The More I Work on Myself... the Worse I Get.

[Seed]

Anyone else experiencing this?

I started my self actualization journey over 2 years ago.... and whilst there wa some excellent growth in the first year... the 2nd year has been a slow and insidious deterioration,  to the point where I walk around with a constant pit of anxiety weighing heavily in my gut, this anxiety has no relation to anything that I can think of..... And I am now no longer working on myself so that I can actualize, grow and develop.............. but just to function and get through the day without fallling apart.

I hate to admit it, but after 2 years of meditation, breathwork, life purpose (which I actually led to being a huge success and still continuing to evolve), public speaking to improve social skills, pychotherapy, journalling, many, many fanastic books and videos and now  1:1 energy healing.

I am worse mentally and emotionally than I have ever been. Any reslience that I gained from growing up and life experience has been totally washed down the drain! 

It's like all this work has turned me into a precious, over senstive, hyper aware snowflake?

Anyone else feel this way?

GRRRRR. 

x

Edited August 2, 2020 by Seed

[Nahm]

@Seed

The typo might explain the ‘anxiety’ and what it is being related to. Dunno. 

[Seed]

@Nahm HAHA.. very sharp! I have corrected it now.

It isn't him. 

 

[DIDego]

@Nahm Is this ego issues? 

I write to you both and what do you think?

My native language are not english, so i still struggle a little to write. 

@Seed

This was what recognize in your question @Seed , do we want to much, are to stubborn and get haste and waste, so we start force us from the flow instead of try ride on the waves?

How long time if, are there recommended  sometimes, to let everything settle after a hard time of inner work?

Can this pause make a feeling, that there a raising risk, fear of that i can get lost in distraction and loose the path again?

Good enough level, need give us self more gratitude for what actually have been accomplished?

Do we need some time to let all the changes so far done integrate, to really become a part of  self and not only intellect, clean up loose ends, so we get a new foundation with enough stability to proceed?

 

 

[bejapuskas]

Are you trying to somehow self-actualize, do the work, or do you want to feel better? What is your objective?

[Seed]

31 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

Are you trying to somehow self-actualize, do the work, or do you want to feel better? What is your objective?

To grow and develop. That’s why I do the work... the gain awareness and evolve. Except the opposite is happening. 

[Leo Gura]

@Seed Don't overlook that it's easy to forget how far you've progressed. It's easy to romanticize how good life was 5 or 10 or 20 years ago when in fact you were utterly ignorant and unconscious back then. You were just living in blissful ignorance.

It's important to acknowledge how far you've come.

Also, psychedelics are very useful in such cases to show you how you're getting stuck.

The problem with self-help is that no amount of it will make you happy. It's easy to get trapped in a cycle of endless self-help and then get more and more frustrated as you're doing all this work but not getting any more happy because happiness cannot be a function of work or achievement. In a sense, the more you achieve, the worse you will feel because the happiness you expected will never last.

The only way to overcome this problem is to dive deep into spirituality and reconnect with BEING. Which psychedelics can show you.

If you want true happiness, you must slow down and be happy RIGHT NOW no matter what is happening.

Also, what this whole situation means for you @Seed is that you need to change up your approach. The way you're going about this whole thing isn't quite right. So now you have an opportunity to find a way of doing self-help which actually works the way you want. Don't give up. You're close.

[Artsu]

The answers are within you as to why you are feeling this way. Introspect.

This may be a temporary state of affairs, having some remedy. What is the remedy?

Youve done a lot. Youve changed yourself. Youve opened yourself up to new things.

You are now feeling so much more energy, within, without.

This will take some time to get used to.

Perhaps something is coming your way. The anxiety is signalling it. It could be a very good thing.

Why? Why is it happening? 

[Leo Gura]

@Seed Here's a key question you should start contemplating now:

How can I do this work in such as way that I actually start to feel better?

What must I change about my approach?

What is the counter-intuitive move that I'm missing?

[Preety_India]

Continue doing self development. Also take breaks. Such feelings are normal. It's a temporary phase in personal development where you might feel like you are not achieving much or are worse off. 

