’m using the word ‘process’.   I’d consider reading what Leo again when you have some time later when you can let go (cry like a baby really).  Every road without exception leads back to love. Love yourself, love the process, love were you’re at, love the feeling of eager for more, of going even deeper, of releasing even more, of realizing more, of understanding more. Only love will do, because only actual you will do. No thoughts about you will do. 

1 hour ago, Seed said:

I get it when I am alone

I used to experience like that also. There are endless perspectives about anything, but this comes to mind...there’s two ways of going about that.... continuing to avoid feeling believing the simple thought trick of “I” get “it” (when I’m alone), which is what suffering is. There’s not-two. There is not an “I” and an “it”. Go the opposite route, that of ‘having had enough suffering’ - being more than willing, inquisitive even, and feeling into feeling, so to speak. No longer internally avoiding feeling, but realizing everything you have ever done, and everything you will ever do - is for the sake of feeling. Be done with the hamster wheel of thought stories...feel directly. Again, wishing you the very best, sending loving vibes.  

[Elisabeth]

6 hours ago, Seed said:

@Leo Gura I’ve had psychedelics in the past but since all this ‘work’...  I don’t feel mentally stable enough to have them now. And therein lies the irony.... ? 

I suppose I just want to be less in my head and more in the moment. I seem to have developed this horrible gut wrenching anxiety, however this is not related to anything I am consciously thinking about. I couldn’t sleep last night cause of it. I’ve tried meditation and all sorts, it remains throughout the meditation. 

I want to live a better a quality of life than what I currently am.... more energy, more vitality, more confidence. Not ‘happy’ but just more resilient I guess. Like I used to be. 
 

Thanks for the suggestions. 

two suggestions come up in my mind: 

1) Absolutely do supplement Leo's approach with some kind of body/movement focused practice. Leo doesn't stress that, but it's critical for anxious people to use body-centred approaches, perhaps free spontaneous movement, for grounding, body awareness and emotional release. 

2) You've twice described your anxiety as gut-wrenching. How's your digestion?

[Seed]

4 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

two suggestions come up in my mind: 

1) Absolutely do supplement Leo's approach with some kind of body/movement focused practice. Leo doesn't stress that, but it's critical for anxious people to use body-centred approaches, perhaps free spontaneous movement, for grounding, body awareness and emotional release. 

2) You've twice described your anxiety as gut-wrenching. How's your digestion?

Thanks Elisabeth. You mean Leo’s approach of contemplation or psychedelics ?

It’s a very, very deep visceral feeling deep in my gut that doesn’t affect my digestion. It feels like a knife cutting through to the core of my being.  

[Elisabeth]

2 hours ago, Seed said:

@Leo Gura I think the root of my anxiety is related to repressed childhood trauma. Because the more I try to release it, the worse it gets and there is no getting through. I’ve tried a lot of things.... It started when I started psychotherapy 18 months ago. The closest I’ve got to releasing was when I did transformational breathwork and I just lay there shaking and trembling but without a conscious recollection of anything. And since then, it’s like my protective mechanisms have adapted to that type of therapy so now it doesn’t  work. 

Ah, I see you do know what I'm talking about. 

Be kind to yourself. You may have gone a little to fast/too far, if your psyche now protects itself from what has worked. Find a very safe setting for approaching your trauma. I don't know if that's a love-focused meditation technique, a breathwork/bodywork seminar, a trip on a low psychedelic dose with a sitter, your psychotherapy, something else... or if taking a break first is what you need. 

3 minutes ago, Seed said:

Thanks Elisabeth. You mean Leo’s approach of contemplation or psychedelics ?

It’s a very, very deep visceral feeling deep in my gut that doesn’t affect my digestion. It feels like a knife cutting through to the core of my being.  

I've been working with a similarly sharp emotional pain in my chest. It's a journey.