Mr Toad: 5-MeO-DMT (trip report)

[RiverFlower]

Greetings lovelies,

Over 25 years ago, in my early 20s, I had a bad LSD trip.

I have developmental trauma (from age 6 weeks), which is tricky to reach and heal. Somatic approaches can help, and plant medicine but I've been too scared to do a healing dose of psilocybin, ayahuasca, etc. since that bad trip.

For years I've had a strong meditation practice and had glimpses of dissolving, oneness, egolessness, and sustained periods of deep acceptance. However, I still struggle with amygdala hijacking, which is distressing and destructive (like being possessed...).

The psychoactive part of 5-MeO-DMT lasts 20 minutes on average so I decided to feel the fear and do it anyway (it took a year and a half to build up the courage).

During the ceremony I was extremely scared before smoking the pipe. I had two very safe people with me -- the facilitator who is a wise friend and my partner. Holding the pipe, my friend, the shaman (I truly believe he is now given the phenomenal space he held for my banshee part...), counted as I slowly inhaled. Up to the count of 8. Hold. I must have exhaled.

In the first few seconds I thought (I was still thinking then), oh, this is just like being very stoned [on marijuana]. The next second I was in another dimension. I could see my partner's face but through a worm hole or something like that (hard to describe...). I was somewhere else. I did not surrender to it. Instead I was absolutely (expletive coming up - am I allowed to curse here? - ok will bleep it a bit) f*cking terrified. I recall wailing quietly - "I don't want to be here", "I am so scared", "I knew I should not have done it."

I experienced a "white out" (apparently) for the next 20 minutes with a few brief snapshots of awareness/sensory information: seeing the alarmed faces of the shaman and my partner; clinging onto both of them like a bush baby; hearing my partner cry; the strong command of "Surrender!" and me softening; and a brief experience of bliss/oneness/wonder when I saw the beautiful mandala on the wall, which now had glowing white light around it.

That's all I recall for those 20 minutes until I was lying at my partner's feet. I briefly sat up to make one definitive statement about my trauma. Then led back down with intermittent shakes throughout my body -- the somatic release of my terror.

The two people present later shared their witnessing. For the first 10 minutes or so I was fighting with something/someone and was kicking so much they couldn't get near me. It was so intense my partner felt traumatized by the suffering he saw in me. My friend was commanding "Surrender!" a lot and chanting and telling me to release but I didn't hear him until about 15 minutes into my journey. He suggested that fear is fear in my body regardless of trauma, bad trip concerns, etc.

Since Mr Toad (4 days ago now) I've had flashbacks. All of which have been wonderful. Bright, oneness, peaceful experiences. I have been changed. I was triggered this morning and rather than react I was able to sit on my cushion and fully feel my emotions instead. That's huge for me. My partner reflected to me that I've faced something inside that was so hard for me to see before but that seeing has also made me more vulnerable and sensitive. That I've wrestled something out of my unconscious that's been silently ruling over me with fear, and I have stepped more into my power and fearlessness. I need to integrate a lot more though (TRE, yin yoga, yoga nidra, sound healing, etc.) which I've been a bit undisciplined about...

I'm sharing to add to the catalog of 5-MeO-DMT trip reports in case it serves others. I'm also interested in any responses. And to be honest, I'm proud of myself for facing a big chunk of fear and I feel pretty kick ass . It was the most terror I've ever felt or rather ever recall feeling (my baby self may have felt it). I am planning to do it again to face more, release more, and heal more. I am hopeful for greater integration of my being for the lofty goal (always) of being love and loving others.

Love

Edited July 31, 2020 by RiverFlower

[Leo Gura]

Your dose was way too high.

All you got were more stories that others fed to you and fantasies. That is not good enough.

Take a proper dose, in silence, keep your eyes open, and don't move.

[RiverFlower]

I wondered that from what I had read. Also, I am very sensitive to any substances, which I emphasized to my friend before smoking. Do you have an opinion about the effects of a dose that's too high? Is it more effective for release or just too traumatizing? Also, what's the effect of a correct dose -- retaining awareness for those first 20 minutes? Thank you (apologies if too many questions )

[Leo Gura]

@RiverFlower If you are not fully conscious, then whatever you're doing is counter-productive.

The entire point of this work is raise consciousness. So don't lose sight of the ball.

[Arthur]

@RiverFlower I think the following will work better for you:

• Get pure 5-MeO, not the toad bufo stuff.
• Commit to at least 10 trips. Increment the dose just enough to push yourself, but not to the point of scaring yourself away from the substance.
• Do it by yourself, no shaman, no partner, not anybody.
• Use plugging as RoA.
• Make a journal and write at least one-two pages after every trip.

 

 

[Eren Eeager]

@RiverFlower If you blacked out then it didn't really benefit you. how about you use other substances that are less powerful like acid or psilocybin. it seems you need more inner work and shadow work to do. I think weaker substances are better for shadow work.

[RiverFlower]

@Arthur Thank you for this great information. It's so frustrating plant medicine is mostly illegal because it affects research and safe guidelines for healing.

@Leo Gura Thank you. I understand.

I feel a bit foolish...and slightly concerned about the high dose I received. Luckily I did have a brief oneness experience (mandala) rather than only terror. Maybe the placebo effect but I do feel an emotional shift. And I certainly faced my fear of psychoactives...

Love

Edited July 31, 2020 by RiverFlower

[RiverFlower]

Just thought - neurogenesis was still stimulated (maybe more so because of the high dose?) so some benefit!