It eventually gets dealt with on its own. 

[Recursoinominado]

Can relate.

My biggest mistake was learning too much theory, books, videos, courses etc, and not enough action. I estimate that my ratio theory/action was 20:1 and this caused a lot of problems, anxiety, confusion, i was ungrounded as fuck because of all the dissonance cognitive.

Consider that deep identity-level change is uncomfortable, sometimes it is almost maddening, especially with all the consciousness work we usually do here. Literally,  as you do the work, the reality is changing and this is frightening to the ego. With time, i learned to ground myself and to be ok with all the chaos around me, which is a great skill for transformation. 

[Nahm]

8 hours ago, Seed said:

 

It isn't him. 

I meant what it’s being related to, not that he is causing it.  Notice the emptying of emotional misunderstanding from the work, it’s good. Reframe it as desirable outcome, rather than avoiding feeling and or discontinuing practices. Be wide open and willing to feel entirely and thoroughly. Allow yourself to go ahead and ‘fall apart’, let it out, let go.  

Also notice the different avenues, or narratives of people and situations the mind comes up with in attempts to make sense of the emptying emotions. Sometimes there is a diversion of content involving others, or the practices, etc...to the objective, in avoidance of inspecting from a more subjective standpoint. Rely on your foundation of meditation for some space & equanimity. As the Awareness & sensitivity increases look to the more & more subtle.  If you’re struggling to think of why you’re feeling this way, look at how you’re thinking, namely about yourself in relation to the things you’re mentioning. 

Also, you’ve mentioned “the illusion” before...are you realizing all thoughts are “illusion” as well? 

[bejapuskas]

8 hours ago, Seed said:

To grow and develop. That’s why I do the work... the gain awareness and evolve. Except the opposite is happening. 

But what even is growth, development and evolution? Where is it headed?

[Seed]

@Leo Gura I’ve had psychedelics in the past but since all this ‘work’...  I don’t feel mentally stable enough to have them now. And therein lies the irony.... ? 

I suppose I just want to be less in my head and more in the moment. I seem to have developed this horrible gut wrenching anxiety, however this is not related to anything I am consciously thinking about. I couldn’t sleep last night cause of it. I’ve tried meditation and all sorts, it remains throughout the meditation. 

I want to live a better a quality of life than what I currently am.... more energy, more vitality, more confidence. Not ‘happy’ but just more resilient I guess. Like I used to be. 
 

Thanks for the suggestions. 

[hyruga]

Edited August 3, 2020 by hyruga

[bejapuskas]

@Seed  Your thinking seems to be guiding you well. 

13 hours ago, Seed said:

It's like all this work has turned me into a precious, over senstive, hyper aware snowflake?

A big part of growth is changing your behavior. Being precious, over-sensitive and hyper aware usually shows itself in social interactions and other situations - notice, what behaviors feel bad, perhaps complaining feels bad, lying feels bad, gossiping feels bad, so try to gradually drop all these behaviors that feel bad. Maybe Leo's video about neuroticism might help you to point at some of the more common things that can appear. Sometimes it is not about evolving and adding more and more practices, but just removing the old patterns

[Seed]

@bejapuskas I find it happens when I’m on my own. If I am interacting with others that hold my presence enough.... work or good friends then it goes away. 
 

The issues I have are coming up when I am alone... 

 

[Seed]

@Nahm thank you.

I find when I keep myself busy, it all goes away.

Meditation and introspection seems to bring it on. I understand that this May be necessary purging, but for over a year now, I’ve allowed these emotions and thoughts to just ‘be’ 

I suppose I can’t help but find myself frustrated when after all that time and patience, a year on and it’s only got worse and more persistent.

Its like something in me is telling to back off and get on with living (e.g no more inner work) this has manifested into that  gut wrenching pain feeling. Although there is no thought attached. It’s just that’s what I intuitively feel that the pain is trying to indicate. 

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by Seed

[Gesundheit]

@Seed good for you 

[Leo Gura]

@Seed Contemplate the root of your anxiety. Anxiety doesn't just appear out of nowhere. You are creating it somehow, you just aren't conscious of how or why yet.